Friday, July 22, 2011


Nobody writes on this blog anymore, and presumably nobody reads it, so this might be a tree-in-the-forest kind of message, but I just wanted to say happy birthday to one of the most happening guys I know from Queens, chuck jerry. 33 is the new 27.

everyone knows that friday birthdays are the best. have a good birth-weekend.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

What Would Easy E Say?

What do you think this Ice Cube...

would say to this Ice Cube?

(Hey, this is Open Bar, hijacking Chuck's post...)

Maybe something like this?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

A Message from the President

Dear Lunatics,

Sorry it took me so long to find my long form birth certificate. I was busy planning and supervising the raid to kill Osama Bin Laden. My bad.


Barack H. Obama

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Just To Put It Out There

Obviously I'm rooting for the Knicks to make a playoff run. And if the Celtics turn real old real fast, the Knicks just might make something of this year.

Anyway, I also want to say that I'm reserving the right to also root for the Knicks West, aka the Denver Nuggets. I like those guys and it's hardly frontrunning, so I think it's ok.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The 2011 Mets

The Mets are 2-1, making it one day they are over .500 for the season. They head into Philadelphia next, so let's enjoy this time as a winning team. More important, however is this observation.

Terry Collins, new Mets manager, bears a striking resemblance to officer Santangelo from The Wire. Santangelo was the dude who tried to throw himself down the stairs to get disability and then the guy who refused to sell out McNulty in the first season once the case got legs so was relegated back to a beat cop. For the remainder of his tenure, Terry Collins and Officer Santangelo will be interchangable. That is all.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Dear Marketing People

Dude, seriously, I don't smoke. You don't have to convince me to stop. Please take those fucking ads off the air because I want to kill myself every time they're on.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

My Favorite Word: Fruition

I wrote this like years and years ago. It originally appeared on That's how old it is. My computer says it was last modified in August of 2004. There's sort of a random reason I wanted to post it here, but an ancillary reason is that I just needed this to exist on the interweb. Ok, that's all.

Fruition is definitely my favorite word. This word is pleasing on so many different levels that it makes me think that all words should be so functional. To start, lets define fruition. defines it as the realization of something desired or worked for, an accomplishment. Therefore the word had a clearly positive connotation. That's a plus right off the bat.

In looking at the word, clearly it is related to fruit. One gets the sense that the meaning of this word comes from the fact that all of one's efforts have finally come to bear fruit. And that is precisely its meaning. This is a great analogy to make and by simply using the word 'fruition' the analogy is built in. One can extrapolate fields of grapes or apples or anything like that and imagine that after having toiled in the fields and cared after each plant, the harvest is here and is successful and that all is right with the world.

The root of the word is from the Latin root fru- which translates as enjoyment. This is great. That means that the root of fruition comes from enjoyment, which is fairly pleasing. Even better, however, is the fact that the same root is used in the noun fruit. Fruit is therefore derived from enjoyment. One would think that fruit would be one of those words that would exist as a tangible force long before the abstract idea of enjoyment. One would also think that the inherent enjoyment of fruit as a food and source of life and so on, while certainly evident upon thought, wouldn't be the driving force behind the coining of a word, yet here it is, plain as day.

To get back to fruition, then, we can see that, in a sense, fruition is the root for fruit, whereas logically we would assume that fruit would be the root of fruition. I suppose this is a slippery slope. After all, these two words wouldn't really be described as roots of one another, but rather brothers with the same paternal root. In the end, however, the idea of enjoyment is clearly the root of fruit and the idea of enjoyment is clearly encompassed in fruition, which is what I meant to say in the first place.

Aside from the absolutely thrilling link to its original root, fruition is a great word simply because it is so phonetically pleasing. To hear the word fruition is like a small three syllable symphony. It takes on a space in the air which clearly points to it as the apex of the sentence it inhabits. If you're hearing it for the first time the essence may not be immediately apparent, but the meaning is clear after only a moment's thought. In deriving the meaning one must clearly go through the aforementioned built in analogy, which then makes the meaning of the word so utterly clear, that no explanation is necessary from the user of this wonderful word.

In any event, I've wandered and veered off point and made several tangents that are certainly relevant, but don't point directly at the brilliance this word holds. Put simply, 'fruition' is a word that, when used, points clearly at the brilliance of the human mind and the simple eloquence of the English language.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I sent this blog post through my cell phone as a text message because i am cool. I am really trying to see if i can use this for something i am trying to do.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


I know it is not "nice" to take pleasure in the suffering of others, but I think we can all be forgiven for reveling in this little nugget of schadenfreude for a few days . . .

