Ran(t)dom musings . . .

I have been absent from our e-shout out book for some time now, so I have a fair amount of random stuff to say (side note: there cannot be more than two or three people who read this blog who did not catch that reference, but for your benefit: about 15 years ago, my brother and I began inviting people over to our house on weekends, summers, etc., just to hang out, and our family's basement became one of a few de facto social gathering places in town for our group of friends. One summer we introduced a log/journal -- it was called the "shout-out book" --- for people to sign and write stuff in when they visited the basement. The book still exists somewhere, and maybe we can post a few pages to the site one of these days). Anyway, here is a borderline coherent rant of the things I have been thinking about for the past few weeks (sort of like when I was doing a "Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down" column, but for this week it's all thumbs down):

The Texas Democrats. Is it me, or is taking fucking forever to count the delegates from the caucus portion of the vote that took place in Texas on Tuesday night? How many people were there? Just write down all the people who voted for Barack, then all the people who voted for Hillary, and count that shit up. What am I missing? Also, I understand that the Texas nominating mechanics are very complicated, but I understand this much: 2/3 of the delegates are apportioned by the popular vote, and 1/3 of the delegates are apportioned by caucus. Doesn't that mean that if Hillary won the popular vote by about 4 percentage points (she did), and if Barack won the caucuses by about 12 percentage points (so far, he did), then didn't he get more delegates in Texas? Stay tuned . . . we should know by about halftime of the Sugar Bowl.

The Mets. The Mets are down to three healthy players, and it looks like they will open the season by fielding a team with David Wright covering the left side of the infield, Jose Reyes covering the right side of the infield, and Angel Pagan patrolling the entire outfield on his own. In fairness, who could have possibly predicted that Moises Alou would get hurt and not play a full season? It's going to look like a T.B.O. team on a Saturday morning during the high holidays (thanks, I'm here all week). I think Open Bar is scheduled to pitch the 6th inning against the Tigers this weekend. I am not worried yet, but I fully expect to be linking back to this post on May 17 when the Mets are 20-22.

Michigan and Florida. Let's say you are a school teacher. Shit, some of you are school teachers. You have 50 students in your class. You assign each student a day to do their book report. Some students get their own day, others will present their book reports in groups of three and four. Also, there is some random Tuesday in February, a day when you know in advance that you will have nothing else to do, so you assign 22 students to do their book report on that day. Now let's say that two of the students, call them Florence and Michael, when you assign them their day in April or whatever to do their book report, tell you to go fuck yourself. They say, "no, uh-uh, fuck THAT Mr., I'm doing my book report in February with all the other kids!" You warn them that if they really go ahead and do their book report in February, instead of in April like you assigned them, they are going to fail. "I don't care," they say defiantly, "you ain't my mother, Mr." So they proceed to present their book reports in February. Nobody listens, because you've sent the other 48 students to recess to make sure Florence and Michael get no attention for their obstinate behavior, and -- as you warned Florence and Michael -- they both receive failing grades on their book report. A few months later the day comes when Florence and Michael were supposed to do their book reports in the first place. They are both feeling kind of unhappy about the failing grade you gave them, so they start whining about wanting to do their book report again, but this time for a real grade. If you let them go ahead, and give them the grade that they earn on the April presentation, or if you grade them based on their February presentation -- in fact, if you make them any kind of accommodation at all -- aren't you (a) kind of a huge pussy, and (b) going to lose all credibility with the other 48 students the next time you assign due dates for book reports? I think so.

Nick Kristof. I apologize in advance to everyone with a shred of compassion or concern for human rights and social justice. I know full well that our generation's reaction to genocide in African nations will be compared to the American reaction to the holocaust 60 years ago . . . too little, too late. I know all of this, and I am sure I will regret this post in a few weeks (or a few minutes if Hasdai or Goldie gets a hold of it and/or me), but right now I cannot help myself: I am begging, absolutley on-the-knees-hands-thrown-up-in-surrender begging Nick Kristof to shut up and settle down for just five minutes. God forgive me, I need a fucking break. I am sure that Obunduletarumina Rokatilingijunobrum or whatever the fuck is a horrible dude, and no doubt the Bush administration's lax attitude toward voting irregularities in the southern provinces of Namibia in late 2005 are to blame. I am also sure that aid worker Hotellerangi Babatoranji has shown Kristof first-hand examples of the freedom fighters from the north routinely slaughtering babies and feeding their parents to warthogs while systematically drinking all of the water themselves so that the southerners cannot have any. And no doubt this all dates back to some tribal conflict between the Azamagooths and Chizzlewinks 1300 years ago. I get it. It's fucked up. Do your best and move on. Would it fucking kill you to write something about Canada? Jesus.

