Mets vs. Dodgers Game 5 Is Not "deGrom vs. Greinke" Because Pitchers Don't Face Pitchers, Duh

Mets vs. Dodgers.

New York vs. Los Angeles.

The Big Apple vs. Hollywood.

Good vs. Evil.

deGrom vs. Greinke.

Wait. Stop. One thing NLDS Game 5 isn't is Jacob deGrom vs. Zack Greinke. That is not how baseball works. Baseball is quite literally never pitcher-vs.-pitcher because that would be two people throwing baseballs at each other, which may be amusing, but hasn't happened since Frank Drebin got caught in a rundown with the second-base ump:

The 2011 Mets

The Mets are 2-1, making it one day they are over .500 for the season. They head into Philadelphia next, so let's enjoy this time as a winning team. More important, however is this observation.

Terry Collins, new Mets manager, bears a striking resemblance to officer Santangelo from The Wire. Santangelo was the dude who tried to throw himself down the stairs to get disability and then the guy who refused to sell out McNulty in the first season once the case got legs so was relegated back to a beat cop. For the remainder of his tenure, Terry Collins and Officer Santangelo will be interchangable. That is all.

Please no Rick Sutcliffe now, OK?

"Sutcliffe's: Only the finest in animal fur wigs."

(I was gonna put this in a comment to Chuck's earlier Joe Morgan obit, but then it got too long and hey, I haven't posted anything in like a year [Is LJT alive, btw?], so anyway, here we are. Oh look, a miniature giraffe. Opulence, I has it.)

Now we get to wait and see who ESPN will choose as the new Joe Morgan and Jon Miller. ESPN has a quite an up-and-down record when it comes to these things, embodied rather well by the broadcast team it now seeks to replace. Jon Miller was quite good. (Even though it delights me never to hear him pronounce Carlos Beltran's name again. It's not tough. "Carlos Beltran." That's all. It's not "Carlos belTRANG", for fuck's sake.) Joe Morgan, though, *shudder*. Elsewhere on ESPN, you've got the Monday Night Football team, with Mike Tirico (awesome), Ron Jaworski (excellent), and Jon Gruden (who fingerbangs babies). MNF at one point also cast Tony Kornheiser, who seems nice enough but was a terrible color guy. At one point MNF also had probably the worst football analyst ever (worse, I'd say, than even Phil Simms, in all his constantly-pointing-out-the-super-obvious-ness): Joe Theismann.

So who knows. Maybe they'll be smart and let Orel Hersheiser take over as analyst. He was in the booth a lot this year with Jon and Joe, so that seems like a good bet. But there's a chance that ESPN will inflict the odious Rick Sutcliffe on us, who in many ways is like the Phil Simms of baseball broadcasters. He actively avoids saying anything remotely close to controversial or contrary to baseball's conventional wisdom, refusing to offer any opinions or insights that haven't already been repeated ad nauseam. Things like, "This guy used to just be a thrower. Now he's a pitcher." You hear shit like that all the time, and 83% of the time, Rick Sutcliffe said it. "This is a guy you want on your team. He just wants to win, and his teammates know it." Who the fuck doesn't want to win, jerkdick? And I put that stuff in italics because when he says it, he really emphasizes it, like he's imparting this pearl of condensed brilliance onto his listeners.

Anyway, speaking of Tim McCarver (referring back to this), I like to take any opportunity to post my favorite short radio play of all time, by (of course) Mr. Ken Tremendous himself. It stars ol' Timmy and Joe Buck, discussing the value of intangibles on your baseball team -- in this case, ardor (which we all know isn't nearly as important as getting your uniform dirty, grit, scrappiness, scrappy grittiness, grappiness, and being a "gamer"). Anyway, here:

Joe Buck: Well, Tim, you have to like the Red Sox' starting pitching and bullpen, but how do you feel about their ardor?

Tim McCarver: Ardor is a funny thing, Joe. It's like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said about pornography: "I know it when I see it." And with these Red Sox, I just don't see it.

JB: How do you know it when you see it, Tim?

TM: For me, it's when you see the dick going in.

(ten minutes of silence)

TM: Oh. I see. You were talking about ardor.

Fin.

You Happy Now, Ken Tremendous?

Jon Miller and Joe Morgan are no more. Neither one of them will be returning next season on ESPN Sunday Night Baseball. And it only took 21 years of criticism. To be honest with you, I didn't hate Jon Miller. It's possible he'll still do the weekly radio broadcasts of the game, in case you need to hear him.

It was time to move on because Joe Morgan's VORP was way down. See what I did there? That was a sabermetrics joke. I also considered, "Morgan is being replaced by Bobby Valentine, whose OPS is much higher over the last 3 seasons.", but figured the VORP one was more esoteric and, therefore, more desirable.

PS - I think esoteric is a good word. And when used in conjunction with "plebian" makes for some good old fashined condescension. Like, Side Bar levels of condescension.

A Douche, a Whole Douche, and Nothing But a Douche

It is a little known fact that I went to law school. While I was in law school, we learned some very arcane rules that most people have probably never heard of, like . . . oh, I don't know . . . you can't lie to Congress when you are under oath. It's called perjury.

As Open Bar put it, it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

Yes, it is true, this man has no dick.

Somewhere, Mike Piazza is smiling.

Have fun in the slammer, ass.