Barber's personal and professional life have been in shambles recently. In April 2010, Barber reportedly left his wife of 11 years, Ginny, for 23-year-old Traci Johnson, a former NBC intern. Ginny was eight months pregnant at the time. Soon after, NBC cited its morals clause and terminated Barber's contract, which reportedly paid him more than $300,000 per year.

In June 2010, the New York Post reported Barber was broke and couldn't pay his divorce settlement with his ex-wife.
Tikki, on behalf of all of us here at Wheeeeeeeeeeere's Luke?, I would just like to say: suck it, sir. Suck it.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Carmelo Redux

Adrian Wojnarowski (once and possibly still of Bergen Record fame) has a great article on Yahoo! Sports this morning about the role that Isaiah played (or, more accurately, did not play) in the Carmelo acquisition. Read it.

After going back and reading all the comments yesterday, I actually think we are all in more agreement than it originally seemed:

1. It is amazing that the Knicks have Carmelo.

2. The Knicks very likely could have gotten him for less (either by waiting until the last second before the trade deadline, or waiting until the offseason).

3. There is no way to be absolutely certain that the Nets, the Lakers, or some other team could not have convinced Carmelo to sign with them had the Knicks tried to wait this out. So even with what they gave up, it was probably worth it to get Carmelo. But it is hard to be totally thrilled about it without getting distracted by number 2 and number 4.

4. Isaiah Thomas is a delusional, disingenuous, conniving wretch who, perhaps more than anyone other than James Dolan himself, is responsible for completely ruining this franchise and pushing it to the brink of irrelevance. Reports that he had Dolan's ear on this and is now taking credit for the acquisition, and that, as a result, Donnie Walsh might bounce when his contract expires on June 30 make us all want to puke. On Isaiah.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Dear the Knicks (or, How I Learned to Stopy Worrying and Love Carmelo)

Dear the Knicks:

I have been pretty schizophrenic about this whole Carmelo thing. At first, like everyone, I thought, "hey, one of the league's top 15, maybe top 10 players wants to be a Knick . . . great. Sign him up." But as the "Melo-drama" wore on, and it looked like the Knicks might have to actually cough up some quality players in order to acquire another star before the trade deadline, I thought "hey, forget it." There is every reason to believe that you would have been able to just sign him at the end of the season without having to give up anything more than the $20 million or so per year that he will get as a part of his contract extension.

But now that it is (almost) official, I am excited. The Knicks have two marquee players, are poised to make a run this season, and -- far more importantly -- are positioned to be a competitive, fun team to watch for the next five years. You don't match up against the Celtics or the Heat just yet, but there is reason to believe that you can in the near future (more on that in a minute). Compared to the despair that fans of this team have rightly felt for the last ten years, this is a great day for the franchise.

I think it is difficult for people who didn't live in and around New York in the 1990s to realize how much of a basketball town this really is. But when the Knicks are good --- whether that means really good, like the Ewing-and-Oak-Mase-Starks (swish!) teams of the early 90s, or just competitive but perhaps over-achieving good, like the Sprewell/Houston Knicks of the late 90s --- New York gets behind you. And I don't just mean that people buy tickets (though it is true that you can look forward to selling out the arena again), I mean that people talk about it, follow the NBA more closely, and get excited about the team.

But what this organization has put its fans through for the last decade has pushed all boundaries of loyalty to a team (perhaps more accurately, it has completely shattered them). The tag "breaking up with the Knicks" appears eight times on this blog; the tag "Knicks," only six (it will be seven after this post). That's what happens when a team that made the playoffs for something like fifteen consecutive years goes a decade without a getting out of the regular season (I respectfully decline to acknowledge the 2003-04 campaign, in which the Knicks were under .500 and got swept in the first round by the Nets).

So you can't blame us for being skeptical, for being uncertain, and for being in denial that the Knicks might actually be good again. But it looks like you might. First of all, to add Carmelo Anthony - an undeniably prolific scorer - to a team that is already averaging 106 points a night is alone going to be worth the price of admission. Second, I know everyone was starting to get to know and like Raymond Felton, but Chauncey Billups is a great complement to the two bona fide stars now on the roster (OB: I didn't realize last night that Billups was included in the deal . . . how are you worried about PG? This is an upgrade). Add in the fact that Landry Fields can now actually be a rookie instead of being asked to be one of the stars of the team and things look even brighter.

