Dear ESPN,

I must tell you, "Brett Favre arrives in Minnesota" IS NOT DEVELOPING NEWS. It's certainly not "Our top story at this hour". That's not even A story.

SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT BRETT FAVRE ALREADY!!!!!1!1!!1!11! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

I'm confident at this point that this whole ESPN / Brett Favre thing is going to end with Chris Berman literally fellating Favre on the steps of the football hall of fame in Canton.

Fuck you guys.
Love,
ChuckJerry

Dear Packers Fans,

E.

love,
me

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Thing is, I don't even really have a particular dislike for Green Bay or cheese in general. But after being made to watch my childhood fucking heroes turn traitor and then throw no-hitters, win World Series, and even toss a perfect game -- all for Al Qaeda of the Bronx™ -- my sympathies for fans who feel betrayed by their favorite players are nil. Just you wait until Favre lights your Packers up for 450 yards and 7 TDs on his way to leading the Vikes to a Super Bowl victory, after which he nails your mom and sister on national TV. Then you will know the true misery of betrayal.

As Seinfeld says, we're all just rooting for laundry anyway. So my suggestion to distraught Packers fans would be to:

1. punch yourself in the balls
2. do this: