A Vegan Joke For Open Bar

How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they can't change anything

Things that are overrated, part II: Strip Clubs

(This post will circle around the state of Texas before it really gets to my thoughts on strip clubs, so bear with me.)

In two short days, Las Vegas will finally get what it has waited 28 long, excruciating years for -- my presence. And what a weekend it will be as well. I'm heading out there for a friend's bachelor party, and it seems like the fates have conspired to make this perhaps the ultimate weekend to be there. Aside from the bachelor party stuff, which will certainly be great fun, three other events have magically converged, thus making May 5, 2007, perhaps the greatest day in history:

1. Cinco de Mayo. I don't really know a whole lot about this day, but I know that drinking pails full of Coronas and margaritas somehow means I'm celebrating it. Excelente!

2. The Kentucky Derby. Some folks consider June 21 the first day of summer. Others say Memorial Day truly starts summer off. But over the past few years, I've come to believe that the first Saturday in May actually kicks things off. Though I'm not much of a gambler -- I feel like I have enough vices as it is -- I'll always head to OTB on Derby day. The Derby is the first big-time outdoor event in months (excluding Opening Day of baseball, since it is often ass-cold at Shea on April 1, and the Super Bowl, because half the time it's held in a dome), and May is usually my favorite month for weather, so that's often the first time I spend most of the day outside drinking -- what I would consider a good way to evaluate the start of summer. And finally, this is an event with an official drink. And what a drink it is! The Mint Julep! If you've never had one (you suck) here's what it is: fill a cup with crushed ice; grind up some sugar and fresh mint leaves; fill with bourbon (Maker's Mark, preferably). That's it. No mixers. It's just liquor with ice and a plant. And it tastes like ambrosia.

This is another thing I love about the derby: the way everyone gets all dressed up, especially the women and their hats. It's really a totally Southern, genteel style that dominates at Churchill Downs, something infrequently seen at major sporting events. And everyone gets wasted on Mint Juleps, as these fine folks are.

3. Floyd Mayweather Jr. vs Oscar de la Hoya. Quite simply, the biggest and most anticipated fight since Tyson-Holyfield, if not longer. It's the best fighter in the world vs the most popular fighter in the world. And naturally, it's in Vegas (where I'll be, did I mention that?). Right now on Stub Hub, back row tickets start at $834.00 each. When tickets went on sale, they were sold out in three fucking minutes. That's what I'd call in-demand.

So basically, I know my Vegas trip has Saturday planned out: Morning -- Coronas and margaritas by the pool as I chill out in my sombrero wearing my Mexican flag bathing suit while I curse in Spanish as much as possible, maybe even a Latina hooker or three; afternoon -- Mint Juleps and pulling for Nobiz Like Showbiz, hopefully nailing a hooker with an endearing Southern accent; night -- rooting for de la Hoya even while watching him be as effective at successfully hitting Floyd as Mr. Miyagi was at getting one of those flies with chopsticks, and finishing off with a hooker who's into letting me punch her (that's legal in Vegas, right?).


I know that clip doesn't have the chopsticks scene, but it's still pretty funny. You should click on to the Youtube site and check this guy's other movies-in-5-seconds clips. I especially love Titanic, The Three Amigos and Goodfellas (this one is pretty NSFW).

But that still leaves Thursday and Friday nights, and since I've never been to Vegas, I'm not sure what to go out and do. I'm sure I'll end up breaking my non-gambling style by throwing down too much money on 23 at the roulette table (just like Tony did on Sunday on The Sopranos -- that's my number too!), if for no other reason than drinks are free if you're gambling. If you can get free drinks, you do it. That's an absolute rule in any situation. Why do you think I go to church? Communion! But I'm not gonna spend all my time in Vegas just gambling, not when the city (allegedly) has so much more to offer. So what else to do? I've asked friends, and many have insisted that I check out the strip-club scene. To which I inevitably groan, and here's why.

Strip clubs blow. I've been to strip clubs up and down the Eastern seaboard, from Florida to Montreal, and with a few notable exceptions, I've had an awful time at all of them. As I mentioned before, my first trip to Stiletto's was great, even though I didn't have quite as -- how to say this... -- "explosive" a time in the private lap-dance room as some of the other 18-year-olds I was with (you know who you are). It was my first time there, and as I hadn't had much experience yet with naked women smiling at me to that point, how could I not enjoy myself?

The second good time I had at a strip club was in Montreal, where the rules are much looser (no pun intended). This club's private dances were hands-on, which is an entirely different experience from most lap dances where the mind-reading devices know instantly the moment you have an inkling of an idea to actually -- gasp! -- touch the girl's leg. (If you're in Montreal, go to Wanda's. Totally worth it.)

Lastly, when I was in Florida "researching" Friction, I went to a club called Cheetah. I didn't even get a lap-dance (or friction-dance, in local terms), but this seemed like the first club I'd been to that realized that having naked chicks walk around and charging exorbitant prices for everything wasn't guaranteed to make a guy enjoy himself. The whole vibe, from the girls' awesome attitudes to the free buffet lunch to the general unpretentiousness of the place, was different and in every way better than other strip clubs I'd been to.

