Herm Edwards would like you to know that Tim Tebow is, in fact, a football player

This morning, in what I think is the first time ESPN has discussed Tim Tebow, Herm Edwards defended him against absolutely zero criticism whatsoever by saying this:

"You know what you respect? Whether you think he's a great quarterback or not, this guy plays football. And I've played professional football. He's played professional football. [The other guy] plays professional football. You haven't yet, but let me tell you something. This guy, Tim Tebow, he's a football player, and that's what you respect about the guy. Whether he's a great quarterback in the future, I don't know, but one thing about this guy: When he lines up, you know you're playing against a football player."

A big thank-you to YouTuber MrsGuerrasMole for posting that clip because it is maybe the best example yet of that line you sometimes hear during NFL commentary, that so-and-so is a football player (emphasis always added by speaker), as though that were some kind of, I dunno, point. Herm openly admitted he had no idea if Tebow was any good, but he was dead certain that Tebow plays football. That means something. It has meaning. It is a thing that MEANS SOMETHING.

I also love how Herm felt the need to point out to nerdy-nerd host Mike Greenberg that three people at the desk, Herm included, did at one time play professional football while, he, Greenberg, did not. Presumably, that experience makes Herm unusually insightful when it comes to, say, evaluating football players. Herm's actual insight, however, boils down to repeating Tebow's profession, only with emphasis, because that adds special meaning that Herm is sure you'd understand if only you had played in the NFL instead of being such a nerd, you nerd.

Now, this particular stupid football euphemism isn't Herm-specific; usually it's Dan Dierdorf spouting this nonsense, and plenty of other commentators are guilty of it. But man, oh, man, was this one good. It distills it to its essence and, through the magic of repetition, makes it sound sillier and arroganter and Hermier than ever.

I'm not sure if "he's a football player" ranks higher on the stupid football euphemisms list than when someone points out that Team A will probably try to "outscore" Team B, but they're probably 1 and 2. Sort of like how the best rock bands ever are definitely Led Zeppelin and The Beatles -- the order you want to put them in doesn't really matter, as long as you have them in the top two spots.

(And as long as you have Zeppelin at number 1, obviously.)

Dear ESPN,

I must tell you, "Brett Favre arrives in Minnesota" IS NOT DEVELOPING NEWS. It's certainly not "Our top story at this hour". That's not even A story.

SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT BRETT FAVRE ALREADY!!!!!1!1!!1!11! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

I'm confident at this point that this whole ESPN / Brett Favre thing is going to end with Chris Berman literally fellating Favre on the steps of the football hall of fame in Canton.

Fuck you guys.
Love,
ChuckJerry

MVP! MVP! Fare Thee Well, Old Friend

We at Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Luke would be remiss to let this day pass withough acknowledging the retirement of the New York Football Giants most consistent player of the last 7 years, Jeff Feagles. Referred to affectionately by real Giants fans (well, me and Diesal at least) as The Feag, he has been a staple in the Giants' special teams and, in all honesty, may be the best punter in the history of the game.

This guy is 44 years old, played in 352 consecutive games, and never missed a game in his 22 years in the league. He has a knack for pinning teams inside the 20 and he rarely let go a bad punt for the Giants. He was a great player and will be missed.

The BCS And The Cop Out Hall Of Fame

Tonight at 8pm Boise State will take on TCU in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. This is the biggest cop out in the history of the NCAA (I hope that was an appropriate level of obligatory internet hyperbole). All season the argument was whether or not the mid-major teams deserved their high rankings. These two teams were at the center of the discussion as to whether or not either of them deserved to be in the top 10 based on the fact that they didn't play in a conference with an automatic BCS bowl bid and the competition in their respective leagues was supposedly inferior. Boise State is the Western Athletic Conference (the WAC, best conference name) and TCU is in the Mountain West Conference. There were other teams in these conferences, the Mountain West in particular with ranked teams who took shit all year about being ranked too high. BYU and Utah were both ranked relatively high for the whole season.

The whole argument was based on the fact that the competition in these leagues in inferior, whereas these conferences argue that they also have good records outside their divisions and that their bowl records are all very good. The latter argument was borne out this year when BYU smoked Oregon State in the Las Vegas Bowl (gotta love the irony of BYU playing in the Vegas Bowl) and also when Utah beat Cal in the Poinsettia Bowl. Similarly, Air Force (Mountain West) beat Houston in the Armed Forces Bowl and Wyoming (Mountain West) beat Fresno State in the New Mexico Bowl.