I'm done.

Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down

After a short hiatus, the very popular (well, Chuck likes it) "Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down" is back with another installment. Here goes:

Thumbs Up go to . . . . Barack Obama. Describing herself to a new boyfriend on 30 Rock last season, Tina Fey confessed that she tells all of her friends that she is voting for Barack Obama but will probably just vote for John McCain in the end. It was a great line because it struck the chord of Obama's popularity as the "hip" candidate, but not one that anyone viewed as actually crossing the finish line. That seems to have changed in the last few weeks. Obama is now first in Iowa (in a pretty reputable poll), and appears to have a legitimate shot at staging a credible challenge to Hillary, who seemed like a foregone conclusion only a month ago. I have never been excited about Hillary as a candidate, and if Obama emerges as a real contender, I would drive the bandwagon. My only gripe with Hillary (she is generally an advocate of the positions I would take on most issues) is that she seems so totally disingenuous in everything she says . . . now people say that's true of all politicians, but that doesn't seem to be the case, as Obama is proving. I like him, and am getting excited about his candidacy.

Thumbs Down go to . . . . the Baseball Writers' Association of America (BBWAA). Jimmy Rollins, a notorious murderer of kittens and hater of rainbows, was named NL MVP by this crowd. Matt Holliday had a better year, hands down. Whatever - David Wright will take it next year and put this nonsense to rest.

Kittens, man. Kittens.

Thumbs Up go to . . . . the New York Giants. Now look, we've been down this road before, and Open Bar has written extensively on this point, but the fact is they are 7-3 with a defense that looks like it can keep them in the game against all but the very best teams (i.e., Dallas and New England). Given the remaining schedule, they could legitimately win 10 if not 11 games, and maybe get a home playoff game. Given how this season looked in August and September, that is dramatic improvement, and a nice consolation prize for still suicidal Mets fans.

Thumbs Down go to . . . . nytimes.com. Has anyone noticed the creeping mediocrity of the New York Times online? The conversion to a Yahoo!/MSNBC type website has been subtle, but undeniable. Half of the site is now a blog (which just means you can write a story without having to edit it), and everything is linked to "reader comments." This is supposed to be the paper of record in this country, but it is starting to look like the MySpace page of a 14 year-old on Ritalin. If I gave shit what Nikos from Greece thinks the Knicks need to do to rebuild I would ask him. Just watch, nytimes.com will have a "Who Should Get Voted Off Dancing With The Stars" poll up by years end. What a travesty.

Thumbs Up go to . . . . this guy. Hey, when a man wants a beer . .

I'm All Thumbs

Given the overwhelming reaction to last week's post (side note: actually it was really just whelming, but not overly so), I decided to prepare the second installment in my "Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down" series (side note: any similarity to Stephen Colbert, a/k/a "Ace," and his "tip of the cap/wag of the finger" is purely coincidental. None of us are 1/100 as funny as him (so, in the aggregate, we are still not 1/25 as funny as him)). Here goes:

Thumbs Down go to . . . the New York Mets. I still think the Mets will make the playoffs, but ever since I gave them a Thumbs Up nine days ago, they have looked about as capable as Terri Schiavo in the field (side note: too soon?), while getting hit worse than the opposing father-pitcher that year Open Bar was still in 7-8's. Hopefully the sting of a "Thumbs Down" from the editorial staff at Wheeeeeeeee's Luke? will have the opposite effect of the now inexplicable "Thumbs Up" that the Mets were awarded just a few days ago. Hope springs eternal.

