Prince is Weird, Just Ask Kevin Smith

I've never been a huge Prince fan, although I can appreciate his music.

One time during my sophomore week in college, "Kiss" held the coveted song of the week spot - much to the chagrin of my neighbors who apparently didn't understand that it had to be blasted multiple times in a row at full volume.

In any case, Bill Simmons a/k/a ESPN's Sports Guy was talking about him on a podcast a few months ago and he and his buddy Jack-O were saying how amazing of a guitarist he was. I had never thought of Prince as a tremendous guitarist as much as a little weird man that dressed in women's clothes and who wrote some dope pop songs.

But, some googling appears to confirm that he is a pretty amazing guitarist.

The clip below is a tribute to George Harrison at The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Watch the clip. This could be the greatest guitar solo ever. Also, watch Dhani Harrison's (he's the one who looks exactly like his father, George Harrison) face when Prince falls backwards off the stage. Amongst the band member's are Tom Petty, Jeff Lynne and some other guy who I assume is a famour musician (but obviously not that famous since I don't know who he is). Prince destroys all of them. They're not in the same ballpark, it's not even the same fucking sport. The solo starts at 3:31 if you're too impatient to watch the whole thing.



Anyway, this clip inspired more googling and I came across this very bizarre story about him on YouTube.

Basically, Kevin Smith (of Chasing Amy, Mall Rats & Clerks fame) tells this story how he tried to get Prince to OK his using of one of his songs in an upcoming movie. Prince won't let him use the Prince version but invites him to Minnesota to film a documentary. Kevin Smith goes and bizarness ensues. (It takes a while but it is a hell of a story.)

Billy Crystal is dead to me

Walt Clyde once met the Giant. Send over the pic!
Oh yeah, and that movie sucked.

As you may have heard, long-time yankee fan Billy Crystal led off in today's spring training matchup with the Pirates.

60-year-old Billy Crystal literally batted in a game against major-league pitcher Paul Maholm. He struck out, of course, but I have to ask WHY? WHY DID HE GET TO DO THIS?

I understand it was his 60th birthday, blah blah blah. But this is some serious nonsense. A publicity stunt? The goddamn yankees need publicity? Really?

He's a big yankee fan, fine, I know. I actually enjoyed 61*, which he directed. He seems to be a genuine fan of baseball, and I particularly love the scene where he and Bruno Kirby (R.I.P.) hit some balls in the batting cage in When Harry Met Sally ("You made a woman meow?").

But there exists an opportunity for non-baseball players to play baseball with their favorite teams. It's called Fantasy Camp. Every team has one (I think). You may remember the old Seinfeld where Kramer goes to yankee Fantasy Camp and gets into a "brouhaha" after plunking Joe Pepitone ("He was crowding the plate!"), which ends with him punching Mickey Mantle in the mouth.

I really don't mean to be a fun-hating anti-yankee jerk about this, but seriously, letting Billy Crystal hit in a real spring training game (that might be an oxymoron, yes) is retarded.

First of all, it's movie-star Billy Crystal, not some Make-a-Wish kid who's about to die. Let Billy Crystal throw out the first pitch or something, sure. Let him lead yankee Stadium in "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the 7th-inning stretch. Or, even better, get rid of that big-eared jackass who still does "God Bless America" every fucking game because, lest you forget, george steinbrenner and the yankee organization are way more patriotic than you are.

"It's just one at-bat, let it go," you might say. Yes, it is just one at-bat. But to some double-A player trying to make an impression, that one at-bat might make a huge fucking difference. Major League Baseball is a multi-billion dollar organization, and the yanks are the biggest team. Any player in their system has a chance to earn shitloads of dollars, and every one of those players deserves a shot at that far more than some aging has-been comedian multi-millionaire.

Again, the yanks don't need the extra publicity. If you want baseball coming up with offbeat ways to promote itself, the minor league system provides you ample opportunities. And some are quite timely, as well. (No actual hookers? Come on!)

In conclusion, Billy Crystal can suck my farts. Okay, maybe he isn't totally dead to me (he was Miracle Max, after all), but he's certainly mostly dead.

For some reason, I think LJT's gonna win this one

"Nice tits."

As all my co-writers will attest, in my youth I was occasionally prevented from participating in certain activities due to punishment. I'm speaking, of course, about LJT's annual Fourth of July pool parties. There everyone would be, playing pool-basketball and diving to the bottom in search of a rock or whatever; and there I would be -- sitting on some chair, trying my hardest to act casual as I (pitifully) tried to explain:

SIDE BAR: Open Bar, what're you doing? Get in the pool.

OPEN BAR: Nah, don't feel like swimming.

LJT: You don't feel like swimming? It's like 104 degrees.

OPEN BAR: Really? 'Cause, like, it doesn't feel that hot--

SIDE BAR: Did you beat up your brother again?

OPEN BAR: No. It's nothing. I just--

LJT: Okay, so you're grounded. Again. Don't steal anything from my house.

OPEN BAR: What?! I -- I'm just gonna go play some Nintendo.

And I would leave all the fun, go inside, head to the basement, and drown my sorrows in Pepsi, Super Mario Bros., and cookies (that I stole).

Anyway, the point is that I would sometimes get into some trouble for beating up my little brother. Most of this happened when I was between the ages of 9-12 or so, meaning my bro was about 5-8 years old. It was a dick thing to do, and I look back upon it with shame.

I don't know why I had that violent streak. When I stopped, I stopped cold turkey. No more attacking toddlers. (My parents couldn't have been prouder!)

But there's something I've wondered for quite some time now. I've posed this question numerous times to friends, usually in group-drinking environments, and I've heard so many different responses that I feel somewhat justified in having wondered about it so long. It's not something I've ever considered in a realistic way, more of a fun "What if..." vibe. And it's funny -- some people get it right away (that I'm not posing a serious question, and therefore I won't take your answer literally), while some people are so morally offended at the mere premise that they either refuse to answer or, worse, get all huffy-puffy and hate me.

Apparently, though, I'm not the only one who's thought about this (as I will demonstrate in just a moment). Without further adieu, the question is:

How many 5-year-olds do you think you could take in a fight?

Seriously. Think about it: There is a massive swarm of toddlers coming at you, attacking fearlessly. To give you a few parameters that I've usually included when I ask it:

1. No weapons. (For you or them.)
2. You're in an enclosed area, so running away when you get tired isn't an option.
3. You don't need to kill them; knocking them out is fine.

Again, this is merely an exercise. No one is judging your morals. We're not talking about trying to set up an event next weekend and trying to see if you'd be "cool" with it. Just use your imagination. You know, like you did when you were 5.

(Incidentally, another variation I've used is, rather than 5-year-olds, substitute octogenarians. Is your answer higher or lower?)

Okay, now that you have your guess, I present the actual test. Click on the link below (it's safe for work), and please, allow me to quote Count Rugen: "This is for posterity, so, be honest." (It really is no fun if you cheat.)

How many 5-year-olds could you take in a fight?

And when you finish, please post your scores in the poll!