Queens, How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Ways.

I got married in 2002. My wife is from Queens. When we got married my wife worked in Queens and I worked at a job that allowed me to transfer from where I was working, in Englewood, NJ, to a branch in New York. That was one of the many reasons why it made a lot of sense for us to settle in Queens. If you had asked me in 2002 I would have guessed that we would live in Queens long enough for me to save some money and convince my wife that we should move somewhere else. I was wrong.

I didn't know it at the time, but it turns out that me and Queens are soulmates. (Let's ignore the poor grammar. This is some Joycian shit right here.) I love Queens more than I ever could possibly have imagined. I love the diversity of experience available throughout the boro. I love its suburban nature. I love its urban parts. I love that there's a working farm. You can live in Queens and have any experience that you want.

And if you want to have all those experiences together, you can have that too. You can find a spot in Queens where you can have a house, like a real house, the convenience of a car, easy access to the subway and therefore the city, places to go within walking distance, and access to the quasi-suburban lifestyle that seems to be exactly what I was looking for in life.

And I know you're reading this and thinking that this is my experience and that you wouldn't love Queens like this, but I thought the same thing. So I'm not getting on a soapbox or anything, but I think this is something that would hold true for a lot of readers of this blog. I suppose it's not even testable, the chances that any of you would move to Queens is essentially zero, so I'll just rest in the confidence of this statement without actually having to put up.

If I didn't have a family I would guarantee you that I'd live the rest of my life in Queens. As an adult, I couldn't ask for more. Unfortunately, there are some experiences that I had as a youngster (that's such a funny word) that are unavailable in Queens. And there's going to come a time in the near future where we'll have to decide if those are experiences that are vital to the upbringing of a family. Most of them relate to education and the insular nature of a prototypical suburb versus a pseudo-suburb, of which Queens is the only one I know. On the other hand, I know that we could supplement those experiences with ones that are entirely unique to coming up in such a diverse and open area. And at the same time, I know I have an ideal in mind that is probably not necessarily available anywhere.



I'm debating with myself whether I should end the post at this point. I have finished what I originally wanted to say, and I've rambled on a bit more in a tangentially related way. You can keep reading, but consider the rest of this a secondary post. Imagine if I had written it weeks or months later.





Additionally, moving out of Queens, the best place to live, would mean most likely moving to Long Island, arguably the worst place on Earth (this logic goes as far as the idea that I wouldn't ever consider moving out of New York Metro, so among those options, Long Island is the one that settles least with me). The nature of our jobs and such would mean that we'd have to either change everything, which I don't really want to do, or move to the Guyland. That prospect kindof skeeves me out. As someone from New Jersey, I have a natural hatred of Long Island, bred from the realization that New Jersey and Long Island are essentially the same, except that Long Island sucks way more (flawless logic). Being on Long Island genuinely skeeves me out. Ninety percent of the towns are laid out in the same way just based on the geography of the island. Every town in essentially a repeat of the last, branching of the LIE down a county highway and spreading out from there. There are a few towns that escape this genuinely unsettling feature, and I suppose I would consider moving there, the same way that others might consider moving to a suburb in New Jersey.

All else being equal, I don't think I could ever live in New Jersey again. It's hard to put my finger on. I loved growing up there. I don't think I'd trade it. But I also look at the nature of the state, essentially a giant suburb, the ludicrous taxes, the awfulness of the state government, and something intangible that has changed in me, and I just know that I don't want to go back. I guess that's the reason that this Long Island idea is fermenting inside of me. As much as the nature of a New Jersey native is diametrically opposed to Long Island, it would sortof be a way for me to go home again without actually going home again.

At the end of the day, I think I'd love to find a way to stay in Queens. I mean, I wouldn't have to find a way, I guess I'd just have to do it. My suspicion is that the perceived trade-offs are a smaller deal than I'm making them out to be. And my eternal happiness at living in the perfect location would undoubdtedly rub off on my family in a positive way. I mean, part of me is wondering why I would ever consider finding the perfect place and then leaving it. Seems pretty stupid.

Genes Is Genes: A Shout Out

I want to give a shout out to my homegirl, the Notorious EMT, sister of the Notorious LJT. A story is in order to relate the inanity of the Notorious household. The caveat, of course, is that every family is inane, the only question being in what way is your particular family inane. (Is that last sentence a question? Should it end in a question mark? I feel like there should be a colon or a semicolon.) Anyhow, this is how the Notorious family is inane.

In the Notorious family you could break down the three kids into Notoriouses LJT (the boy), KAT (the chef. Shout out to Notorious KAT), and EMT (the tall one), respectively. EMT has always been tall. I assume she's proud of it today, but she was presumably self-conscious of it when she was younger. Perhaps she felt like it made her stand out in a weird way and maybe in a way she wasn't pretty when everyone else was (not true, by the way). One day in her youth, EMT asks her mom, Carmella Soprano, "Mom, why am I so tall?" Carmella gave the obvious answer, "I don't know. Why is [LJT] so good looking?"