Wait Until Next Year, Again

We write a lot about the Mets on this blog. We might even risk alienating a few of our readers by consistently harping on, complaining about and ridiculing our beloved team. And so, for those of you who would prefer to read about something - anything - other than the Mets (or just like looking at pictures of our spokesmodel, I have good news: the 2010 Mets' season ended last night. (And don't worry. Even though the Mets put together a nice win today, after I had drafted this essay but before I could post it, it doesn't change anything. Call it a dead cat bounce).

The fourth place Mets (yep, fourth) lost a heartbreaker by the score of 6-2 to the Rockies on Wednesday night, despite holding a 2-1 lead going into the top of the eighth inning. In that frame, with two outs and the bases loaded, manager Jerry Manuel opted to let his best pitcher idle in the bullpen so that Manny Acosta (I have no idea) could hang a slider to light-hitting (at least when he's not on steroids) Melvin Mora. Mora promptly added his name to the list of ballplayers who have hit grand slams off of the Mets this year, a list that now stands at nine. The Rockies added one more run for good measure, and the impotent Mets couldn't mount a challenge in the last two innings.

On July 1, the Mets were 44-34, just a game and a half behind the Braves for the division lead. Since then, the Mets have gone 13-23, falling to fourth place, and are now nine games out of first. David Wright can’t hit (0-4 last night with four K's), Jose Reyes can't field (admitting that sometimes he gets bored in the field, and hey, you can't pay attention on every pitch, can you?), and the delusional Jeff Francoueur wants to be a traded to a team - presumably a major league team, but who knows - where he will play every day. And don’t forget the ineffective but still expensive Jason Bay, who was going to return from a belatedly diagnosed concussion "inside a week," and now may end up being sidelined for a month or more. Somewhere, Ryan Church is getting a mild headache and cursing this team.

Also, Johan Santana just might be a rapist (but probably not).

Yet the lackluster performance and disappointing result from last night's game aren't quite enough to pronounce the team legally dead. Not with these Mets. Because sure, miracles happen, right? A hot streak; the Braves collapse; Ryan Howard, Cole Hamels, Roy Halladay and Roy Oswalt all die in a tragic bass fishing accident . . . it's not over until they are technically eliminated, right?

Wrong.

With this team, you can always just sort of tell. When there is that little something extra, usually something off of the field, that's how you know that it is time to go buy an NFL preview magazine. Think Tom Glavine getting his teeth knocked out in a taxi, Mike Piazza having to hold a press conference to deny that he is gay, or David Cone doing that thing in the bullpen that time.

And so it was yesterday when, in addition to losing, the Mets provided another installment in their annual soap opera. First, as noted above, the morning news stories reported on a civil suit filed against Johan Santana by a Florida woman who claims that he raped her. In Johan's defense, the criminal investigation went nowhere for lack of any credible evidence, but it is a distraction nonetheless. Then, not to be outdone, Frankie Rodriguez - the team's effective but occasionally erratic closer - got into a fistfight with his father-in-law after last night's game. K-Rod (a more appropriate name in 2003 when he was really good) allegedly KO'ed his wife's dad (see what I did there?) and is going to face third degree criminal assault charges in Queens.

K-Rod has been good as a closer - in fact, he has been one of the better closers in baseball this year - but these are the shenanigans that befall the Mets every goddamned year. Some crazy, out-of-left-field (man I am killing it today), off-the-wall, bullshit that becomes a huge distraction, and scuttles any hope of just playing regular, winning baseball.

It has been a fun ride, and there have been some memorable moments in 2010 (not to mention hysterical texts from Open Bar), but like every Mets' season in history, save only two, it will end in disappointment. And it concludes with a familiar, hopeful phrase, but one that feels just a bit more desperate each time we have to say it:

Maybe next year.

When does football start?

Fuck the Mets.

Seriously, getting swept by the Diamondbacks?

I hate you all, Mets, but especially you, Jason Bay. And you, Frankie Rodriguez. And Oliver Perez, who, like a particularly inflamed herpes outbreak, returned last night. And Omar Minaya. And Mike Pelfrey. And Jeff Francouer. And especially, most especially, that sac-bunt-calling, Fernando Nieve-pitching manager made of equal parts misery and rape, Jerry Manuel.

Mark it down: This season is over. Our playoff chances are dead. Perhaps not mathematically, but here's where we stand:

• 3 games over .500 with 67 to play
• 6.5 games out of first
• 3.5 out of the wild card
• barely clinging to fifth in the wild-card race

Coming off of a sweep against the remarkably bad D-backs (24 games under .500 -- before playing the Mets), we head into these last 10 weeks of the season with:

• a bullpen that contains the aforementioned STD imitator Oliver "Fucking" Perez and several other shitty baseball-throwers who should not be getting paid to throw baseballs
  
• a starting rotation consisting of Johan Santana, a rookie, a 35-year-old knuckleballer and some pieces of rancid, floating debris
• a three-catcher rotation that, against all sense, continues to include Rod Barajas as one of its three parts
• a player impersonating Jason Bay -- in name, not baseball ability
  
• a position on the field that is played defended stood in by, at best, gimpy Luis Castillo or, sigh, Alex Cora, who hit a home run in Little League once. (Well, it was really one of those grounders to short which the shortstop overthrew to first, then the first basemen ran after it and then overthrew it to second, and by the time the fat, paste-eating kid in left field tracked it down, Cora was dusting himself off after sliding into third for some strange reason when his coach screamed "RUN!" so Alex did. The throw to home beat him by about 10 feet because even then lil' Alex's legs weren't made for "going fast," but luckily the catcher was a girl so she dropped it because girls can't play baseball. Anyway, the official scorer, who may have been Alex's dad, credited him with a "Home Run!!!" and even bought him some tasty French fries and soda pop afterward to celebrate. Good times.)

Despair and inevitability have finally assumed their proper places in the lives of Mets fans worldwide.

Of course, even the Mets (probably) can't manage to continue this awful version of baseball too much longer. During this recent 3-8 stretch, they haven't scored more than four runs once. But a lineup that looks like this:

1. Reyes
2. Pagan
3. Wright
4. Beltran
5. Davis
6. Bay
7. Thole
8. Castillo

will wind up scoring a decent amount, even if Jerry Manuel insists on giving away outs and runs willy-nilly by sacrifice bunting even though that's almost always a really stupid thing to do because -- surprise! -- outs are really valuable and you're way more likely to score runs if you let your major-league hitters hit and try to get on base and not make big-inning-killing outs instead.

I'm sure I'll keep watching, and while I watch my heart will defy all logic and reason and continue to believe we'll somehow find our way into the postseason. I will watch as Francisco Rodriguez adds to his already-miles-long list of ways to teach me new forms of heartbreak and suffering and homicidal rage. And while doing all this, I will drink, for that is what Mets fans must do to endure.

Anyways, so later tonight I'll be watching the Mets begin their four-game sweep at the hands of the Dodgers, splitting my time between frantically texting Side Bar in ALL CAPS (the font known as "Manuel") and cutting myself. Swing by if you can! (And bring bourbon.)

Fuck Frankie Rodriguez

The reason the Mets are not going to do anything other than sputter out by September is Frankie Rodriguez. At this point in his career he can throw five pitches:

1) a 56 foot curve ball
2) a 58 foot slider
3) a 57 foot change up
4) a 59 foot fastball
5) a fastball right over the plate

He yanks like 90% of his pitches straight into the ground. I could hit him at this point. Opposing batters need only wait for the one fastball he's gonna throw right down the middle and hit the snot out of it. The hitters who cannot do even that have the option of just taking the walk, which he will give as long as you don't swing.

I hate him and he sucks (mutually exclusive).

Fuck Me In The Goat Ass With A Goat Dick.

If you don't get the reference in the title, then I apologize for the vulgarity.

It is widely accepted in baseball that some calls are just accepted despite their incorrectness. Double plays where the shortstop never touches the bag. Caught stealings because the throw beat the runner even if the tag didn't. AND ALSO CLOSE PLAYS AT FIRST BASE WITH 8 AND 2/3 OF A PERFECT GAME GOING. I don't care if the guy was safe by half a step. You have got to call that guy out in that situation no matter what. Now the guy was clearly out, but for me, that's almost the secondary issue. Why in the world was the umpire even prepared to call him safe? I honestly had trouble sleeping last night because of this call. I was enraged at the audacity of this umpire to the extent that I was like tossing and turning.

Of the Mets, Nicknames, and Beltran . . . . F*cking Beltran

The following is an edited version of a discussion Open Bar and I had earlier today. As you can see, I am right and he is wrong. As usual.

Side Bar: god forgive me for saying this, but signing pedro after the all-star break could make a lot of sense for this team

Open Bar: not a bad idea; hell I'd trade Oliver Perez and John Maine right now for a bag of nails

Side Bar: it's too bad, because this is going to be a really good team 40% of the time (Santana and Prelf), a so-so team 20% of the time (Niese) and a shite team 40% of the time (Perez and Maine). If they could move the Perez or Maine spot out of the shite column and into the decent column, we'd have a shot at the playoffs.

Open Bar: and if my grandma had balls she'd be my grandpa; those two are just plain bad

Side Bar: yep

Open Bar: it's been the same shit for years, why should we expect anything different?

Side Bar: I was at the games last night -- Perez just totally stinks

Open Bar: painful to watch

Side Bar: And the problem with bumping Maine from the rotation in favor of Takahashi is that then you have 4 lefties in the rotation; that's trouble

Open Bar: I don't know about that

Side Bar: who, by the way, totally deserves to be starting on this team

Open Bar: it's quite clear he's better than those two shitheaps. I hate to bitch like this when we're doing well for once, but the future is staring us in the face. This team, as constructed, is not very good

Side Bar: other than 4 and 5 in the rotation, I disagree

Open Bar: Is Gary Matthews Jr. on the team?

Side Bar: bullpen is solid, just negligently overused (due, in equal parts, to Jerry Manuel and the fact that the starters can only go five innings at a time)

Open Bar: What about Frank Catalonotto?

Side Bar: ok, so you want to upgrade your role players a bit, fine, no argument from me, but that's on the fringes. The core of this team is very young and very good. Wright, Reyes, Davis, Frenchy (another walk yesterday!), Santana, Prelf . . . and then F Mart, Dillon Gee, etc.

Open Bar: the bullpen's OK, let's not get ahead of ourselves

Side Bar: they are overused; who is out there that you would replace the shitty bench players with?

Sheffield?

Open Bar: I would love to see Fernando (don't use FMart, please) and Tejada. And Josh Thole over your boy Blanco

Side Bar: you cannot bring up rookies unless you are going to play them every day; I think that is horrible for their development

Open Bar: ok, fair point

Side Bar: so yeah, if it's August and we are out of it, I agree 100%, bring up FMART and let Tejada get his feet wet at second base, but not before then.

I hope Beltran never puts on a Mets uniform again . . . I really cannot convey to you how much I hate that guy (though pagan has sucked it up lately).