Now don't get me wrong, Donnie (or Mike, or Jim, or Isaiah, or whichever one of you actually pulled this deal together). This team has a lot to prove, and there are some question marks. Big ones. Like how will a guy who is often knocked for not playing defense going to fit in with a team that is often knocked for not playing defense. And even though Amar'e has only been here a few months, his MVP-caliber season he has completely won over the New York fans. Will egos get in the way when the hometown hero soaks up some of the accolades and adulation? (side note: I don't even believe this myself. Amar'e lobbied as hard as anyone to bring in Carmelo, and I just don't see even a whiff of drama on him. If Carmelo wants the back page, front page, page six or all three, I think Amar'e will be fine to let him have it).

And then, of course, there is the fact that you had to surrender four decent, in some cases more than decent, supporting cast members to make the deal happen. You probably could have had Carmelo in the offseason, even with the Nets in full pursuit. But that that is debatable and ultimately not knowable. Either way, this is not exactly a lopsided deal in the Knicks favor. Wilson Chandler and Danilo Gallinari have star potential, and Timofey Mozgev (aka Quad Who) - despite his inauspicious welcome to New York - was looking like he could be a more durable and reliable center than anyone initially thought possible.

But as Michael Wilbon pointed out this morning, "if Gallinari, Mozgov, [Chandler] and [Felton] were that good, the Knicks would have been better than 28-26 at the break." That may not be entirely fair to those four guys, but Wilbon has a point. None of these guys are superstars. One or two of them might become stars down the road, but Carmelo is a superstar now. Today. It is far easier (and far cheaper) to add supporting cast members than it is to add a central, foundational piece of the puzzle. The Knicks were never going to build a dynasty around Danilo Gallinari.

Now, you can make a nice little run this year, maybe even sneak past the first round of the playoffs. But the real fun might start next season. Chris Paul or Derron Williams could be on the way, completing a trifecta for the Knicks that could put them on even closer footing with the Heat and the Celtics. And even if you want to discount that possibility because of the potential for a hard (or harder) salary cap, the two-star-plus-supporting-cast formula has certainly worked pretty well in the past. Just ask Shaq and Kobe. Or Michael and Scottie. Or Karl and John. A Deron Williams addition would be sensational, but I do not think it is necessary for this team to be very competitive in the East for the next few years. There is no shortage in the NBA of quality back of the roster guys who can play defense and support the primary scorers. And there is every reason to believe that you can build around Amar'e and Carmelo to make this a compelling team for the next five years.

You gave up a lot to make this move. And it is distressing to think that you could have had Carmelo for less if Dolan would just get himself and Isaiah Thomas out of Donnie Walsh's way. But this is a deal the Knicks had to make. You got your man. Or your man got you. Either way: this team just got far more exciting, maybe a little better for this season, and positioned itself to make a run at a championship in the next few years. Compared to where this team was just two or three years ago, I'd have to say it was a good day.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Dear the Jets

You're welcome. Yeah, that's right. You beat the Patriots. Way to go. Good on you. You slayed the Brady-Manning dragon in successive weeks, and now everyone is pulling for you to pull the AFC hat trick en route to the Superbowl by cutting the always classy Ben Roethlisberger down a few pegs.

So I say again: you're welcome.

In December of 2008 the New York football Giants gave up a ton of points and lost to these same (or similar) New England Patriots in a regular season game, only to beat them a few weeks later in the greatest game thing that has ever been played happened. Sound familiar?

There are still no words.

How did the Giants do it? How did they beat the team of the 21st century? They did something that no team had been able to do for most of the last decade: they designed a game plan that neutralized Tom Brady.

First, you run the ball. It eats the clock and keeps Brady off of the field. Next, you blitz like crazy. Brady hates to throw under pressure, hates to get hit, and needs time to adjust to it. And third -- and by far the most important -- is that you change it up before he can adjust to the pressure. You mix it up at the line of scrimmage with defensive audibles and fake looks. So when you've blitzed him every down for three, four, five series in a row, you drop back into coverage and he has nowhere to go.

Sound familiar? It should, because that's exactly what the Jets did to the P-EE-triots (Simms, Phil) on Sunday night. They were a bit less effective with the run than the Giants were in 2008 (though they still would have held the ball longer than the Pats but for a seven-plus minute drive in the fourth quarter). But they were almost perfect on defense: Brady was hit seven times, sacked five and forced to throw his first interception since he was eight years old. He was under pressure from every angle, but then suddenly he wasn't. Expecting pressure, he would instead have all day to throw, but no one was open. Of his sixteen incomplete passes, at least five or six were balls that were just thrown away.