Thumbs Up go to . . . . my buddy Garth. Garth Lagerway (GULC, '04) will be named general manager of MLS club Real Salt Lake later today. Kudos, Garth, now I have three reasons to visit Salt Lake City (low alcohol content beer and the opportunity to marry a 16 year-old being the other two).

Ok, fine, four reasons to visit Utah.

Thumbs Down go to . . . . the NYPD. Sorry guys, I'm a staunch supporter, but denying the President of Iran's request to lay a wreath at Ground Zero smacks of Rudy Giuliani-style diplomacy. Was there really no way to make this happen while at the same time ensuring everyone's security? I know he's supposed to be a psycho and all, but maybe it's time for a different approach to dealing with lunatics who run countries that start with the letters I-R-A . . .

Ahmadinejad giving Wheeeeeeeee's Luke? a hearty "Thumbs Up" at the 3d Annual Iranian Cultural Ministry's "Top 10 Blogs" Luncheon. Thanks, Mahmoud, but we still won't tolerate a nuclear Iran! ;)

Thumbs Up go to . . . Marc Ecko. I don't know the first thing about his fashion designing (though I assume he is somewhere between "so now" and "fabulous"), but this guy bought Barry Bonds' 756th home run and has decided to let the public vote on what he should do with it (bestow it to the hall of fame, burn an asterisk into it, or blast it into space). I've linked to my preference below (just because the record is tarnished doesn't mean the ball isn't a part of baseball history . . . so it belongs in Cooperstown). This is the real power of the Internet.

Thumbs Down go to . . . the Giants, and especially coach Tom Coughlin. I know they are only 0-2, but the Giants defense looks awful, and the offense has been 50/50 (one impressive game, one not so much). The Giants don't have a brutal schedule, but there also aren't too many gimmes on the horizon. Washington and Philly have both played better than we have in the first two weeks . . . could 0-4 be upon us before 10/1? The Giants' struggles are worthy of their own post -- and if no one beats me to it, I'll try to do one in the next few days. Suffice it to say for now that if a coach is brought in for the sole purpose of being a disciplinarian, a "no nonsense" guy, then I can forgive him not being a great X's and O's type coach, but it is inexcusable that the Giants are consistently getting called for stupid penalties, especially the 15-yarders. More to follow.

Return of the Red-Eye

So it turns out I've been accidentally writing for this other blog for the past few months and didn't realize it . . . my bad (side note: check out http://wheres-rick.blogspot.com/ for all of the lost Side Bar posts). What's that? No sale? OK, fair enough. Ummm . . . how about this: I so thoroughly enjoy the "Friday Classic Video" that I figured Where's Luke™ was chugging along fine without me, and that I would just sit back and watch this well-oiled machine hum. No? Okay, you're right, I don't even believe that one.

Last try . . . Meaghan and I have this baby now, and me and the baby have been on a totally sick bender for like three weeks.

OK, fine. The real reason I've been absent from the blogosphere (side note: worst. word. ever.) is the same reason I have been generally absent from any semblance of a social life for the past few months -- is that I've been getting, a-hem, hammered (side note: that was for you OB) at work.

People generally have mixed reactions when you tell them that you can't do something because work has gotten in the way, especially when the plans being cancelled occur later in the evening or on a weekend. Some feel legitimately badly for you, which is nice. Many feign sympathy, but generally believe (as I do) that if you choose a profession that demands long hours, you shouldn't bitch about it all the time (as, alas, I also do). I have no problem with these people (side note: though, in fairness, they should consider walking a mile).

Others, though, simply do not believe it, and either explicitly or implicitly call you a liar. It's mostly implicit, like asking all sorts of questions to try and trip you up when you tell someone you worked the entire weekend, or very late into the evening, etc. Many of these people have never worked past 5:01 or on a weekend in their entire life, and therefore cannot comprehend that others do. These people drive me fucking nuts. Let's say I cancel plans with a friend from college because I am called into the office on a Saturday. Let's say I see that same friend a few weeks later, and comment what a great game the Mets had on the offending Saturday. Suddenly, everyone is Clarence fucking Darrow, and they want to cross examine you. "Oh, I thought you were working on Saturday." "How did you have time to watch the Mets if you couldn't hang out?"

