To Live, Nay, To Blog

Happy birthday, LJT. Sorry I missed the party. It's just that, you know, JC is so far.

Old Reliable

Well, at least they're consistent!

The Gambino Crime Family.....oops, sorry, the MTA is letting everyone know that fare hikes are once again likely.

Once again they have been totally blindsided because they say they have collected about $900 millioin due to depressed tax revenues and another $149 million because of reduced state funds.

In case you're counting that's over $1 billion dollars of funds that they will not be receiving. And they didn't see it coming.

I know Side Bar disagrees and thinks that the MTA leadership is doing a bang-up job, but in my opinion these people are either criminals or just astoundingly incompetent. I guess they're just kind of incompetent criminals.

An Open Letter From The Knicks To Their Remaining Four Fans

Dear Our Fans,

Oh, hello. Frankly, we're surprised that there are any of you left.

What do we have to do? We've been irrelevant for a decade. We've had scandals, losing record and horrible personnel decisions.

We didn't get LeBron. Instead we signed Amare' Stoudemire along with his balky knee and fucked up eye. Well, him and three gies none of you have ever heard of.

We even traded your favorite player, David Lee.

Really guys, you're pathetic! Don't you have any self respect at all?

Ha! Just kidding, we don't think you do. We don't respect you either!

Seriously, here's the deal: fuck you.

Fuck you, bitches! We suck and we are going to continue to suck and there's nothing you can do about it!

Just to prove our point, we're going to kick you in the balls. Proverbially speaking, of course because it'd take too much effort for us to go kick all of you in the balls. Frankly, we don't think you have any balls anyway.

You're like the Tina Turner of basketballs fans. That would make us Ike, of course.

That's right, bitches, we just signed Isaiah Thomas as a consultant.

Yes, that Isaiah Thomas. The Isaiah Thomas who signed Eddie Curry. The Isiah Thomas who traded for Zach Randolph. The Isiah Thomas who got us dragged to court of sexual harassment. The Isaiah Thomas who OD'ed on sleeping pills and tried to make people think that his daughter was the one who OD'ed. The Isiah Thomas that ensured that we are going to suck for years and years and years. Yep, that one, bitch! How you like them apples?!

Now, he's just a consultant. Not a major role, that's true, but we think it's just enough to remind you that we don't give a fuck about you. Really, we don't.

We're not kidding.

Fuck you.

Love,

The Knicks

This Guy Really Likes Rainbows

King James Approximately

An Open Letter To Lebron James

Dear Lebron,

Sometime around the beginning of July you're going to decide on where to spend your basketball prime.

As someone who didn't go to college and, therefore, didn't get to go through the recruiting process you've been pretty openly looking forward to your summer of felation.

When we used to have a pro-basketball team in New York, I was a big fan and you're probably the only thing that could bring me back into the fold. I definitely want you to come to New York and I will cheer along as Donnie Walsh and Mike D'Antoni and whoever else kiss the royal behind.

Now, having said all that, I hope you don't mind me giving you some advice.

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Seriously.

You've been openly saying how much fun the summer is going to be. Flirting with New York. Saying Cleveland "has an edge". Talking about how you and all the free agents are going to strategize how to "make the league better". You even rocked a Yankees cap at a Indians-Yankees game. Don't tell me you didn't know everyone in Cleveland wasn't reading into that.

How about you shut the fuck up and get your dick sucked behind closed doors like a grown up?

You're teasing Cleveland and everyone else. You know what that makes you? It makes you a ho, Lebron. Yes it does.

And you know what? You haven't really done all that much yet. Of course for anyone else you've had a hell of a career. But you're not anyone else. If you don't win multiple championships, you're going to be seen as a failure. You showed no balls this post-season, so let's get off that high horse. You have a lot to prove if you're going to go down as a top five all time great. And with your talent, size, charisma and hype, anything short of that will make you a disappointment.

So let's be real here, you basically have three choices: Cleveland, Chicago & New York.

Cleveland sucks. It sucks as a place and the team sucks. Let's face it, you're not staying there. Especially after Delonte West banged your mom.