Open Bar: I love how you hate our best player

Side Bar: how can he be our best player if he never plays; that is exactly why I hate him so much; he is soft; he is always hurt, and he puts himself ahead of the team; how can you possibly justify him having that surgery in January?

Open Bar: 2005: 151 games

2006: 140

2007: 144

2008: 161

Side Bar: 2009?

2010?

Open Bar: he got hurt last year, simple

Side Bar: also, why is 7 out of every 8 games impressive for "our best player"? Maybe if he had played 10 more games in 2007 they would have won the division, after all he is "our best player"

fuck him

I fucking hate him

Open Bar: 149 games a year average is more than 7 out of 8

Side Bar: but 140 out of 162 is not

Open Bar: everyone gets hurt from time to time

Side Bar: not me

Open Bar: what he shouldn't have done is come back last September for no reason; your "soft" player played even when he probably shouldn't have, which almost certainly led to his having to get surgery in Jan

Side Bar: He never wanted to come here, and it shows. I get the sabremetrics thing, I do. The Mets need to a better job of brining in guys on numbers, and not because Omar thinks "he's a solid guy."

But you can't completely discount personality, chemistry, and intangibles, either.

Open Bar: LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT GOES ON IN THE CLUBHOUSE

Side Bar: Beltran has no heart. He is a paycheck player.

Open Bar: proof? evidence of any kind?

Side Bar: My observations as a fan. I watch virtually every Mets game.

Open Bar: Do you also read his psychological reports?

Side Bar: Of course I cannot get inside his head, but I can compare his style, his demeanor, his quotes, and his attitude with what I observe of every other player.

Open Bar: Look, I hate his mole too

Side Bar: I can see him stealing third base when there is no reason whatsoever to do it.

Open Bar: I think you're being a bit unfair here

Side Bar: I can see him never, ever, ever get frustrated when he strikes out in a big spot, and I can compare that with the anguish on DW's face when he strikes out with men on base. I can see him talk shit about the fans, and refuse to take a curtain call until Julio Franco practically drags him out of the dugout to do it. I can see all the little things that he does and does not do, compare them to other players, and make a semi-informed judgment.

Open Bar: and I can see him gracefully patrol center field like no Met ever

Side Bar: fine; but I still hate him

Open Bar: I just don't know if all those subjective observations add up to enough to discount his objective performance

Side Bar: the fans love Reyes; LOVE him

why is that?

why do fans let Reyes off the hook for every mistake, but boo Beltran if he doubles instead of triples?

Because they are sheep? Yeah, sort of.

Open Bar: because he smiles a lot and has all those handshakes

Side Bar: But also because it is beyond question that he wants to play for the Mets, and is devastated when he cannot do it

Open Bar: and speaking of injury-prone

Side Bar: EXACTLY; that's the point

I see no evidence that Beltran wants anything out of the game than a paycheck, and it makes me crazy.

With Reyes, Santana, Wright, I see so much more, and that I why I fucking love those guys, and I will never give them shit when they struggle.

Open Bar: I understand what you're saying

Side Bar: Fine, Beltran is an incredibly talented player.

But the Yankees have proven that alone is not enough.

Open Bar: I guess I'm just not as personally offended by Beltran's demeanor

Side Bar: God damnit. Now you have me all worked up

I fucking hate him

Open Bar: when he comes back, the Mets will be a better team and win more games

if I want a more personal connection to a player, I have wright and Reyes

Side Bar: I never said he wasn't better than Pagan . . . I just do not like him.*


*Editor's Note: Between having this conversation and posting it, Angel Pagan has hit a two-run triple. Thus confirming without further need for debate or evidence of any kind that I am right.

I've always said the 2010 Mets were World Series-bound

Following yesterday's doubleheader sweep of the Dodgers, the New York Mets find themselves in ... first place?

EAST	W	L	PCT	GB	HOME	ROAD	RS	RA	DIFF	STRK	L10
NY Mets	12	9	.571	-	10-5	2-4	89	69	+20	Won 6	8-2
Philadelphia	11	9	.550	.5	3-3	8-6	107	84	+23	Lost 3	3-7
Florida	11	10	.524	1	5-4	6-6	102	97	+5	Lost 1	5-5
Washington	11	10	.524	1	7-6	4-4	90	105	-15	Won 1	5-5
Atlanta	8	12	.400	3.5	5-4	3-8	77	85	-8	Lost 7	2-8

What? How?

Easy answer: The Mets fucking rule shit and Phillies fans can all die in an earthquake.

Real answer: Thanks largely to some effective (and quite lucky) starting pitching lately, the National League team in NYC that actually pays Gary Matthews Jr. in exchange for baseball services has racked up eight wins in their last nine games, with a sweep of the Pope-defending Braves in the middle. Johan and Big Pelf have led the way, giving up one whole run between them in their last 46 innings.

This, obviously, cannot stand.

While 6 innings, 0 runs looks good in a box score, if you watched yesterday's game you know Johan wasn't really that great. It took him 115 pitches to get through those 6 innings against a miserable, Manny-less Dodgers offense. It took him 9 pitches to retire the opposing pitcher at one point. And what's up with this middling 89-90 mph fastball? Anyone who thinks that pitch is still gonna be gettin' fools out in August is plain dumb.

But the pitching overall has been pretty fantastic, with one major flaw. Here's how the Mets rank in several pitching categories:

• ERA: 3.11 -- 3rd
• runs allowed: 69 -- 3rd
• HR allowed: 11 -- 2nd
• strikeouts: 170 -- 1st
• walks: 106 -- 16th (out of 16)
  

Anything in particular jump out at you there?

