Where's Luke?

Herm Edwards would like you to know that Tim Tebow is, in fact, a football player

2012-01-12T13:50:00.000-05:00

This morning, in what I think is the first time ESPN has discussed Tim Tebow, Herm Edwards defended him against absolutely zero criticism whatsoever by saying this:

"You know what you respect? Whether you think he's a great quarterback or not, this guy plays football. And I've played professional football. He's played professional football. [The other guy] plays professional football. You haven't yet, but let me tell you something. This guy, Tim Tebow, he's a football player, and that's what you respect about the guy. Whether he's a great quarterback in the future, I don't know, but one thing about this guy: When he lines up, you know you're playing against a football player."

A big thank-you to YouTuber MrsGuerrasMole for posting that clip because it is maybe the best example yet of that line you sometimes hear during NFL commentary, that so-and-so is a football player (emphasis always added by speaker), as though that were some kind of, I dunno, point. Herm openly admitted he had no idea if Tebow was any good, but he was dead certain that Tebow plays football. That means something. It has meaning. It is a thing that MEANS SOMETHING.

I also love how Herm felt the need to point out to nerdy-nerd host Mike Greenberg that three people at the desk, Herm included, did at one time play professional football while, he, Greenberg, did not. Presumably, that experience makes Herm unusually insightful when it comes to, say, evaluating football players. Herm's actual insight, however, boils down to repeating Tebow's profession, only with emphasis, because that adds special meaning that Herm is sure you'd understand if only you had played in the NFL instead of being such a nerd, you nerd.

Now, this particular stupid football euphemism isn't Herm-specific; usually it's Dan Dierdorf spouting this nonsense, and plenty of other commentators are guilty of it. But man, oh, man, was this one good. It distills it to its essence and, through the magic of repetition, makes it sound sillier and arroganter and Hermier than ever.

I'm not sure if "he's a football player" ranks higher on the stupid football euphemisms list than when someone points out that Team A will probably try to "outscore" Team B, but they're probably 1 and 2. Sort of like how the best rock bands ever are definitely Led Zeppelin and The Beatles -- the order you want to put them in doesn't really matter, as long as you have them in the top two spots.

(And as long as you have Zeppelin at number 1, obviously.)

Open Bar is 35!

2011-10-05T18:30:00.001-04:00

Just kidding, only 33.

Happy birthday, OB!

Birfday

2011-07-22T10:15:00.002-04:00

Nobody writes on this blog anymore, and presumably nobody reads it, so this might be a tree-in-the-forest kind of message, but I just wanted to say happy birthday to one of the most happening guys I know from Queens, chuck jerry. 33 is the new 27.

everyone knows that friday birthdays are the best. have a good birth-weekend.

What Would Easy E Say?

2011-06-09T21:58:00.004-04:00

What do you think this Ice Cube...

would say to this Ice Cube?

(Hey, this is Open Bar, hijacking Chuck's post...)

Maybe something like this?

Killer Crossover

2011-05-26T11:57:00.000-04:00

A cool ass piece about the evolution of the crossover.

A Message from the President

2011-05-03T07:59:00.002-04:00

Dear Lunatics,

Sorry it took me so long to find my long form birth certificate. I was busy planning and supervising the raid to kill Osama Bin Laden. My bad.

Love,

Barack H. Obama

Just To Put It Out There

2011-04-17T15:03:00.003-04:00

Obviously I'm rooting for the Knicks to make a playoff run. And if the Celtics turn real old real fast, the Knicks just might make something of this year.

Anyway, I also want to say that I'm reserving the right to also root for the Knicks West, aka the Denver Nuggets. I like those guys and it's hardly frontrunning, so I think it's ok.

The 2011 Mets

2011-04-03T17:56:00.003-04:00

The Mets are 2-1, making it one day they are over .500 for the season. They head into Philadelphia next, so let's enjoy this time as a winning team. More important, however is this observation.

Terry Collins, new Mets manager, bears a striking resemblance to officer Santangelo from The Wire. Santangelo was the dude who tried to throw himself down the stairs to get disability and then the guy who refused to sell out McNulty in the first season once the case got legs so was relegated back to a beat cop. For the remainder of his tenure, Terry Collins and Officer Santangelo will be interchangable. That is all.

Dear Marketing People

2011-03-20T13:59:00.002-04:00

Dude, seriously, I don't smoke. You don't have to convince me to stop. Please take those fucking ads off the air because I want to kill myself every time they're on.

My Favorite Word: Fruition

2011-03-19T16:30:00.003-04:00

I wrote this like years and years ago. It originally appeared on ChuckJerry.com. That's how old it is. My computer says it was last modified in August of 2004. There's sort of a random reason I wanted to post it here, but an ancillary reason is that I just needed this to exist on the interweb. Ok, that's all.

Fruition is definitely my favorite word. This word is pleasing on so many different levels that it makes me think that all words should be so functional. To start, lets define fruition. Dictionary.com defines it as the realization of something desired or worked for, an accomplishment. Therefore the word had a clearly positive connotation. That's a plus right off the bat.

In looking at the word, clearly it is related to fruit. One gets the sense that the meaning of this word comes from the fact that all of one's efforts have finally come to bear fruit. And that is precisely its meaning. This is a great analogy to make and by simply using the word 'fruition' the analogy is built in. One can extrapolate fields of grapes or apples or anything like that and imagine that after having toiled in the fields and cared after each plant, the harvest is here and is successful and that all is right with the world.

The root of the word is from the Latin root fru- which translates as enjoyment. This is great. That means that the root of fruition comes from enjoyment, which is fairly pleasing. Even better, however, is the fact that the same root is used in the noun fruit. Fruit is therefore derived from enjoyment. One would think that fruit would be one of those words that would exist as a tangible force long before the abstract idea of enjoyment. One would also think that the inherent enjoyment of fruit as a food and source of life and so on, while certainly evident upon thought, wouldn't be the driving force behind the coining of a word, yet here it is, plain as day.

To get back to fruition, then, we can see that, in a sense, fruition is the root for fruit, whereas logically we would assume that fruit would be the root of fruition. I suppose this is a slippery slope. After all, these two words wouldn't really be described as roots of one another, but rather brothers with the same paternal root. In the end, however, the idea of enjoyment is clearly the root of fruit and the idea of enjoyment is clearly encompassed in fruition, which is what I meant to say in the first place.

Aside from the absolutely thrilling link to its original root, fruition is a great word simply because it is so phonetically pleasing. To hear the word fruition is like a small three syllable symphony. It takes on a space in the air which clearly points to it as the apex of the sentence it inhabits. If you're hearing it for the first time the essence may not be immediately apparent, but the meaning is clear after only a moment's thought. In deriving the meaning one must clearly go through the aforementioned built in analogy, which then makes the meaning of the word so utterly clear, that no explanation is necessary from the user of this wonderful word.

In any event, I've wandered and veered off point and made several tangents that are certainly relevant, but don't point directly at the brilliance this word holds. Put simply, 'fruition' is a word that, when used, points clearly at the brilliance of the human mind and the simple eloquence of the English language.

2011-03-15T11:34:00.001-04:00

I sent this blog post through my cell phone as a text message because i am cool. I am really trying to see if i can use this for something i am trying to do.

Tik-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

2011-03-08T15:14:00.004-05:00

I know it is not "nice" to take pleasure in the suffering of others, but I think we can all be forgiven for reveling in this little nugget of schadenfreude for a few days . . .

Barber's personal and professional life have been in shambles recently. In April 2010, Barber reportedly left his wife of 11 years, Ginny, for 23-year-old Traci Johnson, a former NBC intern. Ginny was eight months pregnant at the time. Soon after, NBC cited its morals clause and terminated Barber's contract, which reportedly paid him more than $300,000 per year.

In June 2010, the New York Post reported Barber was broke and couldn't pay his divorce settlement with his ex-wife.

Tikki, on behalf of all of us here at Wheeeeeeeeeeere's Luke?, I would just like to say: suck it, sir. Suck it.

To Live, Nay, To Blog

2011-02-27T15:44:00.001-05:00

Happy birthday, LJT. Sorry I missed the party. It's just that, you know, JC is so far.

Carmelo Redux

2011-02-23T08:10:00.006-05:00

Adrian Wojnarowski (once and possibly still of Bergen Record fame) has a great article on Yahoo! Sports this morning about the role that Isaiah played (or, more accurately, did not play) in the Carmelo acquisition. Read it.

After going back and reading all the comments yesterday, I actually think we are all in more agreement than it originally seemed:

1. It is amazing that the Knicks have Carmelo.

2. The Knicks very likely could have gotten him for less (either by waiting until the last second before the trade deadline, or waiting until the offseason).

3. There is no way to be absolutely certain that the Nets, the Lakers, or some other team could not have convinced Carmelo to sign with them had the Knicks tried to wait this out. So even with what they gave up, it was probably worth it to get Carmelo. But it is hard to be totally thrilled about it without getting distracted by number 2 and number 4.

4. Isaiah Thomas is a delusional, disingenuous, conniving wretch who, perhaps more than anyone other than James Dolan himself, is responsible for completely ruining this franchise and pushing it to the brink of irrelevance. Reports that he had Dolan's ear on this and is now taking credit for the acquisition, and that, as a result, Donnie Walsh might bounce when his contract expires on June 30 make us all want to puke. On Isaiah.

Dear the Knicks (or, How I Learned to Stopy Worrying and Love Carmelo)

2011-02-22T04:34:00.004-05:00

Dear the Knicks:

I have been pretty schizophrenic about this whole Carmelo thing. At first, like everyone, I thought, "hey, one of the league's top 15, maybe top 10 players wants to be a Knick . . . great. Sign him up." But as the "Melo-drama" wore on, and it looked like the Knicks might have to actually cough up some quality players in order to acquire another star before the trade deadline, I thought "hey, forget it." There is every reason to believe that you would have been able to just sign him at the end of the season without having to give up anything more than the $20 million or so per year that he will get as a part of his contract extension.

But now that it is (almost) official, I am excited. The Knicks have two marquee players, are poised to make a run this season, and -- far more importantly -- are positioned to be a competitive, fun team to watch for the next five years. You don't match up against the Celtics or the Heat just yet, but there is reason to believe that you can in the near future (more on that in a minute). Compared to the despair that fans of this team have rightly felt for the last ten years, this is a great day for the franchise.

I think it is difficult for people who didn't live in and around New York in the 1990s to realize how much of a basketball town this really is. But when the Knicks are good --- whether that means really good, like the Ewing-and-Oak-Mase-Starks (swish!) teams of the early 90s, or just competitive but perhaps over-achieving good, like the Sprewell/Houston Knicks of the late 90s --- New York gets behind you. And I don't just mean that people buy tickets (though it is true that you can look forward to selling out the arena again), I mean that people talk about it, follow the NBA more closely, and get excited about the team.

But what this organization has put its fans through for the last decade has pushed all boundaries of loyalty to a team (perhaps more accurately, it has completely shattered them). The tag "breaking up with the Knicks" appears eight times on this blog; the tag "Knicks," only six (it will be seven after this post). That's what happens when a team that made the playoffs for something like fifteen consecutive years goes a decade without a getting out of the regular season (I respectfully decline to acknowledge the 2003-04 campaign, in which the Knicks were under .500 and got swept in the first round by the Nets).

So you can't blame us for being skeptical, for being uncertain, and for being in denial that the Knicks might actually be good again. But it looks like you might. First of all, to add Carmelo Anthony - an undeniably prolific scorer - to a team that is already averaging 106 points a night is alone going to be worth the price of admission. Second, I know everyone was starting to get to know and like Raymond Felton, but Chauncey Billups is a great complement to the two bona fide stars now on the roster (OB: I didn't realize last night that Billups was included in the deal . . . how are you worried about PG? This is an upgrade). Add in the fact that Landry Fields can now actually be a rookie instead of being asked to be one of the stars of the team and things look even brighter.

Now don't get me wrong, Donnie (or Mike, or Jim, or Isaiah, or whichever one of you actually pulled this deal together). This team has a lot to prove, and there are some question marks. Big ones. Like how will a guy who is often knocked for not playing defense going to fit in with a team that is often knocked for not playing defense. And even though Amar'e has only been here a few months, his MVP-caliber season he has completely won over the New York fans. Will egos get in the way when the hometown hero soaks up some of the accolades and adulation? (side note: I don't even believe this myself. Amar'e lobbied as hard as anyone to bring in Carmelo, and I just don't see even a whiff of drama on him. If Carmelo wants the back page, front page, page six or all three, I think Amar'e will be fine to let him have it).

And then, of course, there is the fact that you had to surrender four decent, in some cases more than decent, supporting cast members to make the deal happen. You probably could have had Carmelo in the offseason, even with the Nets in full pursuit. But that that is debatable and ultimately not knowable. Either way, this is not exactly a lopsided deal in the Knicks favor. Wilson Chandler and Danilo Gallinari have star potential, and Timofey Mozgev (aka Quad Who) - despite his inauspicious welcome to New York - was looking like he could be a more durable and reliable center than anyone initially thought possible.

But as Michael Wilbon pointed out this morning, "if Gallinari, Mozgov, [Chandler] and [Felton] were that good, the Knicks would have been better than 28-26 at the break." That may not be entirely fair to those four guys, but Wilbon has a point. None of these guys are superstars. One or two of them might become stars down the road, but Carmelo is a superstar now. Today. It is far easier (and far cheaper) to add supporting cast members than it is to add a central, foundational piece of the puzzle. The Knicks were never going to build a dynasty around Danilo Gallinari.

Now, you can make a nice little run this year, maybe even sneak past the first round of the playoffs. But the real fun might start next season. Chris Paul or Derron Williams could be on the way, completing a trifecta for the Knicks that could put them on even closer footing with the Heat and the Celtics. And even if you want to discount that possibility because of the potential for a hard (or harder) salary cap, the two-star-plus-supporting-cast formula has certainly worked pretty well in the past. Just ask Shaq and Kobe. Or Michael and Scottie. Or Karl and John. A Deron Williams addition would be sensational, but I do not think it is necessary for this team to be very competitive in the East for the next few years. There is no shortage in the NBA of quality back of the roster guys who can play defense and support the primary scorers. And there is every reason to believe that you can build around Amar'e and Carmelo to make this a compelling team for the next five years.

You gave up a lot to make this move. And it is distressing to think that you could have had Carmelo for less if Dolan would just get himself and Isaiah Thomas out of Donnie Walsh's way. But this is a deal the Knicks had to make. You got your man. Or your man got you. Either way: this team just got far more exciting, maybe a little better for this season, and positioned itself to make a run at a championship in the next few years. Compared to where this team was just two or three years ago, I'd have to say it was a good day.

Dear the Jets

2011-01-18T10:25:00.005-05:00

You're welcome. Yeah, that's right. You beat the Patriots. Way to go. Good on you. You slayed the Brady-Manning dragon in successive weeks, and now everyone is pulling for you to pull the AFC hat trick en route to the Superbowl by cutting the always classy Ben Roethlisberger down a few pegs.

So I say again: you're welcome.

In December of 2008 the New York football Giants gave up a ton of points and lost to these same (or similar) New England Patriots in a regular season game, only to beat them a few weeks later in the greatest ~~game~~ thing that has ever ~~been played~~ happened. Sound familiar?

There are still no words.

How did the Giants do it? How did they beat the team of the 21st century? They did something that no team had been able to do for most of the last decade: they designed a game plan that neutralized Tom Brady.

First, you run the ball. It eats the clock and keeps Brady off of the field. Next, you blitz like crazy. Brady hates to throw under pressure, hates to get hit, and needs time to adjust to it. And third -- and by far the most important -- is that you change it up before he can adjust to the pressure. You mix it up at the line of scrimmage with defensive audibles and fake looks. So when you've blitzed him every down for three, four, five series in a row, you drop back into coverage and he has nowhere to go.

Sound familiar? It should, because that's exactly what the Jets did to the P-EE-triots (Simms, Phil) on Sunday night. They were a bit less effective with the run than the Giants were in 2008 (though they still would have held the ball longer than the Pats but for a seven-plus minute drive in the fourth quarter). But they were almost perfect on defense: Brady was hit seven times, sacked five and forced to throw his first interception since he was eight years old. He was under pressure from every angle, but then suddenly he wasn't. Expecting pressure, he would instead have all day to throw, but no one was open. Of his sixteen incomplete passes, at least five or six were balls that were just thrown away.

There is no doubt in my mind that the Patriots were the best team in the NFL this year. To beat them, the Jets needed to execute a perfect game plan perfectly. The players get credit for the execution, but they have the 2007-08 Giants to thank for the blueprints.

Dear Tim Gunn, or Whichever Hipster is in Charge of This

2011-01-12T07:28:00.002-05:00

I just want to send a thank you out to the fashion community for bringing a couple of trends back into style. First of all, whoever decided that flannel shirts were back in style, thank you. It gives me an opportunity to restock. I never really gave up on flannel because I love it, but I had been rocking 3 flannel shirts from the 1995 era for the longest time. Not only was the rotation of flannel lacking, but no one told me in 1995 that I was only 165 pounds and 5'9", so all of those old school flannels are size XL. It's unclear to me today why it was cool to wear clothes that did not evn remotely fit, but it made so much sense back then. I didn't even question it. And that's not really to say that I was cool, but, you know, I tried.

Secondly, whoever brought cardigans back into style, thank you a thousand times. Literally for years I have been looking to buy a cardigan because I have always loved them. And now I have more cardigans than anyone really needs to have in their collection. In middle school I used to rock a white cardigan with my Bugle Boy pants and I thought I was the shit.

(Funny story I heard recently. My cousin recently got married and in one of the speeches from his groomsmen, they recounted a story in which my cousin, never lacking in confidence, got a bus for a school trip or some such thing and announced to a group of kids, "If something smells in the back of the bus, it's me....because I'm the shit.")

I have taken recently to rocking a flannel shirt with a cardigan on top. A juxtaposition of styles that really just makes me happy in my heart. You know, life is really about the small things. And while the rest of the world around me goes to shit, at least I have flannel shirts and cardigans.

Several One Sentence Thoughts On Rap Music

2011-01-11T17:15:00.003-05:00

I'm pretty confident that Illmatic, by Nas is the best rap album of all time.

While I don't want to front on A Tribe Called Quest, I think it's entirely possible that Outkast is the best rap group ever.

While I don't want to front on The Low End Theory, my favorite Tribe Called Quest album is Midnight Marauders.

I still think my favorite rap album is Reachin', by Digable Planets. It's possible that's no longer the case, but I think so.

Eminem somehow loses credibility for me by associating himself with terrible rappers.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Jay-Z is the best rapper ever.

I miss good rap music.

Driveway Basketball

2011-01-07T08:21:00.004-05:00

This is mad random. Especially considering our lack of posts recently, this one isn't especially important or anything, but I have a few free minutes and an idea (Tremendous cream. Fuck a dollar and a dream). I was just thinking about playing basketball in various people's driveways when we were younger.

It's interesting how basketball games develop out of necessity. For example, if you had 3 people or 5 people then you would play 21. This is an interesting game in that it was basically just every man for himself. Every player had their own score and the first one to 21 was the winner. Even though it was basically 1 on 4 every time, there was very little defense ever really played up until someone got to like 16 or 17 points. And you had to decide on specific rules for each game like if there were 3 point shots and if there were foul shots. The foul shot rule was super important because once someone got to 17 you could just hack them every time if there were no foul shots. It made the game last much longer. I played a countless number of games of 21 in the driveway of a guy who I'm sure we all know with a preternatural math ability and an MIT degree. I'm not sure why we always had an odd number of people over there. I guess you could play with an even number, too, but I'm not sure why you would.

What really tickled me when I was thinking about it, though, were the games we used to play in Diesal's backyard. Diesal's court was like the perfect size. My driveway, for example, was fine for 2 on 2, but beyond that there really wasn't enough room. Diesal's driveway expanded out to be wide enough for 2 cars and it made for a perfect 3 on 3 court. What really made me write this post was how I was thinking about the number of occasions where we would show up at Diesal's house about noon, start a game of 2 on 2 between, say Diesal, Open Bar, myself, and maybe Ian Ziering or Scooter (why, Diesal?), and play until it was dark with very little interruption. Like I can remember at least a few times where we would count by ones and the final score would be like 192 to 185 or some such thing. I wonder if Diesal still has that video of us playing 3 on 3 in his backyard when we were 12 or 13. That is a very funny video.

I don't really have a point, except for that Diesal's driveway was perfect for basketball. You know, I'll bet Side Bar's driveway would have been really good for basketball if they would have had a hoop.

You'll Be Happy To Know

2010-12-17T07:32:00.005-05:00

For some reason I decided to put on the Hootie and the Blowfish album this morning. I would think that I don't need to clarify that it was Cracked Rear View vs. any of the other Hootie albums. Anyhow, you'll be happy to know that it's still awesome. I still love it. It still makes me happy inside my heart.

It's all Hold My Hand and Only Wanna Be With You. And then it's all Time and Drowning. And then they'll take it down a notch with I'm Coming Home and Not Even the Trees and Goodbye. God it's just a beautiful album. The only thing I would change, the only thing, is that Let Her Cry would have one less verse.

Secondly, The Sing Off is a great show. It's an a capella singing competition. It's like American Idol without the sucking. Anyway, one of the shows the groups had to sing a "guilty pleasure" song and when they said that at the beginning of the eisode, I was like, "I know what song I would choose as my guilty pleasure," and then this group Committed came through with this gem.

December Classic Video: Celebrity Sing Along

2010-12-05T11:25:00.003-05:00

This is mad random. I don't think I've even sat down for like 2 consecutive hours over the past three months, let alone put together the thought processes required to write a blog post of even marginal quality, but this I had to post.

