Thursday, August 27, 2009

People That Impress Me

I have gotten to many places that I'm interested in getting to by riding my bicycle. Especially in my younger days, but even today sometimes, my bike has gotten me where I want to go. I've also been known to tie on my rollerblades and hit the streets to get somewhere more quickly. I did the rollerblade thing more in college if I needed to get about 20 to 30 blocks for some reason.

I must say, though, I'm genuinely impressed by people who actually use skateboards to get around to places. If you ride a skateboard and do tricks and shit, then that's cool, and clearly fairly skillful, but more and more I've seen people riding around on skateboards actually getting somewhere. If you're gonna venture out on the streets with cars and people around, you've gotta have a fair amount of skill. It would also never even pop into my head that I could actually use a skateboard to get anywhere. So kudos you people. That's all I have to say.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

What the eff, America? Los Angeles edition

Chuck had a nice rundown the other day about how the various punishments meted out recently to several athletes (including Plaxico Burress, who shot himself in the leg and received two years jail time) didn't quite seem to match the severity of their crimes. And then yesterday, in the City of Angels (whatever the fuck that used to mean), awesome singer and all-around stand-up guy Chris Brown was "sentenced" to all of community service and probation. His crime, if you recall, was doing this to Rihanna:

Some specifics, from the LAPD ("Robyn F." = Rihanna):
"A verbal argument ensued and Brown pulled the vehicle over on an unknown street, reached over Robyn F. with his right hand, opened the car door and attempted to force her out. Brown was unable to force Robyn F. out of the vehicle because she was wearing a seat belt. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against the passenger window of the vehicle causing an approximate one inch raised circular contustion. Robyn F. turned to face Brown and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then drove away in the vehicle and continued to punch her in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand. The assault caused Robyn F.'s mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.

"Brown looked at Robyn F. and stated, 'I'm going to beat the shit out of you when we get home! You wait and see!'


"Brown resumed punching Robyn F. and she interlocked her fingers behind her head and brought her elbows forward to protect her face. She then bent over at the waist, placing her elbows and face near her lap in attempt [sic] to protect her face and head from the barrage of punches being levied upon her by Brown. Brown continued to punch Robyn F. on her left arm and hand causing her to suffer a contusion on her left triceps that was approximately two inches in diameter and numerous contusions on her left hand.


"... before she could make a call he placed her in a head lock with his right hand and continued to drive the vehicle with his left hand. Brown pulled Robyn F. close to him and bit her on her left ear ... Brown began applying pressure to Robyn F.'s left and right carotid arteries causing her to be unable to breathe and she began to lose consciousness. She reached up with her left hand and began attempting to gouge his eyes in an attempt to free herself. Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and then released her."
(And, for the record, the parts I snipped out were the boring parts, not the parts where Chris Brown helped those old ladies cross the street and then visited those sick kids in the hospital.)

To sum up:

1. Chris Brown beat the ever-loving shit out of his girlfriend and is a free man.

2. Plaxico Burress pulled a Cheddar Bob...

...and is going to jail for two years.

Now, this is not Arizona. New York is definitely not the place to be caught carrying a gun (especially not during campaign season, eh Bloomberg?), but the disparity here is stunning. Plaxico Burress -- whose teammate and friend Steve Smith had just been robbed at gunpoint -- shot himself in the leg. Meanwhile, in L.A., Chris Brown viciously attacked a woman -- who, it turns out, is another person -- causing her severe injuries.

What the eff, man? I guess the stereotypes of New Yorkers being uptight and Californians just not giving a fuck about brutal violence toward women are true. Although, I shouldn't exaggerate about Los Angeles like that. It's not like you could just cut some chick's head off and expect to go unpunished or anything.


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Come On

I know they suck, and they deserve some of the criticism that has been meted out this year, but the injuries that the Mets have sustained this year are staggering. The following TWENTY-ONE players have (or, in two cases, are about to) miss/missed games due to injury. And the vast majority were for more than a few games:

Alex Cora
Angel Pagan
Billy Wagner
Brian Schneider
Carlos Beltran
Carlos Delgado
David Wright
Fernando Martinez
Fernando Nieve
Gary Sheffield
J.J. Putz
Jeff Francouer
Johan Santana
John Maine
Jon Niese
Jose Reyes
Luis Castillo
Oliver Perez
Ramon Martinez
Ryan Church
Tim Redding

Dude, we're going to need a bigger truck.

I do not think there is a single team in baseball that could have made the playoffs with this kind total annihilation of their core guys and many role players.

I am starting to think that the only people who truly deserve to lose their jobs are the trainers and medical staff. And even for them, only if there is any basis to the suggestion that poor conditioning, training, stretching, etc. is responsible for some of the injuries (or at least the severity/duration of the injury). Jerry Manuel has made some questionable moves here and there (that sound you hear is Open Bar smashing his head against his keyboard as he reads this), and Omar can be questioned for the decision to sign certain guys (but the biggest question mark - Luis Castillo - has actually had a solid year). I just do not see how you fire Omar and Jerry with such an incomplete record on which to judge them.