So your choices are either Chicago or New York.

Chicago has got the better team right now. Derek Rose is an excellent point guard, Joakim Noah is a good big man. Good talent base.

New York, is, well New York. Yeah they're a minor league team but they do have cap space and if you come it will make the Knicks a very attractive free agent destination. And if you win two or three championships in New York you can own the greatest city in the world forever. We're talking Mickey Mantle level idolatry here.

Maybe you go to a Miami or even Brooklyn but I doubt it.

In any case, enjoy the wining. Enjoy the dining. Hell, enjoy the cheerleader filled orgies I'm sure these teams have lined up for you. But, please, for your own sake. Stop being such a tease.

Sincerely,

The Notorious LJT

The Dude Abides

I can't name many of Jeff Bridges' movies and I don't seem to remember him being in the "great actors of his generation" class before the last few months but based on his role on as The Dude alone, I was happy to see Mr. Bridges take home the Oscar for best actor tonight.

He also just seems like a nice guy.

The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that.

The Girls Look So Good....

Oh, Chi Ali, we hardly knew thee....

Age Ain't Nothin' but a Number was a nice little hit for the Black Sheep sidekick back in 1992. I must, say, it is quite the catchy little song.

In it, Chi attempts to debunk the age old myth that maturity is linked to age. Instead, purports Mr. Ali, maturity is an attained by everyone at their own pace. Age, in fact, is nothing but a number.

Curiously, however, right out of the box, Ali seems to link maturity to age. He discourages girls from excessive hookups while they're still too young to handle sexually charged relationships and advises them that he will wait until they're a bit older and, yes more mature, to hook up with them. And lest they think that just being older and more mature will enable them to diss the young superstar, beware, as he will play them for sure.

In the second verse, Ali dismisses a girl out of hand as she is merely 13 years old - Ali would have 15 or 16 at the time, having been born in 1976. Ali is hitting on the girl and threatening to "snuff" her boyfriend the next time he's feeling tough but upon hearing that she is only 13, he is audi. Her body is that of a young woman, but he advises her to take three years and call him in the morning when she is mentally ready to handle a man such as himself.

Finally, in the last verse, Chi seems to circle back to his original point. He hits on a 17 year old down in the village who recognizes him due to his rap-based fame. While she seems to be attracted to him, she is aware of his age and deems him too young for her. Oh, for shame, nameless hot 17 year old, for you have just proved yourself to be small minded and, thus, not worthy of our hero, Chi. While her body may that of a woman, perhaps even one of the flyest women in the world, mentally, alas, she is just a little girl.

So, ultimately, I think Ali's point is this: while older women should not look down upon him due to his relative youth, he may do so to younger women - but he does justify this by framing his prejudices as based in an almost paternalistic, well-intentioned way. He, however, is more than capable of taking care of himself and does not want to hear otherwise.

A valiant effort, yet it is this blogger's view that Chi leaves the philosophical waters of the link between age and maturity as murky as when he waded into them. But not without catchy song.

This is The Notorious LJT on Nervous Thursday and here's Chi Ali with "Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number".

Get Off My Shoes, Bitch

Happy Birthday, LJT. Thirty two years of misanthropy and still going strong.


I rock blazers with Birkenstocks

I Can't Find Shit in Duane Reade

Today on my way home, I need to stop off at Duane Reade here in Journal Square. And so I did and as I wandered about, I was thinking how I can never find shit in Duane Reade or CVS for that matter.

Now, first of all, I have become increasingly blind in recent years and usually I'm not wearing my glasses so I don't look at the signs hanging up. And even if I am wearing glasses, I generally don't look anyway. I don't know why, maybe it's like asking for directions or something.

Anyway, I have a really hard time navigating these stores. It just seems that things are in no logical order. I mean, toothpaste, facewash, body soap. Things of washing of any kind should all be together. And deodorant should be nearby. But it seems like these aisles are randomly interspersed throughout the store in no seemingly logical order. It drives me crazy and it seems like the order is different in every store. I then become determined to find shit without "cheating" and looking at the signs. If it gets to be mad long, I'll read the signs but I try not to.

the knicks make a trade at the deadline

this post is written with no capital letters on purpose, to show my lack of enthusiasm or faith in the knicks.

i haven't even acknowledged our junior varsity team since this post two and a half years ago but today the ny knickerbockers traded jared jeffries and got back tracy mcgrady in return. it was a three way trade, i think.

anyway, it seems like a good deal - we get to see if t-mac, whose contract expires this year, has anything left in the tank while getting rid of one of isiah's overpriced signings at the same time. plus, if mcgrady is any good and resigns it helps their chances of getting lebron and another good player - which is really the only chance of restoring legitimacy to this awful franchise.

Seizing the Opportunity to Blow It

The Associated Press just called the Massachusetts special election for Scott Brown over Martha Coakley and, by doing so, just made the passing of a healthcare reform bill incredibly more difficult.

First, let's sit back and soak in the irony. Not only is Mass. super democratic but it was Mr. Healthcare's seat itself that was just lost to a Republican promising to be the 41st vote against healthcare reform.

For the love of all that is holy, Democrats, what is fucking wrong with you people? You spent years winning back the Senate, House and Presidency and now, having scored the tying touchdown you missed the extra point? Really?

Where to even start handing out blame?

First to Ms. Coakley. Wow, you really suck. This was the gimme of all gimmes. Maybe you shouldn't have taken a month and a half off? Maybe you shouldn't have just assumed you'd win, just because you're dope (which, apparently, you are not)? Maybe you shouldn't have said that Curt Schilling was a Yankee fan? You and you're people are already starting to blame the White House and everyone else. Do us all a favor. Go get a gun, load it, put the barrel in your mouth and pulling the fucking trigger 'til it goes click.

Barack, Barack, Barack - what the fuck, man? Where were you? Where was Rahm? Axelrod? Biden? Anyone, anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Where was the national democratic party leadership? Bums, morons.....

Astounding.

By the way, Rachel Maddow, the smug, snarky know it-all pundit on MSNBC is on television right now and she's more flustered than an 8 year old girl that just had her birthday party cancelled. Oh, and Keith Olberman is just an asshole.

Now, the whole healthcare thing isn't over yet, I don't think.

From what I understand, the democrats have a few options:

• Convince the House to pass the Senate Bill as is (in which case it isn't fillibusterable in the Senate and, thus, only 51 votes are needed to pass it).
• Work to get Olympia Snowe back on board. I'm not sure exactly what that would entail or how hard that would be. I'm guessing, pretty hard.
• Rush forward and vote before Brown becomes a Senator - which would look pretty bad.
• Do this whole reconciliation thing which, I think, only requires 51 votes anyway. This, though, makes it just a budgetary measure, which means it's much more limited in scope (no banning the exclusion of pre-existing conditions, etc.)
• Blow up the filibuster. Which may sound OK to some but I have to think about this one. Unintended consequences, anyone?
  

It would seem passing the Senate Bill is the best option, or at least that seems to be what all the talking heads would say.

It's just amazing to me how the democratic party just can't get their shit together.

More Jersey Shore

I just don't get tired of these people.

Pauly D, The Situation (which continues its reign as the greatest nickname ever, by the way) and Snooki, whom I love, seem to be out promoting this show and themselves all over the place. Yet, Ronnie, J-Woww and Sammi Sweetheart and nowhere to be found - what's up with that?

These people aren't terribly funny or intelligent and yet, I find them so entertaining.

Below, Pauly, Sitch and Snookers reenact the three wisemen's visit to see the Baby Jesus.

I'm On Board With Full Body Scans

Hey now!

Last week some Nigerian fucker tried to blow up a plane in Detroit.

He didn't get the explosion he was looking for the first time around and instead only lit his pants on fire.

Now, this guy decided for some reason that it was best to blow up the plane not from the bathroom but from like row 15, seat A - thus drawing the attention of his fellow passengers who jumped on him and stopped him from getting a do-over.

This is now, including the shoe bomber, the second gie that tried to blow himself up with explosive chemicals they smuggled onto airplanes.