This "celebrity" sing along is somehow the single most European thing that's ever happened. It's got a few B-listers scattered in the front, like Jason Alexander and Huey Lewis, but then it just gets weird. When Ricki Lake is in the second edit, you know it's got to be downhill from there (PS - I always thought she was pretty cute). My single favorite is the kid who plays young Forrest Gump at the 5:20 mark. But there are some other gems.

Please no Rick Sutcliffe now, OK?

2010-11-12T11:36:00.011-05:00

"Sutcliffe's: Only the finest in animal fur wigs."

(I was gonna put this in a comment to Chuck's earlier Joe Morgan obit, but then it got too long and hey, I haven't posted anything in like a year [Is LJT alive, btw?], so anyway, here we are. Oh look, a miniature giraffe. Opulence, I has it.)

Now we get to wait and see who ESPN will choose as the new Joe Morgan and Jon Miller. ESPN has a quite an up-and-down record when it comes to these things, embodied rather well by the broadcast team it now seeks to replace. Jon Miller was quite good. (Even though it delights me never to hear him pronounce Carlos Beltran's name again. It's not tough. "Carlos Beltran." That's all. It's not "Carlos belTRANG", for fuck's sake.) Joe Morgan, though, *shudder*. Elsewhere on ESPN, you've got the Monday Night Football team, with Mike Tirico (awesome), Ron Jaworski (excellent), and Jon Gruden (who fingerbangs babies). MNF at one point also cast Tony Kornheiser, who seems nice enough but was a terrible color guy. At one point MNF also had probably the worst football analyst ever (worse, I'd say, than even Phil Simms, in all his constantly-pointing-out-the-super-obvious-ness): Joe Theismann.

So who knows. Maybe they'll be smart and let Orel Hersheiser take over as analyst. He was in the booth a lot this year with Jon and Joe, so that seems like a good bet. But there's a chance that ESPN will inflict the odious Rick Sutcliffe on us, who in many ways is like the Phil Simms of baseball broadcasters. He actively avoids saying anything remotely close to controversial or contrary to baseball's conventional wisdom, refusing to offer any opinions or insights that haven't already been repeated ad nauseam. Things like, "This guy used to just be a thrower. Now he's a pitcher." You hear shit like that all the time, and 83% of the time, Rick Sutcliffe said it. "This is a guy you want on your team. He just wants to win, and his teammates know it." Who the fuck doesn't want to win, jerkdick? And I put that stuff in italics because when he says it, he really emphasizes it, like he's imparting this pearl of condensed brilliance onto his listeners.

Anyway, speaking of Tim McCarver (referring back to this), I like to take any opportunity to post my favorite short radio play of all time, by (of course) Mr. Ken Tremendous himself. It stars ol' Timmy and Joe Buck, discussing the value of intangibles on your baseball team -- in this case, ardor (which we all know isn't nearly as important as getting your uniform dirty, grit, scrappiness, scrappy grittiness, grappiness, and being a "gamer"). Anyway, here:

Joe Buck: Well, Tim, you have to like the Red Sox' starting pitching and bullpen, but how do you feel about their ardor?

Tim McCarver: Ardor is a funny thing, Joe. It's like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said about pornography: "I know it when I see it." And with these Red Sox, I just don't see it.

JB: How do you know it when you see it, Tim?

TM: For me, it's when you see the dick going in.

(ten minutes of silence)

TM: Oh. I see. You were talking about ardor.

Fin.

You Happy Now, Ken Tremendous?

2010-11-12T07:10:00.003-05:00

Jon Miller and Joe Morgan are no more. Neither one of them will be returning next season on ESPN Sunday Night Baseball. And it only took 21 years of criticism. To be honest with you, I didn't hate Jon Miller. It's possible he'll still do the weekly radio broadcasts of the game, in case you need to hear him.

It was time to move on because Joe Morgan's VORP was way down. See what I did there? That was a sabermetrics joke. I also considered, "Morgan is being replaced by Bobby Valentine, whose OPS is much higher over the last 3 seasons.", but figured the VORP one was more esoteric and, therefore, more desirable.

PS - I think esoteric is a good word. And when used in conjunction with "plebian" makes for some good old fashined condescension. Like, Side Bar levels of condescension.

I Like Obama

2010-11-05T12:00:00.003-04:00

I like Barack Obama because he's willing to lose face on the political side in order to do the right thing on the governmental side. He's willing to do things that voters don't hear about or understand in order to do the right thing. He's willing to take a hit in the House and Senate in order to do the right thing. And yeah, you can argue that he lost jobs for the people who supported him, those people never reallys supported him. And while I know it's only a thought experiment, I don't really even want to think about where we'd be if Hillary Clinton were president today.

All of this is summarized in a much better way by Timothy Egan in an op-ed piece from Tuesday.

What's The Deal With Sarah Palin? (bwa ba ba ba bwaaaw)

2010-10-29T09:01:00.004-04:00

That was a really poor approximation of the Seinfeld noise in the title there.

Like really though, what's the deal with Sarah Palin? Maybe I'm just a liberal elite, but like the list of pros and cons for Sarah Palin for me looks like this

Pro
She's extraordinarily attractive

Con
Everything else

Like, I'm not gonna start a grassroots campaign for a Kardashian / Lohan 2012 ticket. What's the goddamn appeal? She's not smart, experienced, part of a family with a longstanding political tradition, able to see Russia from her back door, or anything else that would make me want to vote for someone.

Am I like two years late with this post? Yes, yes I am. Really, though, I coulda sworn she was just gonna fade into the background. Motherfuckin' Admiral Stockdale didn't try to capitalize on his fumbled up bid for vice president, why would she?

This Blog Gets Shit Done

2010-10-18T10:52:00.005-04:00

Last week I got up on my high horse and wagged my finger for a few paragraphs at those assholes called the Bleacher Creatures. I didn't figure any good would come from it -- other than leading the decent people who Google "fuck the bleacher creatures" here, where they will be most welcome -- but as it turns out, the post must have been just GRRRINTERNETSUPERMAD!!!! enough to get the attention of Yankees management:

Score one for the eradication of discrimination. At baseball stadiums, at least.

According to Flip Bondy of the New York Daily News, several key members of Yankee Stadium’s Bleacher Creatures have agreed to put a halt to a cheer that for years has involved a homophobic slur.

During the middle innings of games at Yankee Stadium, a large section of folks in the right field stands would yell “Why are you gay?” at opposing fans during the playing of The Village People’s famous “YMCA” anthem.

Apparently that won’t be happening anymore.

Well, my work here is done.

*leans back in chair, folds hands behind head, feels sense of genuine accomplishment, farts*

So, to all you fans of opposing teams sitting in the bleachers for some reason, you're welcome.

Unless, of course, you're a Phillies fan. In which case, eat a dick, homo.

The Reason I Drive A Crappy Car

2010-10-13T07:25:00.004-04:00

Have you seen these?

I have begun to see these all the time now, like on my way home I'll see at least two or three cars every day that have this thing hanging off the back of the car while the car is driving like all on the highway and stuff. (I'm feeling kindof Joycian today, so deal with it.) This is stupid. If you want to rock that while you park, then I guess that kindof makes sense because I know I use the bump technique to parallel park in Manhattan sometimes (all the time), but then if you do that you gotta pull it up for when you drive away.

Driving with that thing on your bumper is a little like walking around the streets like this lady and being all, "well I don't want to mess up my hair I want it to look good", and I'm all, "yeah but you look retarded right now, not good."

Anyway, this is the reason I drive a shitty car. If I had a nice car, I'd have to take care of it and stuff and I'd, like, care if it got scratched or dented or something. When you rock a 2002 Sentra, those things don't matter. And if you live in New York, you can't really afford to spend the energy caring for a nice car. If I had a nice car I'd have to change a lot of things about the way I drive, and I'm just not willing to do that. On top of all that, there's really no way to drive a car around without it eventually going to shit. And this is true of any car. So do yourself a favor, instead of a bumper buddy, just get a shitty car.

What happened to the 80s where the bumpers were all rubber and could actually be used to bump stuff? Now they're nominally bumpers, but practically they're just plastic ornaments.

Dear Bleacher Creatures -- Suck My Dick (You Know You Want To)

2010-10-11T12:07:00.012-04:00

What kind of "queen," exactly?

While I often mock the Yankees and their fans, probably a bit too much, I'm well aware that part of that behavior is rooted in some level of jealousy I hold toward them. After all, it's more fun if your team wins, and those fuckers in the Bronx win more than, well, anybody. But as I said, at least I'm aware of it.

Along those lines, it's not even surprising anymore when someone (say, a prominent politician or religious leader) who spends a lot of time bashing gays turns out to be gay himself. Obviously, not everyone who's ever used the word "fag" is a homosexual, but if Thomas frequently directs over-the-top, unnecessarily angry, aggressive language or behavior (especially when unprovoked) at someone else or a group, that's usually a decent indicator that Thomas is trying to cover up or compensate for something about himself. People don't generally hold that level of hatred for anyone but themselves.

For example, from a recent Yankees/Twins game:

I have proudly lived in New York City for over two years, and, unlike the often-heard stereotypes, have found this city's inhabitants to be kind, respectful, and even polite. This changed the night of Oct. 9, when I attended the New York Yankees game against the Minnesota Twins. As a Midwest native showing up to the game in my Twins regalia, I expected to be picked on. I expected to be heckled. What I did not expect was to hear homophobic and anti-gay cheers sung by the crowd.
During the traditional singing of YMCA, when the grounds crew takes to the field, suddenly the crowd erupted into lyrics singing, "Why are you gay, I saw you sucking some d-i-c-k." Other lyrics called people who are gay sinners and disease-ridden. I couldn't believe my ears. Whatever people may say about Minnesota or the Midwest, such hurtful and disgusting things would never be shouted at a Twins game. What an embarrassment for Yankees fans and New York City.

Here's some video (though not of that particular night):

Pretty much this whole thing translates to this: "If you root for the other team, you're a faggot."

Of course, every team's fan base has plenty of assholes. The Mets are no exception, and at the few Giants games I've attended, there were times I was embarrassed to be there.

But this video -- which is a routine these fucking mooks called the Bleacher Creatures perform -- is different. Not only is the language particularly graphic, ignorant and hateful, it happens all the time. Obviously security is fine with it, meaning it receives the implicit endorsement of the Yankee organization. Would this be allowed to continue if it were a song attacking blacks or Hispanics or women or, say, those suffering from dementia or craniosynostosis?

Quite clearly, there are much bigger issues in the news lately, like the recent increase in gay suicides or the fact that the Republican nominee for governor of New York feels free to openly gay-bash. I wonder what the Bleacher Creatures would say about that group of sociopathic thugs who lured three gay men to an abandoned house in the Bronx and then brutally tortured them for hours? (And no, a stupid song is not the same as actual torture, but they did both take place in the Bronx, which means they are clearly and inextricably connected. Probably even the same people.)

We can't know for sure whether every single member of the Bleacher Creatures is, in fact, gay, much like we'll never know for sure whether every snowflake is unique. But hey -- I just finished an entire gay/Yankees post without once mentioning Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez!

If I can do it, we all can.

Large Ups; Slightly More Formal Than Big Ups

2010-10-05T07:21:00.010-04:00

Happy Birthday, Open Bar. It's fan-tastic. You deserve a break today. The choice of a new generation. Have it your way. Pretty sneaky, sis. I can't believe I ate the whole thing. Little, yellow, different*. All you need is a dollar and a dream. Where's the beef? The quicker picker upper. So easy a caveman can do it**. You're in good hands. Like a Rock. Eet mor chikkin. Avoid the noid. Oh Yeeaaaahhhhhh!!! Mmm mmm good. The king of beers. Talk to Chuck. That was easy. (Oontz, oontz) Tommy's (oontz, oontz, oontz, oon-oon-oontz) Tunes (oontz, oontz). You know what my dad always says: No gimmicks, just good deals.

* - We need to make friends with an Asian guy so we can start calling him Nuprin.

** - Next time I play the dozens (not since 1989, probably), I'm gonna say, "Yo momma's nickname is Geico, because she's so easy a caveman can do it."

The Dumbening of America's Youth

2010-09-30T13:39:00.004-04:00

I just want you all to know. We're fucked.

Example. The kids nowadays when they're writing, like writing using a pen and paper, will write stuff like, "U in da way :)", in which the word "You" is spelled "u", "the" is spelled like "da" (appropos, no?) and the emoticon colon parenthesis is written out as an emoticon instead of just a regular smiley face.

I feel like I want to write like a whole essay about why it's retarded to write out an emoticon and about how the emoticon has now come to actually represent the thing it was meant to symbolize and replaced it altogether. It would be a whole long thing and I would be really angry at the end. So instead I'll just express my frustration like this:

>:-(

Blog Fatigue

2010-09-30T08:54:00.001-04:00

Just because we only had 3 posts this month, an all time low, it's clearly time for a visit from our spokesmodel.

When Does Football Start? I Mean Baseball, No Basketball. I Mean, Dammit.

2010-09-28T19:32:00.006-04:00

Well, here we are gentlemen. Gone is the miracle year of 1986 when both the Mets and Giants won their respective championships. Gone is 2000 when both the Mets and Giants competed for their respective championships. Gone are the 1990s when the Knicks were reliably the third or fourth best team in the NBA, and provided many great moments along with the heartache they would always eventually deliver. Gone is 1994 when the Rangers won the cup and I actually followed hockey. Gone even is 2008, just a couple short years ago, in which the upstart Giants took down the mighty Pats in the Super Bowl.

Here we are.

We are at a standstill. The Mets are absolutely terrible. And they have little hope for improving next year. The Giants? Terrible. No heart. No discipline. No nothing except a 7-9 season in their future. The Knicks? Terrible doesn't even begin to describe it. No wins, no point guard, and, worst of all in this past off season, no David Lee (who I'm admittedly gay for). They do get occasional consultation from Isiah Thomas, however. So there's that. Are the Rangers even still a team? I can't really say for sure.

I can't believe I'm caught up in this Mets thing. I came to the Mets late in the game precisely because of this. Why am I caught up in this in the first place? I laughed a smug laugh in 1998 when the Mets blew the wild card. Why do I care about this? Damn you Mets.

What has changed with the Giants since they won the Super Bowl? They have the same offensive line, the same QB, the same running backs (don't give that Ward nonsense), the same pass rushers essentially. Strahan was a leader on the field and off, I get that, but does Michael Strahan turn this team from Super Bowl champions to the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked? They're arguably more athletic at that position now than they were then. They're definitely deeper. Where has their heart gone? PS - it's time for some new gies on the offensive line.

The Knicks are...whatever, I don't even care. I'm a Nets fan now. Or maybe I'm a Thunder fan. Maybe I'll be a post-Lebron Cleveland fan. But that would be just as bad as being a Knicks fan, I guess.

So, does anybody know how the Red Bulls are looking this year?

I Guess There's A First Time For Everything

2010-09-28T19:26:00.004-04:00

Today, for the first time, I drove over the Brooklyn Bridge. I have driven over the Williamsburg Bridge a bunch of times. And the Manhattan Bridge a few times, too. But I've never had a reason to drive over the Brooklyn Bridge before today.

I have a memory of walking over the Brooklyn Bridge once in college, but it is all together unclear. I have a pretty specific picture in my mind of entering the walking path from the Brooklyn side. It's so specific that I feel like it must have happened, though I can't say that I'm a hundred percent sure that it did. If I ever walk over it again, then I'll be able to confirm the mental image I have of the walking path entrance.

Anyway, driving over the bridge looked a little less like this

And a little more like this

Old Reliable

2010-09-14T12:26:00.003-04:00

Well, at least they're consistent!

The Gambino Crime Family.....oops, sorry, the MTA is letting everyone know that fare hikes are once again likely.

Once again they have been totally blindsided because they say they have collected about $900 millioin due to depressed tax revenues and another $149 million because of reduced state funds.

In case you're counting that's over $1 billion dollars of funds that they will not be receiving. And they didn't see it coming.

I know Side Bar disagrees and thinks that the MTA leadership is doing a bang-up job, but in my opinion these people are either criminals or just astoundingly incompetent. I guess they're just kind of incompetent criminals.

Monday Classic Video: The Boob Apron

2010-08-30T08:15:00.002-04:00

From KSK, someone invented some stupid cleavage-hider, and this is the infomercial for it, but with some gie dubbed over the voice making fun of it. Pretty funny. (note: it's nothing too scandalous, but don't open at work if you are sensitive about that kind of thing.

Ground Zero Mosque: Naked Chicks Edition

2010-08-20T10:47:00.005-04:00

Earlier this week, we offered up some cutting satire about the so-called Ground Zero Mosque controversy. We laughed, we cried; it was better than Cats.

Today our focus turns to some of the other affronts to human dignity within sultry strutting distance of the WTC site: strip clubs. Both New York Dolls and the Pussycat Lounge are close enough to the WTC site for workers to make a pilgrimage at lunch, or just visit five times a day (too much?). (Note: I can't access the link because our computers at work have all sorts of filters, etc. I assume it's fine, but you've been warned).

[see above re: big brother; now imagine a picture of a really hot stripper here]

God Bless America!

Apparently it is insensitive and an insult to those who died on 9/11 to construct an interfaith Muslim community center within a few blocks of the WTC site. But there is nothing wrong with some light human trafficking and sexual debauchery around the corner. Got it?

Conditional props go to the Wall Street Journal for picking this up and writing it down. The condition is because they are right-leaning and the story was a little too fair and balanced for my taste (like actually fair and balanced; not the way Sean Hannity means it), but props because anyone with 1/10th of a brain (i.e., most of the WSJ's readers - zing!) would appreciate the contrast between people getting fired up about a church (yes, a church, that's all it is to them you bigots) on the one hand and nobody giving a shit about a bunch of strip clubs on the other. (Run-on sentence alert. Open Bar awards me -5 points).

According to the WSJ:

As supporters held signs extolling religious freedom at the site of the proposed Islamic center Wednesday, a stripper who gave her name as Cassandra was working the afternoon shift at New York Dolls on Murray Street — just around the corner.

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” Cassandra said. “It’s freedom of religion, you know?”

And according to Chris, a stripper who volunteered in the Ground Zero recovery, and who lost eight friends on Sept. 11, 2001 - firefighters from the Brooklyn firehouse next to her home at the time:

“They’re not building a mosque in the World Trade Center,” she pointed out. “It’s all good. You have your synagogues and your churches. And you have a mosque.” She concluded: “The people who did it are not going to the mosque.”

Amen. Out of the mouths of babes . . .

A Douche, a Whole Douche, and Nothing But a Douche

2010-08-19T15:11:00.004-04:00

It is a little known fact that I went to law school. While I was in law school, we learned some very arcane rules that most people have probably never heard of, like . . . oh, I don't know . . . you can't lie to Congress when you are under oath. It's called perjury.

As Open Bar put it, it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

Yes, it is true, this man has no dick.

Somewhere, Mike Piazza is smiling.

Have fun in the slammer, ass.

A Modest Proposal*

2010-08-18T14:13:00.006-04:00

On September 11th, 2001, this country was the victim of an unprovoked attack perpetrated by murderous thugs from another country. Almost 3,000 people died. Some were Christian, some were Jewish, some were Muslim. Some were men, some were women. Some were old, and some were so god damned young. Some of the dead were Mets fans, some were Red Sox fans, some were Yankee fans. Some of them were married, and some of them never got the chance. Some of them had kids. Their families and friends grieved their loss. And New York began, slowly, to rebuild and to heal.

Countless songs, essays, and stories were written about that beautiful fall morning (some of which were downright poetic), and no one who lived through the experience - whether here in New York or watching from afar - could ever forget even one small detail of the events. Now, almost a decade removed from that terrifying day, as we still struggle to find the balance between moving forward and never forgetting, some people think it is acceptable to betray the hallowed ground of the World Trade Center. People who just don’t get it, people who would ask the families of the victims to look the other way, and pretend it didn't happen.

People who would openly and without apology operate a bar just two blocks from where the Twin Towers once stood that serves as an affront to the memory of so many people who died that day.

The Ground Zero Yankee bar.

The Dakota Roadhouse, located at 43 Park Place is just a stone's throw away from the site of the World Trade Center. And despite the Red Sox and Mets fans who died on that day, the Roadhouse is undoubtedly and unapologetically a Yankees bar. Even their website brazenly advertises a "FREE COORS LIGHT FOR EVERY YANKEE HOME RUN."

I caught up with the owner of this establishment by phone earlier this week and asked him how he could be so insensitive to the memory of the victims of 9/11, and wanted to know whether he would refudiate his business.

Me: Is it true that you operate a Yankee bar?

Douchebag Yankee Bar Operator: Not really. I am a Yankee fan, and we get mostly Yankee fans in here, but we usually show the Mets game and a few other games in here, too. Pretty much anyone who is a baseball fan and wants to have a good time after work is welcome as long as they keep it under control.

Me: But what about all the people who died on 9/11? How can you operate a Yankee bar on such hallowed ground?

DYBO: What? What the hell are you talking about? Who is this? The bar is two blocks away - it is like a five-minute walk from Ground Zero. Is this a fucking joke?

Me: No, it is not a joke. I just want to know why you can't operate your Yankee bar somewhere else. Why does it have to be so close to Ground Zero? Isn't it just a little insensitive to the families of the victims who were Mets fans and Red Sox fans?

DYBO: Dude, lots of Yankee fans were killed on 9/11. And the people who killed them were murderous thugs from Al-Qaeda, not Yankee fans. Are you dense?

Me: No, but I am a Mets fan.

DYBO: Same thing.

Me: See! See! You are a Yankeeist. A radical perpetrator of supporting the Yankees to the exclusion of all other baseball teams.

DYBO: Relax. I was just kidding. I hosted a party in here for a group from Boston just the other night. And they are welcome back any time. By the way, where are you calling from? I didn't recognize the area code.

Me: I live in Kansas. But I am a really big Mets fan and I love this country, just like all Americans.

DYBO: Wait, if you live in Kansas, then why the fuck do you care what we do in New York? There are Red Sox and Mets fans in New York and they don't care at all about my bar. In fact, they come in here sometimes (though usually they go the Mets bar around the corner, or the Red Sox bar up the street). I have lots of friends who are Mets fans, and a few who are Red Sox fans. Why are you calling me from Kansas to give me shit that no one in New York cares about? Are you just bored?

Me: People in the real America want to know that the hallowed ground of the WTC site is not being desecrated.

DYBO: I thought you people were all for local control and states' rights? Don't answer that. Look, I really have no idea what this is about. We were here before 9/11, and we have just as much of a right to be here as anyone else. There were dozens of Yankee bars in New York before 9/11 because there have always been thousands of Yankee fans in New York. I know some of them are assholes, and believe me, we hate those guys more than you do. But the overwhelming majority of Yankee fans are good people who just happen like a different team than you do. They probably got it from their parents.

You know, in the aftermath of 9/11, Americans rightly celebrated what is great about our country, including the freedom to follow whatever baseball team you want, whenever, wherever, and however you choose to follow them. Nothing could be more un-American than to question that most basic of our founding principles. Let the triumph of tolerance and American values over bigotry, hate and misinformation be the enduring lesson of 9/11, and let that be our lasting memorial to the fallen.

Me: That was pretty eloquent. Are you sure are not an allegory being used as a literary device to make a larger point?

DYBO: Whatever.

*This essay is a parody meant to demonstrate the author's views about . . . wait, forget it, if you don't get it then you are a moron. Either way, if anyone took this the wrong way or was truly offended, you have our and my sincere apologies. Seriously.**

**Unless you are a Yankees fan. In that case go cry it out with the other haters of freedom and peace and tolerance at the Dakota Roadhouse.

The Where's Luke Concert Review: Arcade Fire

2010-08-17T18:48:00.002-04:00

About two weeks about, Open Bar and I went to see Arcade Fire in concert at Madison Square Garden. Were I not on blog vacation (industry jargon, YP, MP) I may have blogged about it in a more timely fashion.

The preamble is that only the two of us went, but we also invited Side Bar who had mentioned that he was developing an interest in Arcade Fire in previous goings on. But he didn't want to go. If he had gone and we could have bought the tickets on his AmEx card, then we would have had floor seats. Instead we were in the nosebleeds, but actually they were pretty good seats. Long and uninteresting to tell that whole story, but that's the bulk of it.

Anyhow, the concert was super fantastic awesome. It started with Owen Pallett, the dude who arranges the strings for Arcade Fire. He does this thing where he loops violin parts and plays more violin on top of it and the resulting sound is really pretty. I have his two albums and they are good. His one album, "Has a Good Home" is actually in constant rotation on my iPod. Except one dude playing one violin in a half empty arena doesn't exactly translate to a rockin' performance. I thought it was interesting, however. During that time, Open Bar went to watch the Mets game.

After that dude came Spoon. Open Bar said he recognized one of their songs from the radio, but I didn't recognize it. Their set started with a bunch of people on stage, most notably a horn section and the first couple songs rocked. Then the horn section left and I didn't enjoy the middle part as much. Then the horns came back and I enjoyed it again. They were actually pretty good overall, but I liked the horns.

Spoon didn't go off stage until like 9:45 and I lamented to Open Bar that Arcade Fire wouldn't go on until 10:15 and wouldn't finish until like 1:00 and I wouldn't get home until like 2:00 or 2:30. He seemed to think they would finish before 12:30, but I wasn't feeling that.

So, as predicted Arcade Fire comes on at 10:15. They fucking rocked it out. The second best part about watching an Arcade Fire concert is that they rock the shit out of a song and they all jump around and put tons of energy into it and you can't help but reciprocate that energy. The single best part, however, is that as soon as each song is finished, all of them (and there are like 12 of them) put down their instruments and run around and pick up new instruments to play the next song. Regine, also known as the little tiny girl in the shiny dress, ran from one side of the stage to the other in between every song. She played at least 6 instruments during the concert and also sang. They played a bunch of songs everyone knows and some songs from their new album, which had come out just the day before. (Awesome Music Week review coming on that one once I wrap my head around it a little more.)

And my pre-concert request as stated to Open Bar, "I hope they play all the 'Car' songs," came to fruition. The second song they played was "Keep the Car Running" and then during the encore they played "No Cars Go". They also rocked "Power Out", another of my favorites. And the highlight of the show was, of course, the finale. Their last song was "Wake Up", during which the chanted chorus was, well, chanted by everyone in the audience. Fucking rocked.

Finish time, 12:30, as Open Bar predicted. Plus I got a t-shirt. And even though it's a medium and not large, it isn't embarrasingly small, only "hipster tight" as I'm going to call it. I would fit in well in Williamsburg wearing that shirt.

This concert jumps near the top of the list of concerts I have ever attended. The first Dave Matthews concert I ever went to in 1996 I think is still at the top, just because it represented way more than just a concert to me, and also because me and Side Bar were in the 10th row. But aside from that one, I think this one is next. It was just so damn good. As my Facebook status the next day said: "Arcade Fire at MSG last night. Awesome. Sofa King Awesome."

Dear ESPN,

2010-08-17T18:32:00.003-04:00

I must tell you, "Brett Favre arrives in Minnesota" IS NOT DEVELOPING NEWS. It's certainly not "Our top story at this hour". That's not even A story.

SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT BRETT FAVRE ALREADY!!!!!1!1!!1!11! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

I'm confident at this point that this whole ESPN / Brett Favre thing is going to end with Chris Berman literally fellating Favre on the steps of the football hall of fame in Canton.

Fuck you guys.
Love,
ChuckJerry

Wait Until Next Year, Again

2010-08-12T16:49:00.004-04:00

We write a lot about the Mets on this blog. We might even risk alienating a few of our readers by consistently harping on, complaining about and ridiculing our beloved team. And so, for those of you who would prefer to read about something - anything - other than the Mets (or just like looking at pictures of our spokesmodel, I have good news: the 2010 Mets' season ended last night. (And don't worry. Even though the Mets put together a nice win today, after I had drafted this essay but before I could post it, it doesn't change anything. Call it a dead cat bounce).

The fourth place Mets (yep, fourth) lost a heartbreaker by the score of 6-2 to the Rockies on Wednesday night, despite holding a 2-1 lead going into the top of the eighth inning. In that frame, with two outs and the bases loaded, manager Jerry Manuel opted to let his best pitcher idle in the bullpen so that Manny Acosta (I have no idea) could hang a slider to light-hitting (at least when he's not on steroids) Melvin Mora. Mora promptly added his name to the list of ballplayers who have hit grand slams off of the Mets this year, a list that now stands at nine. The Rockies added one more run for good measure, and the impotent Mets couldn't mount a challenge in the last two innings.

On July 1, the Mets were 44-34, just a game and a half behind the Braves for the division lead. Since then, the Mets have gone 13-23, falling to fourth place, and are now nine games out of first. David Wright can’t hit (0-4 last night with four K's), Jose Reyes can't field (admitting that sometimes he gets bored in the field, and hey, you can't pay attention on every pitch, can you?), and the delusional Jeff Francoueur wants to be a traded to a team - presumably a major league team, but who knows - where he will play every day. And don’t forget the ineffective but still expensive Jason Bay, who was going to return from a belatedly diagnosed concussion "inside a week," and now may end up being sidelined for a month or more. Somewhere, Ryan Church is getting a mild headache and cursing this team.

Also, Johan Santana just might be a rapist (but probably not).

Yet the lackluster performance and disappointing result from last night's game aren't quite enough to pronounce the team legally dead. Not with these Mets. Because sure, miracles happen, right? A hot streak; the Braves collapse; Ryan Howard, Cole Hamels, Roy Halladay and Roy Oswalt all die in a tragic bass fishing accident . . . it's not over until they are technically eliminated, right?

Wrong.

With this team, you can always just sort of tell. When there is that little something extra, usually something off of the field, that's how you know that it is time to go buy an NFL preview magazine. Think Tom Glavine getting his teeth knocked out in a taxi, Mike Piazza having to hold a press conference to deny that he is gay, or David Cone doing that thing in the bullpen that time.

And so it was yesterday when, in addition to losing, the Mets provided another installment in their annual soap opera. First, as noted above, the morning news stories reported on a civil suit filed against Johan Santana by a Florida woman who claims that he raped her. In Johan's defense, the criminal investigation went nowhere for lack of any credible evidence, but it is a distraction nonetheless. Then, not to be outdone, Frankie Rodriguez - the team's effective but occasionally erratic closer - got into a fistfight with his father-in-law after last night's game. K-Rod (a more appropriate name in 2003 when he was really good) allegedly KO'ed his wife's dad (see what I did there?) and is going to face third degree criminal assault charges in Queens.

K-Rod has been good as a closer - in fact, he has been one of the better closers in baseball this year - but these are the shenanigans that befall the Mets every goddamned year. Some crazy, out-of-left-field (man I am killing it today), off-the-wall, bullshit that becomes a huge distraction, and scuttles any hope of just playing regular, winning baseball.

It has been a fun ride, and there have been some memorable moments in 2010 (not to mention hysterical texts from Open Bar), but like every Mets' season in history, save only two, it will end in disappointment. And it concludes with a familiar, hopeful phrase, but one that feels just a bit more desperate each time we have to say it:

Maybe next year.

50 Songs From the Golden Era of Rap -- A Playlist (With Updates)

2010-08-12T12:51:00.014-04:00

A few weeks ago, we went over what the Golden Era of Rap was and what albums comprised it. It was such a smashing success that I've spent ~~the last two days~~ every day since then compiling a playlist from those selections.*

* And by the way, I got all these songs for free using this little trick you may or may not know and which I'm sure there are a million other ways to do but I used this one so that's why I chose to describe it:

Find the song you want on YouTube. Copy the URL and paste it into Dirpy. That will convert the YouTube clip to a downloadable mp3, which you should then, well, download. Save it to a folder on your desktop, then open up iTunes. Pull down the File menu and select "Add file to library." Then select all your mp3s and voila! Free shit. You're welcome.

Also, with Dirpy, you can edit out the beginning or end of any video, so if you wanted Naughty by Nature's "Ghetto Bastard" but don't want that kinda-silly hospital scene/skit thing at the beginning, you can just chop it off. Very helpful.

This trick (if you want to call it that) is especially great for live recordings, which YouTube is packed with. Like this version of Arcade Fire's "Headlights Look Like Diamonds," which is way better than the album version, IMO. You can also use it to make ringtones, like I just did with Will Ferrell-as-Robert Goulet. "Dinkle donkle dinkle donkle someone's calling you Goulet" indeed.

So, here are 50* tracks from 1991-1994 that you should add to your iTunes pronto.

* I picked 50 because as a human being I have a rather pointless habit of attributing greater importance to numbers that are multiples of 10, perhaps due to the number of digits on my hands and feet, though that's just one stupid theory to explain why some people still think some guy with 99 RBIs is somehow clearly inferior at hitting to the guy with 100. And that doesn't even address the fact that RBIs are stupid and -- much like the aforementioned boner people get for multiples of 10 -- vastly overrated as a way to evaluate a hitter since (aside from home runs) a hitter only has an opportunity to get an RBI if some other guy did the work of getting on base in front of him. On top of that, it's easier to drive a guy in from third rather than first -- another thing the hitter has no control over. Basically, RBIs are a completely circumstantial statistic and tell you absolutely nothing about a hitter's ability that you couldn't get using a million other, better ways.

Also, shouldn't they really be called RsBI? Paging William Safire.

I called this "The Golden Era of Rap Playlist" because I'm creative. The list is in no particular order other than alphabetical by artist. Enjoy!

"Tennessee," Arrested Development
"C'mon Wit da Git Down," Artifacts (Incidentally, typing "C'mon Wit da Git Down" made me feel really, really white.)
"Wrong Side of da Tracks," Artifacts (Again, white.)
"I Gotcha Open," Black Moon (Yup, still white over here.)
"The Choice Is Yours," Black Sheep
"Flavor of the Month," Black Sheep
"Punks Jump Up to Get Beat Down," Brand Nubian
"Flava in Ya Ear (Remix)," Craig Mack, feat. Notorious BIG, LL Cool J, Rampage and Bustarhymes
"Hand on the Pump," Cypress Hill
"How I Could Just Kill a Man," Cypress Hill
"Insane in the Brain," Cypress Hill
"If Only," Das EFX
"They Want EFX," Das EFX
"Bitties in the BK Lounge," De La Soul
"My Brother's a Basehead," De La Soul
"Mistadobalina," Del the Funky Homosapien
"Rebirth of Slick," Digable Planets
"Where I'm From," Digable Planets
"Nuthin' But a G Thang," Dr. Dre, feat. Snoop Dogg
"Dre Day," Dr. Dre, feat. Snoop Dogg
"Deep Cover," Dr. Dre, feat. Snoop Dogg
"Mass Appeal," Gang Starr
"Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta," Geto Boys
"Mind Playing Tricks on Me," Geto Boys
"360 (What Goes Around)," Grand Puba
"Loungin," Guru
"Check Yo' Self," Ice Cube
"It Was a Good Day," Ice Cube
"Halftime," Nas
"It Ain't Hard to Tell," Nas
"Represent," Nas
"Everything's Gonna Be Alright (Ghetto Bastard)," Naughty by Nature
"Hip Hop Junkies," Nice and Smooth
"Sometimes I Rhyme Slow," Nice and Smooth
"Big Poppa," Notorious BIG
"Juicy," Notorious BIG
"The What," Notorious BIG, feat. Method Man
"Slam," Onyx
"They Reminisce Over You," Pete Rock and CL Smooth
"Passin Me By," The Pharcyde
"Time 4 Sum Aksion," Redman (More like "Whiteman" for me, amirite?)
"Ain't No Fun," Snoop Dogg
"Gin and Juice," Snoop Dogg
"Award Tour," A Tribe Called Quest
"Check the Rhime," A Tribe Called Quest
"Scenario," A Tribe Called Quest
"Regulate," Warren G, feat. Nate Dogg
"M.E.T.H.O.D. Man," Wu-Tang Clan
"Protect Ya Neck," Wu-Tang Clan
"I Get Around," 2Pac

Damn, that is a solid list of 50 songs. Maybe the best ever put together. Probably. Better than any other playlist on this blog, anyway.

UPDATE:

Here are a few suggested by readers:

"DWYCK," Gang Starr, feat. Nice & Smooth (from Yankel)
"Life's a Bitch," Nas (Yankel)
"I Used to Love H.E.R.," Common (Yankel)
"Don't Sweat the Technique," Eric B & Rakim (Yankel)
"Juice (Know the Ledge)," Eric B & Rakim (Yankel)
"Crooklyn," Crooklyn Dodgers (I just remembered that one)

An Open Letter From The Knicks To Their Remaining Four Fans

2010-08-06T19:27:00.006-04:00

Dear Our Fans,

Oh, hello. Frankly, we're surprised that there are any of you left.

What do we have to do? We've been irrelevant for a decade. We've had scandals, losing record and horrible personnel decisions.

We didn't get LeBron. Instead we signed Amare' Stoudemire along with his balky knee and fucked up eye. Well, him and three gies none of you have ever heard of.

We even traded your favorite player, David Lee.

Really guys, you're pathetic! Don't you have any self respect at all?

Ha! Just kidding, we don't think you do. We don't respect you either!

Seriously, here's the deal: fuck you.

Fuck you, bitches! We suck and we are going to continue to suck and there's nothing you can do about it!

Just to prove our point, we're going to kick you in the balls. Proverbially speaking, of course because it'd take too much effort for us to go kick all of you in the balls. Frankly, we don't think you have any balls anyway.

You're like the Tina Turner of basketballs fans. That would make us Ike, of course.

That's right, bitches, we just signed Isaiah Thomas as a consultant.

Yes, that Isaiah Thomas. The Isaiah Thomas who signed Eddie Curry. The Isiah Thomas who traded for Zach Randolph. The Isiah Thomas who got us dragged to court of sexual harassment. The Isaiah Thomas who OD'ed on sleeping pills and tried to make people think that his daughter was the one who OD'ed. The Isiah Thomas that ensured that we are going to suck for years and years and years. Yep, that one, bitch! How you like them apples?!

Now, he's just a consultant. Not a major role, that's true, but we think it's just enough to remind you that we don't give a fuck about you. Really, we don't.

We're not kidding.

Fuck you.

Love,

The Knicks

Mets Haiku IV

2010-07-29T10:12:00.004-04:00

We almost made it to August this year, but I cannot wait any longer. It's that time again.

Santana falters;
The Mets fight back! But who cares?
Moral wins don't count.

Even a fool knows;
Jerry, don't pitch to Pujols!
Time for heads to roll.

Familiar despair,
A season slipping away;
Bring on the G-Men.

The Where's Luke Movie Review: Inception

2010-07-23T18:57:00.002-04:00

I saw Inception today. It was very good. I would recommend it. It is very engaging and even though it's two and a half hours, it moves along at a good pace. And below this post is a post I just wrote about Lost and the reason they are both here together is that I naturally compared them in my mind with Inception representing a "How To" and Lost representing a "How Not To" on creating an intricate story with details that you may ultimately want to leave up to the viewer.

I don't want to get into the plot because to start explaining it would require me to sortof finish explaining it and I don't want to do that. But I'll say this: the plot is a massive undertaking that requires serious attention to detail and I feel like all of the details were well accounted for. And sortof a side note, Joseph Gordon Levitt has some serious gravitas in his supporting role. There are some moments where it's like, "how come no one but this newbie ever thought of or noticed this before", but ultimately the story is engaging, intricate, and visually stunning.

If you want to go in with a fresh head, then stop reading right now. I'm not going to talk about Inception at all, but I'm going to compare it to some other movies and based on that you'll be able to infer some stuff about this movie. I'm just saying, I warned you. At its absolute most basic level this movie follows a pattern we've seen before in movies like 12 Monkeys, The Usual Suspects, and Total Recall. I think The Usual Suspects doesn't fit perfectly into this mold but at the end of that movie you can, if you are so inclined, argue about what was real and what wasn't and if you had just wasted your time or not. The simplest version of this type of story is Total Recall. But that's what ultimately makes it the least successful. It's ambiguous, yes, but ultimately entirely unimportant. Although I love the notion that the adventure was simply the "vacation" he paid for. It's somehow much more interesting that way. 12 Monkeys is the best example I can think of in this genre. At the end of the day in that movie, either he saved the world or the whole thing was just hallucinations of a crazy guy in 1995. And you really don't even think of the latter possibility until you let it marinate for a while. You're on board the whole time. And the movie doesn't end on the "what's real?" moment, it's just an organic byproduct of the plot. Really well done.

Inception is well done because in order to interpret one way or the other, you'll really need to actually search for the turning point. And what may be the obvious choice for that moment I think is not actually it. And I've only seen it once, so I can't really say where it is without seeing it again. And this is a movie that I will see again. Probably a couple times (on DVD, not like I'm gonna run out to the theater again). And while I'm leaning toward an interpretation, I do appreciate the ambuguity.

Lost, Dealing With My Pain

2010-07-23T18:12:00.006-04:00

My three co-authors were all sitting at the table with me when I had like 4 glasses of wine and was literally pounding the table and yelling about how Lost, on the whole, sucked (and the other people in the restaurant started looking at us). And Open Bar, who actually quit the show at one point for the same reasons I was giving, was trying to defend it much to my surprise. I was willing to withhold judgement until the end of the series, but shit man, I'm really disappointed with the way it turned out. My general point, outside of the pounding and yelling, was that the pilot episode ends with the line, "Guys, where are we?", and after 125 episodes we still don't know. And in fact, we are no closer to knowing than in that pilot. Incidentally, I decided to try and crystallize my thoughts here after seeing Inception today. You have most likely just read the post I'm about to write on that movie, but the short version is that Inception was very good because it was intricate, challenging, and purposely ambiguous without being utterly ponderous. Think 12 Monkeys or even possibly The Usual Suspects. I will probably cut and paste those two sentences into the next post.

Anyway, Lost started the show with essentially two parallel story lines. The shit happening on the island was the sci-fi geeky shit about the nature of the island and what its function was and then the flashbacks were the character studies of the people before they got there and eventually after they left. And somewhere along the way they just dropped the geeky shit altogether and decided to just do the character studies. So it's really easy to decide who will ultimately like and who will ultimately hate the show. If you like the character study, then you liked it, and if you liked the geeky shit and the mystical theories, then you hated it. There's no right or wrong here, except that the show creators could have feasibly decided to finish telling both stories and then everyone would have been happy. I can't possibly fathom being satisfied with the ending of the show, so if you are (Bars, both Open and Side), then I'll just leave you to it. But please don't try and convince me that the story is anything other than 50% told.

At this point I'm really essentially certain of the fact that they just got in way over their heads with the geeky shit and just decided to not ever address it at all, except in the way it intertwined with the character study. The smoke monster, the voices in the forest, the flash sideways, whatever. If those things didn't play a role in the story about fake John Locke and Hurley and Michael and everybody, then they, just like a billion other things, would have been dropped.

It's not even worth making a list of questions that were unanswered. I could go on forever. But I'll say that what I was really hoping was to see the origins of Charles Widmore and Eloise Hawking (who predated the Dharma Initiative), the origins of the Dharma Initiative (including how they found the island, how they know its importance, and some actual exposition on the whole Valenzetti Equation thing), the origins of the Egyptian iconography. And I'm not thinking about things that were addressed that just don't sit right with me (Sayid and Shannon?). That's entirely outside the scope of my little exposition here.