So the mid-major conferences, the Mountain West in particular had a hell of a bowl season. Boise State has been wreaking havoc on bowl day for the past several years. This year the NCAA had a chance to really let these mid-majors prove themselves in some real BCS bowls and instead they take the two mid-majors who rpresent the best of what they ahve to offer and pit them against each other. This will prove absolutely nothing. One of them will win, the other will lose and in the end we won't be able to argue either way about whether they were ranked too highly or not.

Given that Ohio State and Oregon were locked into the Rose Bowl, the NCAA should have let TCU play Florida and Boise State play Cincinnati. That way when TCU would have gotten smoked by Florida (just like Cincinnati did) and Boise State would have probably beaten Cincinnati it would have been a good argument that the mid-majors were essentially as good as all the other conferences except for the SEC which is far and away the best conference (incidentally, Alabama is going to destroy Texas in the national championship game, thus proving that Florida is the clear #2 team in the country).

For the record the Big 10, which currently has 11 teams, and is soon going to have 12, is the most overrated conference. Ohio State is the only good team in that conference and they have consistently been destroyed in national championship games by teams from the SEC in the recent past. The Big Ten desperately needs to have a conference championship game, and the only reason they don't is because of the Ohio State / Michigan game. The people with the money want that to be the last game of the season every year, instead of just having a real championship like every other conference does. Big Ten = Wack. And not good like the WAC conference, but bad like in wiggety wiggety wiggety wack.

Also clearly they should just have a playoff system to determine the national championship. Notice how no one is arguing this year about who should play in the national championship game after the Alabama / Florida SEC championship game. If they would just have the top 4 teams they could determine a national champion in the span of 2 rounds totalling 3 games. If they had done that this year, they would have given TCU a chance to simply prove themselves in the playoff against Alabama, Texas, and Cincinnati.

Fuck You, The Giants

Fuck you, Osi Umenyiora, you non-sack having, non-run play playing.........You know what? Much like the 2009 Giants and this season, I just don't have the heart to finish this post with any fervor.

You guys remember that time the Giants won the Super Bowl? That was awesome.

Dear Packers Fans,

E.

love,
me

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Thing is, I don't even really have a particular dislike for Green Bay or cheese in general. But after being made to watch my childhood fucking heroes turn traitor and then throw no-hitters, win World Series, and even toss a perfect game -- all for Al Qaeda of the Bronx™ -- my sympathies for fans who feel betrayed by their favorite players are nil. Just you wait until Favre lights your Packers up for 450 yards and 7 TDs on his way to leading the Vikes to a Super Bowl victory, after which he nails your mom and sister on national TV. Then you will know the true misery of betrayal.

As Seinfeld says, we're all just rooting for laundry anyway. So my suggestion to distraught Packers fans would be to:

1. punch yourself in the balls
2. do this:

Dear Football Fans, Fuck You

Let's say you own 4 season tickets on the 50 yard line for the Jets. To get the season tickets you have to buy tickets to 10 games, 2 of which are preseason games. In 2008, each of those seats costs $90, so for your season tickets you will pay $900 times 4 seats, which is $3600.

In 2010, when the new stadium opens, you will have to pay a Personal Seat License (PSL) fee of $25,000 per seat for the right to purchase your seat. Then the individual game tickets, instead of $90 each, will cost $700 each. So $700 times 10 games times 4 seats is $28,000. In 2010, therefore, your 4 season tickets will cost you $128,000. In 2011, and every year thereafter, they will cost you a mere $28,000.

Tickets for Giants games will be more expensive, but I don't know the exact numbers and my looking it up is really not necessary for my point to be made.

Who, pray tell, is going to pay over $100,000 for the right to watch the Jets? What I would do with that $128,000 is use it to open a sports bar and invite all the former season ticket holders to come and watch that game, along with every other game in the NFL on Sundays.

I know that a lot of research went into these pricing plans, but I'm seriously wondering who is going to buy these tickets. Even ticket scalpers wouldn't make a profit on those things.

Friday Classic Video: The next Eli Manning?

Just in case anyone forgot:

The New York Giants WON THE SUPER BOWL.

I can't quite place why this video reminded me. Something about a pass no one ever thought would work. And someone's head/helmet being involved. Anyway, enjoy.



