A Douche, a Whole Douche, and Nothing But a Douche

It is a little known fact that I went to law school. While I was in law school, we learned some very arcane rules that most people have probably never heard of, like . . . oh, I don't know . . . you can't lie to Congress when you are under oath. It's called perjury.

As Open Bar put it, it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

Yes, it is true, this man has no dick.

Somewhere, Mike Piazza is smiling.

Have fun in the slammer, ass.

Dear Bud Selig, You Dirty Two-Faced Motherfucker

This motherfucker Bug Selig is talking about how A-Rod brought shame to the game of baseball and about how he is contemplating some sort of disciplinary action against him and how he's thinking about reinstating Hank Aaron's home run record when we all know that the worst person in this whole affair is not A-Rod, not Barry Bonds, not Roger Clemens, not even Don Fehr (oh you're next motherfucker), but Bud Selig himself.

I cannot believe the nerve of this fucking ass clown who oversaw the expansion of the drug culture in baseball, did nothing about it, fought Congress to keep them from holding hearings, worked with the union to find the easiest way to cover up their transgressions, and tacitly approved of Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa shooting each other up at home plate during the 7th inning stretch at Wrigley Field while Harry Caray sang his heart out. This simple minded motherfucker has known since 2003 that Alex Rodriguez had tested positive for steroids. Six years those test results sat on his desk and he was giving out awards and watching games, saying nothing when A-Rod won 3 MVP awards since then, and then because some overzealous reporter and whichever government agency continues to leak like a sieve plucked one name from the list now he wants to threaten some kind of repercussions. What about those other hundred odd gies who's names are still sitting sealed on your desk you combover Skeletor looking cocksucker?

In summary, Bud Selig is an asshole, a liar, a pawn for the players' union, has no real power in baseball, a poor excuse even for a figurehead, a dirty motherfucker, and a pretentious cock. Why he is still the commissioner is beyond me.

PS - What the fuck was Buck Showalter doing in Texas at the turn of the millenium? He was the manager/GM and oversaw the careers of A-Rod, I-Rod, Juan Gonzalez, Rafael Palmeiro, and Ken Caminiti (in 2001). And those are just the guys who I'm 99% certain were using steroids at the time. Who knows about guys like Ruben Sierra and Kenny Rogers?

Fatboy was a cheater

While I'm sure there is still much more to learn and interpret about the George Mitchell report on steroids in baseball, I feel a blogger's obligation to draw an instant conclusion.

Aside from Barry Bonds, whose steroid exploits have been well documented and covered, the biggest name in the report has to be Roger Clemens. Though rumors had surfaced previously about his possible usage, today's report gives us many more details on what may or may not have happened.

However, upon reading in the report, Clemens allegedly got back into using steroids during the latter half of the 2000 season.

During that period, Clemens threw at Mike Piazza's head (just a box score, not a video, but you remember it). Then, in the World Series, he picked up Piazza's broken bat and threw it at him, later claiming (pathetically and illogically) that he thought it was the ball. (I looked for a video link, but MLB has apparently been very thorough in removing it from the Internet. If you find one, let me know.)

If those two incidents don't perfectly define "roid rage," then I don't know what can.

Roger Clemens was a cheater.

Dear Mets Fans,

For those of you who are going to boo Barry Bonds at Shea Stadium this week for cheapening the game and cheating to break records, I sincerely hope you will take the time out of your booing Barry to boo just as vociferously for Guillermo Mota, who coincidentally comes off of his 50 game suspension for steroid use, during this series as well. I know Mets fans are the smarter fans in New York on average, and I know you are not just bandwagon booers. Cheating is cheating, and I hope you will recognize that.

Love,
ChuckJerry