I know this is a bit of a 180 for me, but with Wright, Santana and Francouer all going down in the last week or so, I think I sort of threw up my hands. This could all just be really bad luck. The baseball gods may indeed have had it in for the Mets this year.

We'll get 'em next year.

Friday, August 21, 2009

What the Eff, America? Football Crimes Edition

Donte Stallworth went and got drunk and decided to drive his Bentley home. On his way home he killed a dude who was trying to cross the street. For driving drunk and killing a guy, Stallworth served 30 days in prison.

Michael Vick funded and participated in a dog fighting ring for over six years. In that time he regularly tortured and killed dogs. He pitted them against each other, electrocuted them, drowned them, and he didn't stop until he was found out by the police. He was sentenced to 23 months in prison, and he served 18 months.

Plaxico Burress decided to go out to a night club in his sweatpants and also to bring a gun in case he got mugged, like his teammate Steve Smith had been only a few days prior. The gun slipped out of the waistband of his sweatpants (you can't make this shit up) and discharged. Fortunately for Plax, the bullet hit him in the leg instead of somewhere else on his body or instead of someone else in the club. He went to the hospital, tried to hide the gun, and then came to his senses and told the truth about what happened within 24 hours of what happened. For this he was sentenced to 24 months in jail, and he will serve at least 20 months.

Is it just me, or are the punishments for these crimes going in reverse order of severity? This makes absolutely no goddamn sense. Plaxico's first mistake on that night was deciding to wear sweatpants to the club and his second was to bring his gun, but shit he didn't kill anyone or anything and he only injured himself. Sure he should be punished, but 2 years in prison for this? This is just grandstanding, pure and simple, by the mayor and the D.A. at a time when Bloomie is trying to get re-elected to a third term (it's gonna be harder than you think, Mike, though you'll win in the end, I bet, because you'll spend 50 times more money than the other gies combined).

And how can you fucking drive drunk and kill a guy and only go to jail for 30 days? 30 fucking days. Shit, next time I go out drinking, I'm gonna go out in Florida. This guy should be in prison for years and years, and instead he's already out.

This is getting to be ri-goddamn-diculous.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Let's Get Ready To Thimble!!

After a hiatus of way too long, Project Runway is finally back tonight. Don't forget that it switched to the Lifetime channel, so you have to watch it there. If you've seen this show, then I know you love it, so that's all I have to say. If you've never seen this show then you're just assuming it's a wack show and that it's way too gay for you to like, but you're wrong. This is the best reality show on television by a long shot. And if you combine with this fabulosity the fact that Top Chef premiered last night on the Bravo channel (and I know Mrs. Side Bar was glued), it's a great week for reality television. Top Chef is a comfortable second in reality show standings. And just in case you're still thinking, "I can't watch these shows, they're way too gay," let me just point out that these two shows are hosted by conceivably the two hottest women on the planet, Heidi Klum and Padma Lakshmi.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Do It For The Kids

Please, right now, go to Walt Clyde Frazier's blog and at least give some thought to The Teaneck Fighting Championship. Incidentally, when this question was first posed to me, my response was, "Well, whoever is included, you should just put me last." That's all I have to say.

Dear Packers Fans,




Thing is, I don't even really have a particular dislike for Green Bay or cheese in general. But after being made to watch my childhood fucking heroes turn traitor and then throw no-hitters, win World Series, and even toss a perfect game -- all for Al Qaeda of the Bronx™ -- my sympathies for fans who feel betrayed by their favorite players are nil. Just you wait until Favre lights your Packers up for 450 yards and 7 TDs on his way to leading the Vikes to a Super Bowl victory, after which he nails your mom and sister on national TV. Then you will know the true misery of betrayal.

As Seinfeld says, we're all just rooting for laundry anyway. So my suggestion to distraught Packers fans would be to:

1. punch yourself in the balls
2. do this:

Friday, August 14, 2009

What the Eff, America? Ed Hardy Edition

Take a good look at this picture on the right there. This is Jon Gosselin who, along with Spencer Pratt, currently co-chairs the Douchebag of America Society. This picture perfectly encapsulates my feelings on this newest trend of idiocy in American society.