There is no doubt in my mind that the Patriots were the best team in the NFL this year. To beat them, the Jets needed to execute a perfect game plan perfectly. The players get credit for the execution, but they have the 2007-08 Giants to thank for the blueprints.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Dear Tim Gunn, or Whichever Hipster is in Charge of This

I just want to send a thank you out to the fashion community for bringing a couple of trends back into style. First of all, whoever decided that flannel shirts were back in style, thank you. It gives me an opportunity to restock. I never really gave up on flannel because I love it, but I had been rocking 3 flannel shirts from the 1995 era for the longest time. Not only was the rotation of flannel lacking, but no one told me in 1995 that I was only 165 pounds and 5'9", so all of those old school flannels are size XL. It's unclear to me today why it was cool to wear clothes that did not evn remotely fit, but it made so much sense back then. I didn't even question it. And that's not really to say that I was cool, but, you know, I tried.

Secondly, whoever brought cardigans back into style, thank you a thousand times. Literally for years I have been looking to buy a cardigan because I have always loved them. And now I have more cardigans than anyone really needs to have in their collection. In middle school I used to rock a white cardigan with my Bugle Boy pants and I thought I was the shit.

(Funny story I heard recently. My cousin recently got married and in one of the speeches from his groomsmen, they recounted a story in which my cousin, never lacking in confidence, got a bus for a school trip or some such thing and announced to a group of kids, "If something smells in the back of the bus, it's me....because I'm the shit.")

I have taken recently to rocking a flannel shirt with a cardigan on top. A juxtaposition of styles that really just makes me happy in my heart. You know, life is really about the small things. And while the rest of the world around me goes to shit, at least I have flannel shirts and cardigans.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Several One Sentence Thoughts On Rap Music

I'm pretty confident that Illmatic, by Nas is the best rap album of all time.

While I don't want to front on A Tribe Called Quest, I think it's entirely possible that Outkast is the best rap group ever.

While I don't want to front on The Low End Theory, my favorite Tribe Called Quest album is Midnight Marauders.

I still think my favorite rap album is Reachin', by Digable Planets. It's possible that's no longer the case, but I think so.

Eminem somehow loses credibility for me by associating himself with terrible rappers.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Jay-Z is the best rapper ever.

I miss good rap music.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Driveway Basketball

This is mad random. Especially considering our lack of posts recently, this one isn't especially important or anything, but I have a few free minutes and an idea (Tremendous cream. Fuck a dollar and a dream). I was just thinking about playing basketball in various people's driveways when we were younger.

It's interesting how basketball games develop out of necessity. For example, if you had 3 people or 5 people then you would play 21. This is an interesting game in that it was basically just every man for himself. Every player had their own score and the first one to 21 was the winner. Even though it was basically 1 on 4 every time, there was very little defense ever really played up until someone got to like 16 or 17 points. And you had to decide on specific rules for each game like if there were 3 point shots and if there were foul shots. The foul shot rule was super important because once someone got to 17 you could just hack them every time if there were no foul shots. It made the game last much longer. I played a countless number of games of 21 in the driveway of a guy who I'm sure we all know with a preternatural math ability and an MIT degree. I'm not sure why we always had an odd number of people over there. I guess you could play with an even number, too, but I'm not sure why you would.

What really tickled me when I was thinking about it, though, were the games we used to play in Diesal's backyard. Diesal's court was like the perfect size. My driveway, for example, was fine for 2 on 2, but beyond that there really wasn't enough room. Diesal's driveway expanded out to be wide enough for 2 cars and it made for a perfect 3 on 3 court. What really made me write this post was how I was thinking about the number of occasions where we would show up at Diesal's house about noon, start a game of 2 on 2 between, say Diesal, Open Bar, myself, and maybe Ian Ziering or Scooter (why, Diesal?), and play until it was dark with very little interruption. Like I can remember at least a few times where we would count by ones and the final score would be like 192 to 185 or some such thing. I wonder if Diesal still has that video of us playing 3 on 3 in his backyard when we were 12 or 13. That is a very funny video.

I don't really have a point, except for that Diesal's driveway was perfect for basketball. You know, I'll bet Side Bar's driveway would have been really good for basketball if they would have had a hoop.