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Timeout!!!

The last week has been unkind to Grandpa Simpson - I mean, um, John McCain.

The economy is failing and with Republicans having been in power for most of the past decade people are blaming Republicans for some reason.

To make matters worse, a serious problem is lack of regulation played a big part in leading us down this road.

That's an especially big problem when you like to call yourself "fundamentally, a deregulator" and have admitted that economics is not your strong suit (even if that quote may have been taken out of context just a bit).

Adding to Mr. McCain's woes is that the Palin Train seems to be losing steam as the people dig into her past.

Let's recap, shall we?

• Her daughter just got knocked up.
• Her son, being deployed to Iraq is said to have some drug problems.
• She announced that we are on a mission from God in Iraq.
  
• She then changed her story, trying to channel a quote from Abraham Lincoln that really was not at all similar to what she said.
• She actually was for that bridge to nowhere before she was against it.
• She was for banning books from local libraries.
• She had rape victims pay for their own rape kits.
• She apparently was banging her next door neighbor and husband's business partner.
• She has had three interviews: Charlie Gibson, in which she came across as a lightweight - to put it nicely; Katie Couric, in which she came across as a lightweight - to put it nicely; and Sean Hannity - which, let's face it, doesn't really count.
  
• She's accused of firing the former boss of her ex-brother in law because he wouldn't fire said ex-brother in law.
• The anti-corruption crusader, actually ran Ted Steven's political action committee.
• She billed taxpayers for travel and expenses for staying at her own home, as opposed to the Governor's Mansion, for 312 nights in the short time she spent as governor of Alaska.
• Put her high school buddies in government jobs that they were not even remotely qualified for.
• Her preacher, Thomas Muthee really hates witches.
  

There's more but, I think you get the point: she's a disaster.

They're just hoping her vagina and Christianity is enough for the American people (and, truth be told, the jury is still out on that one).

Now, with his polls dropping and time running out and on the cusp of the first presidential debate - what does John McCain do?

He calls a timeout??

What the fuck? Can you do that?

He's heading back to Washington DC to.....go to meetings. Oh, and he wants to cancel the scheduled debate because.....he has to go to meetings. I know he isn't really too good with computers but are telephones and airplanes too much for him too?

He really just wants to change the subject and position himself to claim credit for this bailout that is going to come one way or the other - regardless of whether or not he actually goes to DC.

Apparently, Obama called him at 8:30 in the morning on Wednesday to issue a joint statement. Grandpa Simpson returned the call at 2:30 pm and they agreed to issue some sort of joint statement and then, shortly thereafter, GP Simpson came out and announced the timeout.

Bitch-move, Macca. I'm guessing you're not taking the Straight Talk Express back to DC?

I thought Barry handled it nicely, saying that the president needs to be able to multitask.

I think people will see through this and it will ultimately backfire: there's no crying in baseball and there's no siestas in presidential elections - even if you are 100 years old.

I suppose it was a nice try to switch up the game with a gimmick, Johnny Mac - but the thing with Hail Mary passes is that they usually end up incomplete.

"I'm John McCain and I....um, I..........I want a timeout..."

VPILF-Gate

This is hardly going to be the well-considered, carefully researched, humorous post that you've come to expect from me (what?). But I just cannot keep up. Open Bar and I have been chatting on and off today about the Sarah Palin fiasco, and we are both equal parts stunned and giddy, simply unable to stop and catch our collective breath to process the overload of information that has surfaced about John McCain's VP nominee in the last 36 hours.

As Notorious LJT put it, the media seems to smell blood in the water. They have uncovered the following in the past two days:

• Palin's 17 year-old daughter Bristol is pregnant, and will marry the baby's 18 year-old father.
• Palin may have been a member or supporter of the Alaska Independence Party (though that allegation is challenged by the McCain campaign). Her husband was twice an AIP member, in 1995 and 2000.
• Palin had this to say about Iraq in 2007: "I've been so focused on state government, I haven't really focused much on the war in Iraq."
• She does not believe global warming is man made.