But aside from those three, every other club I've been to sucks, and for many of the same reasons. The biggest beef I have with strip clubs is that, as a general rule in my life, I feel like if 1. There's a hot naked woman grinding on my crotch while she smiles at me and tells me how great she thinks I am, then 2. I SHOULD GET TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. Somehow, men have been fooled by the first part into letting the woman abdicate her role in the second part. And you have to pay her not to do it! Honestly, this situation has happened to me outside a strip club -- where a hot naked chick is lovin' me (numerous times, I swear!) -- but the big reason why that's an awesome thing when it happens is that very soon after, I know I will be having sex with her.

Other things that suck about strip clubs include:

• The enormous ATM fees are laughable. You can be charged $20 just to take out $40. What?
  
• The cover charges at half the decent places can run you up to $50, then you have the $20 coat check, then the whole drinks-cost-more-than-your-hotel-minibar thing.
• In New York -- and many other states -- most strip clubs aren't fully nude because that means they can't serve alcohol. I went into one club on 8th Avenue (again while "researching") that we chose because it was fully nude. It also had a two-drink minimum, which meant that as I watched a bunch of subpar-looking girls who were subpar dancers, I had to buy two $8 cokes (plus tip). And if you do want to drink, then you're looking at places like Scores and the Hustler Club, which will certainly charge the outrageous bullshit fees I mentioned above -- just so you can see chicks still wearing their fucking underwear.

I know a lot of these complaints are money-related, but I still feel like even if I was a bit more loaded than my poor ass is, I would still be most concerned with my first point -- the part about me having sex with girls who do things like that to me.

So in conclusion, I'm not sure I want to deal with the Vegas strip clubs, because a large majority of prior experience leads me to believe I will have a bad time there. If any of you who have been to Vegas know of a cool, fun club where I might enjoy myself, I'd love to hear about it, as my judgment while there will certainly be suspect, and it's not exactly unimaginable that I might somehow end up at one. But if I do, I'd like to be able to suggest a cool one beforehand.

Any other cool spots to go in Vegas would be great to hear as well.

And finally, since "Vegas" is (totally inappropriately) one small letter away from "vegans," I figured I'd put up a pic of what, or should I say "who," I'm having for dinner tonight:

I Don't Want To Hear About Non-Essential Organs

What is this ridiculousness about non-essential organs? How is it that they can take an organ from your body and then you just go about your business? That motherfucker is there for a purpose. You want to remove my spleen? Hell to the no. I need my spleen. What's going to do the spleening if you take away my spleen? (Lucy, you got some spleening to do.) You want my gall bladder? Hell to the hell to the hell to the no. I need a bladder for all that gall I've built up. Where else am I gonna keep it? It's like, damn, I know I don't necessarily *need* the cup holder in my car to get from place to place, but shit, I need that cup holder.

Seriously though. The spleen serves a purpose. It filters stuff out of the blood and helps to fight infections. How does your blood get filtered if you don't have a spleen? Your gall bladder also serves a function. It stores the bile that your liver produces until you eat something. Then it shoots the bile in there and aids in digestion. How does that happen if you don't have one? How can these organs be non-essential.

I'm not talking appendix here. That thing literally does nothing and is just in the way. Interesting side note, smaller mammals like rabbits and such actually still have functioning appendices that help to digest cellulose. So it's just a vestige of back when we were herbivores. And humans can't digest cellulose, so the appendix clearly does nothing. So now it's useless, suck on that shit vegans. (This last sentence was unnecessary, except that we agreed this was a vegan bashing blog.)

Chew On This Shit, Vegans

I was watching a documentary on early humans on the Discovery HD channel. The Discovery channel is cool, but the Discovery Channel in High Definition is amazing. Especially the underwater shows. Blue Realm, Into The Deep, I think those are titles of shows on the Discovery Channel about diving and the ocean and crap.

Anyway, here's my point. Throughout history there have been roughly 20 species of hominids, all of which have died out except for one, homo sapiens. At some point our great grandfathers or something were little ape men with hairy butts and abnormally large brains. Then we evolved into the brilliant species that rules the world today and does smart shit like making sweaters for dogs and creating West Virginia. The other species of humans were essentially herbivores and survived by eating grass or wheat germ or some such thing, and homo sapiens evolved eventually into an omnivore, and more importantly, a carnivore. The consensus that this particular documentary reached was that the reason humans became the world's dominant species and evolved such enormous brains capable or reasoning nad abstract thought and writing poetry is because they became carnivores.

Hunting for lettuce isn't all that complicated, but in the winter you're fucked. Hunting for pigs or cows or whatever those dudes ate is much more complex, especially for a relatively wimpy animal with small teeth, poor vision, a terrible sense of smell, and poor running skills. The fact that they had to figure out how to catch and eat meat is what allowed the human brain to evolve into what it is today.

So, vegetarians, you are selling out on your species. Are you too good for your species? I want you all to go out to dinner tonight, have a steak, and think about how goddamned smart you are.