And in comparing it to Inception, I'm not the only one who's thinking this way. In the 11 Points list on Inception, there are some points that I think sum this up nicely:

Unlike the later "Matrix" movies, this isn't a complex story whose complexity comes from the fact that there isn't actually a definitive story. (replace "Matrix" movies with "Lost" TV show.)

and also

"Lost" was considered a smart TV show but part of the reason that smart people couldn't solve it was because there really wasn't something to solve. We could've taken Stephen Hawking off of his current workload and had him devote the past six years to trying to figure out why Libby and Hurley were in the same mental institution -- and he would've failed, because there was no answer.

Here's the best summary I can give about my feelings on Lost. Basically every individual episode was engaging, interesting, worth watching, and most importantly entertaining. And for most shows you would say that as long as you were entertained by those 125 hours, then you got your money's worth. I wasn't expecting meta-answers from Full House, I just liked to hear Uncle Jesse say "have mercy" and watch Dave Coulier do Bullwinkle impressions. But this show was different. Full house was a walk around the block and we made it every time. This show was a plane flight across the Pacific and we.....well, you see where I'm going here. On the whole it fell short. Like way short. To the extent that there simply is no feasible solution to a lot of the things I found most interesting.

And I know I've essentially said the same thing in previous posts and also to you guys in person, but now that I've said it one last time, I think I can let it go.

When does football start?

2010-07-22T11:06:00.009-04:00

Fuck the Mets.

Seriously, getting swept by the Diamondbacks?

I hate you all, Mets, but especially you, Jason Bay. And you, Frankie Rodriguez. And Oliver Perez, who, like a particularly inflamed herpes outbreak, returned last night. And Omar Minaya. And Mike Pelfrey. And Jeff Francouer. And especially, most especially, that sac-bunt-calling, Fernando Nieve-pitching manager made of equal parts misery and rape, Jerry Manuel.

Mark it down: This season is over. Our playoff chances are dead. Perhaps not mathematically, but here's where we stand:

3 games over .500 with 67 to play
6.5 games out of first
3.5 out of the wild card
barely clinging to fifth in the wild-card race

Coming off of a sweep against the remarkably bad D-backs (24 games under .500 -- before playing the Mets), we head into these last 10 weeks of the season with:

a bullpen that contains the aforementioned STD imitator Oliver "Fucking" Perez and several other shitty baseball-throwers who should not be getting paid to throw baseballs
a starting rotation consisting of Johan Santana, a rookie, a 35-year-old knuckleballer and some pieces of rancid, floating debris
a three-catcher rotation that, against all sense, continues to include Rod Barajas as one of its three parts
a player impersonating Jason Bay -- in name, not baseball ability
a position on the field that is ~~played~~ ~~defended~~ stood in by, at best, gimpy Luis Castillo or, sigh, Alex Cora, who hit a home run in Little League once. (Well, it was really one of those grounders to short which the shortstop overthrew to first, then the first basemen ran after it and then overthrew it to second, and by the time the fat, paste-eating kid in left field tracked it down, Cora was dusting himself off after sliding into third for some strange reason when his coach screamed "RUN!" so Alex did. The throw to home beat him by about 10 feet because even then lil' Alex's legs weren't made for "going fast," but luckily the catcher was a girl so she dropped it because girls can't play baseball. Anyway, the official scorer, who may have been Alex's dad, credited him with a "Home Run!!!" and even bought him some tasty French fries and soda pop afterward to celebrate. Good times.)

Despair and inevitability have finally assumed their proper places in the lives of Mets fans worldwide.

Of course, even the Mets (probably) can't manage to continue this awful version of baseball too much longer. During this recent 3-8 stretch, they haven't scored more than four runs once. But a lineup that looks like this:

Reyes
Pagan
Wright
Beltran
Davis
Bay
Thole
Castillo

will wind up scoring a decent amount, even if Jerry Manuel insists on giving away outs and runs willy-nilly by sacrifice bunting even though that's almost always a really stupid thing to do because -- surprise! -- outs are really valuable and you're way more likely to score runs if you let your major-league hitters hit and try to get on base and not make big-inning-killing outs instead.

I'm sure I'll keep watching, and while I watch my heart will defy all logic and reason and continue to believe we'll somehow find our way into the postseason. I will watch as Francisco Rodriguez adds to his already-miles-long list of ways to teach me new forms of heartbreak and suffering and homicidal rage. And while doing all this, I will drink, for that is what Mets fans must do to endure.

Anyways, so later tonight I'll be watching the Mets begin their four-game sweep at the hands of the Dodgers, splitting my time between frantically texting Side Bar in ALL CAPS (the font known as "Manuel") and cutting myself. Swing by if you can! (And bring bourbon.)

JerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerryJerry

2010-07-22T09:23:00.003-04:00

Damn we're old. Happy b-day, sizzle chest.

Wednesday Classic Video: If You Only Knew

2010-07-21T15:17:00.003-04:00

If you are anything like me, you are going to be equal parts thrilled and nauseated by how many of the words to this song you'll remember.

These guys were the biggest clowns in the history of clowns and yet somehow we were completely riveted by this stuff. Well, all of us except LJT. I know that winit is with me on this one. Miss Elizabeth was a hottie.

R.I.P. Asshole

2010-07-13T17:56:00.008-04:00

This, by the way, was our first-ever picture. Fitting.

Quick thoughts on the second-most-significant person nicknamed "The Boss":

Passionate about winning.
One of a kind.
Larger than life.
Imminent subject of a Hollywood biopic.
Convicted felon, later pardoned.
Payer of money to scumbag gambler Howard Spira to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield, who was nice enough to give me candy on Halloween.
Monumental figure in baseball history.
Shame of Williams College (according to my dad, at least).
Wielder of the greatest weapon in professional sports over the last 50 years, the eliminator of mistakes, the poor-decision nullifier, the bringer of inevitability, the odds stacker, the undeniable and undeniably significant advantage over his competitors: his checkbook.
And finally,

Asshole.

There will never be another.

The World Cup Was Awesome, Then it Wasn't

2010-07-12T11:33:00.003-04:00

In keeping with our recent theme (to wit: professional sports that no one gives a shit about), I wanted to share my thoughts on the World Cup. Well, I actually wanted to share my thoughts on the World Cup several weeks ago, but I just didn't get around to it. If I had written this post a few weeks ago, it would have gone something like this:

Wow. The World Cup is really great. It is so fun and exciting to watch, and it is encouraging to see Americans really get behind the sport. Each match is quick (compared to say, a baseball game), lively, and totally action-packed. Unicorns, rainbows and hope. Hugs.

And I think I would have been justified in writing that post at the outset of the World Cup. People were excited about the American team, the games are a bit swifter than most U.S. sports, and they are punctuated with moments of incredible drama. The U.S. win over Algeria in extra time was incredibly exciting, and it really felt like all of NYC (at least where I was watching) had taken time out of the day to root for the team. Ergo, World Cup was great. The U.S. team's loss to Ghana was disappointing, but there was still plenty of great soccer left to watch.

But even then, there were some cracks in this happy facade. A U.S. goal against Slovenia was disallowed on a phantom call. And as frustrating as that was, it was compounded by the fact that the referee (note the singular - because there is only one fucking referee who is responsible for covering the entire match) was not required to identify the nature of the penalty, or the player who committed it.

And the flops. Oh those god-damned flops. How many times have we seen players lose their footing when they engage a defender, go flying through the air, and land on the ground writhing in agony, only to have a television replay reveal that there was absolutely no contact whatsoever? A good clue to this nonsense is often that the gie who looks like he is about to pass out from the pain one minute is happily trotting down the field the next. It has become so much a part of the game that it takes over the game; a good slide with no contact earns a yellow card, while a kick to the chest is overlooked by the referees. I think most U.S. fans find this incredibly unsatisfying -- refs miss penalties or calls in our sports all the time (just ask that gie for the Tigers) -- but it is very, very difficult to get used to the level of inconsistency on yellow cards, and the frequency with which these gies dive and just beg for penalties.

There is also the matter of "stoppage time." The concept makes perfect sense: the clock is not stopped during each 45-minute regulation half, so the referee has discretion to add a few extra minutes to the half to to account for any stoppage of play due to injuries, etc. But in practice, the clock is so loosely enforced as to make it laughable. There has never been a single World Cup game that has ended on a breakaway, or just before a corner kick could be taken, etc. Stoppage time always ends when the ball settles in the middle of the field, or rolls out of bounds, or there is some other natural break in play. It is almost as if the ref looks at his watch and thinks, "man, time is up, but I gotta see how this thing ends." The lack of precision with timekeeping is completely foreign in U.S. sports that play off of a clock.

But there is more. Because there is only one ref, he tends to miss really, really important things. Like goals. Like goals being scored against Germany by England. Like the one everyone in the world saw (even me, because Jet Blue is awesome) except the one guy who needed to see it. And yet, despite the incredible consequences a single goal can have on the match (though, in fairness, perhaps not that particular Germany-England match), FIFA has long maintained that they won't introduce instant replay (though that might finally, finally be changing). Even baseball uses instant replay now to determine whether or not a ball was hit for a home run. There are no good arguments left to allow goals to stand that were not goals, and to fail to award a goal when one was scored.

And there is still more. Remember those yellow cards? The ones that sometimes are given out when a player commits a penalty, but other times are given out for no particular reason at all. Well, if you get two of those in consecutive matches, you do not get to play in the next match. This is the equivalent of benching an NFL player in week six who was flagged for personal fouls in weeks four and five (Jeremy Shockey would have missed all of 2006 under this regime). It would be one thing if the yellow cards actually meant something, and were only handed out in response to truly dangerous play, or blatant rule violations. But as it stands, they are handed out so wantonly as to make the punishment (missing an entire game) completely out of whack with the crime. Just ask Thomas Mueller of Germany, who was benched against Spain because of a yellow card issued after an alleged handball. There can be little doubt that Mueller - the top scorer in the tournament and winner of the "Golden Boot" - might have helped Germany alter the outcome against the eventual champions.

The most frustrating aspect of this is how easy it would be to change most of it. Add another ref. Introduce instant reply on balls that may or may not have gone in the net. And, if a player gets two yellow cards in successive matches, review both yellow cards (after the games but before the next one) to determine whether a game suspension is warranted (the NBA does this now when a player is suspended for getting too many technicals).

Referees will always have an impact on sports, but the extent of that impact, and the extent to which the human element can just completely ruin a game and a tournament, can be minimized with little to no impact on the game itself.

Counterpoint: LeBron James Is the Biggest Bitch That Ever Bitched

2010-07-09T15:02:00.004-04:00

Side Bar probably shouldn't be smiling --
he can't gay marry LeBron in Florida. :-(

Earlier today, SB felt the need to comfort poor LeBron. I couldn’t have disagreed more with SB's DECISION, and here’s why ... (And, for the record, this post isn't about Side Bar being a bitch. It's about the bitch who just moved to South Beach being a bitch.)

SB, you said: “No matter what decision he made, someone was going to be disappointed.”
I say, on the other hand, LeBron James is a bitch. In this whole saga, it’s very much the journey that made him the bitch, though the destination is also quite bitch. The way he orchestrated things these last few weeks and especially last night’s new pinnacle of self-centered bullshit, “The Decision” – that is largely what made him a bitch, though to be sure, the final choice of Miami over Cleveland, New York and Chicago is bitch for another set of reasons.

SB, you said: “He hardly smiled, seemed almost apologetic to Jim Gray for his decision”
You know why? Guilty conscience. Yes, he was embarrassed at the choice he was making because he knows how shitty it is on so many levels, most especially taking a dump on Cleveland after stringing them along all this time and also by agreeing to permanently become Scottie Pippen.

SB, you said: “I have yet to hear anyone talk about the fact that he is putting team and collective excellence ahead of the maximum possible salary. That is an atypical approach for modern-day superstar athletes; perhaps it should be celebrated, not vilified.”
So his salary will now be about $15M-plus, instead of $16.6M. Big fucking difference. And as I said yesterday, LeBron James’ NBA salary is only a fraction of what Lebron™ makes. (Though maybe he did just give up $150 million, but I don’t think that’s what you were implying, so you don’t get credit. And even with that, it wasn’t his intention to sacrifice that money; he’ll lose it as a result of everyone now thinking he’s a bitch.)

SB, you said: “He had to at least make sure that he himself would not be disappointed, and the way to do that was to go to the team that was most likely to win a championship.”
Sure, the Heat are probably now the favorites to win it all next year. But had he gone to the Bulls, they certainly would have been the favorites. I think you can make a pretty damn good case that a starting five comprised of Derrick Rose, LeBron, Carlos Boozer, Luol Deng, and Joakim Noah is better than Wade, LeBron (who should always be mentioned second, from now on), Bosh, Dabney and Wayne Chrebet or whatever other league-minimum guys the Heat will put on the floor to round out the team. And to further that point, if winning is all that matters, why not take an even bigger pay cut -- say, league minimum -- so the team can acquire some decent supporting players?

SB, you said: “There are only so many times that TNT can make the Heat-Lakers the game of the week.”
There are exactly two.

SB, you said: “once Bosh and Wade made their decision, LeBron almost seemed to be falling in line, not leading the charge. The build-up to this whole summer was all about LeBron. But the way it played out made his decision feel a little bit like an afterthought.”
Okay, you got that part right. See? I’m being fair.

A few more thoughts…

First of all, as a life-long Delonte West fan, I’m happy that he’s probably the most popular player in the Midwest right now. Way to go, Delonte!

Fuck this whole going-to-charity nonsense, too. It was the Boys and Girls Club…of Greenwich, Connecticut. LIKE THEY NEED ONE OF THOSE IN FUCKING GREENWICH.

And I thought pessimism was a Mets fan’s default state. I can only imagine what it’s like if you’re from Cleveland. Actually, no, I’d rather not imagine that.

Can’t WAIT to see the Heat’s first visit to Cleveland next year. I thought when Johnny Damon went back to Fenway after signing with the yankees that the reaction was rough. Bring the Kevlar, LePippen!

What I also can’t wait for? Carmelo.

And not a single word of thanks to the people of Cleveland? He pretty much gave them an hour-long kick to the balls. That’s really what it must’ve felt like if you’re Joe Unemployed Guy at the bar in Cleveland – like you just got kicked right in the balls for an hour. (A ha! Perhaps THIS is why SB identifies so closely with LeBron.) Now, normally I’m all for disparaging anything to do with Ohio or its residents (except Kenyon, shut up, LJT), but even I have my limits. What LeBron did was just sadistic.

And thank you, Kevin Durant. Much as I hate when people get all moralizing and shit when it comes to star athletes, the two ways that LeBron and Durant handled their contract situations couldn’t have contrasted better. Durant = class. LeBron = bitch.

LeBron, allow me to address you directly for a moment. Everyone now wants you to fail. Sure the Heat may have some new fans, but that's because no one has ever given a shit about them before. Except for maybe a few randoms -- and they already like Dwyane Wade better anyway. Have fun being Garfunkel the rest of your life, you bitch.

And finally, props to LJT for pointing out that if you’re still on the fence about whether LeBron is as big a bitch as I’ve made him out to be here, please consider his dumbass Abe Lincoln beard – which no one can blame ESPN for.

Farewell, Young David. Tear :- (

2010-07-09T14:11:00.004-04:00

LeBron, whatever. There was never a moment I thought he would realistically come to the Knicks. I really thought he'd go to Chicago, but whatever, that's finally over.

But the Knicks. The fucking Knicks. Please, someone explain to me why the only thing that has come out of Madison Square Garden that has brought me any joy in the last five years is gone. David Lee, David fucking Lee, who I am admittedly totally biased for and probably overrate, but who did average 20 and 10 last year and was an all star, was traded away.

I didn't like when they said that they were gonna go out and get LeBron, Wade, and Bosh and so they couldn't afford to keep Lee (what a preposterous plan, btw. you'll never get those guys on the same team.), but I understood. But now they have all this salary cap space, they signed a guy whose game is contingent on having a good point guard which they don't have, and THEY STILL SUCK. Their plan went to shit and the only thing that I still truly loved about the Knicks is gone. Gone. And who the fuck is Anthony Randolph?

Is this now a 2011 free agent plan?

Evan had a much more rational response to this turn of events. I think I'm on the verge of just quitting the NBA all together. Wake me up for the Lakers-Heat Final.

In LeBron We Disgust

2010-07-09T10:24:00.004-04:00

The LeBron James free agency saga lasted nearly two years, reaching an almost fever pitch over the last two weeks. Will he or won't he? Stay or go? And where? The answer was finally revealed last night, in one of the most anti-climactic, faux dramatic announcements since Bill Clinton acknowledged that he had, in fact, had sex with that woman.

And today comes the inevitable outrage. LeBum. In an open letter to Cavaliers' fans, majority owner Dan Gilbert absolutely excoriated the "former King," calling his a "cowardly betrayal," and guaranteeing that the Cavs would win an NBA title before LeBron (a proclamation that Harvey Araton of the Times rightly characterized as "foolish"). (Side note: Read the whole letter. It was so obviously written in the heat of the moment and with emotion that it is almost funny to see how absolutely devastated this guy is to have lost LeBron. I cannot imagine how David Stern doesn't fine this guy for this letter). There are reports out of Cleveland of people burning their LeBron jerseys, and of others throwing rocks at a local billboard that displays the suddenly erstwhile hometown hero.

LeBurn

I am not the biggest NBA fan (though I might have become one if LeBron had opted to sign with the Knicks), so my reaction to the whole thing was somewhat muted. But I do keep coming back to two sentiments that run together, and I guess they form my reaction to this whole episode. First, I feel kind of badly for LeBron (calm down, keep reading). Second, this really could not have played out any worse for the NBA.

The frustration of Cavs' fans, the disappointment of Knicks' fans and Bulls' fans, and the general discontent of sports' fans with LeBron's decision is understandable. But it is also not fair. Whatever he did, LeBron could not win. No matter what decision he made, someone was going to be disappointed (a point he made to Jim Gray last night, almost defensively). If he signed with anyone other than the Cavaliers, he was going to be a sell out. A hometown star who deserted his friends and family for a bigger stage. But signing in Cleveland would have made it tougher for him to win a championship (because he was unable to lure other free agents to his team). It also would have increased his overall take, opening him up to criticism that he was really making a purely economical decision. So in making his choice, as he explained it to Jim Gray, he had to at least make sure that he himself would not be disappointed, and the way to do that was to go to the team that was most likely to win a championship, his ultimate goal. With both Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh committed to Miami, the decision had to be an easy one once it was viewed through that lens. And if winning a championship was your ultimate goal, I am not sure any of us would have done anything differently.

Sports figures are routinely criticized, if not worse, for their absolute and myopic pursuit of the highest dollars they can get. There is no loyalty, there is no concept of team, just an all-penetrating desire to maximize cash. LeBron took a different approach. And while he will hardly be on welfare, I have yet to hear anyone talk about the fact that he is putting team and collective excellence ahead of the maximum possible salary. That is an atypical approach for modern-day superstar athletes; perhaps it should be celebrated, not vilified.

Watching LeBron last night, he looked every bit the part of a guy who showed up at his coronation only to regret having to wear the crown. I honestly would not have traded places with him at that moment. He hardly smiled, seemed almost apologetic to Jim Gray for his decision, and copped out behind the fact that his mom had blessed his decision (insert Delonte West joke here), as if that would be enough for the rest of us, too. ESPN's woefully inadequate production didn't help either. This broadcast was thrown together at the last minute, and when James actually announced his decision --- the moment ESPN tells us we have all been waiting for --- you could barely hear him, and there was no reaction from the audience at all. The entire hour ended up being awkward, uncomfortable, and just plain weird. Again, LeBron shoulders some of the blame for this: Kevin Durant didn't agree to a prime time special to announce his signing with Oklahoma City. But LeBron was trying to do something good, i.e., capitalize on ESPN's fascination with this whole saga to sell some airtime for the benefit of one of his charities. But instead it just came off as a self-promoting PR stunt.

I know there are people in the world who deserve a lot more sympathy than a 25 year-old who is already a millionaire many times over. But that's just it. He is only 25 years old. I am not sure I could have handled this level of media scrutiny any better than he did, and I am not sure I would have made a different decision. ESPN and other media outlets made this the biggest sports story of the year because, well because that's what they do, they promote and sell interest in sports. So accusations that LeBron "carefully constructed" this whole process are tongue-in-cheek at best; LeBron could have crawled under a rock for the last two weeks and this still would have been a huge story (he just about did).

Given the money he is guaranteed to make, LeBron really couldn't lose here. But given the microscope he was under, and the millions of people who were going to criticize whatever decision he made, he couldn't really win, either. I think he knew that, and I think that is why he made his decision.

In addition to my (mild) sympathy for LeBron, I cannot see how this whole thing could have played out any worse for the NBA. Three of the league's best players are now concentrated in one market, and on one team. There are only so many times that TNT can make the Heat-Lakers the game of the week. The timing was off too: once Bosh and Wade made their decision, LeBron almost seemed to be falling in line, not leading the charge. The build-up to this whole summer was all about LeBron. But the way it played out made his decision feel a little bit like an afterthought.

The comparisons to the "evil empire" are already underway. And LeBron's near perfect image now has at least a few smudges on it. The Heat will no doubt sell tickets wherever they go, but LeBron was going to sell out arenas wherever he played. I just cannot understand how it helps the NBA to send Team USA out 82 times a year to beat up on lesser teams (I suppose Kobe could take issue with that last sentence, but few others could).

I would have liked to see LeBron in New York (of course), but failing that I really wanted him to stay in Cleveland. It felt like the ending we would have expected out of a cheesy movie. But instead he chose the team that he (rightly) thinks gives him the best chance to win a championship, rather than the team that could and would pay him the most money. Stripping away all the hype that accompanied this whole saga - some of which he created or encouraged, but most of which he did not - I am just not convinced (as many people seem to be) that his decision is worthy of contempt and scorn.