Last night, for example, was some vintage Oliver Fucking Perez: more walks than innings pitched. In the earlier game, Johan walked three guys in his 39-pitch second inning -- the kind of inning every Mets pitcher seems to have had at least once in every game for the last three years.

What is the deal with the Mets and walks? Every year it's the same damn problem. Last year, the team had the second-most walks; the year before, the third-most; the year before that, the fifth-most. Someone again remind me why Omar gave Ollie 3 years / $36 million?

Anyway, things are going well now, so sorry about the bitching.

Oh, and one more thing: Will all you jerkstores immediately cease this booing of David Wright? Mets fans can be so retarded sometimes, it's infuriating. And why in fuck-all do people chant "Yankees suck" at Citi Field? That's just embarrassing. All those people should go visit Philly on Earthquake Day.

(concluding paragraph)

This Just In, National Televion, The Mets Suck

For Mets fans there is reason to at least be hopeful. Mike Pelfrey seems to be in the midst of recovering from his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad 2009 season. Johan has been good and so have, amazingly, John Niese and Oliver Perez (but he's just so day to day, I'll believe in his consistency in about 2 years). John Maine was not awful in his last start (if that's the barometer, then you know it's going bad, but still) and he says that he discovered a mechanical flaw that is residual compensation from his arm injury that he's in the process of working on. So long as the pitchers stay somewhat consistent and they can lean on Johan and the Prelf, the offense should be good enough to win them some games (not that it has, but it should).

They finally gave up on Mike "Fucking" Jacobs and brought up Ike Davis. (And frankly, if he hits even a little bit, I'm all for quitting this Daniel Murphy positioning experiment. Murphy is clearly only suited to play third base, just trade him for something, anything.) Jeff Franceoeuoeur has quadrupled his career walk total in these 15 games so far, and Jason Bay actually had an RBI the other day. Angel Pagan has finally started to play every day and he'll probably be good long enough for Beltran to come back.

The question, though, is who on Earth would want to watch the Mets play other than Mets fans? The Mets played three consecutive games on national television last weekend. They were on the Fox national broadcast (which turned out to be a great game in fairness), then the next day they were on Sunday night baseball, and then the next day after that they were on Monday night baseball. I wonder when was the last time Gary Cohen had two whole days off during the season? (The Monday game was on both ESPN and SNY.) And then they are scheduled for a second week in a row to be on Sunday night baseball this coming week. There is no reason to believe that they are going to compete in any given game unless Johan is pitching. Unless they can get a guarantee that Johan is gonna pitch, there's no reason for these guys to schedule Mets games on national TV.

Maybe the argument is that even if they just draw regional viewership, the Mets audience is bigger than they would get for some other team. But at this point I would think the nation as a whole would be more inclined to watch the Phillies (an actual exciting team), Angels, Cardinals (the Mets opponent on both Saturday and Sunday, probably those two teams together equal pretty big ratings), Twins, (Devil) Rays, or Red Sox. I'll leave the Yankees out of it, I guess. And since I get to watch all the Mets and Yankee games anyway, I'd personally like to watch the occasional Twins game or even the Phillies (who I clearly dislike, but who also put on a pretty good baseball game).

PS - I was tempted to put this picture up in the corner there, even though it has nothing to do with anything.

Opening Day 2010: 3rd place, here we come!

If Omar Minaya ran a 7-Eleven...

Hard to top Mets Extra’s headline regarding the outlook for the 2010 New York Mets: To Mediocrity, and Beyond!

A .500 season seems like all we have to hope for. Maybe we’ll put up a fight for third, but the Marlins shouldn’t be what scares Mets fans. The idea of looking up at the fourth-place Nationals in a few months is my primary fear.

It’s a shame, too. A team with David Wright, Jose Reyes, Johan Santana and Carlos Beltran shouldn’t ever fear the cellar. Perhaps my pessimism is a bit exaggerated, but after the McDowell’s Law (2nd graf) of last season, I’m well aware that anything can happen. As long as anything includes only really bad things like season-ending injuries.

Take a look at the Mets' Opening Day starting lineup. Keep in mind that a team’s starting lineup – I know this sounds obvious – is comprised of its nine best players, and, well, here:

1. SS Alex Cora
2. 2B Luis Castillo
3. 3B David Wright
4. 1B Mike Jacobs
5. LF Jason Bay
6. CF Gary Matthews Jr.
7. RF Jeff Francoeur
8. C Rod Barajas
9. SP Johan Santana

In other words:

1. Sucks
2. Sucks
3. Awesome
4. Sucks
5. Pretty good
6. Sucks
7. Sucks
8. Sucks
9. Hits better than 1, 2, 4, 6-8 (but then again, so could a well-motivated plant)

That’s seven automatic outs every time we cycle through the lineup. You know how in baseball, the goal of the offense is to score runs? This lineup scoffs at such conventional wisdom. “Watch as we pile up the wins by actively refusing to get on base!”

The league average on-base percentage is .330-.335, with .300 being terrible and .370 being very good. So in this day and age, when even ESPN has accepted the validity of OBP enough to include it in its Sunday Night Baseball programming, would someone please explain to me this: WHY THE BALLS IS ALEX CORA AND HIS GODAWFUL .295 OBP LEADING OFF?