Read more at Huffington Post (I stole some of this from them anyway). And even they don't have them all.

So what does McCain do with this pick? Clearly she is more extreme than he realized (the New York Times had a great cover story this morning, exposing the shoddy vetting job that was hastily thrown together last week). But can he take her off of the ticket? It's a lose-lose proposition for McCain, as a reporter at US News explains quite well:

My guess is McCain stands the chance of completely alienating his evangelical base if he dumps Governor Palin. The evangelicals seem to love her even more following the announcement that her minor daughter will marry the boy who got her pregnant and the fact she has offered unconditional love and support to the child. Then again, he's alienated moderate Republicans and independents, polls show, by placing Palin on the ticket. It's a lose-lose situation for him to consider dropping Palin, if indeed the campaign is considering it at all. He loses his now energized right-wing base if he drops her. He loses mainstream Republicans and moderate independents (the so-called Hillary voters) if he keeps her. In any event, Palin is far from the smart choice she appeared to be last Friday when McCain announced his selection of a running mate.

This was a classic McCain move - a shoot-from-the-hip, take-no-prisoners, look-into-Putin's-eyes kind of move. And now that it is proving costly (it divides, rather than unites, the extreme and moderate wings of the party despite his need to draw votes from both), he will dig in his heels a la Bush, and swear it isn't raining while huddling under an umbrella. Is this the style of macho decision-making we can expect for the next 8 years? Lord help us.

Pop quiz, hot shot

Who is the most scared of Johnny Mac choosing former beauty queen Sarah Palin as his vice president?




















Answer: The former beauty queen on the right.

Remember why John-boy left his first wife? If you had a clear record of leaving your older, uglier wife for the younger, hotter new chick, why would you stay with the corpse that is Cindy if you could get on this:

Allow me to introduce...DANIELA QUAYLE!

I mean, Sarah Palin.

What was all that I was hearing about Obama not being ready to be president?

Palin in Comparison

I want to write about the incredible speech that Senator Obama delivered last night at the Democratic Convention, but you either saw it or you didn't. If you did, then you know. If you didn't, then please, please, set aside some time today and watch it. If I wasn't old, cranky and inept at computer-type thingies, I would find a way to embed it here (maybe one of my co-contributors would be so kind).

And besides, news has just leaked that Senator John McCain has selected Alaska Governor Sarah Palin (sounds like PAY-lin) to be his running mate. I am struggling to decide whether this is the worst possible selection in this history of presidential politics (well, second worst , well, ok, third worst, but whatever, you get my point).

Governor Palin is three years younger than Barack Obama, has been governor for less than two years, and, until today, was known to exactly sixteen people. Moreover, in her limited executive experience, she has been running not California, not New York, not even Texas, but Alaska. Alaska has less than 700,000 residents, and almost half of them live in the city of Anchorage. If the entire state of Alaska were a city, it would rank 17th in the U.S. by population, between Forth Worth, Texas and Austin, Texas, and behind such metropolitan giants as Columbus, Ohio and Indianapolis, Indiana. Alaska is cold, dark (except in June when the sun stays out 24 hours a day), and so desolate that the government actually pays people just for living there.

And one more thing about Alaska? It is fucking weird. I am sorry, everyone can just calm the fuck down, but it is. Yes, I have been there (just for a few weeks), and it is like all the fucking weirdest, most eccentric people from Tennessee, Kentucky and Alabama just woke up one day and were like, fuck it, let's go skiing up in the middle of fucking nowhere.

By contrast, Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate Joe Biden has been a senator for 183 years, fought for the North and the South in the Civil War, and put Vladimir Putin in a headlock the last time he saw him, just as a warning. When life hands Joe Biden lemons, he uses them to kill the enemies of freedom. In fact, Joe Biden once took me out for a beer, couldn't find bar to his liking, so he just sat me down in the middle of the woods, and said: "wait here." In a few months time, some guys showed up and built a bar around us. When it finally opened, Biden ordered three shots of Wild Turkey, took them in a row, and washed them down with a shot of warm tequila. Then, without a word, Biden took out a book of matches, and set the place on fire. Over the roar of the flames he yelled to me, "always leave a place the way you found it."

Ok, fine, that didn't really happen. But policy positions aside, it cannot seriously be disputed that Joe Biden has a wealth of experience in the domestic and foreign arenas. And in a time of crisis, I think most Americans would be comfortable with Biden stepping in as President, even if only to hold the reins for a short while.

But Palin? McCain is 72, and has had a physically grueling life . . . it is not THAT unreasonable to think he might not live for another 8 years. How can he possibly tell Americans with a straight face that Palin is ready to be President at the drop of a hat. And even if he is successful in making that argument, can he also convince Americans that while Palin is ready to be President, Obama is not? I think even the most simple-minded voter (LJT's 12th grade analogy needs to be remembered at all times, I know) would see the intellectual dishonesty on that one.

Is this to win over disaffected Hillary Clinton voters? Is McCain out of his fucking mind? Does he have so little regard for the female brain that he is just like, "well, sure she is pro-life, a member of the NRA, and the governor of a state full of lunatics, but she is a woman. The Clinton chicks will surely dig that." Could these people possibly be that stupid? How many Hillary Clinton supporters are going to say, "sure, I hate everything about her, but she does have a vagina. Go McCain!"

I could be wrong. Maybe the disaffection among Clinton supporters runs so deep that they will do anything to keep Obama out of the White House. I guess her solidly right-wing positions on key conservative issues will please the Republican base, but if the name of the game is winning over the centrist/independent crowd, and convincing America that a young, inexperienced politician should not be handed the keys to the White House, then this seems like a very, very strange pick.

John McCain is an asshole, part 2

"That bitch behind me better not get ugly. Wait, what?
She already looks like a corpse? Call my divorce lawyer.
Uh...have I mentioned I'm a POW?"

(This is a follow-up to Side Bar's previous post, so definitely read that first. I think this will be the second in a long line of us trying to point out that genuine-war-hero John McCain might just be a total fucking jackass douchebag as well. LJT and Chuck: Please feel free to join in. There's shitloads of evidence out there. Also, if any of our tens of readers feel like contributing, let us know. Send an email, post a comment, call us, whatever. But please don't call me in the morning, especially on the weekend. I have a scheduled hangover, and I really can't move it.)

John McCain's first wife, Carol, was totally faithful to him while he was locked up and tortured for five-and-a-half years in Vietnam. During those years, she took care of their three children. Except for when she was hospitalized after life-saving surgery, when the kids (as well as some other family friends, I'm sure) had to take care of her.

Carol McCain had a horrific car accident in 1969 -- on Christmas Eve, no less, while she was delivering presents to friends -- where she flew through the windshield and barely survived. After her surgery, she didn't look the same. Just like any other human being who endures such an event.

John McCain came home from Vietnam unable to lift his arms above his shoulders, due to the daily torture he endured there. (Not really torture, though, according to a certain current president John McCain fully supports. That's hinky.) He, too, was disfigured.

Many people would consider moving on if her/his spouse was gone for five-and-a-half years, much less if she/he knew the likelihood of his/her return was unlikely, as it would be if the missing spouse were a POW for that length of time. Carol McCain, however, stayed faithful.

Like John, Carol had nearly died. When he finally returned home, a courageous hero of the highest order, what happened? He saw that his wife looked different. Read: not as hot as before. She was shorter. She was uglier. She was fatter. So John McCain began cheating all over the place, after a few years settling on the rich (family-rich, not earned by her), hot ex-rodeo queen. He then used her family's money to finance his now-ex-wife's alimony, housing, and medical care. Apparently, John McCain – who had endured five-and-a-half years of torture – could not endure his wife, his ever-faithful wife, looking the way she did. He had adopted her two children from her first marriage; they had had a child together. But, I guess, even that wasn't enough.

