Friday, October 29, 2010

What's The Deal With Sarah Palin? (bwa ba ba ba bwaaaw)

That was a really poor approximation of the Seinfeld noise in the title there.

Like really though, what's the deal with Sarah Palin? Maybe I'm just a liberal elite, but like the list of pros and cons for Sarah Palin for me looks like this

She's extraordinarily attractive

Everything else

Like, I'm not gonna start a grassroots campaign for a Kardashian / Lohan 2012 ticket. What's the goddamn appeal? She's not smart, experienced, part of a family with a longstanding political tradition, able to see Russia from her back door, or anything else that would make me want to vote for someone.

Am I like two years late with this post? Yes, yes I am. Really, though, I coulda sworn she was just gonna fade into the background. Motherfuckin' Admiral Stockdale didn't try to capitalize on his fumbled up bid for vice president, why would she?

Monday, October 18, 2010

This Blog Gets Shit Done

Last week I got up on my high horse and wagged my finger for a few paragraphs at those assholes called the Bleacher Creatures. I didn't figure any good would come from it -- other than leading the decent people who Google "fuck the bleacher creatures" here, where they will be most welcome -- but as it turns out, the post must have been just GRRRINTERNETSUPERMAD!!!! enough to get the attention of Yankees management:

Score one for the eradication of discrimination. At baseball stadiums, at least.

According to Flip Bondy of the New York Daily News, several key members of Yankee Stadium’s Bleacher Creatures have agreed to put a halt to a cheer that for years has involved a homophobic slur.

During the middle innings of games at Yankee Stadium, a large section of folks in the right field stands would yell “Why are you gay?” at opposing fans during the playing of The Village People’s famous “YMCA” anthem.

Apparently that won’t be happening anymore.

Well, my work here is done.

*leans back in chair, folds hands behind head, feels sense of genuine accomplishment, farts*

So, to all you fans of opposing teams sitting in the bleachers for some reason, you're welcome.

Unless, of course, you're a Phillies fan. In which case, eat a dick, homo.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Reason I Drive A Crappy Car

Have you seen these?

I have begun to see these all the time now, like on my way home I'll see at least two or three cars every day that have this thing hanging off the back of the car while the car is driving like all on the highway and stuff. (I'm feeling kindof Joycian today, so deal with it.) This is stupid. If you want to rock that while you park, then I guess that kindof makes sense because I know I use the bump technique to parallel park in Manhattan sometimes (all the time), but then if you do that you gotta pull it up for when you drive away.

Driving with that thing on your bumper is a little like walking around the streets like this lady and being all, "well I don't want to mess up my hair I want it to look good", and I'm all, "yeah but you look retarded right now, not good."

Anyway, this is the reason I drive a shitty car. If I had a nice car, I'd have to take care of it and stuff and I'd, like, care if it got scratched or dented or something. When you rock a 2002 Sentra, those things don't matter. And if you live in New York, you can't really afford to spend the energy caring for a nice car. If I had a nice car I'd have to change a lot of things about the way I drive, and I'm just not willing to do that. On top of all that, there's really no way to drive a car around without it eventually going to shit. And this is true of any car. So do yourself a favor, instead of a bumper buddy, just get a shitty car.

What happened to the 80s where the bumpers were all rubber and could actually be used to bump stuff? Now they're nominally bumpers, but practically they're just plastic ornaments.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Dear Bleacher Creatures -- Suck My Dick (You Know You Want To)

What kind of "queen," exactly?

While I often mock the Yankees and their fans, probably a bit too much, I'm well aware that part of that behavior is rooted in some level of jealousy I hold toward them. After all, it's more fun if your team wins, and those fuckers in the Bronx win more than, well, anybody. But as I said, at least I'm aware of it.

Along those lines, it's not even surprising anymore when someone (say, a prominent politician or religious leader) who spends a lot of time bashing gays turns out to be gay himself. Obviously, not everyone who's ever used the word "fag" is a homosexual, but if Thomas frequently directs over-the-top, unnecessarily angry, aggressive language or behavior (especially when unprovoked) at someone else or a group, that's usually a decent indicator that Thomas is trying to cover up or compensate for something about himself. People don't generally hold that level of hatred for anyone but themselves.

For example, from a recent Yankees/Twins game:
I have proudly lived in New York City for over two years, and, unlike the often-heard stereotypes, have found this city's inhabitants to be kind, respectful, and even polite. This changed the night of Oct. 9, when I attended the New York Yankees game against the Minnesota Twins. As a Midwest native showing up to the game in my Twins regalia, I expected to be picked on. I expected to be heckled. What I did not expect was to hear homophobic and anti-gay cheers sung by the crowd.

During the traditional singing of YMCA, when the grounds crew takes to the field, suddenly the crowd erupted into lyrics singing, "Why are you gay, I saw you sucking some d-i-c-k." Other lyrics called people who are gay sinners and disease-ridden. I couldn't believe my ears. Whatever people may say about Minnesota or the Midwest, such hurtful and disgusting things would never be shouted at a Twins game. What an embarrassment for Yankees fans and New York City.

Here's some video (though not of that particular night):

Pretty much this whole thing translates to this: "If you root for the other team, you're a faggot."

Of course, every team's fan base has plenty of assholes. The Mets are no exception, and at the few Giants games I've attended, there were times I was embarrassed to be there.

But this video -- which is a routine these fucking mooks called the Bleacher Creatures perform -- is different. Not only is the language particularly graphic, ignorant and hateful, it happens all the time. Obviously security is fine with it, meaning it receives the implicit endorsement of the Yankee organization. Would this be allowed to continue if it were a song attacking blacks or Hispanics or women or, say, those suffering from dementia or craniosynostosis?

Quite clearly, there are much bigger issues in the news lately, like the recent increase in gay suicides or the fact that the Republican nominee for governor of New York feels free to openly gay-bash. I wonder what the Bleacher Creatures would say about that group of sociopathic thugs who lured three gay men to an abandoned house in the Bronx and then brutally tortured them for hours? (And no, a stupid song is not the same as actual torture, but they did both take place in the Bronx, which means they are clearly and inextricably connected. Probably even the same people.)

We can't know for sure whether every single member of the Bleacher Creatures is, in fact, gay, much like we'll never know for sure whether every snowflake is unique. But hey -- I just finished an entire gay/Yankees post without once mentioning Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez!

If I can do it, we all can.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Large Ups; Slightly More Formal Than Big Ups

Happy Birthday, Open Bar. It's fan-tastic. You deserve a break today. The choice of a new generation. Have it your way. Pretty sneaky, sis. I can't believe I ate the whole thing. Little, yellow, different*. All you need is a dollar and a dream. Where's the beef? The quicker picker upper. So easy a caveman can do it**. You're in good hands. Like a Rock. Eet mor chikkin. Avoid the noid. Oh Yeeaaaahhhhhh!!! Mmm mmm good. The king of beers. Talk to Chuck. That was easy. (Oontz, oontz) Tommy's (oontz, oontz, oontz, oon-oon-oontz) Tunes (oontz, oontz). You know what my dad always says: No gimmicks, just good deals.

* - We need to make friends with an Asian guy so we can start calling him Nuprin.

** - Next time I play the dozens (not since 1989, probably), I'm gonna say, "Yo momma's nickname is Geico, because she's so easy a caveman can do it."