Batting Alex Cora first pretty much translates to Jerry Manuel saying “We would like to start out every game already having one out. Yes, I know we only get three per inning and outs are extremely valuable and one shouldn’t go around giving them away willy-nilly, but hey, go fuck yourself, logic.”

Up next is the notorious soft-popup-behind-3rd machine Luis Castillo, who actually had a stellar 2009 OBP of .387. Why he isn’t batting first is unclear other than that it would make sense, though maybe Jerry Manuel got a little freaked out by Luis’s running style, which could be described as “Johnny From ‘The Wire,’ Only More Retarded-Looking.”

Okay, enough doom and gloom, for the moment. Before long, the Mets will get Beltran and Reyes back, and they will be dramatically better. At that point the top of the lineup will look like this:

1. Jose Reyes
2. Luis Castillo
3. Carlos Beltran
4. David Wright
5. Jason Bay

Which is actually damn impressive. Even with the bag of dicks hitting behind them, that fivesome is gonna produce some runs. Unfortunately, unless Johan’s pitching, it probably won’t be enough. (I wonder how many 3- or 4-game losing streaks Johan will be called upon to stop this year. My bet is 100.)

All joking aside, it’s Opening Day, which is as close as I get these days to how I felt on Christmas as a kid. Hope springs eternal, as they say, and although I’m sure watching the Mets “play baseball” this year will probably take an extra year off my life, I know I’ll be rushing home for every game, rooting my hardest for Alex Cora and Jeff (“Frenchy”) Francoeur and Oliver (“Fucking”) Perez, even as Side Bar and I try to one-up each other on who can most creatively slander their families.

It’s gonna be a long season, but hey, it’s baseball. Anyone want to go to a game this week?

The Audacity of Hope

Last year I wanted to make sure that I saw the new CitiField and also the Mets were a team that was going to contend for the NL East championship and play meaningful games throughout the season. So I figured that it wouldn't be a huge deal to buy a 15 game package to see the Mets. Having said that (do you...respect wood?) last year at CitiField was an unmitigated disaster. The first few games were interesting checking out the stadium and watching the full team on the field. Circa June it just became a chore to head out to the stadium and find someone to go with me.

There are a few exceptions. The Kath and I took our son to his first game and he had a good time and talked about it for months afterwards. There was also a rain delayed game I went to with Side Bar that was one of the more fun and interesting baseball game experiences. There was something about the atmosphere in the 25% full stadium that just struck me that night.

Anyhow, I decided long ago that there was no way I would be renewing my seat package. Back in Shea Stadium they used to have 6 packs of games, which was just about the perfect amount of games. Now, there was one year when I went with my buddy, the Commodore, to 25 games. We went to every Tuesday and Friday game and, I must say, it was a lot of fun. But the Commodore has moved out to an entirely new continent and the Mets were actually good that year (until September). I was expecting an overture from the Mets to renew my seats, but what I got was quite unexpected. They sent me a letter, the upcoming season's schedule, and an invoice for upwards of $750. I was assured in the letter that my invoice was for less than I paid last year, which frankly just served to remind me how much I blew on those tickets last year with not much to show for it. Add to that the fact that the ticket package they were trying to sell me was for 15 games where there was one Philly game, one Yankee game, 11 incredibly mediocre games, and where the first and last games were both against the Nationals.

So let me understand, Mets. You guys suck. There's no real conceivable way you are going to be any better this year barring the unlikely incapacitation of both Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel that miraculously ends in October of next year. You lowered your prices by roughly 1%, since I paid basically the same for those tickets last year. And then you have the audacity to send me an invoice rather than a letter begging me to renew my seats. And on top of all that the ticket package you're trying to sell me literally sucks balls (yes, literally).

Look, I like the Mets. I will root for them to improve and watch all their games on TV and probably go to a few this season. But I am not, as the gies who call up WFAN are so proud to exclaim, a die hard Mets fan. I am a die easy Mets fan. And I will not be buying a ticket package from you gies this year.

(Somewhat relatedly, I have discovered that I am, in fact, a die hard Knicks fan. It's basically inexplicable, but I still watch all of their games. I kindof expect them to compete even in games where they are clearly overmatched. It's not really something I set out to be, it's just something I am.)

Taliban defeats Al Qaeda, 6-1

Thus begins the World Series.

Mets fans have argued recently over which team we should be rooting for.

I recently discussed this with Side Bar, and he asked me who I would choose. I told him that the only answer was neither. A Mets fan cannot possibly actively root for either side.

If forced to choose, I would have to go with the Taliban. Side Bar disagreed, and not without reason. I completely understand his position. After all, the Taliban are in our division. They are now our chief rival. And wow, have the last three years have been excruciating for Mets fans America.

But for me, it came down to two things. 1) The Taliban are in the National League, and I was raised to root for the National League team in the World Series; and 2) Although the Taliban's fans suck mightily, they are largely located much farther away. Al Qaeda's fans, on the other hand, I have to deal with every minute of every day. As much as it would suck to have to deal with the Taliban's retarded supporters, distance counts; and Al Qaeda fans are close by and in the millions. They also tend to be very rude and love the number 26 for some reason.

Anyway, I didn't watch tonight's game and I don't plan to watch any others, but I did hear that my homeboy Alex Rodriguez struck out three times. Man, that guy's terrible. Remember when A-Rod had a few bad postseason games and Joe Torre batted him 8th in the lineup against the Tigers? I think Joe Girardi should just shoot him this time. As many Al Qaeda fans have said these past few Octobers, A-Rod sucks at baseball -- but worse, he sucks at suicide Bronx bombing.