Had either succeeded, people would be going nuts but since they didn't we're all take a very blase' attitude toward this shit.

I'd put this in the 'shit we need to deal with right away category' and the thing is we have a way to deal with it.

Full Body Scan machines are essentially an x-ray through your clothes that can detect things like, oh-I-don't-know, explosive being smuggled onto a plane in order to kill everyone on board.

Yet, it seems these haven't been deployed in all airports because they are, one - too expensive and, two - too invasive.

First, I will respond to those who complain that it would be too expensive. We are spending trillions of dollars to invade foreign countries to kill mad people and build democracies all in the name of stopping Islamic terrorists from blowing up planes. This would be maybe a couple hundred million dollars. Sounds pretty cost effective to me.

Second, to you, the ACLU and privacy worriers who are concerned about full body scans cramping their style. Fucking blow me. Stop bitching. You know what I'd consider invasive? Being blown to pieces landing at Liberty International Airport.

Yeah, so someone you will never know will see you naked but they'll also see the explosive that terrorist is going to use to kill you.

I'm OK with that trade.

Beatles Friday: Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from all of us here at Wheeeeeeeeeeeeere's Luke!

(Actually a Lennon solo but whatever.)

It's That Time of Year Again

Ah, the end of December.

Christmas trees, Menorahs, figuring out New Years plans (if anyone has anything to do, by the way, please feel free to invite me because I don't have shit to do) and.....that's right, you guessed it! The MTA getting a big, fat hard-on, bending New York City public transportation users right over and fucking them. No vaseline, either.

Every year this happens.

Usually, they are upping the fares. I suppose this year, in a nod to the financial pain of New Yorkers due to The Great Recession, they're merely cutting services - although a previously scheduled 7.5% increase will take place in June

The New York Times reports, "The cuts would create more crowding on subways and buses, reduce frequency during weekends, late nights and weekday afternoons, and wholly eliminate two minor subway lines, the W and the Z. Service on dozens of bus lines would be reduced or ended, and disabled riders would find it more difficult to get around."

Additionally, the Metropolitan Grinch Authority plans to cut the free fares received by over 500,000 students.

These cuts don't affect me all that much, as I ride the PATH rather than NYC subways but, seriously, what the fuck?

It's like clockwork, every year the MTA is blindsided by a budget shortfall and either increases fares or decreases service or both. How is that possible?

Also, how does the media not expose this? From the same times report, "Nearly every bus, subway and commuter rail rider in New York stands to be affected by a punishing slate of service cuts that was approved on Wednesday by the Metropolitan Transportation Authority, which is struggling to fill a sudden financial shortfall of more than $400 million."

Sudden? Really?

Merriam-Webster defines sudden as:

• 1 a : happening or coming unexpectedly b : changing angle or character all at once
• 2 : marked by or manifesting abruptness or haste
• 3 : made or brought about in a short time

This is about as sudden as Saturday Night Live coming on at 11:30 tonight or the five o'clock news unexpectedly popping on the TV screen at five o'clock, or it being hot in July.

How can the MTA claim to be broke and claim they never saw it coming each and every year?

I mean, is it just run by wildly incompetent people or are they just incredibly corrupt? It has to be one of the two, right?

The MTA board seems to always blame the state but I feel like the details are always mad fuzzy. And why would the state run NYC transportation?

What am I missing because my conclusion is that it's all just a big racket and the MTA is essentially a sixth crime family in NYC that everyone, including newspapers who are clearly on the payroll, pretends is a legitimate public benefit corporation.

Beatles Friday: Why Don't We Do It in the Road?

This is a lesser known but still dope song.

Only two Beatoos are on the track with Ringo on drums and handclaps and Paul on lead guitar, bass and vocals.

Here's something I bet you didn't know: it's about monkeys fucking.

Said Sir Paul:

A male [monkey] just hopped on the back of this female and gave her one, as they say in the vernacular. Within two or three seconds he hopped off again and looked around as if to say, ‘It wasn't me,’ and she looked around as if there'd been some mild disturbance ... And I thought ... that's how simple the act of procreation is ... We have horrendous problems with it, and yet animals don't.