Things I Like and Hate

This being quite a young blog at the moment, I figured I'd make lists of Things I Like and Things I Hate, to help our darling readers get to know their Open Bar a bit better.

We'll start off with the things that I like, since I'm an optimist.

(In no particular order)

1. Whiskey. Scotch, bourbon, Irish, and rye--and in that order.

2. Beer. Favorite imports: Carlsberg and Guinness. Domestic: Miller High Life (bottles only) and PBR. And don't give me any shit about either of those beers. High Life and PBR taste better than your shitty Sam Adams Summer Brew and gay-as-hell Magic Hat #9. Order that crap around me and it will have urine in it by the time you're back from the bathroom.
3. Tits. (left)
4. America. Freedom is cool. So are flag bikinis.
5. The New York Mets. How the hell we lost to the Cardinals in last year's NLCS, I don't know. But I'm pretty sure I saw Jeff Suppan and Tony LaRussa hangin' out with Kenny Rogers, Pete Rose, and all those guys on the 1919 Chicago White Sox at a bar last time I was in St. Louis. Oh wait, I've never been to St. Louis. Thank God.
6. The New York Giants. Big Blue, baby.
7. New York. As I said in my profile, yes I do firmly believe that living in New York makes me better than you. If you also live in New York, I'm better because I can drink more than you; but if you don't live in the center of the universe, you're helpless, like a little baby gazelle whose mom just got eaten by lions.
8. Steak. T-Bones and Porterhouses in particular.
9. Hunting. I've never been, but guns and using them to kill mindless animals sounds like great fun. It's healthy too. That's why vegans always look like they're about to faint and smell like two-day-old soup.
10. Open bars. I'm late for nearly everything. But never--NEVER--for free alcohol. And yes, I even named myself after this heavenly concept.
11. Back to the Future. The best movie of all time. I'll be certain to write a detailed post about why this is true and why only nerds, conformists and Film Study majors always respond, "Citizen Kane! Citizen Kane!" Wanna know one clear-cut reason Back to the Future is better? It's in color.
12. Chicks wearing sports jerseys. I don't know why this is so hot, but anytime I see a girl with a jersey on, I get aroused. (Unless it's a yankee jersey. If that's the case, she might as well weigh 850 lbs, be covered in pus-leaking boils, and like Dave Matthews.) And if any of you bastards think there's anything gay about that, you can save it, because you know you agree with me.


Things I Hate:

1. Hangovers. Why must there be this hideous yang to drinking's glorious yin?
2. The New York yankees. I'm a Mets fan, which should be enough for you. But if you need more, George Steinbrenner comes in a close second to Osama bin Laden for "Man I'd Most Like to Rape."


3. yankee fans. yankee fans don't know shit about baseball. All they ever say is "We won 26 World Series!" No, "you" didn't win shit. I was in yankee Stadium once for a yankee-Red Sox game, sitting in the upper deck, and my buddy challenged our entire section to name who played shortstop before Derek Jeter. This is because 99 percent of people claiming to be yankee fans are bandwagon fans and don't know a thing prior to the Jeter era. He even held up a $5 bill, offering it to anyone who knew. It took a good five minutes before one of those idiots figured out how to use his Blackberry and Googled it and got the answer right. To sum up, yankee fans are all a bunch of moronic, unreasonably arrogant, mildly-to-utterly retarded atheists who deserve neither sympathy nor politeness. If you see one, it is morally acceptable to throw sizzling porkfat on him. If it's a girl, you may hit her. I generally don't support women-beating, but if the girl likes the yankees, then yes, she's "asking for it."
4. Philadelphia. God, what an awful city. It's ugly. It smells. The famous monument there, the Liberty Bell? Broken. How about the Statue of Liberty? Intact. The Golden Gate Bridge? Driveable. Liberty Bell? DOESN'T RING. And don't get me started on the people who live there.

"One of these is not like the others!"

5. Philadelphia Eagles fans. These guys almost make yankee fans look good. A bunch of unemployed, uneducated, drunk-on-two-beers, would-fight-the-mirror-if-it-didn't-cut-their-hand-every-time-they-try, castrated fat people. Vehicular homicide should be legal outside Eagles games. If al-Qaeda does strike us again, I hope it's a giant dirty bomb in Philadelphia.
6. Vegans. Eat a fucking pork chop, you sissy. "Would you eat that cow if you knew it had a name?" Hell yes, and you tasted great, Thomas.
7. PETA. If there is an organization more deserving of a vagina for a logo, I can't think of it.
8. Girls who tell their boyfriends "I'm late." I know too many girls who have done this strictly to make their boyfriends sweat. Any girl that does this deserves a monthlong case of severe blue ovaries.
9. Scott Spiezio. (left) Would someone please rip out that retarded soul patch!
10. Bouncers. There is no more arrogant creature on this planet than the New York City bar bouncer. These blockheads think that just because their skill set involves "being born large" and "able to interpret numbers on licenses" that somehow they are superior. Anytime I see a fight in a bar, I root against the bouncer. In fact, I hope he falls on a broken bottle.
11. Teetotallers. People who don't drink cannot be trusted.

Okay, thanks for reading, and you can buy me a beer anytime.