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Maybe I checked the score on the website. Maybe I took an hour lunch to watch the game. Maybe I worked all day and was tired and watched the game when I got home. Point is, if I cancel plans on a friend, they should generally assume (as most do) that I would prefer to be socializing with them as opposed to working, and not generally assume (as a few do) that I have cooked-up some scheme to avoid hanging out with them. If I don't want to hang out with you I just wouldn't make plans with you in the first place. Idiot.

I guess that became more of a rant than I meant it to be, and I am sure someone with a degree in counseling (batter up, D) could analyze the above and find all sorts of guilt/resentment/bitterness lurking just beneath the surface, but I digress.

My absence from the blogging world (side note: doubtfully my last, hopefully my longest) now explained, I have some catching up to do (side note: I just realized now, in re-reading this post, that the banner on the website changed. Very funny. Ha ha. You guys are the best. I think we can all agree, though, that it wouldn't have sounded nearly as melodic and hilarious if Mary had said "Wheeeere's side bar?" instead of the now infamous "Wheeeere's Luke?"). It has been a month and two days since my last post (side note: in which he discovers that Ace of the "Ambiguously Gay Duo" and Stephen Colbert were one and the same person (side note to the side note: five points for the movie reference)), and much has happened. Since I gather that everyone has been dying to know what I think about the goings-on in sports, news, politics and pop culture, I present my thumbs up and thumbs down for the past month. Here they are, in no particular order:

Thumbs Up go to . . . The Mets. After getting swept by the Phillies in an awful four-game series in Philadelphia, the Mets rebounded nicely winning eight of nine, and putting the division out of reach barring all but the most horrendous of September collapses (side note: chance of me lamenting this post -- and Open Bar cursing me for the jink -- three weeks from today: 2:1. Place your bets now).

Updated (9/18/2007). Ok, well, if you took the bet then, arguably, you lost, since it didn't take three weeks, only one. The Mets are 1-5 since this post was published, and the Phillies haven't lost since [insert witty, exaggerated reference here]. The Mets now lead the division by a mere 2.5 games. While they should still make the playoffs (assuming the Mets can go 7-6 over the next two weeks, the Phillies would need to go 9-3 just to force a one-game playoff, which might not even happen, as 9-3 could land the wild card in the NL East, in which case there would be no playoff), but it was borderline unthinkable a week ago that we would even need to be doing these calculations. Ugh. Always remember Raymond Parking (anyone? 25 blogger points to the winner).

Thumbs Down go to . . . . the White People of Jena, Louisiana. I admit to only recently getting informed on this story, but this is some old school, 1930's, no holds barred, unadulterated, unapologetic racist shit. I am sure there are black people out there who experience some form of racism every day, or at least with some frequency, and who aren't as shocked by this as me, but I definitely am guilty (if that's the right word) of thinking that this kind of off the reservation shit doesn't go on anymore.

Thumbs Down go to . . . Michael Vick. Dear God. Next.

Thumbs Down go to . . . Tikki Barber: Ok, Open Bar beat me to this, but it bears repeating. Tikki has spent the past month beating up on the oh-so-unimposing Giants, and has made some headlines doing so. What a hack. It's bad enough that you sell your team out in mid-season to announce your retirement. Whatever, if you want to retire, it's your right. But to start poking the Giants in the eye after the fact is just bush league. Have you seen any of his interviews on the Today show? (side note: f off; it's on at the gym in the morning). They won't let him do his own . . . he has to sit there with Matt Lauer or Meredith Viera kind of lurking over him to make sure he doesn't completely fuck it up. Hey Tikki: when I want the inspiring four-and-a-half minute story of a 90 year-old from Duluth who lost his eyesight but overcame the odds and realized his dream of owning a jukebox, I'll give you a call. For now, just be quiet. You made this bed, now lie in it Tikki Cronkite.

Thumbs Up go to . . . Fox News: Never mind the war in Iraq, the disgrace of Republican congressmen, or the financial crisis paralyzing the credit markets, Fox reports, and we get to decide, on a new Hardees ad that, at least according to one teacher's association, is demeaning to female teachers. Yeah, so, Fox News, hard-hitting and titillating. This is the source for middle-America's news and political views? Game over.