Colbert State of Mind

Props to EMT for sending this to me.

Viacom has blocked the video but listen to the audio. Video has been fixed. You're friggin' welcome.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind (Part II) Broken Down
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor U.S. Speedskating

An Open Letter to David Gregory

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

David,

I've been an avid Meet The Press watcher for roughly seven years now.

I started to watch this institution of a TV show while it was under the care of your predecessor, the late great Tim Russert.

What made Tim so great was that he was uber-prepared. He asked tough questions and he let people answer those tough questions. If they didn't have an answer or their answer was bullshit, he stood back and let them make an asshole out of themselves.

I also enjoyed when he read a five page excerpt from some article and would get half the words wrong.

You are now the host of the show and I have to tell you, Dave, you're fucking it up.

You are the moderator and, so, your job is to moderate - not to be the focal point all the time. You're not a White House correspondent anymore.

I get it, you do your homework. That's great.

Yes, your guests bullshit and contradict themselves - they are politicians.

You hardly let them get a word out of their mouth before you start to cut them off to point out what hypocritical assholes they are.

Please give us, your viewers, some credit. We know if someone is dodging your question or bullshitting. You can ask tough questions and follow up if they don't truly answer without sounding like a kid crying to mom that their older brother is picking on them.

I know you think you are being a journalist, but really you're just being a fucking whiny bitch.

Please calm the fuck down, you're ruining a formerly great show.

Sincerely,

The Notorious LJT

Prince is Weird, Just Ask Kevin Smith

I've never been a huge Prince fan, although I can appreciate his music.

One time during my sophomore week in college, "Kiss" held the coveted song of the week spot - much to the chagrin of my neighbors who apparently didn't understand that it had to be blasted multiple times in a row at full volume.

In any case, Bill Simmons a/k/a ESPN's Sports Guy was talking about him on a podcast a few months ago and he and his buddy Jack-O were saying how amazing of a guitarist he was. I had never thought of Prince as a tremendous guitarist as much as a little weird man that dressed in women's clothes and who wrote some dope pop songs.

But, some googling appears to confirm that he is a pretty amazing guitarist.

The clip below is a tribute to George Harrison at The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Watch the clip. This could be the greatest guitar solo ever. Also, watch Dhani Harrison's (he's the one who looks exactly like his father, George Harrison) face when Prince falls backwards off the stage. Amongst the band member's are Tom Petty, Jeff Lynne and some other guy who I assume is a famour musician (but obviously not that famous since I don't know who he is). Prince destroys all of them. They're not in the same ballpark, it's not even the same fucking sport. The solo starts at 3:31 if you're too impatient to watch the whole thing.



Anyway, this clip inspired more googling and I came across this very bizarre story about him on YouTube.

Basically, Kevin Smith (of Chasing Amy, Mall Rats & Clerks fame) tells this story how he tried to get Prince to OK his using of one of his songs in an upcoming movie. Prince won't let him use the Prince version but invites him to Minnesota to film a documentary. Kevin Smith goes and bizarness ensues. (It takes a while but it is a hell of a story.)

Beatles Friday: You Know My Name (Look Up the Number)

One of the most unusual and least known songs in the Beatles catalogue is "You Know My Name (Look Up the Number), released as a "B" side to one of their best known songs, "Let It Be".

It is delightful in its silliness.

They began to record it in 1967 but did not complete it until 1969 and it features Brian Jones, of the Rolling Stones on saxaphone.

John Lennon got the title off of a phone book slogan and worked the eight words into a great little song.

Paul said of it, "John Lennon turned up at the studio and said, 'I've got a new song'. I said, 'What's the words?' and he replied 'You know my name look up the number'. I asked, 'What's the rest of it?' 'No, no other words, those are the words. And I want to do it like a mantra!'"

The song goes through five sections, each of which get progressively more bizarre: first is a rocking group singalong, followed by a kind of reggae beat section, then a cheesy lounge singer type thing, then what can best described as a bunch of muppets talking and, finally, a couple of unintelligible old British guy mumbling to a jazzy tune.

Enjoy!