What the Eff, America? Football Crimes Edition

Donte Stallworth went and got drunk and decided to drive his Bentley home. On his way home he killed a dude who was trying to cross the street. For driving drunk and killing a guy, Stallworth served 30 days in prison.

Michael Vick funded and participated in a dog fighting ring for over six years. In that time he regularly tortured and killed dogs. He pitted them against each other, electrocuted them, drowned them, and he didn't stop until he was found out by the police. He was sentenced to 23 months in prison, and he served 18 months.

Plaxico Burress decided to go out to a night club in his sweatpants and also to bring a gun in case he got mugged, like his teammate Steve Smith had been only a few days prior. The gun slipped out of the waistband of his sweatpants (you can't make this shit up) and discharged. Fortunately for Plax, the bullet hit him in the leg instead of somewhere else on his body or instead of someone else in the club. He went to the hospital, tried to hide the gun, and then came to his senses and told the truth about what happened within 24 hours of what happened. For this he was sentenced to 24 months in jail, and he will serve at least 20 months.

Is it just me, or are the punishments for these crimes going in reverse order of severity? This makes absolutely no goddamn sense. Plaxico's first mistake on that night was deciding to wear sweatpants to the club and his second was to bring his gun, but shit he didn't kill anyone or anything and he only injured himself. Sure he should be punished, but 2 years in prison for this? This is just grandstanding, pure and simple, by the mayor and the D.A. at a time when Bloomie is trying to get re-elected to a third term (it's gonna be harder than you think, Mike, though you'll win in the end, I bet, because you'll spend 50 times more money than the other gies combined).

And how can you fucking drive drunk and kill a guy and only go to jail for 30 days? 30 fucking days. Shit, next time I go out drinking, I'm gonna go out in Florida. This guy should be in prison for years and years, and instead he's already out.

This is getting to be ri-goddamn-diculous.

What the Eff, America? Ed Hardy Edition

Take a good look at this picture on the right there. This is Jon Gosselin who, along with Spencer Pratt, currently co-chairs the Douchebag of America Society. This picture perfectly encapsulates my feelings on this newest trend of idiocy in American society.

This whole Ed Hardy fashion thing is really just very stupid. I mean, it's a tattoo artist whose designs were co-opted by the same gie who made the Von Dutch brand a flash in the pan trend and put on t-shirts and sweatshirts and so on and so forth and sold to the masses at ridiculous prices. And then the masses were like, well, I don't have a big ass tattoo of an eagle on my chest because if I did that it would be mad weird, but I want to appear as if I have a big eagle tattoo on my chest and as if I always show it off except in like another 6 months when it's no longer cool to have all these shirts that look like I have tattoos all over myself or shoes or sweatshirts or handbags or anything then I'll just have a bunch of dishrags with eagles and dragons and skulls and tigers growling on them that cost me $40 each; well, it was fun while it lasted and when I look back at pictures of myself at this time I'll wonder what the hell I was thinking, kindof like that Flock of Seagulls thing back in the '80s.

I mean, tattooing to this extent is really a subculture of people who are really dedicated the whole idea of body as art and the beauty of the designs and such. Also if you get tattoos like that then you know going in that you have to live with them forever. When you get an Ed Hardy t-shirt, you violate everything that that particular subculture stands for. Did I forget to mention that all of these t-shirts and such are really ugly? You look like a fucking idiot walking down the street in these ridiculous clothes and its made worse because you think you look cool. Do these gies look cool? Answer me!

"This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains...

This will come into play later.
(And don't read it. It sucks.)

...Think about that for a while."

In tonight's baseball contest between the Rockies of Colorado and the sucky Mets, one of those really odd things that shouldn't have happened happened.

The situation: Bottom of the 8th inning, game tied at 3. Rockies pitcher Juan Rincon walks the first two batters, Luis Castillo (of the astounding +.400 OBP) and David Wright.

Next up? Cleanup hitter Daniel Murphy. (Sigh) Who proceeds to bunt. (Is there a God?)

I'm lazy, so I won't do any research, but I'm willing to bet that it's highly infrequent for a major league baseball team to ask its cleanup hitter to bunt with two men on and nobody out in the 8th inning of a tie game. But bunt he did, and well, and the Mets wound up with 2nd and 3rd, one out, and the mighty Jeff Franceour coming to the plate.

If that bunt wasn't odd enough, the Astros decided to intentionally walk Franceour.

This is sacrelige. Franceour NEVER WALKS. He swings at everything. Since he joined the Mets, the only reason his OBP is higher than his average is because he got hit by a pitch. He hasn't taken a single walk in a Mets uniform, yet the Astros intentionally walk him.