John McCain earned a whole hell of a lot of good will during those five-and-a-half years. But does that count for everything? As Side Bar pointed out, he was in his mid-40s when he decided to spend six months pursuing this rich heiress while he was still married to Carol McCain. This can't, a la George. W. Bush, be chalked up to “youthful indiscretion.”

And this is the candidate playing the “character” and “integrity” cards?

Ugh.

For the record (and this is not meant to be dickish [“McCainish”?]), here's how Cindy McCain looks these days. How long will she be around?

John McCain and Family Value

Recently, the UK Daily Mail published a story about John McCain's separation from his first wife (Open Bar gets the credit for finding this story and sending it to me). You can, and should, read the whole thing here.

For those who want the synopsis, here it is (with some of the info taken from here and here):

• John McCain was married to swimsuit model Carol Shepp in 1965 (her first marriage ended in 1964 when she sued her first husband for infidelity).
• In 1967, he was shot down over Hanoi, and endured five and a half years of torture at a Vietnamese POW camp.
• In 1969, some two years into his captivity, Carol was in a serious car accident, leaving her unable to walk and severely disfigured.
• McCain won his release in 1973, and came home to find his wife bore little resemblance to the woman he left: she was much shorter, because she had sections of her legs removed, and she had gained considerable weight.
• In 1979, then 43 or 44, and still married to Carol, he met Cindy Hensley, who was 25, beautiful, and the heiress to a multi-million dollar beer distributorship.
• Still married, McCain dated Cindy for six months, while pressing his wife to grant him a divorce. (side note: the Daily Mail article totally plagiarized this line: "Over the next six months he pursued her, flying around the country to see her. Then he began to push to end his marriage" - from a 2000 New York Times article, in which Nicholas Kristof wrote that: "Over the next six months, Mr. McCain pursued Miss Hensley aggressively, flying around the country to see her, and he began to push to end his marriage.")
• In April of 1980 the divorce was finalized, and in May of 198o he married Cindy.
• His children from the marriage to Carol did not attend the wedding, and would not reconcile with him for several years.

I understand that there are two sides to every story, and no doubt the McCain camp could explain this story in a manner that would assuage the discomfort it would cause in some of his supporters. But is that a reason to leave it unreported? Why have no major American news media outlets focused on this? Is it because they feel badly? Is it because he is not denying it? Was it too long ago?

And even if the mainstream media is not reporting it, surely they would report on the fact that others are reporting it. In other words, if MoveOn.org and other 527's pressed this story, the media would report it, but take the high road and say that they were just covering the coverage, not the story itself (they cloaked themselves in that bogus excuse when John Kerry got swift-boated). So where are the left-leaning political action groups to bring this completely factual, entirely true story to light? What is going on here?

It is not an accident that McCain lost to George Bush in 2000 Republican primary in South Carolina. That contest was seen as a turning point in the race to unseat the Democrats, and Bush won, at least in part, because he took the gloves off and went after McCain with everything he could possibly find. Some of it true, some of it Rovian fantasy (like using push polling to suggest that McCain had an illegitmate black child). Of course none of us would tolerate the latter in our own candidate, even if it means you lose, but I am all for the former, especially if it means the other guy won't win.

So let's get to it, Democrats. As my co-authors have already observed this week, it is time to take the gloves off and start punching. John McCain is a man who wants to be president of the United States, but in his 40s (not in his 20s or even 30s) demonstrated a complete lack of a moral center. And the other side has the audacity to claim the mantle of the religious right, value voters, and moral superiority? Don't make me laugh.

"Family values" doesn't mean marrying the richest girl who says yes.