The Dumbass Award for Lazy Writing goes to ... Joe Ward!

... for his article entitled "Moving Home Plate Could Help Mets."

(This is a quick response to the article Chuck posted below, which was gonna be a comment, then became a commmmmmmment, then grew legs and walked on over to the New Post nursery, and Poof! Here it is, a brand new post! They grow up so fast…)

It's an interesting idea, this whole Mets-can’t-hit-home-runs-so-let’s-shrink-Citi-Field thing, but the author leaves out some glaring, rather obvious information.

For example, he says:

"The Mets have the fewest home runs at home of any team in the majors this season, with 47, and also have the fewest home runs over all, with 93."

Using calculus, I deduced that the Mets have therefore hit 46 home runs when not playing at Citi Field. Which, if I understand word meanings correctly, is fewer than they hit at Citi Field. Which doesn’t seem to support the idea that Citi Field is the problem.

Aside from home runs, let’s take a look at the Mets’ overall home/away power numbers this year:

Doubles
Home: 135
Away: 151

Triples
Home: 29
Away: 17

Slugging percentage:
Home: .402
Away: .381

Now while those numbers (including homers) are all god-awful sucky bad, it’s actually quite clear that the Mets – if anything – have more power at Citi Field than away from it, though admittedly it’s very close.

Also, regarding David Wright, he writes:

"...the Mets, and particularly, David Wright, have struggled to hit home runs at home." [Ed. Note: Awful usage of commas there, too.]

David Wright 2009 home runs:

Home: 5
Away: 5
Which: the same

(And regarding the Mets as a team struggling to hit home runs at home, please see above where the Mets hit more home runs at home than not at home.)

Look, the Mets fucking suck. They can’t hit for shit, that’s obvious. But you really can’t say Citi Field is the problem when they actually hit better there than not there. The problem is that they can’t hit anywhere.

Finally, the article's headline, "Moving Home Plate Could Help Mets" is also just...ugh. How is moving the plate 10 feet closer supposed to help the Mets? Wouldn’t it help their opponents equally and, therefore, actually help nobody? (And yes, I realize Joe Ward probably didn't write the headline. Nevertheless, it's a good summation of his article, so I still win.)

Rather than Citi Field, here is an off-the-top-of-my-head list of things genuinely wrong with the Mets that should be fixed/traded/released/fired/sacrificed to the Mayan God of Round Trippers (Pujolsia) in an unholy ritual involving testicle removal and mouth-shitting:

1. All of the players
2. All of the coaching staff
3. All of the front office
4. The cast and creative team of “Entourage” (the Mayan thing)

Someone Actually Wrote Something Interesting About The Mets. Sort Of.

The only interesting thing I've heard about the Mets in the last several months is this. It's an article that's basically an opinion piece about how the Mets should move home plate forward in CitiField by 10 ft. The graphics that go along with the article are pretty cool.

The two things that it doesn't really mention that they could also accomplish by doing this would be to get some room down the foul lines and to increase the space behind home plate, which is currently the smallest in baseball and is too small.

"This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains...

This will come into play later.
(And don't read it. It sucks.)

...Think about that for a while."

In tonight's baseball contest between the Rockies of Colorado and the sucky Mets, one of those really odd things that shouldn't have happened happened.

The situation: Bottom of the 8th inning, game tied at 3. Rockies pitcher Juan Rincon walks the first two batters, Luis Castillo (of the astounding +.400 OBP) and David Wright.

Next up? Cleanup hitter Daniel Murphy. (Sigh) Who proceeds to bunt. (Is there a God?)

I'm lazy, so I won't do any research, but I'm willing to bet that it's highly infrequent for a major league baseball team to ask its cleanup hitter to bunt with two men on and nobody out in the 8th inning of a tie game. But bunt he did, and well, and the Mets wound up with 2nd and 3rd, one out, and the mighty Jeff Franceour coming to the plate.

If that bunt wasn't odd enough, the Astros decided to intentionally walk Franceour.

This is sacrelige. Franceour NEVER WALKS. He swings at everything. Since he joined the Mets, the only reason his OBP is higher than his average is because he got hit by a pitch. He hasn't taken a single walk in a Mets uniform, yet the Astros intentionally walk him.

To be clear, intentionally walking Jeff Franceour to load the bases late in a tie game is simply begging the baseball gods to punish you.

Now up? The fearsome (i.e. not fearsome) Cory Sullivan. Obviously terrified of the journeyman outfielder who was just brought up from the minors a few days ago, the Astros switch pitchers. This forces Mets "manager" Jerry Manuel to pinch hit Fernando Tatis. Now, the thing about Tatis is that he hits into double plays like Chris Brown does to Rihanna. Out of 52 double-play chances this year, he's hit into 13 -- a 25% percent rate, which is friggin' astronomical. It's almost like the opposing managers were having a Dumb Off.

"Okay, I'll walk the guy who swings at everything. Go."

"Fine. You want a double play? Here's my DP machine. Go."

"Oh yeah? Well I'm gonna remove my catcher from the game and replace him with reality TV star Kendra Wilkinson. Go."

"That all you got? Rather than a baseball bat, I'm sending my hitter up with this copy of Deception Point by Dan Brown (see above). He wrote it before The Da Vinci Code, bitch!"

So the new Rockies pitcher throws two ridiculously good pitches, which Fernando Tatis has no chance of ever hitting. 0-2 count. It's hopeless.