To be clear, intentionally walking Jeff Franceour to load the bases late in a tie game is simply begging the baseball gods to punish you.

Now up? The fearsome (i.e. not fearsome) Cory Sullivan. Obviously terrified of the journeyman outfielder who was just brought up from the minors a few days ago, the Astros switch pitchers. This forces Mets "manager" Jerry Manuel to pinch hit Fernando Tatis. Now, the thing about Tatis is that he hits into double plays like Chris Brown does to Rihanna. Out of 52 double-play chances this year, he's hit into 13 -- a 25% percent rate, which is friggin' astronomical. It's almost like the opposing managers were having a Dumb Off.

"Okay, I'll walk the guy who swings at everything. Go."

"Fine. You want a double play? Here's my DP machine. Go."

"Oh yeah? Well I'm gonna remove my catcher from the game and replace him with reality TV star Kendra Wilkinson. Go."

"That all you got? Rather than a baseball bat, I'm sending my hitter up with this copy of Deception Point by Dan Brown (see above). He wrote it before The Da Vinci Code, bitch!"

So the new Rockies pitcher throws two ridiculously good pitches, which Fernando Tatis has no chance of ever hitting. 0-2 count. It's hopeless.

And, of course, on the next pitch, Fernando Tatis hits a fucking grand slam.

The baseball gods have spoken.

Dogs behaving badly

I'm just gonna go right ahead and plagiarize the headline for this video I saw over at GorillaMask:

You know those old paintings of dogs playing poker? This video is just like that, except with more rape.

I really don't know where to begin with this thing. You can see a bunch of good questions over at Best Week Ever, but definitely watch the video first.




Oh, and I know the "dogs raping children -- funny?" tag doesn't apply perfectly, but it's still pretty odd that we already have a dog rape tag.

WTF Commercial: Planter's Peanuts

I know this commercial has been out since the Super Bowl, but it has gotten a lot of play during the first two rounds of the NCAA Tournament.

I can't quite explain how I feel about it. Which I guess is a good thing. I'm mesmerized by its...oddness or something.

I guess I was just wondering what y'all thought about it. I mean, unibrows are great for comedy, no arguments. People falling/tripping/running into things? Also a good bet to make me laugh. I mean, I know the chick is hideous -- that's the point, I suppose -- but I guess this is a good follow-up to Chuck's whole Funny = Hot posts. Chuck, I ask you: Since this chick is funny, is she therefore hot? And if so, how bad do you want to bang her? (For the record, as for me? Yes. Yes I wouldn't bang her! Didn't see that one coming, didya?)

Friday Classic Video: I have no words to describe this

I seriously thought about putting this in the "All right stoners, explain this" category, but I bet this would baffle even my highest friends. Honestly, I don't have a clue what this is or where it came from, but it's...mesmerizing.



Seen on Shout File.

Friday Classic Video: Part 2, I guess

I do agree with Chuck that that last one might be more suited to the All right, stoners, explain this and/or What the Fuck? tab category, but it was still pretty funny. (I like the lighthouse!)

But I've been holding onto this one for a while, debating whether it deserved placement or if anyone would like it. But I figured, what the hell? For this one, I highly suggest you eat a tab of acid, an eighth of 'shrooms, or maybe that awesome 2CE stuff I've only heard about (I swear). If you're not into the whole "tripping" thing, though, turn off your lights, I guess. It may start a bit slow, but at around the 40 second mark...well, you'll see.

All right, stoners, explain this, part 3

All right, stoners, explain this, pt. 2

People seemed to enjoy the Sanjaya/Bob Dylan oddity from a few weeks ago, and I think I've found a good follow-up. I have no idea how to even introduce this one.



(Found on KSK)

Some disturbing videos

Since we seem to be slacking off today, I thought I'd mail it in by posting a couple of videos. But in my defense, these are some oddball choices which leave room for interpretation and clever commenting.

Video Number 1: In the past, Kermit has certainly shown he can get a little melancholy ("Rainbow Connection," "It Not Easy Bein' Green"), but I never knew how hard Jim Henson's death was on him. Until now.



That's fucked up, Rowlf. Here's the main site for this thing.

Video Number 2: Everyone always says children are precious, but those people are dead fucking wrong. This little shit is one scary bastard. As a parent, can you even be proud of something like that? I'd be busy thinking of ways to trick it into drinking a milkshake mixed with cyanide.



From now on, I'm definitely using a condom every time. I swear.

(Thanks again to With Leather.)

Video Number 3: Just who is that handsome devil with the bananas? Someone give him an award. An award for unsurpassed awesomeness.



Those guys at Girard Street rule!

All right, stoners, explain this