Go Fuck Yourself, LeBron (Also, Please Come to New York)

2010-07-08T11:05:00.017-04:00

Admittedly, I'm not the world's biggest or most loyal Knicks fan, but it's also not my fault that over the past decade-plus, Isiah Thomas and the Dolans treated me and all Knicks supporters like Stephon Marbury does interns in pickup trucks. It's been a dark, desolate period of salary-cap incompetence, unfathomably bad management at all levels, and Eddy Curry donut runs since Spree took us to the Finals in 1999.

But these past two years, under Donnie Walsh and Mike D'Antoni, have provided the first glimmer of hope in ages. I was a fan of the decision to more or less forfeit two seasons in order to open up cap space to afford premium free agents in the 2010 offseason. Basically, they were willing to lose a lot if it meant getting LeBron James.

Everything was going according to plan.

Until now, I guess, as it appears "sources" are "indicating" LeBron is gonna choose Miami. In which case, adios, asshole, have fun in South Beach with Dwyane and Chris as you add your contribution to the NBA's return to being completely uninteresting.

Really, who's gonna want to watch those three just stampede over everyone else? The only way it'll be watchable is if they somehow fuck it all up and don't win like 75 games every year and go undefeated through the playoffs and win five straight championships.

Of course, there will be one group of happy people: Heat fans. Everyone else, though, will either quickly learn to hate the Heat or simply turn their attention elsewhere. It's kind of like those offseasons where the yankees go out and buy everyone who's good -- sure, it makes yankee fans happy, but everyone else's reactions range from "FuCk teh stineBrennerz!" to "Whatever, same shit, different year, when's football back?"

[Excuse me for a moment, as I go off on a bit of a tangent...

But that's pretty much where the yankee comparison ends. The NBA season is quite a different creature from the baseball season. In baseball, even a team like the yankees -- with their non-salary-capped $200 million-plus payroll, with their All-Stars at just about every position, with their infield that makes more money than several entire teams -- still can only win about 60% of their games. Right now, their best-in-baseball record is 53-31, a .631 winning percentage. Winning 100 games in a season -- which very rarely happens -- only equates to winning about 62% percent of the time. So for much of the regular season, and certainly on a game-by-game basis, there is at least some drama, some degree of suspense as Mariano comes in to close out a 2-run game. And that's even when the yankees play the Royals, who, due to the nature of baseball, will still beat the yankees about 30% of the time or more, no matter the disparity in salary or talent.

However, in basketball, the best teams routinely win over 60 out of 82 games a year. Last season, the Cavs had the league's best record at 61-21, meaning they won about 75% of the time -- and that isn't even all that remarkable for an NBA team.

By comparison, the very best record in all of baseball history is 116-36, by the 1906 Chicago Cubs. Know what that percentage comes out to? 75%.

The '96 Bulls, who own the NBA's best record ever, went 72-10 (.878 winning pct.); they were 41 and fucking 3 at one point that year, before (presumably) taking it easy the rest of the way. Point is, if LeBron goes to Miami to join those other two -- after all the drama and nonsense and bullshit hour-long ESPN "decision specials" whose proceeds "go to charity" that we've been subjected to the past two years as he approached free agency -- anything less than a full-on attempt to match and/or exceed what the Jordan-era Bulls accomplished (both regular-season-wise and in total championships) will be a big letdown.

Now back to what we were talking about...]

And hey, I don't blame LeBron for much of this. Sure, it's nauseatingly egotistical. Sure, it's greedy. But hey, he's put in his time (and in fucking Cleveland, too, let's not forget), he's earned the right to make his demands and then take however much time he wants to decide.

The way it stands now, I tend to agree with this guy, whose tweet I put at the top.

Loyalty, wherever it fits in the world of free-agency-oriented, multi-billion-dollar professional sports, is worth something, sure. And maybe he really loves Ohio. And maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot. Whatever, I've long thought he was gonna end up staying there. And if he does, who's really gonna be surprised? The worst consequence for LeBron is that people will accuse him of stringing his oldest fans along for all this time. That, and he'll still be in Ohio.

However, if he comes to New York, he has the opportunity to achieve something towering. Winning a championship here would be the grandest coronation someone whose nickname is King anyway could imagine. I bet he would shoot right past Jeter-level adulation and enter the Mantle Zone. With a premiere player like Amar'e (why the dick is there an apostrophe there?) here already and more cap space opening next summer (cough -- Carmelo -- cough), he could do a lot worse. Like, say, Ohio.

But Miami? As I described above, the expectations are prohibitively high already and besides, it'll look weak, like he took the easy way out. And I'm sure we'll hear all about how he and the other two already-super-rich guys agreed to take less money to make it happen. Spare me. LeBron James, NBA player, earns a pittance compared to LeBron™.

So it pretty much comes to this: Stay in Cleveland, and this whole saga, while anticlimactic, is at least over and your people will still love you. Or you can come to New York and be loved and give us championships and make the Knicks a real-life basketball team again. Or else, go have fun in Florida while no cares as you fail chasing Jordan like a junkie chases the dragon, you greedy fucker.

This Guy Really Likes Rainbows

2010-07-06T23:20:00.001-04:00

Fuck Frankie Rodriguez

2010-07-05T17:13:00.002-04:00

The reason the Mets are not going to do anything other than sputter out by September is Frankie Rodriguez. At this point in his career he can throw five pitches:

1) a 56 foot curve ball
2) a 58 foot slider
3) a 57 foot change up
4) a 59 foot fastball
5) a fastball right over the plate

He yanks like 90% of his pitches straight into the ground. I could hit him at this point. Opposing batters need only wait for the one fastball he's gonna throw right down the middle and hit the snot out of it. The hitters who cannot do even that have the option of just taking the walk, which he will give as long as you don't swing.

I hate him and he sucks (mutually exclusive).

A Man, A Plan, A Canal, Side Bar

2010-06-25T18:44:00.003-04:00

Happy birthday, doovis.

Side Bar is the best.

The Social Skills Series: Misanthropy

2010-06-25T07:54:00.004-04:00

My default setting is to not talk to people and I've decided that the reason why is because I really just don't identify with most people. I think that's kindof a generalized conclusion when the reality is slightly more complex, but, at the end of the day, it's essentially true. I guess we could go on ad nauseam about the differences between sympathy and empathy and why they are mutually exclusive and why identifying with people is not really a prerequisite for socializing with them, but for me, identifying with someone goes a long way toward building some sort of relationship.

The problem I seem to have is that a lot of the people that I end up interacting with are just really stupid. And it's not like I go out of my way to find stupid people all over the place, they just are all over the place. And dealing with stupid people really just enrages me. And so there's a slippery slope argument where I just think about all the interactions I could have that would end up with me being enraged at the general stupidity of the world and I just choose to opt out a lot of the time. (Joe just ctrl-tabbed to another tab in order to link to an essay about how the slippery slope argument is flawed.) I know this is not a logical thing to do. In addition to the slippery slope argument being flawed, this is definitely a case in which an existential instantiation is reapplied as a universal generality, a logical impossibility.

Here's an example. I went to McDonald's the other day to get a frappe (yes, I quit McDonald's, but, as discussed, coffee products, really the entire McCafe line does not count as cheating). I ordered just that one thing and it cost $3.03. Immediately I was upset at the fact that someone decided that this was a good price for this product. That three cents just bothered me from the jump, but I had also just taken all the change out of my pocket so unless the kid working the drive through was moderately with it (two chances, slim and none), I was going to end up walking around with 97 cents in my pocket. Paying fractions of dollars less than ten cents is one of the things I've decided is just a travesty of justice that should be abolished by society, although clearly it's something that is just going to continue to bother me since there's really no reasonable recourse. I decided that for my sanity I would not try and talk the guy out of the three cents, instead I just handed him $4.00 and let the energy flow through me in a positive way.

Then....then....the fucking kid reaches out his hand and says, "Ninety three cents is your change," and dumps the change in my hand along with the receipt that says my change is ninety seven cents. I stared at him for about a half second. In that half second I'm sure that what was going through the kid's mind was "I like cake" and in that same half second I had a revelation. I had an entire vision of asking this kid why he needed to charge me the three cents when it was a negligible amount and then, just to add insult to injury, he decided to stiff me on my change by FOUR cents in a bit of irony that is really just too perfect for Tennessee Williams to construct. And then the kid was going to say something ridiculously stupid, and then I was going to have to ask to talk to the manager and then we were going to have a whole discussion about this and I was going to be late for where I was trying to get to and all of this was going to be over seven cents. So instead I just made sure to stare at him long enough so that he thought it was weird and something must be wrong, I put the change in my pocket, and drove away. And every day, over things like seven cents, I lose faith in humanity.

You're going to say something like if I had just told the kid that he owed me four cents then he would have given it to me and I wouldn't have to lose faith in humanity. Or, more generally, if I would let people know when they don't meet my expectations then they can meet them, or at least try. But I can't do that. I don't want to tell people that they don't meet my expectations, I just want them to do it. I have reached a point in life where in most situations the most I ever expect of people is the absolute minimal level of effort, competence, and basic wherewithall (three word compound word. awesome). And since, from my perspective, my options are to either spend most of my day literally yelling at people or to just stay calm and not say anything and let the moment pass, I choose the latter. This argument extends far beyond people providing me with a service. Most interactions involve expectations of some sort, either specific or abstract.

Anyway, a lot of my interactions, even the seemingly innocuous ones, have repercussions like this in my head. Also I find that having a genuinely innocuous interaction is something that is undesirable and unacceptable and essentially pointless. I'm not willing to have a conversation that doesn't have a point. I personally prefer awkward silence to meaningless chatter. That seems to be a minority opinion, but I really just can't participate in conversations that do not have a concrete foundation. And so I don't really find it easy to converse with most people, especially new people.

I'm not trying to suggest that I'm the only one whose doing this life thing correctly. Nor am I trying to suggest that my opinions are the correct ones. Nor am I trying to suggest that I don't necessarily fall into the subset of stupid people. But I did read an article in the New York Times the other day about some research that suggests one of the hallmarks of incompetence is the inability to even notice one's incompetence. At least I recognize my shortcomings in the social arena, and I'm trying to make some sense of it.

An ancillary benefit of my misanthropy is that, every once in a while, I'll meet a person who I do find it easy to converse with. And those people fascinate me. I've been trying to decide what it is that makes those people different than everyone else and I've got a couple of ideas, but no real conclusions. The people that I find it easy to talk to are usually pretty smart, roughly my age, and have an appreciation for esoterica and/or popular culture.

But most people, well, most people just don't do it for me.

The Social Skills Series: Making Friends

2010-06-17T10:58:00.006-04:00

I think I became friends with all you Teaneck fools by default. I met LJT on the first day of third grade and on that day, for some reason that I can't really put into words, it was clear that we were going to be friends for the forseeable future. By electricity I became friends with Open Bar, Side Bar, Diesal, Winit, and so forth. (I think we need to bring that electricity thing back. Man the 80s were awesome. When is the last time you even played tag? What if we just played freeze tag next time we all got together? That would be mad weird.) Then by electricity through Side Bar I became friends with MMG, Walt Clyde, Beer on Girl, Daffy, and everyone else who doesn't have an available nickname. (Side note: You remember when we used to be friends with girls, too? Me neither.)

In college I made a few friends, most of whom lived on my floor in my freshman year, and one of whom I happened to marry, but I don't think I really went crazy trying to meet people. Since I graduated college I think I've made one friend. (Shout out to the Commodore.)

Speaking of the Commodore, before he moved to a different continent, we used to talk a lot about how I don't really ever do anything. He would always try to get me to come out with him and do stuff and I would usually just stay home. And then we'd have a conversation about how I don't have social skills and I usually just prefer to do nothing versus something. And then this one time the Commodore came with me into the city and met some of you fools (LJT, Open Bar, Side Bar, Gold, I think Diesal) and we went to the bar or something and general debauchery ensued. And then on the way home he's like, "Ok, I figured it out. It's not that you don't have social skills, you just choose not to use them. You go on and on with those guys and with everyone else you just sit there."

And maybe that's true. But like what need to I have to build an esoteric network of 20 year old references and inside jokes when I already have one? It would be impossible to build a social network that's nearly as strong as the one I have in place, nor do I require any ancillary social fulfillment. And the effort required to be social with people outside of that network seems to be fairly high for me relative to the returns. I see social situations largely as a chore rather than as something fun and/or worthwhile. So really what's the point?

Also, I love you guys.

Fuck BP and The Government

2010-06-17T10:37:00.003-04:00

I don't know shit about shit when it comes to this oild in the Gulf of Mexico thing, but, based solely on my limited viewing and reading of news reports and such, the general consensus seems to be that this oil leak would actually be fairly easy to stop if they would just blow up the well. This would render the well useless, but would stop the oil from leaking. Apparently BP has only tried strategies so far that will allow them to keep using the well after they get their shit together. And the government hasn't really forced them not to do that.

From what I understand, a similar thing has happened with Russian controlled oil wells like 4 or 5 times, and every time it has happened they have blown it up and stopped the leaking with absolute success. This is a problem that already has a solution and they're not using it.

Yo Barack, I figured out whose ass you need to kick. It's the oil well's ass. Blow that shit up, find more oil somewhere else. Better yet, put up a windmill.

The Best Dollar I Ever Spent

2010-06-17T10:33:00.005-04:00

The iPhone app, Angry Birds, is the single most entertaining thing you can get for a dollar. If you have an iPhone or iTouch, get this app today. If you were thinking about getting an iPhone, then let this be the thing that pushes you over the edge. If you don't have an iPhone and weren't considering getting one, then maybe you should.

Angry Birds rules.

The Golden Era of Rap -- 1991-1994

2010-06-11T12:23:00.014-04:00

Ah, early-'90s rap.

LJT and I have spent an embarrassing amount of time between the hours of 2 and 5 in the morning singing the praises of "De La Soul Is Dead" and "Doggystyle," among many other classic albums of our late-middle-school/early-high-school years. It's high time we open up those moments of brilliance and illuminate the world.

While 1990 ("Mama Said Knock You Out") and 1995 ("Dah Shinin'") had their share of great LPs, the four-year span from '91 to '94 simply overflows with excellence. These are albums we knew were great then and have more than held up over time. I've often wondered if, in our later years when we're watching all the grandkids running (hoverboarding?) around the grill and playing lightsaber wiffleball, are we gonna be playing old hip-hop tunes? I've always found the idea of 70-year-old men sitting on the porch fondly singing along while "Ain't No Fun" plays softly in the background, I dunno, incongruous or something. (Picture an old white dude with thick glasses crooning, "So back up, bitch, because I'm struuuuuggling / Just get on your knees and then start juuuuuuggling...") It's an odd image, anyway, and I have no idea what its ultimate likelihood is.

We've covered musical eras a little before, but it's kinda surprising we never got around to this one. I'm not sure what it was about those years, but holy crap was there a shit-ton of great music. It wasn't just the peak era for rap in our lifetimes; '91-'94 was the also the Grunge era in rock, an era bookmarked on one side by crappy hair-metal nonsense like Winger and White Lion, and on the other by crappy boy-band nonsense like 98 Degrees and O-Town. (The Grunge era, by the way, also definitely deserves a full write-up, covering the time of Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Stone Temple Pilots and Soundgarden.)

And while the hip-hop surrounding this Golden Era of Rap wasn't as full of complete shit as rock was, its peak was probably even greater, and certainly more prolific.

Anyway, after viewing this fucking inspired Kia commercial:

An artist's rendering of LJT's subconscious?
I decided it's high time we put together a list of exactly what those classic tracks and albums were. Following is a simple year-by-year list and a little commentary here and there, but I think a decent project for us would be to occasionally pick an album or a song from this list and devote a proper post to it.

At the bottom, I'll try to pick out my top 5, and I encourage y'all to add yours below or in the comments. And I'm surely missing some gems, as I only did a cursory amount of additional research past what I could think of off the top of my head, so please feel free to chime in there too.

Without further ado...

1991
De La Soul, “De La Soul Is Dead”
Black Sheep, “Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing”
A Tribe Called Quest, “The Low End Theory”
Cypress Hill, “Cypress Hill”
Naughty by Nature, “Naughty by Nature”

1992
Dr. Dre, “The Chronic”
Redman, “Whut? Thee Album”
Nice and Smooth, “Ain’t a Damn Thing Changed”
Pharcyde, “Bizarre Ride to the Pharcyde” (Along with "De La Soul Is Dead," probably the funniest of the great albums. It's a damn shame every fucking group decided to put a bunch of skits on their albums; 99% utterly sucked.)
Pete Rock and CL Smooth, “Mecca and the Soul Brother”
Das EFX, “Dead Serious”
Arrested Development, “3 Years, 5 Months, and 2 Days…”
Ice Cube, “The Predator”

1993
Wu Tang, “Enter the Wu Tang: 36 Chambers”
Snoop Dogg, “Doggystyle”
A Tribe Called Quest, “Midnight Marauders”
Brand Nubian, “In God We Trust” (Incidentally, the song “Punks Jump Up to Get Beat Down” has some pretty fucking awful homophobic lyrics sprinkled throughout, which is why it’s pretty funny that Lord Jamar opens the third verse by saying “My dick in ya ass, quick fast, like my name was Flash…” then later brags that he “gives strong blows to the heads of my foes.” Ha! It’s funny ’cause Lord Jamar’s a homo!)
Guru, “Jazzmatazz”
Digable Planets, “Reachin…”
Cypress Hill, “Black Sunday”
Onyx, “Bacdafucup”
Naughty by Nature, “Nineteen-Naughty Three”
Black Moon, “Enta da Stage”

1994
Nas, “Illmatic”
Biggie, “Ready to Die”
Outkast, “southernplayalisticadillacmuzik”
Gang Starr, “Hard to Earn”
Method Man, “Tical”

And some outstanding singles:
Dr. Dre and Snoop, “Deep Cover” (1992) (This one gets my vote for the best beat of all time. The only other one I can think of that compares is Public Enemy's "Fight the Power.")
Craig Mack, feat. Biggie, Rampage, LL Cool J and Bustarhymes, “Flava in Ya Ear (Remix)” (1994)
Geto Boys, “Mind Playing Tricks on Me” (1991)
House of Pain, “Jump Around” (1992)
2Pac, “I Get Around” (1993)
DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, “Summertime” (1991)
Warren G and Nate Dogg, "Regulate" (1994)
Us3, "Cantaloop" (1994)

Here's how I'd rank my top 5 (subject to change every minute or so):

5. Snoop Dogg, "Doggystyle"
4. Notorious B.I.G., "Ready to Die"
3. Nas, "Illmatic"
2. Wu Tang Clan, "Enter the Wu Tang"
1. De La Soul, "De La Soul Is Dead"

The Social Skills Series: Fashionably Late

2010-06-10T13:38:00.003-04:00

I do not have social skills. As such, there are some social conventions that are beyond my grasp. I thought about writing one post about this, but then it turned out that there were a bunch of things I wanted to talk about, so I'm going to make a series of posts about this over some unspecified amount of time ranging from 2 weeks to forever. Probably closer to forever.

One thing that I genuinely do not understand is the thing where you say that your party/dinner/social event starts at X o'clock and it's tacitly understood to mean that the event really starts at X+2 o'clock. (It's that thing of where midgets with dreadlocks lie on the floor and make a rug.) This fact, in conjunction with the fact that I have a thing about being on time for everything, has led to my sitting alone with the hosts of various events for upward of an hour between the time he invited everyone and the time that everyone else started to show up.

Is it ghetto style of me to actually show up on time for things? Am I pissing people off without realizing it when they actually expected to have more time to get ready for their event even though my arrival was within the predetermined parameters? I'm unclear on all of these issues. I'm not concerned about being cool, so if that's the only consideration, then we'll just leave that out.

I have nothing to add to this

2010-06-07T15:40:00.001-04:00

Fuck Me In The Goat Ass With A Goat Dick.

2010-06-03T09:49:00.003-04:00

If you don't get the reference in the title, then I apologize for the vulgarity.

It is widely accepted in baseball that some calls are just accepted despite their incorrectness. Double plays where the shortstop never touches the bag. Caught stealings because the throw beat the runner even if the tag didn't. AND ALSO CLOSE PLAYS AT FIRST BASE WITH 8 AND 2/3 OF A PERFECT GAME GOING. I don't care if the guy was safe by half a step. You have got to call that guy out in that situation no matter what. Now the guy was clearly out, but for me, that's almost the secondary issue. Why in the world was the umpire even prepared to call him safe? I honestly had trouble sleeping last night because of this call. I was enraged at the audacity of this umpire to the extent that I was like tossing and turning.

Return of His Shortness

2010-06-02T07:54:00.004-04:00

I swear to goodness this happened this morning. I was listening to WFAN this morning circa 5:30 and Tony Paige says, "Ok, well here is a surprise for all of us. For the first time in a long time, here's Short Al."

As BPG pointed out about a year ago, Short Al has been on hiatus from WFAN because his daughter won't let him use the phone or some such thing. This morning he gets on and he's like, "Yeah, Tony, I'm staying at my son's house for a few days and I figured I'd call. Going back to my daughter's tomorrow. I just didn't want everyone to think I wasn't around any more." And then he proceeded to talk about boxing and the Mets and some other random things. It made my day before I even got out of bed.

King James Approximately

2010-06-01T23:21:00.006-04:00

An Open Letter To Lebron James

Dear Lebron,

Sometime around the beginning of July you're going to decide on where to spend your basketball prime.

As someone who didn't go to college and, therefore, didn't get to go through the recruiting process you've been pretty openly looking forward to your summer of felation.

When we used to have a pro-basketball team in New York, I was a big fan and you're probably the only thing that could bring me back into the fold. I definitely want you to come to New York and I will cheer along as Donnie Walsh and Mike D'Antoni and whoever else kiss the royal behind.

Now, having said all that, I hope you don't mind me giving you some advice.

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Seriously.