Thank you College Pork!

Take A Step Back There, Mad Dog

This post is for Mad Dog Chris Russo, Evan Roberts, Mark Maloussis, the hundreds of callers and thousands of listeners of WFAN who have been bitching about the Giants game against the Patriots in week 17. These guys are talking about how the Giants are not just playing against the Patriots, and not just considering their own season, which will commence for real the following week with a playoff game most likely against the Tampa Bay Bucs, but are instead playing against the history of the NFL. These guys feel that the Giants shouldn't go about resting guys like Plaxico Burress, Jeremy Shockey, Brandon Jacobs, Antonio Pierce, and the numerous other Giants nursing injuries, despite the fact that the game will be meaningless relative to this year's playoff picture, because the Giants owe it to the league to put forth a real effort so the Patriots can feel great about themselves for going 16-0.

There are two points you all are missing here. First is that this game will be absolutely meaningless to the playoff picture. The Giants are really banged up and those guys could use all the rest they can get. That's the minor point.

The major point is that even if the Giants were firing on all cylinders and were completely healthy, they wouldn't have a 5 years old's chance in church to win that game. Let's be serious. The Giants have a chance to beat most of the teams in the league, despite some of their deficiencies, but the Giants could never even dream of beating the Patriots, or the Colts or Cowboys, for that matter. So let's stop with the integrity of the league nonsense, and let the Giants rest their guys for the game that actually matters, and the game that they might actually win.

Houston Texans, What The Hell Is Wrong With You Guys?

Last year the Houston Texans had the #1 overall draft pick and could have picked anyone they wanted to. Their choice, Mario Williams, a defensive end who they think will be a pass rusher like Jevon Kearse or Michael Strahan. This guy was probably the best defensive end available, but hardly even close to the best possible pick. Defensive end is a relatively unimportant position, especially for the Texans who needed help at literally every position. Before the draft they gave a vote of confidence to David Carr by signing him to a contract extension and basically guaranteeing that they wouldn't choose a quarterback with the first pick.

Given that then they had two logical choices in last year's draft: Reggie Bush or D'Brickashaw Ferguson. Reggie Bush is the most versatile running back since Marshall Faulk and has game changing ability. D'Brickashaw Ferguson is an offensive tackle, and a left tackle at that. The recent wisdom in football is that the left tackle is the second most important position behind quarterback because he protects the QB's blind side on the pass rush. The average salary for starting left tackles is only below the average salary for starting QBs, which tells you how important the position is. Given that they had just signed David Carr to an extension, and that he is the QB who has taken the most sacks of any other QB in every season he's been in the league, they should have drafted someone to protect him. Instead they drafted Mario Williams, who is a good player, but clearly did not deserve to be the #1 overall pick ahead of guys like Bush, Ferguson, Vince Young, Matt Leinart, and Jay Cutler, among others who were chosen in the first round.

Today, the Texans made that already very bad decision into one of the worst decisions in football history by trading for Matt Schaub, Michael Vick's backup in Atlanta, and promptly naming him the starter. If the Texans decided to stick with Carr, then they should have done that. He is a good QB with a dreadful offensive line and not many other weapons. Matt Schaub is essentially a carbon copy of Carr and will have similar success with the club. This is essentially a lateral move. If they weren't going to stick with Carr, then last year's draft was a disaster because they clearly now in retrospect should have chosen Vince Young with the #1 pick.

I will not use much space to describe how amazing of a player Vince Young is, except to say that he reminds me of John Elway, but faster, and of Randall Cunningham, but bigger. He's obviously not reached John Elway status yet, but in his first year in the league he singlehandedly led his team to victory at least 4 times, including once against the Giants that I'd like to forget (as would Matthias Kiwanuka) and once against the Texans themselves in overtime with a 35 yard touchdown run.

Vince Young is from Houston. He went to college at the University of Texas where he led that team to a national championship. He is beloved in Texas and would have been a perfect pick for the Texans in any scenario, even over Reggie Bush, who might end up being a better player. Even if Vince Young didn't end up being a good pro QB, which was nearly an impossibility, no one would have ever questioned the Texans choosing Young first overall. Instead they chose to stay with David Carr, and today they chose to throw that all out the window.

I know it's not your fault at all, but good luck trying to ever live this down, Mario Williams. I hope you don't end up being the Sam Bowie of the NFL, but something tells me you will.