This whole Ed Hardy fashion thing is really just very stupid. I mean, it's a tattoo artist whose designs were co-opted by the same gie who made the Von Dutch brand a flash in the pan trend and put on t-shirts and sweatshirts and so on and so forth and sold to the masses at ridiculous prices. And then the masses were like, well, I don't have a big ass tattoo of an eagle on my chest because if I did that it would be mad weird, but I want to appear as if I have a big eagle tattoo on my chest and as if I always show it off except in like another 6 months when it's no longer cool to have all these shirts that look like I have tattoos all over myself or shoes or sweatshirts or handbags or anything then I'll just have a bunch of dishrags with eagles and dragons and skulls and tigers growling on them that cost me $40 each; well, it was fun while it lasted and when I look back at pictures of myself at this time I'll wonder what the hell I was thinking, kindof like that Flock of Seagulls thing back in the '80s.

I mean, tattooing to this extent is really a subculture of people who are really dedicated the whole idea of body as art and the beauty of the designs and such. Also if you get tattoos like that then you know going in that you have to live with them forever. When you get an Ed Hardy t-shirt, you violate everything that that particular subculture stands for. Did I forget to mention that all of these t-shirts and such are really ugly? You look like a fucking idiot walking down the street in these ridiculous clothes and its made worse because you think you look cool. Do these gies look cool? Answer me!

Thursday, August 13, 2009


With their first pre-season game only a few days away, and the Mets comfortably entrenched in fourth place for the foreseeable future, we can finally talk about the Giants. ESPN has them third on the pre-season power rankings. I think that might be a little high until we figure out if Eli can throw to anyone other than Plax, but I do think they have a credible shot at winning the division with a 10-6 or an 11-5 record. The Redskins stink and the Eagles are old. Cowboys will be tough, but I think our defense can contain them (especially without TO, who has absolutely torched the Giants for his entire career (but it was awesome that time he cried after we beat them in the playoffs)).

A few notes from the schedule:

Sep 13 - the opener, home against the Redskins, at 4:15. A nice way to kick off the season.

Sep 20 - a week later, in Dallas on Sunday night. Last time we started a season against two division opponents was 2004 (under Kurt Warner), and we split en route to a disappointing season.

Thanksgiving night - at Mile High against the Jay Cutler-less Broncos. Defense could have a field day against Kyle Orton.

Then the last two games of the season are home against the Panthers and on the road against the Vikings. Is it me or do we end every single season against Minnesota? (In fact, the Giants' last five games of this season are against the exact same five teams as last season. And they are in the exact same order with only the Dallas and Washington games reversed).

And a few predictions/thoughts:

Watch for Justin Tuck to have another monster year. And with Osi slated to return, watch for the entire defense to put together a Ravens-style season.

Eli could struggle early. There will be so much talk about his new contract, whether he is worth it, etc., etc. And he is going to have to find a rhythm with a core of receivers that really does not have a superstar among them. I think this is a big concern (particularly given that the first two games are in the division).

I live in constant fear of Brandon Jacobs getting hurt. You are all free to kick my ass for the jinx I just put on him.

Is Ahmad Bradshaw the real deal? I honestly cannot decide. I think this is the second biggest concern. But I am glad that the Giants do not seem inclined to use Bradshaw on first and second down, and save Jacobs for third down. That was exactly the wrong formula, and they finally figured that out last year. If Jacobs is healthy (jinx), and Bradshaw can mirror what Derek Ward did last year, then the running game will take enormous pressure off of Eli. Coupled with a best-in-conference defense, and this is the recipe for the Giants to get into the playoffs and go deep.

Here endeth my stream of consciousness about the Giants, for now.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

My New Favorite Rom Com?

In order for something to be a romantic comedy does it have to follow the rom com formula where boy meets girl, there's 90 minutes of silly contrivances, then they get together? If so, then 500 Days of Summer is not a romantic comedy. It does not follow that formula, but it is a movie about the relationship between these two people, Tom and Summer. Ah, what to say. It stars the kid from Angels in the Outfield, and who hasn't seen that at least 2.5 times on HBO, and Zooey Deschanel, who you may remember from Almost Famous or Elf. The only thing about this movie that is somewhat formulaic is this one satellite character who is just a caricature of a person. This one character is the guy who can't hold down a relationship, goes out and gets drunk all the time, says inappropriate things, even when he's not drunk, and doesn't have any feelings whatsoever. If you're reading this post, and you don't know someone like that, then you are that guy, by the way. Anyhow, if we're not counting this as a romantic comedy, then the I'd like to take this moment to remind everyone of my old favorite romantic comedy, Fools Rush In. (Click that link, read that post, and then come back here.)

Incidentally, Zooey Deschanel is also a really good singer, and has an album out with a band called She and Him. She's got a really great voice and she has sung in several movies, including Elf and this current one. This is beside the point, but this song off her album is really good, but the video is really weird.

Back to this movie. I guess all I want to say is that I really really really really really really really liked this movie. I found myself identifying with the main characters even though it doesn't really describe my relationship history in any way. I don't want to really talk about the plot in detail, but just take my word for it. It's a movie about their relationship, it's not formulaic, and it's really good.