You've been openly saying how much fun the summer is going to be. Flirting with New York. Saying Cleveland "has an edge". Talking about how you and all the free agents are going to strategize how to "make the league better". You even rocked a Yankees cap at a Indians-Yankees game. Don't tell me you didn't know everyone in Cleveland wasn't reading into that.

How about you shut the fuck up and get your dick sucked behind closed doors like a grown up?

You're teasing Cleveland and everyone else. You know what that makes you? It makes you a ho, Lebron. Yes it does.

And you know what? You haven't really done all that much yet. Of course for anyone else you've had a hell of a career. But you're not anyone else. If you don't win multiple championships, you're going to be seen as a failure. You showed no balls this post-season, so let's get off that high horse. You have a lot to prove if you're going to go down as a top five all time great. And with your talent, size, charisma and hype, anything short of that will make you a disappointment.

So let's be real here, you basically have three choices: Cleveland, Chicago & New York.

Cleveland sucks. It sucks as a place and the team sucks. Let's face it, you're not staying there. Especially after Delonte West banged your mom.

So your choices are either Chicago or New York.

Chicago has got the better team right now. Derek Rose is an excellent point guard, Joakim Noah is a good big man. Good talent base.

New York, is, well New York. Yeah they're a minor league team but they do have cap space and if you come it will make the Knicks a very attractive free agent destination. And if you win two or three championships in New York you can own the greatest city in the world forever. We're talking Mickey Mantle level idolatry here.

Maybe you go to a Miami or even Brooklyn but I doubt it.

In any case, enjoy the wining. Enjoy the dining. Hell, enjoy the cheerleader filled orgies I'm sure these teams have lined up for you. But, please, for your own sake. Stop being such a tease.

Sincerely,

The Notorious LJT

Thursday Classic Video: Open Bar as a Young Child

2010-05-27T14:17:00.005-04:00

The Daily News picked up this story out of Sumatra. Another link to the story here. As a new parent, this is actually encouraging, because it is now officially impossible for me to be the worst dad of all time. Or maybe this was just one of those things where dad finds son smoking, makes son smoke entire pack to teach him a lesson, and it totally backfires. I don't know.

Hey Open Bar . . . jealous much?

Said the proud papa of terrible two-year old tobacco toker Ardi Rizal: "He looks pretty healthy to me. I don't see the problem."

Amen.

After publishing this I realized it would make a great installment in our Real Men of Genius series, so here goes:

Sung: real men of genius.

Spoken: we salute you, Mr. letting-your-toddler-smoke-two-packs-a-day, guy. When you heard that adults who smoke two packs a day can die of cancer in their 50s and even their 40s, you had the courage to ask why your son should have to wait that long.

Sung: can I bum a smoke, dad?

Spoken: you understand that when your kids want to start smoking cigarettes, there's just no way to stop them. Even if they're two.

Sung: (inaudible, then coughing)

Spoken: and so here's to you, oh professor of parenting prowess and perpetual puffing: your wife, the government, international media outlets, and the most basic notions of common sense may say your wrong, but -- cough -- you said "fuck 'em, son, let's have another."

Sung: Mr. letting-your-toddler-smoke-two-packs-a-day, guy

Awesome Music Week: The Shins

2010-05-25T08:43:00.002-04:00

I've decided that Awesome Music Week will now last indefinitely. As such, this will be the last time I justify squeezing a band into awesome music week even though it ended like a year ago.

Most interesting part about this post: My suspicion is that, despite his uppity musical tastes, I really feel like LJT would like this album. That should be enough of a review, but, inexplicably, I'll keep typing.

The third album from The Shins, Wincing the Night Away, is awesome. Their first two albums are also very good, but, right at this moment, Wincing has hit me in the sweet spot. The thing about the sound of this album is that it's poppy and catchy and melodic while at the same time having a drama and maturity about it. Ok, I'm officially a pretentious douchebag for using the word maturity to describe a band, but that's the best I can come up with at the moment. The thing about this is that it sortof takes a pop type formula but turns it on its head.

I'm really having trouble putting this sound into words, so I apologize. It's a bit like if a band from the 80s evolved from a fluffy new wave type thing into a band who learns to play their instruments and use other sounds. The mellow vibe of this album really lets it stand on its own without the sense that the band is trying too hard. It's slickly produced, but not overproduced.

I'm guessing that I'm the only who has the album by The Script, but you may have heard their song Breakeven on the radio, if you still do the radio thing. The Script album is really good, but what you notice most about it is how polished it is, in particular for a debut album. Again, while it is a good album, they were trying too hard. This album by the Shins is just as polished, but with a deftness that reflects the actual level that the band is on.

I had trouble picking just two songs to represent this album, but I think these two do it well.

This song is called Sea Legs. Good example of the melodic thing mixing with the drama thing.

This one is called Split Needles.

I'm Starting To Get, Wait For It, Frustrated

2010-05-24T21:19:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I just watched the season finale of How I Met Your Mother. This was the 5th season. We have yet to meet the mother. At the end of the 4th season finale there was a scene where Ted was teaching a class and said something to the effect of, "as you know kids, your mother was in that class." And then the whole following season, no freaking mother. There was an episode this year, one episode, where Ted dates this girl who is the mother's roommate. But he never meets the mother. And they never mentioned it again.

I'm not gonna say that this is at Lost levels of frustration, but I am officially disappointed with How I Met Your Mother. We must meet the mother. We must. You guys have already used a lot of the cute couple material on Lily and Marshall, so I know you can do it. There's a whole relationship between meeting, dating, engaging, marrying, and so forth that is ready to be explored. Please, season 6, let's meet the mother. Thank you.

Reflections on the Finale

2010-05-24T14:45:00.009-04:00

I really, really enjoyed the final episode of Lost last night. In many respects, it was perfect. In a few respects, it was a little weak. I have tried to organize my thoughts into coherent prose, but I am not sure whether or not I succeeded. Here are my observations on what I liked, what I thought was weak, and my lingering questions. Note: I read about six or seven reviews of the finale before writing this. I have given credit to any ideas I have borrowed, but I did not link to the specific review, because I did not keep track of which ideas I took from each review while reading (and it was too much of a hassle to go back and do it after writing this). But where I am tossing out someone else's theory, I have indicated as much.

Thoughts and Observations -- here is what I liked about the finale.

Jack vs. John

Mrs. Side Bar and I watched the season premieres and finales of Seasons 1 and 2 yesterday before watching the series finale. It was a clear reminder that the battle between Jack and Locke, even though it was ultimately not-Locke, had been brewing from the very start. Last night's finale did not disappoint in bringing this conflict to its climax and resolution. First, the actual scenes between them were excellently done (if somewhat murkily explained, see below). The two of them peering down into the glowy cave - an obvious reference to the two of them looking down into the hatch (so obvious that smokey even jokes about it) - was awesome. And the actual physical battle between them - with Jack leaping off of the cliff to attack John - was legitimately exciting. (Side note: as one critic pointed out, the commercials got a little tedious last night, but they did add to the drama. The best example of that was Jack leaping off the cliff to attack Locke, only to be suspended there by a commercial break - a literal "cliffhanger"!!! (not my line)). Coupled with the nice juxtaposition to their relationship in the flash-sideways, where they are trying to save, not destroy, one another, and I just do not see anything left on the table between these two characters.

Jack = Jesus

Some people may not have found the overt references to Christianity/religion too interesting or moving, but I liked them (particularly because the show had a sense of humor about itself (as it did throughout this episode). "Christian Shepherd"? Kate asks, incredulously. Yeah, right). And for anyone who was left wondering, the show pretty much came out and told us that Jack was a Christ-figure. This was not an altogether shocking revelation, but they made sure we got it last night. The chalice, from which he takes a ritual sip, and then teaches his disciple to do the same. The cut in his side, just before he is crucified so others can live. His reunion with his father after he has died (not to mention his trip through hell and purgatory to get there). Mrs. Side Bar also made a passing comment yesterday about Locke, Jack and Desmond being Father, Son and Holy Ghost, respectively. And that was before last night's episode, when the three of them enter the glowy cave together. A holy trinity indeed.

The Island Story

Notwithstanding one of my mild complaints/criticisms below, I think the show did an excellent job of telling the story of the Island. From "Across the Sea" we know that the Island must be protected, and that Allison Janney, then Jacob, then Jack will protect it. Last night, Jack surrendered that responsibility to Hurley, who enlists Ben to help him (in a Richard-like role). Some of us spoke earlier about wanting to know what was different about this cycle; why was this story being told, rather than the one of Allison Janney, or Jacob, etc. But I am not sure we need to know that. When Hurley remarks that no one can leave the Island, Ben says "maybe there is another way." In response to our question, then, maybe the answer is that each cycle is unique, or special, because of the person in charge. Either way, we know that Hurley and Ben remained on the Island as its protectors for a while, because they each compliment each other on the job that they did as "number one" or "number two" in the final scene. In fact, since Hurley was the one largely responsible for the other characters' awakenings in the flash-sideways, you could even wonder (as one critic has) whether the "other way" that Ben spoke about was this gathering: a "gift" from Jacob/Hurley/the Island to its one-time inhabitants. But maybe that's a stretch.

The Flash Sideways

I was equivocal about the flash sideways all season until last night, when we finally understood what it was. And then I loved it. I think the best way to look at the flash sideways is as the self-contained plot for this season. When you think about it, each season of Lost had a duality to it: it contributed to the overall arc of the show, but also had a self-contained plot (btw - "character arc," and "the show's arc" and all this other "arc" stuff has been just abused by everyone discussing and wring about Lost, but whatever). Season 2 told the story of the Hatch, Season 4 was about the Freighter and the Oceanic Six, Season 5 was about time travel and the Dharma Initiative, etc. Season Six was about the flash-sideways: a self-contained story about how each of the passengers' lives might have turned out, but didn't, and how they became aware of the fact that their lives had ended The shocker at the end of Season 3 was that we were seeing Jack in the future, not in the past. The shocker at the end of Season 6, as he appears to stand over his father's empty coffin, is that we weren't really seeing Jack at all. Brilliant.

The Awakenings/Enlightenments

The highlight of last night - and the reason that the episode will go down for me with "The Constant" as one of the best ever - were the moments when each character became aware of where they were, and who they had been. And, to the show's great credit, it wasn't the "wake me with true love's kiss" bullshit, it was more intimate, more simple moments. Sun and Jin seeing their daughter on the sonogram; John wiggling his toes just as he had done in the pilot; Claire and Kate delivering Aaron; Charlie seeing Claire and Aaron; Jack placing his hand on his father's coffin (I left out the Sayid/Shannon moment because it did not really work for me, but whatever). And, in what might have been the most powerful scene of the whole episode, Sawyer and Juliet finding each other again in the hospital. These scenes were really beautiful, legitimately moving, and -- for the most part -- not sappy or campy. Mrs. Side Bar was a puddle by the end, but the rest of us may have gotten a little misty-eyed, too. And, as a bonus, these scenes even allowed the producers make this a little bit of a clip show in a way that was not at all boring or lazy.

Jack and the Arc of the Show - the Last Scene

It may have been predictable, but the bookends of this show - starting with Jack's eyes opening in the first scene of "The Pilot," and closing in the last scene of "The End," were marvelous. After all that we had seen on the island, it felt incredibly cathartic and appropriate to close the circuit as neatly as they did. Even if they had no firm idea of what the large middle would look like, the creators of Lost plainly know where they were heading with Jack from the very start. The last scene of the show, cutting back and forth between Jack's death on the island and his awakening in the church before moving on to whatever lies next is stunning. And, as always, the music on this show took a good scene with good acting and elevated it to something almost breathtaking. I really, really encourage you guys to go back and watch that scene again; start it when Jack walks in to the rear of the church, then run it to the end. It is extraordinary.

Weak Points -- A couple of thoughts on places where I thought the episode missed a step.

The Glowy Cave

The show basically wants us to accept that the cork in the cave was holding down some evil, and when Desmond removed the cork, the evil got out for a second. Then Jack corked it back up. But what was really going on here? Jack's "plan" - if you could even call it that - seemed pretty instinctual and not altogether well thought-out. Likewise Smokey, who has had thousands of years to figure this shit out, only to be completely and utterly wrong about the impact of removing the cork. I will buy the mysticism to a point, but I thought that if this whole piece was not going to be explained more, it could at least have been developed a bit more so that we could try to explain it for ourselves.

Ben's Accident

Maybe I am being nitpicky here, but Ben was pinned by a tree, announced that Locke had a boat, and then was not pinned by a tree anymore. If the show was going to put us through the utterly pointless exercise of seeing Ben pinned under a tree (from which he could not escape but suffered no injuries whatsoever) I think it is fair to show us how he gets out. Not a big deal, but just a pointless thread to leave hanging.

Open Plotlines

I am not going to be one of these people who finds every little open question that remained unanswered and then complains about it, but there were some significant questions that were asked and then not addressed. Walt was a hugely important character in Season 1, but that importance was never explained (or, to borrow from my point above, developed so that we could try to explain it). Likewise the numbers (which Open Bar and Chuck have addressed already). Dogan and the Temple was a very weak open to Season 6, so maybe it is better that they left it alone. And if you think back to Season 1 and Season 2, there was much importance to who the Others were taking and why. Remember the two kids that got kidnapped and the lived with the Others? WTF? As Chuck correctly pointed out, I didn't ask these questions, the show did. So give me something to work with in resolving these questions. But having said that, it was clear once we got to the last episode that these important-but-not-paramount plots were not getting answered in the finale. So maybe this is a more of a critique of Season 6 generally, not last night's episode in particular.

Claire's Story and Return Home

I had a difficult time feeling anything other than indifference to Claire when she was, at first, refusing to leave the Island, but then ultimately agreed to go with Kate. One critic I read this morning proposed a "My Two Mommies" Aaron-based sitcom spin off. The silliness attending Claire's storyline this whole season, to me, suggests that it could have been done better, or not at all.

Questions -- for discussion (other than the first, I don't think these are questions that could be/should be answered; rather, they are just my thoughts today):

What was with the shots of the plane crash at the very end with no people around? Was this meant to suggest that everyone died in the crash? I really do not think so, but why was that shown to us? I found it odd and I insist it was shown for a reason.

Why did some people make it into the church and not others? Some passengers from 815 were missing, other were there. And some people who were not on 815 were there, too (Penny). If this was Jack's farewell, were these the people most important to Jack? I might like that explanation.

Why didn't Ben go into the church? Does he get to stay in the sideways world with Danielle and Alex? That would be sort of cute and nice, but I don't think it would be consistent with how we are supposed to think of the sideways world.

What did Eloise Hawkins know when she asked Desmond if Daniel was going to leave? Like Desmond, she has always had a heightened consciousness of shifting realities; did she understand exactly what was happening?

How long did Hurley and Ben protect the Island? Was there a hint when Christian told Jack that some of the people in the room died "long after" he did?

Thoughts on Lost Finale Without Having Discussed it With Anyone

2010-05-24T07:21:00.004-04:00

Please feel free to post on top of this post as soon as you want to. I haven't really put too much thought into this. I liked the finale. I'll say that first because immediately after thinking that I liked it, these thoughts came into my mind.

You know, I never thought to take the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 and put them together for no reason. That string of numbers meant absolutely nothing to me until you guys spent like two seasons going on about how they were all important. If they really weren't all that important, then you shouldn't have brought it up in the first place.

Now, they did answer this question, albeit not actually on the show. Something about the numbers being the roots of the Valenzetti equation, which describes the end of humanity, and the purpose of the Dharma Initiative being to change the roots of that equation. They were unsuccessful, by the way. The whole plot line with the Dharma Initiative was essentially dealt with online and never really on the show. I have to do like extra credit work in order to understand the story you're trying to tell me.

I feel like they got in over their heads with the whole island thing. After the first episode we knew that there was an island that had a bunch of mysterious properties. After the 120-something episode run of the show we don't know all that much more about it. Something to do with electromagnetism relating to a light. I don't know how or why it's there. And not for nothing, but there wasn't a smoke monster trying to escape the island until Jacob created it. Why would it have been bad if Jacob's brother had left the island? In particular before he turned into the smoke dude. And it's all "How do you know that when you hook up that wheel and then run the water into the light that it's going to work?" and then the answer is, "Because I'm special, mother." So if Jack didn't put the cork back in, the island would have definitely been destroyed, but would that also have meant that the whole world would be destroyed? I didn't get that sense from the MIB when he talked about leaving. Although if it wouldn't have destroyed the world, then they should have just left it out.

Given that they never really told us anything about the island, what would have made for a really interesting show would have been to explore the roots of the Dharma Initiative, the Valenzetti equation, how they found the island in the first place, the efforts to change the factors, their ultimate failure, and the consequences of that failure. That story in conjunction with the Others already being there and serving some alternate and opposing function on the island were the most interesting story lines.

If my job was to protect the fate of the world and then I was hiring my replacement, I would be sure to explain the whole job to him. There's not really room for on the job training.

I figured it out, I think. Jacob had Asperger's syndrome. If that motherfucker had any social skills whatsoever, all of this would have been avoided. All he needed to do was explain himself clearly to one person at one point. Richard, maybe. Or Ben. Widmore. Jack.

So going into the light would be worse than death, and turned Jacob's brother into the smoke dude, but Jack just died. Desmond was special, fine, but Jack?

Ben, really? Out like a lamb.

So is Claire not evil? And who the fuck was that Japanese dude talking about evil people? Sayid wasn't all that evil at the end of the day, either. Again, why even bring that up? Looking back, when Ben said to Michael that the Others were the good guys, I guess he was right, but they clearly didn't know what they were doing.

I feel like the flash sideways was really successful. The dead thing was interesting. If it had been an alternate timeline after the bomb blowing up, I think that would have been interesting, too. In fact, there would probably more material to explore in that scenario, but given the show's capacity for doing too little with too big a story, I'm happy with this one. It's not like Michael was the only one who killed some people. Why doesn't he get to go to the party? It's because he's black, probably.

I feel like when they first conceived of the show they wanted the island to be purgatory and everyone would get their own personal reckoning at some point. But when all the fans guessed that the island was purgatory and they were like, "No, that's not it," then they had to come up with a new plan. But the in the end they came back to that with the flash sideways.

I don't need you to spoonfeed me, but if you're gonna open this can of worms, at least give me a lid so I can contain them once I get them back together. You raised all these questions, not me. What are you, Socrates now? At the moment, from my perspective, the island serves absolutely no function. Everything would be much simpler if it just wasn't there, Occam's razor style. I could be wrong, but I don't get the feeling that all the pieces of the puzzle are on the table. After a bit of perspective you realize that The Sopranos did give you what you were looking for, you just didn't realize it. When you take a step back from it, Pulp Fiction turns from a phrenetic mess into a fascinating tableau. I don't get that from Lost. Again, I don't have that perspective, but I don't see where the explanations are coming from. They seemed to go out of their way to not explain things.

I do think this is one of the better shows on television in the last little while, but that, I think, comes with a certain responsibility to live up to that. At the end of the day the arc of the show for me was this: Season 1, awesome; Season 2, good; Season 3 and 4, awful; Season 5, really good; Season 6, averaged to good, but with a huge standard deviation ranging from bad to amazing; Finale, about what I expected. I'll have more to say about this, most likely.

Lost's finale approaches

2010-05-21T15:59:00.006-04:00

A by-no-means-comprehensive list of things I want from Sunday's finale:

1. The Glowy Light doesn’t matter.

Okay, so that's more like a guess of what's gonna happen, but it's like this: Much like Jacob’s answer to Kate when she asked why her name was crossed off, the whole Magic Glowy Light thing shouldn't be some all-controlling metaphysical force to which everyone and everything must submit. I'm hoping that now that Jack is Island Guardian, he'll be all "Fuck this stupid Light. I'm running shit now." And then the characters themselves will take control of their futures, ideally breaking the awful cycle that's existed on the Island for so long. That would be a good reason for telling us this particular story over the past six years. If everything just goes on like it always has, then why the hell did we just watch all this?

If that happens, that seems like it would be a good way to start merging the two timelines. I have no idea how that would work, but I have to think that dealing with the Light will be involved.

2. A shot of Locke becoming Smokey. Please show the smoke emerging from his mouth and then his body fading into the smoke. Bad. Ass.

3. To find out how Jacob leaves the island. Right now we know that you can take a sub, a plane, a boat, or pull the Frozen Wheel Thing and end up in Tunisia. Somehow, I think Jacob had a different way.

4. Ben to play a big role. Preferably by outsmarting and then killing Smokey.

5. Richard needs to return and demonstrate how important he is (like Ilana said). On Tuesday, Smokey kicked the shit out of him, but if he’s dead, that would be super-wack. “Ab Aeterno,” the Richard episode from a few weeks ago, was IMO the strongest episode of the season – due greatly to the staggeringly good performance by Nestor Carbonelli (sweet name, brah). The character deserves a proper sendoff, one in which he plays a consequential role in the final outcome.

Things I’m curious about, but don’t insist that the show address:

1. Why can’t Smokey go over water?

2. How did DHARMA find the island? Were they brought there by Jacob?

3. Is there a reason so much electromagnetism is concentrated on the Island?

4. Is there anything else we need to know about The Numbers, or are they just numbers?

Whatever happens, I'm sure we'll have lots more to discuss. Doesn't that please you, LJT?