And, of course, on the next pitch, Fernando Tatis hits a fucking grand slam.

The baseball gods have spoken.

Roy Halladay not coming to the Mets (updated)

Is there a Doc in the house?

According to Jon Heyman, the Mets rejected an offer from the Blue Jays for Roy Halladay, where the Mets would have given up Fernando Martinez, Jon Niese, Bobby Parnell, and Ruben Tejada.

Hm. How should we judge this one? Let's go through the facts:

• Roy Halladay is one of, if not the best, pitchers in baseball.
  
• He wants out of Toronto and to pitch for a team that can get to the postseason, where he's never been.
• The Mets are in dire straits, with a gigantic payroll, no offense, no bench, one (excellent) starting pitcher, no other reliable starters, and a good-but-shaky bullpen
• The extent of the Mets' injuries and the possibility of any stars returning soon are up in the air, but it certainly can't be described as "hopeful" or "likely" or "suck my dick, Omar." Okay, the last one, maybe.
• Fernando Martinez, Jon Niese, and Bobby Parnell have all shown promise, but certainly don't qualify as no-doubt keepers; and Ruben Tejada is some minor-league shortstop named Ruben Tejada (who may very well be good, but still).

Of course, there's the whole Don't Mortgage Your Future for an Aging Pitcher camp, which is fair and relevant. Halladay is 32 years old, getting on in years. So there's that, but also this: A) getting out of the A.L. East and B) switching to the National League would both certainly help him. The Mets would be guaranteed his services for the rest of this year and 2010. And next year, ideally, Reyes and Beltran will be back, Delgado gone for sure, and Maine, Pelfrey and (sigh) Perez will have an additional year on their resumes. A starting rotation (on paper) of Johan, Halladay, Maine, Pelf, and Ollie is top-heavy in a good way, with the back end hopefully not bad enough to destroy the team's hopes, and maybe good enough to dominate.

So how valuable are Fernando Martinez et al? Well, we just don't know, do we? But we do know, thanks to the brilliant Dave Cameron at Fangraphs, how valuable a season-and-a-half of Roy Halladay is:

"The market value for wins took a tumble on the low end last year, but at the high end, teams were still willing to pay around $5 million per win for premium free agents. Based on that, we’d say that Halladay’s fair market value is something like $30 to $35 million per season. However, those $5 million per win contracts were all long term deals, which carry extra risk to the organization and therefore pull down the annual average value that teams are willing to pay. With only a 15 month commitment, the long term risk with Halladay is substantially lower, and teams should (and will) pay a premium for that risk avoidance.

So, for a Cy Young contender only under contract through 2010, $5.5 million per win is probably a more accurate number to use. That puts Halladay’s market value between $33 and $38 million per year.

If we settle on $35 million as a middle ground, which puts him around a +6.5 win pitcher, we then [see] Halladay’s value through the end of his current contract is about $52 million - a full year of 2010 plus a half year of 2009. But, you can’t forget about the fact that he’s very likely to be a Type A free agent at the end of 2010, and the acquiring team would be able to recoup two quality draft choices if they didn’t re-sign him as a free agent [which] is around $8 million or so.

$52 million for Halladay’s performance + $8 million for the draft picks = $60 million in total value. He will be paid $22 million over that time frame, so 60-22 = $38 million.

To acquire the Jays ace, teams should be expected to surrender something like $40 million in value.

What does $40 million in value look like? Something like three terrific prospects who are not that far from the majors. No one’s giving up players from the Matt Wieters/David Price mold, but it’s going to take several players from that second prospect tier, the top 25-50 type guys.

Phillies fans - that’s Dominic Brown, Kyle Drabek, and Carlos Carrasco.

Mets fans? Fernando Martinez, Wilmer Flores, and Jenrry Mejia.

You get the idea. If the Blue Jays trade Roy Halladay, they’re going to ask for the moon. And they should. He’s worth it."

So yeah, it looks like the Mets would have to give up one of those three top prospects, replacing the other two with Niese (so?) and Tejada (meh) plus Parnell (whom I like, but am not attached to) in order to acquire this amazing pitcher.

My feeling is that they should do this trade, but the X factor, I guess, is the Wilpons and exactly how much money Bernie Madoff stole from them. Taking on Halladay's contract and losing those cheap players is a huge financial trade-off, no doubt, and we can't discount that element. But one more bit to toss in would be this -- if the Mets get him, then that means the Phillies don't get him.

The way I see it: Halladay's worth it, at least in terms of that thing that baseball teams should want more than anything to do: win.

UPDATE: Well, maybe Minaya didn't reject it after all.

Take That, CitiField

I went to the Mets v. Pirates last night with my buddy, Sushi Bar. (This is a bad fake name because he's Chinese and not Japanese. But since it would be funny if he were Japanese and since I can't think of a better fake name, I'll go with this one.) Anyway, Open Bar and Side Bar discovered the shirt, so they deserve a finders' fee, but I must say, the shirt went over very well. Many comments from many strangers. And apparently, yes, I am that fat now, though I did have three shirts on.



Best thing about CitiField is that I sat in "my seat" for one inning and watched the rest of the game from various points throughout the stadium. I found two or three spots that offer a really great view of the action and are not yet that crowded, including one on the Pepsi Porch, but a little out of the way. Also we walked around and found the old home run apple, which is stored out in right field behind the bullpens. Incidentally, you can see the visiting pitchers warming up and it's separated by only a fence. I say we all go to the Cubs game and yell at Aaron Heilman.