More thoughts on 'Lost' because LJT doesn't watch it and screw him, he can write his own post if he's bored

2010-05-19T13:25:00.008-04:00

I just found this list of questions I had about “Lost” that I wrote down prior to the start of season 5. That was back in my “Either this show answers some of my goddamn questions or it can go fuck itself” period. “Lost,” of course did not answer any of these at that time, so we had to break up. But we’re back together now, now that the show realized it was wrong and apologized and told me it was lucky ever to have me in the first place and besides it can’t hear that “Milkshake” song without thinking of me (it was our song back in ’04). Anyway, here's what I was wondering last winter:

What is the hell is the Black Smoke Monster? (not surprising that was at the top)
How did Ben “move the Island”?
What are the Whispers?
How did the Black Rock get there? What is it?
What was the goal of the DHARMA Initiative?
How do the Island’s healing powers work? (a la Locke, Rose)
What’s the deal with the pregnancy issues?
Why do the Oceanic 6 need to go back to the Island?
Who is Ben? What’s his deal?
What’s with all this seeing-dead-people stuff?
What are The Numbers?
How come Richard doesn’t age?
How can Desmond see the future?
What’s with this time-traveling stuff?
What is the source of the Island’s electromagnetic power?
How does Widmore know about the Island?
Who is the black guy from “The Wire”?
What is the four-toed statue?
Where’s Claire?

1, 3, 4, 10, 12, 16, 17, and 19 all got pretty clear answers, or were addressed enough so that we now have enough information to form valid interpretations or guesses. As I said after "Across the Sea," it's not the writers' job to fill in the whole circle -- just enough so that we can fill in the rest on our own.

For example, number 7 (the pregnancies) hasn't been directly confronted, at least not in the way that the Whispers was. However, after seeing what Mother (Alison Janney) did to Claudia after delivering the twins last week, my guess is that the Island has basically "cursed" childbirth. Not entirely, as we would later see Claire give birth on the Island, but it does offer an explanation as to why no woman who conceived on the Island could carry her pregnancy to term: The Island would not allow it. Of course, even if you do conceive off-Island, while you can still give birth there, your child will be kidnapped (Claire, Rousseau) or orphaned (Claudia, Sun). Or, worse, grow up to look like this guy.

(Okay, so partway through typing that stuff, I checked this out and realized that the whole pregnancy thing is a bit murkier than I thought. But anyway, moving right along…)

Most of the rest of them have since been further explored, if not fully answered (no. 5, 8, 9, 10, 14), or can simply be chalked up to the Island’s Weird Powers and Stuff (no. 6, 13, 15). No. 18 is Taweret, the goddess of childbirth and fertility, natch.

That leaves just two. As for no. 11, I’ve come to think that The Numbers are really just numbers. And I’m fine with that. It was Hurley who made the numbers The Numbers.

And lastly, no. 2: How did Ben “move the Island”?

Who gives a fuck. That’s probably the dumbest thing that ever happened on “Lost” -- including spending entire episodes on Jack's stupid tattoos and Hurley getting that van to work because Cheech was mean to him -- so if everyone just ignores it and pretends it never happened, that’s probably best.

Anyway, I've got some more "Lost" stuff coming up, but I figured we should kick off the conversation.

Here's one thing from last night -- it was minor, but I really thought one of the best parts of last night's episode was sideways-world Ben's reaction after Danielle told him how much he meant to Alex. It was, I dunno, really sweet and touching. And a great counterweight to the return of the utterly ruthless Ben in the Island world. I can't help but think that if anyone can outsmart Smokey, it's Benjamin Linus. With apologies to the Desmond-philes out there, I really think Ben's gonna go down as the best character on "Lost." We'll soon see what his fate is, but I for one sure am glad he managed to stick around for longer than the producers' original three-episode plan for him.

Awesome Music Week: Ra Ra Riot

2010-05-18T12:52:00.007-04:00

I guess it's not really awesome music week anymore, but I'll bring it back for these guys. Speaking of Awesome Music Week, the reason I did that was because of three bands in particular, The Ting Tings, Glasvegas, and Phoenix. Out of those three I must say the one that has really stuck with me is Phoenix. Their most recent album Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix is just great. If you don't have it yet, then get it.

Anyhow, this band Ra Ra Riot is fucking dope. Tons of energy, catchy, poppy, violin filled, indie style rock band from Syracuse, NY. Remember when indie bands were called alternative? Why can't they just be called rock bands? I can't get enough of this album at this point in time. A lot of the reviews of this band compare them with Vampire Weekend, who I have spent a couple posts on in the past, including one during awesome music week, but I don't really get that. Ra Ra Riot is way more like Phoenix and they actually remind me a little bit of Keane. Dude, if you don't have the first Keane album, Hopes and Fears, then you need to go out and get that one, too. You really don't even need to go out, just download it.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for violins in rock music. I'm pretty sure the violin thing is what initially drew me to the Dave Matthews Band. I didn't realize until just recently that a lot of people associate me with DMB more strongly than they associate me with anything else. I think that's kindof interesting. In particular since I feel like I've personally sortof outgrown them. That's not to say that I don't still love them, but they do not occupy the singular space in my life that they once did. This doesn't have anything to do with the current post.

In conclusion, Ra Ra Riot is awesome.

I like this song the best at this moment in time. It's called Too Too Too Fast. I dare you to listen to this chorus and not bop your head around.

This is a really interesting video for their song Dying Is Fine.

Blogging Is Awesome

2010-05-15T19:16:00.002-04:00

I got home from the dentist today at like 3pm. It's 7:17 right now and I've just spent the last 4 hours scrolling through the archives of this blog. I'm about to go watch the Mets game, lest I would keep digging through. Frankly, it may be a better idea that watching the game.

I just want to pull a Diesal and point out the moment right now. I'm really glad that we've spent the last 3 years writing this blog and I hope we continue to do so with at least a moderate amount of vigor. (I know at least the ending of Lost is good for a couple more posts.) It's entertaining in real time when we actually take the time to post and comment, but it's also incredibly entertaining to go back and read the archive from time to time. I've sat here smiling and sometimes LOLzing (I love actually using that term in print. I apologize.) for the past 4 hours without realizing that all this time has passed. It's just a great record of these past years. Thank you for being a friend.

Some observations. LJT definitely writes the best posts. Open Bar definitely has the best/funniest comments. Side Bar has the one-liners coming out of nowhere. And I suck. And big ups to Walt Clyde Frazier for being our most dedicated non-author reader.

Thursday Classic Video: Mariah Fail

2010-05-13T13:58:00.001-04:00

Can I buy a vowel?, 'cause O, my god.

And then there were two ... more "Lost" episodes, following last night's basket of kickass

2010-05-12T13:35:00.011-04:00

Interestingly, the grade I would assign last night’s “Lost” episode is the same as my answer would be if you asked me what I thought of it:

Fuck-ing A.

Finally, after six seasons of buildup and mystery-upon-mystery; after thrilling me with two of the best seasons of television I’ve ever seen; after frustrating me enough to force me to Will-to-Skylar-“I don’t love you”-style dump it; after its sweet song of “One last season,” I reluctantly returned; after countless utterings of “TELL ME WHAT THAT FUCKING SMOKE MONSTER IS ALREADY!” -- after all that, we got “Across the Sea.”

While the episode didn’t address every remaining question (nor could it, nor should it), it seems quite clear that “Lost”’s creators understood that it was about damn time to feed the starving viewers. And what we got weren’t scraps. We’re talking filet mignon. Exquisite endangered polar bear filet mignon. The best mignon.

There’s a great LA Times “Lost” blog, and in its recap of “Across the Sea,” it had this to say on the topic of Answering the Big Questions:

"To that end, as a "Lost" fan, the success of "Across the Sea" is almost wholly dependent on what happens in the three-and-a-half hours that will close out the season. The cave of softly glowing light? I suspect we'll get an explanation for that. What happened to the proto-Man in Black when he went down in there? I hope we'll get an explanation, but I fear the producers think "He became the Smoke Monster! Or something!" will suffice. Who was the Woman who raised the twins? How long has the Island been around? Where did any of these people come from to begin with? I fear that the producers think these questions have been adequately answered. I'm not going to say I need all of them answered to be satisfied with the ending -- I daresay the show could get away with answering none of them -- but by raising all of them at once this close to the end, "Lost" risks disorienting its audience even more than usual, particularly as we still don't have a terribly good idea of just what happens if the Man in Black gets off the Island beyond vague rumblings of doom."

I disagree with much of this. I need no further answers from the writers regarding the Glowy Cave, the origin of the Smoke Monster, who The Woman was, the age of the Island, or anything like that really. (Except for how Jacob learned to leave the Island.)

Contrary to what the writer says, it is those questions that I've spent years already wondering about (rather, DEMANDED ANSWERS TO!!!), and finally, I feel like my thirst has been quenched. After last night, we know these Big Things (though perhaps without 100 percent clarity, but come on -- it's incumbent upon the writers to fill in, say, 3/4 of the circle; it's our job to fill in the rest with our own imaginations and rolling discussions):

1. What is the Smoke Monster and how was it created? (ALWAYS my biggest question, since the pilot episode)
Smoky was “born” when Jacob, in a fit of vengeance after seeing his murdered mother, kicked the shit out of his brother and thrust him into the Cave, which we are told is “worse than dying.” My best guess is that the Brother’s soul or essence or whatever you want to call it was torn from his body, transformed into the Black Smoke, and imprisoned on the island -- forever prevented from that which he always wanted: to go home.

2. What makes this Island so special?
The Cave, which is “life, death, and rebirth.” In other words, it’s The Thing That Is Everything. We need no further specifics, but basically whatever metaphysical or supernatural explanation you want to use is fine, as long as it’s along the lines of the Cave being the Most Special Place in the World.

3. What the hell is going on in this freaking show?
Well, the basic gist, it appears, is that there’s this Cave on this Island with incredible powers and properties, and it has a Protector. The Protector has been at least two people whom we’ve met (The Woman and Jacob), plus The Woman’s mother, and presumably, one of the Oceanic 815 survivors, who will be the next Protector. From The Woman’s comment that “Every question you ask will only lead to more questions,” we can ascertain that this Protector cycle has been going on for a very long time, probably forever.

The Island, specifically Jacob, attracts people as a way of testing them -- to see if Jacob or his Brother is correct about the nature of man: Is he inherently good or evil? Once on the island, all the people there go through various and extreme trials in an attempt to reach a final answer to that question. Throughout, the Smoke Monster plays the villain, tormenting and even killing many of the Island’s visitors, while Jacob seeks an example to prove he is right about people -- a candidate, if you will. Thing is, it doesn’t seem like the Smoke Monster cares all that much about whether men are good or evil; he has made his choice: Men are “greedy, manipulative, untrustworthy, and selfish.” What he cares about is getting off the damn island, which is all he has ever cared about since his true mother visited him as a ghost when he was 13 and told him that “there are many things across the sea.”

I’m guessing that whoever winds up taking over for Jacob (I’m leaning toward Jack, the obvious choice, yes; though there could certainly be a surprise) will somehow change everything. Otherwise, what’s the point of the whole story we’ve been watching for six years? Why is this particular cycle worth telling so thoroughly? Maybe this will be the last cycle. Maybe the Protector job will end with Jack letting Smokey off the Island. I know we’ve been led to believe that TERRIBLE THINGS will happen if Smokey leaves, but seriously, how much damage could he possibly wreak off-Island? If your biggest weakness is water, then are you really that big a threat to a planet 70 percent covered by it? And from what we saw last night, Smokey’s goal of leaving the island was never to destroy; it was simply to go home.

Now, it’s possible that when Jacob condemned his brother by sending him into the Cave that the “good” side of the brother was killed, leaving nothing but evil and malevolence in the form of Black Smoke. And it’s also possible that the Cave, along with the Smoke thing, endowed this monster with other supernatural gifts. (He can also turn into ghosts, after all.)

And then there’s this, also from the LA Times thing:

“So what do we think happened to the MIB when he disappeared into the cave? Was some part of the Man in Black absorbed into the Monster, leaving the body behind? Or did his soul somehow co-mingle with the Life Force of the Island, meaning that, in a very real sense, he IS the Island, and if he were to leave, it really would mean the end of all things? The latter is my wife's interpretation, and I sorta think she's right. (Added evidence: The light in the cave goes out.)”

That sounds very convincing.

Anyhow, “Across the Sea” managed to accomplish two essential things: answer Big Questions, and perfectly set the table for the final three and a half hours. By learning what we did last night, we can all now devote our full attention to the fates of the characters we’ve been getting to know for so long. And that -- regardless of how awesome the Smoke Monster is or exactly what happens down in the Glowy Cave -- is what really matters on “Lost.”

UPDATE: Uh, spoiler alert?

Things That Are Overrated: The Stock Market

2010-05-06T16:15:00.005-04:00

So, Greece can't get their shit together and they have a financial crisis. Some other countries are trying to think of ways to help them out. All of a sudden, someone is concerned that there might not be an easy way to help them out. Therefore, the stock market in America plunges. The Dow Jones Average dipped by a billion points or something today based on the fact that there was nothing that happened in Europe.

This stock market thing is a fucking sham. Some freaking scrote didn't have anything better to do with his time when he thought up this one. We'll raise a bunch of capital by selling shares of our company to the public and then once we do that, anyone with a few bucks in their pocket can go and buy that piece from the other gie and then he owns a little piece of the company. That one little piece of the company is essentially worthless save for the fact that it's value is constantly changing and maybe this gie can unload it for more than he got it for at some point in the future.

And then all of the stock prices are interrelated in some sort of Adam Smith invisible hand wet dream for absolutely no reason whatsoever. There isn't anyone on Earth who knows how this thing actually works. The fact that Jim Cramer is considered an expert on anything other than his own masturbatory habits is just downright disconcerting, but this is the guy that people look to for advice on this sort of thing. The notion that the entire market should cycle up and down when it represents companies that do entirely different things is just dumb. The whole "times are tough" thing is just a vague notion that no one really understands.

You can step in if you like with some sort of macro argument and the entity that is known as the "national economy" or even moreso today the "global economy", but all of that just doesn't sit with me. The whole notion is nebulous, and is, by it's very nature, indecipherable by anyone. The fact that people take this shit so seriously in conjunction with the fact that people can't see shit coming with any clarity whatsoever is just proof that this is a system that somehow everyone just got suckered into.

I'm happy to accept the idea of a stock market as a single trading post to represent all of the companies that want to participate. It's essentially a farmers' market for shares of companies. I am unwilling to accept the notion that the entire market in aggregate represents the state of things in the world. The few people who are privy to a more objective view of the market don't try to improve the state of business or the world, instead they try to exploit its weak points before anyone realizes what they've done.

In my opinion the stock market is proof of the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. The more we observe the state of the market, the less accurate is our knowledge of the market in what would otherwise be its natural state. We are bombarding the market with metaphorical photons and not allowing it simply be the electron that it wants to be.

MVP! MVP! Fare Thee Well, Old Friend

2010-04-30T07:59:00.005-04:00

We at Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Luke would be remiss to let this day pass withough acknowledging the retirement of the New York Football Giants most consistent player of the last 7 years, Jeff Feagles. Referred to affectionately by real Giants fans (well, me and Diesal at least) as The Feag, he has been a staple in the Giants' special teams and, in all honesty, may be the best punter in the history of the game.

This guy is 44 years old, played in 352 consecutive games, and never missed a game in his 22 years in the league. He has a knack for pinning teams inside the 20 and he rarely let go a bad punt for the Giants. He was a great player and will be missed.

Of the Mets, Nicknames, and Beltran . . . . F*cking Beltran

2010-04-28T13:47:00.004-04:00

The following is an edited version of a discussion Open Bar and I had earlier today. As you can see, I am right and he is wrong. As usual.

Side Bar: god forgive me for saying this, but signing pedro after the all-star break could make a lot of sense for this team

Open Bar: not a bad idea; hell I'd trade Oliver Perez and John Maine right now for a bag of nails

Side Bar: it's too bad, because this is going to be a really good team 40% of the time (Santana and Prelf), a so-so team 20% of the time (Niese) and a shite team 40% of the time (Perez and Maine). If they could move the Perez or Maine spot out of the shite column and into the decent column, we'd have a shot at the playoffs.

Open Bar: and if my grandma had balls she'd be my grandpa; those two are just plain bad

Side Bar: yep

Open Bar: it's been the same shit for years, why should we expect anything different?

Side Bar: I was at the games last night -- Perez just totally stinks

Open Bar: painful to watch

Side Bar: And the problem with bumping Maine from the rotation in favor of Takahashi is that then you have 4 lefties in the rotation; that's trouble

Open Bar: I don't know about that

Side Bar: who, by the way, totally deserves to be starting on this team

Open Bar: it's quite clear he's better than those two shitheaps. I hate to bitch like this when we're doing well for once, but the future is staring us in the face. This team, as constructed, is not very good

Side Bar: other than 4 and 5 in the rotation, I disagree

Open Bar: Is Gary Matthews Jr. on the team?

Side Bar: bullpen is solid, just negligently overused (due, in equal parts, to Jerry Manuel and the fact that the starters can only go five innings at a time)

Open Bar: What about Frank Catalonotto?

Side Bar: ok, so you want to upgrade your role players a bit, fine, no argument from me, but that's on the fringes. The core of this team is very young and very good. Wright, Reyes, Davis, Frenchy (another walk yesterday!), Santana, Prelf . . . and then F Mart, Dillon Gee, etc.

Open Bar: the bullpen's OK, let's not get ahead of ourselves

Side Bar: they are overused; who is out there that you would replace the shitty bench players with?

Sheffield?

Open Bar: I would love to see Fernando (don't use FMart, please) and Tejada. And Josh Thole over your boy Blanco

Side Bar: you cannot bring up rookies unless you are going to play them every day; I think that is horrible for their development

Open Bar: ok, fair point

Side Bar: so yeah, if it's August and we are out of it, I agree 100%, bring up FMART and let Tejada get his feet wet at second base, but not before then.

I hope Beltran never puts on a Mets uniform again . . . I really cannot convey to you how much I hate that guy (though pagan has sucked it up lately).

Open Bar: I love how you hate our best player

Side Bar: how can he be our best player if he never plays; that is exactly why I hate him so much; he is soft; he is always hurt, and he puts himself ahead of the team; how can you possibly justify him having that surgery in January?

Open Bar: 2005: 151 games

2006: 140

2007: 144

2008: 161

Side Bar: 2009?

2010?

Open Bar: he got hurt last year, simple

Side Bar: also, why is 7 out of every 8 games impressive for "our best player"? Maybe if he had played 10 more games in 2007 they would have won the division, after all he is "our best player"

fuck him

I fucking hate him

Open Bar: 149 games a year average is more than 7 out of 8

Side Bar: but 140 out of 162 is not

Open Bar: everyone gets hurt from time to time

Side Bar: not me

Open Bar: what he shouldn't have done is come back last September for no reason; your "soft" player played even when he probably shouldn't have, which almost certainly led to his having to get surgery in Jan

Side Bar: He never wanted to come here, and it shows. I get the sabremetrics thing, I do. The Mets need to a better job of brining in guys on numbers, and not because Omar thinks "he's a solid guy."

But you can't completely discount personality, chemistry, and intangibles, either.

Open Bar: LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT GOES ON IN THE CLUBHOUSE

Side Bar: Beltran has no heart. He is a paycheck player.

Open Bar: proof? evidence of any kind?

Side Bar: My observations as a fan. I watch virtually every Mets game.

Open Bar: Do you also read his psychological reports?

Side Bar: Of course I cannot get inside his head, but I can compare his style, his demeanor, his quotes, and his attitude with what I observe of every other player.

Open Bar: Look, I hate his mole too

Side Bar: I can see him stealing third base when there is no reason whatsoever to do it.

Open Bar: I think you're being a bit unfair here

Side Bar: I can see him never, ever, ever get frustrated when he strikes out in a big spot, and I can compare that with the anguish on DW's face when he strikes out with men on base. I can see him talk shit about the fans, and refuse to take a curtain call until Julio Franco practically drags him out of the dugout to do it. I can see all the little things that he does and does not do, compare them to other players, and make a semi-informed judgment.

Open Bar: and I can see him gracefully patrol center field like no Met ever

Side Bar: fine; but I still hate him

Open Bar: I just don't know if all those subjective observations add up to enough to discount his objective performance

Side Bar: the fans love Reyes; LOVE him

why is that?

why do fans let Reyes off the hook for every mistake, but boo Beltran if he doubles instead of triples?

Because they are sheep? Yeah, sort of.

Open Bar: because he smiles a lot and has all those handshakes

Side Bar: But also because it is beyond question that he wants to play for the Mets, and is devastated when he cannot do it

Open Bar: and speaking of injury-prone

Side Bar: EXACTLY; that's the point

I see no evidence that Beltran wants anything out of the game than a paycheck, and it makes me crazy.

With Reyes, Santana, Wright, I see so much more, and that I why I fucking love those guys, and I will never give them shit when they struggle.

Open Bar: I understand what you're saying

Side Bar: Fine, Beltran is an incredibly talented player.

But the Yankees have proven that alone is not enough.

Open Bar: I guess I'm just not as personally offended by Beltran's demeanor

Side Bar: God damnit. Now you have me all worked up

I fucking hate him

Open Bar: when he comes back, the Mets will be a better team and win more games

if I want a more personal connection to a player, I have wright and Reyes

Side Bar: I never said he wasn't better than Pagan . . . I just do not like him.*

*Editor's Note: Between having this conversation and posting it, Angel Pagan has hit a two-run triple. Thus confirming without further need for debate or evidence of any kind that I am right.

I've always said the 2010 Mets were World Series-bound

2010-04-28T10:59:00.010-04:00

Following yesterday's doubleheader sweep of the Dodgers, the New York Mets find themselves in ... first place?

EAST W L PCT GB HOME ROAD RS RA DIFF STRK L10
NY Mets 12 9 .571 - 10-5 2-4 89 69 +20 Won 6 8-2
Philadelphia 11 9 .550 .5 3-3 8-6 107 84 +23 Lost 3 3-7
Florida 11 10 .524 1 5-4 6-6 102 97 +5 Lost 1 5-5
Washington 11 10 .524 1 7-6 4-4 90 105 -15 Won 1 5-5
Atlanta 8 12 .400 3.5 5-4 3-8 77 85 -8 Lost 7 2-8

What? How?

Easy answer: The Mets fucking rule shit and Phillies fans can all die in an earthquake.

Real answer: Thanks largely to some effective (and quite lucky) starting pitching lately, the National League team in NYC that actually pays Gary Matthews Jr. in exchange for baseball services has racked up eight wins in their last nine games, with a sweep of the Pope-defending Braves in the middle. Johan and Big Pelf have led the way, giving up one whole run between them in their last 46 innings.

This, obviously, cannot stand.

While 6 innings, 0 runs looks good in a box score, if you watched yesterday's game you know Johan wasn't really that great. It took him 115 pitches to get through those 6 innings against a miserable, Manny-less Dodgers offense. It took him 9 pitches to retire the opposing pitcher at one point. And what's up with this middling 89-90 mph fastball? Anyone who thinks that pitch is still gonna be gettin' fools out in August is plain dumb.

But the pitching overall has been pretty fantastic, with one major flaw. Here's how the Mets rank in several pitching categories:

ERA: 3.11 -- 3rd
runs allowed: 69 -- 3rd
HR allowed: 11 -- 2nd
strikeouts: 170 -- 1st
walks: 106 -- 16th (out of 16)

Anything in particular jump out at you there?

Last night, for example, was some vintage Oliver Fucking Perez: more walks than innings pitched. In the earlier game, Johan walked three guys in his 39-pitch second inning -- the kind of inning every Mets pitcher seems to have had at least once in every game for the last three years.

What is the deal with the Mets and walks? Every year it's the same damn problem. Last year, the team had the second-most walks; the year before, the third-most; the year before that, the fifth-most. Someone again remind me why Omar gave Ollie 3 years / $36 million?

Anyway, things are going well now, so sorry about the bitching.

Oh, and one more thing: Will all you jerkstores immediately cease this booing of David Wright? Mets fans can be so retarded sometimes, it's infuriating. And why in fuck-all do people chant "Yankees suck" at Citi Field? That's just embarrassing. All those people should go visit Philly on Earthquake Day.

(concluding paragraph)

Two Women I'm A Little Bit In Love With

2010-04-27T08:22:00.003-04:00

With apologies to my lovely wife, I feel like I'd like to put this out there. I don't feel too bad about this because, as I say, it's really that I'm only a little bit in love with them. Also I know that my wife is also in love with one or two people. In fact, if Paul Rudd were to come up to my wife and ask her to run away with him, not only would I understand, I would actually be happy for her because she loves him so much. So anyhow, here are the two women that I'm a little bit in love with.

First, Zooey Deschanel.

Second, Rashida Jones. Based on the first paragraph, you can see why my wife and I went to see I Love You, Man on opening weekend.

Old School Album of the Day: In The Aeroplane Over The Sea

2010-04-26T09:35:00.005-04:00

Now, I call this old school because the album was released in 1998. The truth is, however, I only heard it for the first time about 3 weeks ago. This band is called Neutral Milk Hotel and this album is called In The Aeroplane Over The Sea. I just want to say fuck you to everyone on Earth for not telling me about this album for the last 12 years. (This is especially true for Open Bar if he has heard of them before just now. I can't expect Side or LJT to keep me appraised of indie music happenings.) It's a little bit like how no one watched The Wire until the show had actually ended its run, but now that you've seen it you know how the world actually works (incidentally, that post about how The Wire is the greatest show in the history of television is noticeably missing from this blog. Although at this point the entirety of the post might just consist of the sentence "The Wire is the greatest show in the history of television." To be honest, I would write the post, but something inside me really wants to hear what Open Bar has to say about it.)

Anyway, this Neutral Milk Hotel album is genuinely one of the most beautiful records ever released. The lyrics are so strange and interesting and really stand out while at the same time blending in really well to the music. They also make really great use of the trumpet throughout the whole album. I don't know that I've ever really heard the trumpet used in such an interesting way. Especially in rock type music. Relatedly, you can definitely hear how this band would go on to influence Arcade Fire in the following years. Arcade Fire also has some strange instrumentation and ear filling sounds and awkward lyrics that somehow weave into the songs.

But this isn't really like Arcade Fire. Kathy says it reminds her of Bob Dylan. I can see that, although I don't know if I neccessarily agree. It definitely reminds me of Arcade Fire, as mentioned. It's a bit like Radiohead's quieter stuff, but at the same time not really. But it also really kindof stands out on its own. I would suggest that everyone go and download this on iTunes right now. It's that good. (YP, MP, I don't know all this industry jargon. What movie? Open Bar don't ruin it for everyone.)

There are lots of Open Bar shout outs in this post.

Ok, That One Was Pretty Good

2010-04-21T14:58:00.002-04:00

Today.

Student: "Mista, what do I need to do to pass?"
Me: "Have you done all your homework?"
Student: "Seriously, mista, you need to give less homework."
Me: "Why?"
Student: "Because, you know...you heard of that No Child Left Behind, right? When you give homework and I don't do it, you're leaving me behind."

This Just In, National Televion, The Mets Suck

2010-04-21T08:34:00.004-04:00

For Mets fans there is reason to at least be hopeful. Mike Pelfrey seems to be in the midst of recovering from his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad 2009 season. Johan has been good and so have, amazingly, John Niese and Oliver Perez (but he's just so day to day, I'll believe in his consistency in about 2 years). John Maine was not awful in his last start (if that's the barometer, then you know it's going bad, but still) and he says that he discovered a mechanical flaw that is residual compensation from his arm injury that he's in the process of working on. So long as the pitchers stay somewhat consistent and they can lean on Johan and the Prelf, the offense should be good enough to win them some games (not that it has, but it should).

They finally gave up on Mike "Fucking" Jacobs and brought up Ike Davis. (And frankly, if he hits even a little bit, I'm all for quitting this Daniel Murphy positioning experiment. Murphy is clearly only suited to play third base, just trade him for something, anything.) Jeff Franceoeuoeur has quadrupled his career walk total in these 15 games so far, and Jason Bay actually had an RBI the other day. Angel Pagan has finally started to play every day and he'll probably be good long enough for Beltran to come back.

The question, though, is who on Earth would want to watch the Mets play other than Mets fans? The Mets played three consecutive games on national television last weekend. They were on the Fox national broadcast (which turned out to be a great game in fairness), then the next day they were on Sunday night baseball, and then the next day after that they were on Monday night baseball. I wonder when was the last time Gary Cohen had two whole days off during the season? (The Monday game was on both ESPN and SNY.) And then they are scheduled for a second week in a row to be on Sunday night baseball this coming week. There is no reason to believe that they are going to compete in any given game unless Johan is pitching. Unless they can get a guarantee that Johan is gonna pitch, there's no reason for these guys to schedule Mets games on national TV.

Maybe the argument is that even if they just draw regional viewership, the Mets audience is bigger than they would get for some other team. But at this point I would think the nation as a whole would be more inclined to watch the Phillies (an actual exciting team), Angels, Cardinals (the Mets opponent on both Saturday and Sunday, probably those two teams together equal pretty big ratings), Twins, (Devil) Rays, or Red Sox. I'll leave the Yankees out of it, I guess. And since I get to watch all the Mets and Yankee games anyway, I'd personally like to watch the occasional Twins game or even the Phillies (who I clearly dislike, but who also put on a pretty good baseball game).

PS - I was tempted to put this picture up in the corner there, even though it has nothing to do with anything.

Things That Are Overrated: The Ivy League

2010-04-15T09:36:00.004-04:00

One time I went to a job interview and there were two people there and they were apparently choosing between me and some other guy and they were sortof thinking out loud while I was right there and the gist of the conversation was, "well, all else being equal, this guy went to an Ivy League school. It feels so right it can't be wrong. Do you want the job?" I didn't end up taking that job, but the point is that the only reason they offered me the job was because I went to an Ivy League school. That's wack. It's especially wack for the other guy who was just as qualified.

I am not trying to suggest that the quality of the education at the Ivy League schools is deficient in any way. In fact, the education I got at my Ivy League school was spectacular, and I'm thankful to have gotten it. When I went to college I really had no idea what I wanted to be. And when I left college I still really had no idea what I wanted to be. But still I ended up with an education that was applicable to really any field that I was potentially interested in. My studies in no way represented those of one who would one day become a math teacher, but when i decided that was what I wanted to do, I was qualified to do it based on my undergraduate coursework.

What I would like to suggest, however, is that the education available at almost every other school is as good, or, depending on your focus, perhaps better, than any Ivy League school. This is especially true at the undergraduate level. And what I've realized after teaching at an inner city high school that would under no circumstances be related to the Ivy League of high schools for seven years is that school is really what you make of it. If you want to study hard and make something of yourself, then you will. The concentration of those kids at Ivy League schools is high. At a state school, perhaps less so. But it's certainly not nonexistent. And we could make a list of colleges that would go on forever where the quality of the education and the student body is on par with any Ivy League school.

I could really go on and on about this.

Please To Explain: Masters Coverage

2010-04-09T13:57:00.005-04:00

Dear whoever decided this,

You're aware of an invention called television and on this invention they show shows? One of those shows is the Masters golf tournament which is taking place this week. The tournament starts at 8:00 in the morning or some such thing. Tiger Woods tees off at like 2pm. Why in the world is the live covereage only going on ESPN from 4-7pm? ESPN shows more garbage on all their various networks than many other networks put together. Between 2pm and 4pm yesterday all they did was live updates every 5 minutes of every shot Tiger took. Can't you gies just pay a little more money or whatever it would take in order to actually show Tiger's whole round?

And I'm not necessarily just interested in Tiger. I'd like to actually see all the live coverage of as many gies as possible. This really doesn't make any sense to me. I'm sure there are a ton of old retired gies who would sit and watch this all day and you could show your commercials for Viagra and retirement services. There's got to be something that can be done about this.

Please To Explain: Crossword

2010-04-08T18:02:00.006-04:00

Can someone explain to me please why there is a huge jump in difficulty between the Wednesday and Thursday crossword puzzles in The New York Times? I understand the concept that the puzzles get more difficult from Monday through Sunday. I like the idea so you can challenge yourself more and more. I'm down with all of that.

The problem is that the difference between Wednesday and Thursday is huge. I can always do Monday and Tuesday no problem. Wednesday I can do always to 90% and usually to 100%. Then on Thursday, like every Thursday, I can't even get a foothold. Usually on Thursdays I'll get 10-12 random clues that are not connected or anything. Rarely I'll get a section done and that will lead to getting more and more of it done, but finding that starting point is nearly impossible. I almost never even try it on Fridays. And the weekend is right out.

Today's theme (a Thursday) was words that were invented by Lewis Carroll in the Jabberwocky poem. They gave you his intended definitions and you had to fill in the made up words. How am I expected to be able to do that?

I get the feeling that you're really supposed to have to Google shit in order to finish the ones from later in the week. Is this not the case? Does anyone know the New York Times crossword philosophy? Am I supposed to be able to finish it on the weekend without having to look shit up? I know at the very least you have to actually put some effort into looking at the answers the next day and going over the clues again to understand how they put clues together and eventually improving at doing it on your own in order to have any hope of getting those weekend puzzles done. That's far more effort than I'm really willing to put in. But assuming I did that would I eventually be able to finish them, or am I expected to do the crossword in front of my computer?

Not Penny's Boat

2010-04-07T06:12:00.008-04:00

Spoiler alert. If you are into Lost and have not seen last night's episode . . . blah blah blah.

This has never been a Lost blog, and it is not going to become one now so close to the end of the series. But with only seven episodes left (assuming you count the two-hour finale as two episodes, otherwise there are only six left), the show officially entered the gun lap with last night's installment, "Happily Ever After."

For those of you who came to the show in the traditional manner, watching each week and waiting several months in between seasons, your long-running frustration and love-hate relationship with the show has been well-chronicled here. And for those of you who, like me, came to the show via shortcut, the advantages of that approach are noted here.

Either way -- whether you are a dinosaur like Open Bar who watches TV the old-fashioned way, or a cutting-edge techie geek like me -- you could not help but appreciate "Happily Ever After." I will not try to do a long exegesis of the episode (and besides, this guy did a much better job than I could anyway). Instead, I will only say that with this episode, we are starting to see glimpses of where the show might be headed for its grand finale.

Perhaps the biggest question of this season -- other than the obvious "how's it going to end" thing -- is whether and to what extent there is any connection between the people who are on the island, and their mirrors in the so-called "flash sideways" scenes. When Daniel Faraday/Widmore tells Desmond that he thinks he already blew up a nuclear bomb, and when Desmond gets into his car and tells his driver that he wants to find the other passengers from the Oceanic flight, we know that the "flash sideways" sequences are going to unfold in a way that is not at all disconnected from what is happening on the island. (side note: did you recognize the driver? He was George Minkowski - the sick communications officer from the freighter in the Season 4 episode, "The Constant" (which is the single best episode of the show, in my opinion). "The Constant" is the other episode in which Desmond becomes vaguely conscious of the fact that he is vacillating between two realities, and in which his love for Penny anchors his ability to manage the strain of that experience. A nice juxtaposition there).

In fact, in addition to the significant development of the plot (indeed, one of the biggest criticisms of the show is that nothing happens -- questions are raised, never answered), there were a number of wonderful juxtapositions in this episode. The above-mentioned return of Minkowski, now as driver, but still a "guide" for Desmond as he navigates between two realities. Also, in the scene in which Desmond finds Penny running in the stadium, we see a complete reversal of the scene from Season 2 where Penny finds Desmond there, and they plan to be apart (he is preparing to leave for the yacht race) rather than together (for a cup of coffee, in an hour). Lastly - and by far most poignantly - as Desmond tries to rescue Charlie from the submerged car, Charlie places his hand on the glass . . . revealing, but not really, those fateful words from the Season 3 finale:

Not Penny's Boat.

Opening Day 2010: 3rd place, here we come!

2010-04-05T12:30:00.012-04:00

If Omar Minaya ran a 7-Eleven...

Hard to top Mets Extra’s headline regarding the outlook for the 2010 New York Mets: To Mediocrity, and Beyond!

A .500 season seems like all we have to hope for. Maybe we’ll put up a fight for third, but the Marlins shouldn’t be what scares Mets fans. The idea of looking up at the fourth-place Nationals in a few months is my primary fear.

It’s a shame, too. A team with David Wright, Jose Reyes, Johan Santana and Carlos Beltran shouldn’t ever fear the cellar. Perhaps my pessimism is a bit exaggerated, but after the McDowell’s Law (2nd graf) of last season, I’m well aware that anything can happen. As long as anything includes only really bad things like season-ending injuries.

Take a look at the Mets' Opening Day starting lineup. Keep in mind that a team’s starting lineup – I know this sounds obvious – is comprised of its nine best players, and, well, here:

1. SS Alex Cora
2. 2B Luis Castillo
3. 3B David Wright
4. 1B Mike Jacobs
5. LF Jason Bay
6. CF Gary Matthews Jr.
7. RF Jeff Francoeur
8. C Rod Barajas
9. SP Johan Santana

In other words:

1. Sucks
2. Sucks
3. Awesome
4. Sucks
5. Pretty good
6. Sucks
7. Sucks
8. Sucks
9. Hits better than 1, 2, 4, 6-8 (but then again, so could a well-motivated plant)

That’s seven automatic outs every time we cycle through the lineup. You know how in baseball, the goal of the offense is to score runs? This lineup scoffs at such conventional wisdom. “Watch as we pile up the wins by actively refusing to get on base!”

The league average on-base percentage is .330-.335, with .300 being terrible and .370 being very good. So in this day and age, when even ESPN has accepted the validity of OBP enough to include it in its Sunday Night Baseball programming, would someone please explain to me this: WHY THE BALLS IS ALEX CORA AND HIS GODAWFUL .295 OBP LEADING OFF?

Batting Alex Cora first pretty much translates to Jerry Manuel saying “We would like to start out every game already having one out. Yes, I know we only get three per inning and outs are extremely valuable and one shouldn’t go around giving them away willy-nilly, but hey, go fuck yourself, logic.”

Up next is the notorious soft-popup-behind-3rd machine Luis Castillo, who actually had a stellar 2009 OBP of .387. Why he isn’t batting first is unclear other than that it would make sense, though maybe Jerry Manuel got a little freaked out by Luis’s running style, which could be described as “Johnny From ‘The Wire,’ Only More Retarded-Looking.”

Okay, enough doom and gloom, for the moment. Before long, the Mets will get Beltran and Reyes back, and they will be dramatically better. At that point the top of the lineup will look like this:

1. Jose Reyes
2. Luis Castillo
3. Carlos Beltran
4. David Wright
5. Jason Bay

Which is actually damn impressive. Even with the bag of dicks hitting behind them, that fivesome is gonna produce some runs. Unfortunately, unless Johan’s pitching, it probably won’t be enough. (I wonder how many 3- or 4-game losing streaks Johan will be called upon to stop this year. My bet is 100.)

All joking aside, it’s Opening Day, which is as close as I get these days to how I felt on Christmas as a kid. Hope springs eternal, as they say, and although I’m sure watching the Mets “play baseball” this year will probably take an extra year off my life, I know I’ll be rushing home for every game, rooting my hardest for Alex Cora and Jeff (“Frenchy”) Francoeur and Oliver (“Fucking”) Perez, even as Side Bar and I try to one-up each other on who can most creatively slander their families.

It’s gonna be a long season, but hey, it’s baseball. Anyone want to go to a game this week?

I'm A Quitter

2010-04-01T21:05:00.007-04:00

I guess all of us have vices. Some of us like to smoke or others may like to drink or do crack or whatever. Does one "do" crack? I suppose one smokes crack. Anyhow. I am a pansy and so I do not have a good vice. I do, however, have a propensity to do some things that, all else being equal, I'd rather not do. In that vein, there are three things in my life that I have managed to leave behind in recent days (Edwina, had a feeling....but it wasn't until recent days...sorry...You know, an explanation of this whole sordid mess would make a pretty good blog post). Two of them were easy, the third was not.

The simple ones. I have lamented in the past on this blog about how somehow, in spite of myself and my better judgement, I was an avid watcher of Grey's Anatomy and similarly a watcher of American Idol. I am proud to report that I have quit both of those shows. If you add this to the time I quit 24, then I've really been paring down my TV watching. I think the only new shows I've picked up recently have been Modern Family (which is awesome) and Parenthood (which is really really really good). I have to say I don't miss American Idol even a little bit. Also once I stopped watching Grey's Anatomy I didn't really see a need to start again. I happened to miss an episode and decided to take advantage of that and just make a clean break. Both of these, no big whoop, but I'm happier because of them.

On to the tough one. If you know me, then you that it's sortof a big deal that I have quit McDonald's. The last time I had McDonald's was on July 22 of 2009. I know the date because it was my birthday. (Full disclosure: I go to the McD's drive through at like 6:15am once or twice a week and get coffee. Only coffee. I do not consider this cheating.) The reason I quit was because I realized that I was just making deals with myself relative to my McDonald's consumption and I wasn't actually doing myself any good. I had struck a deal where I was going to limit myself to McD's once a month only. That would turn into once a month and also if I was in a real hurry somewhere or if it was already late and no one wanted to cook or some other reason why it's so much easier to eat McD's than anything else.

Here's the thing. I can count the number of times I've been to Burger King and Wendy's combined since 2000 on my fingers, but my relationship with McD's is different. I have an odd psychological relationship with McD's that is somewhat difficult to explain. I know that it's bad for me and everything like that, but I love it. Not like, "Yeah, I love that movie", more like "You love him and you wanna have like 10,000 of his babies." (what movie?) I have, in prior blog iterations, lamented the fact that I needed to let McDonald's go, but found it hard. (That post has the same title as Where's Luke's most famous post. I didn't realize that until just now. Also, I should update that post, as I, in fact, have even more Adidas now.) That post also sheds some light into the McDonald's sign that adorns this post. (Also, interestingly, that post reads fairly similarly to this one, despite the fact that I didn't even really remember writing it until I was looking for the image of the sign.) Whatever genius was in charge of the McD's marketing in the late '80s got into my brain and planted a seed of love from which I have never fully recovered.

So with that being said, after I ate McD's on my birthday last year, I decided that would be my last time. Not for a month or anything, but forever. Here's what I've learned since then. McDonald's is ubiquitous in American culture. If I had a dollar every time I drove past a McD's, I'd be rich, as would everyone else in America. The other thing I've learned is that quitting McD's is both easy and hard. Literally every time I drive past one I think to myself, "Wow, I love McDonald's." But at the same time I'm never actually tempted to stop. There have been many times in the last few months where I definitely would have gone to McD's if I hadn't decided to just quit altogether. And that is precisely why I quit. If the option is just off the table, then there are no deals to make with myself. Now I'm not comparing this to quitting smoking or anything, but I will say that I do understand the notion of psychological addiction.

Also, to be filed under "correlation does not imply causation", since July 22 of 2009, I have lost around 20 pounds. The McD's thing is obviously part of it, but that decision was part of a larger decision to just eat better in general. And the best way to do that was to just cut out those trips to McD's. That's not to say that I've only eaten healthy things for the last few months, but mostly (He's only mostly dead). The few times where I felt like I simply had to have something decadent I have gone to a diner or to 5 Guys (not really any better than McD's, I know) and gotten a cheeseburger or some such thing. But I don't really see those as loopholes because I don't have a specific relationship with those places like I do with McD's. And also those times are much more infrequent now.

EAST	W	L	PCT	GB	HOME	ROAD	RS	RA	DIFF	STRK	L10
NY Mets	12	9	.571	-	10-5	2-4	89	69	+20	Won 6	8-2
Philadelphia	11	9	.550	.5	3-3	8-6	107	84	+23	Lost 3	3-7
Florida	11	10	.524	1	5-4	6-6	102	97	+5	Lost 1	5-5
Washington	11	10	.524	1	7-6	4-4	90	105	-15	Won 1	5-5
Atlanta	8	12	.400	3.5	5-4	3-8	77	85	-8	Lost 7	2-8