Sunday, August 31, 2008

Will You Watch 902.0?

Da-na-da-dernt, Da-na-da-dernt (punch, punch)

The new 90210 starts this Tuesday at 8pm on the CW11 (imagine I said that in my announcer voice). Will you be watching? Don't front like all of you didn't watch the first one. I think I will watch the new one. At least the first few episodes. But we all know I'm the one who watches these silly shows, so I want a real opinion.

By the way, Kelly Taylor is a permanent member of the cast as a guidance counselor at West Bev (I'm down with the lingo), and Shannen Doherty will reprise her role as Brenda Walsh for at least 4 episodes, returning to direct the student play (remember when she left to get involved in the London theater scene?). Tori Spelling was going to come back as well, but now she's not (PS, no one cares).

Seriously though, will you watch? Mrs. Side Bar, I know you must be with me, again.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Pop quiz, hot shot

Who is the most scared of Johnny Mac choosing former beauty queen Sarah Palin as his vice president?

Answer: The former beauty queen on the right.

Remember why John-boy left his first wife? If you had a clear record of leaving your older, uglier wife for the younger, hotter new chick, why would you stay with the corpse that is Cindy if you could get on this:

Barack's Speech

Side Bar said one of us might be able how to figure out to embed Barack's speech. Well, great success, I did it.

It's a dope speech.

Allow me to introduce...DANIELA QUAYLE!

I mean, Sarah Palin.

What was all that I was hearing about Obama not being ready to be president?

Palin in Comparison

I want to write about the incredible speech that Senator Obama delivered last night at the Democratic Convention, but you either saw it or you didn't. If you did, then you know. If you didn't, then please, please, set aside some time today and watch it. If I wasn't old, cranky and inept at computer-type thingies, I would find a way to embed it here (maybe one of my co-contributors would be so kind).

And besides, news has just leaked that Senator John McCain has selected Alaska Governor Sarah Palin (sounds like PAY-lin) to be his running mate. I am struggling to decide whether this is the worst possible selection in this history of presidential politics (well, second worst , well, ok, third worst, but whatever, you get my point).

Governor Palin is three years younger than Barack Obama, has been governor for less than two years, and, until today, was known to exactly sixteen people. Moreover, in her limited executive experience, she has been running not California, not New York, not even Texas, but Alaska. Alaska has less than 700,000 residents, and almost half of them live in the city of Anchorage. If the entire state of Alaska were a city, it would rank 17th in the U.S. by population, between Forth Worth, Texas and Austin, Texas, and behind such metropolitan giants as Columbus, Ohio and Indianapolis, Indiana. Alaska is cold, dark (except in June when the sun stays out 24 hours a day), and so desolate that the government actually pays people just for living there.

And one more thing about Alaska? It is fucking weird. I am sorry, everyone can just calm the fuck down, but it is. Yes, I have been there (just for a few weeks), and it is like all the fucking weirdest, most eccentric people from Tennessee, Kentucky and Alabama just woke up one day and were like, fuck it, let's go skiing up in the middle of fucking nowhere.

By contrast, Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate Joe Biden has been a senator for 183 years, fought for the North and the South in the Civil War, and put Vladimir Putin in a headlock the last time he saw him, just as a warning. When life hands Joe Biden lemons, he uses them to kill the enemies of freedom. In fact, Joe Biden once took me out for a beer, couldn't find bar to his liking, so he just sat me down in the middle of the woods, and said: "wait here." In a few months time, some guys showed up and built a bar around us. When it finally opened, Biden ordered three shots of Wild Turkey, took them in a row, and washed them down with a shot of warm tequila. Then, without a word, Biden took out a book of matches, and set the place on fire. Over the roar of the flames he yelled to me, "always leave a place the way you found it."

Ok, fine, that didn't really happen. But policy positions aside, it cannot seriously be disputed that Joe Biden has a wealth of experience in the domestic and foreign arenas. And in a time of crisis, I think most Americans would be comfortable with Biden stepping in as President, even if only to hold the reins for a short while.

But Palin? McCain is 72, and has had a physically grueling life . . . it is not THAT unreasonable to think he might not live for another 8 years. How can he possibly tell Americans with a straight face that Palin is ready to be President at the drop of a hat. And even if he is successful in making that argument, can he also convince Americans that while Palin is ready to be President, Obama is not? I think even the most simple-minded voter (LJT's 12th grade analogy needs to be remembered at all times, I know) would see the intellectual dishonesty on that one.

Is this to win over disaffected Hillary Clinton voters? Is McCain out of his fucking mind? Does he have so little regard for the female brain that he is just like, "well, sure she is pro-life, a member of the NRA, and the governor of a state full of lunatics, but she is a woman. The Clinton chicks will surely dig that." Could these people possibly be that stupid? How many Hillary Clinton supporters are going to say, "sure, I hate everything about her, but she does have a vagina. Go McCain!"

I could be wrong. Maybe the disaffection among Clinton supporters runs so deep that they will do anything to keep Obama out of the White House. I guess her solidly right-wing positions on key conservative issues will please the Republican base, but if the name of the game is winning over the centrist/independent crowd, and convincing America that a young, inexperienced politician should not be handed the keys to the White House, then this seems like a very, very strange pick.

Let's Hope I'm Wrong

Here's a quote from me from a post on January 19, 2005:
Why is there only one black senator? There are one hundred senators and only 1/2 a black person. Until there are more black senators, there ain't never gonna be a black president. Write that shit down. Barack could single-handedly capture Osama bin Laden and balance the budget and that negro would still not get elected president.
I just thought I'd bring this back to light in the hopes that I'm wrong. At the very least he's got as good a shot as any other Democratic candidate, perhaps better.

Relatedly, here is Side Bar's comment to my post:
"Barack could single-handedly capture Osama bin Laden and balance the budget and that negro would still not get elected president."


Actually, though, I disagree. I don't think there is enough blatant, out and out KKK-type racism to preclude a black guy from getting elected President (i.e., not enough guys going, "fuck that, I agree with that guy on most issues, but screw it, he's black"). Racism as it exists today is much more subtle - a black guy with baggy pants and corn rows can't get a home equity loan at his local bank as easily as I could, minorities have a harder time getting a cab, etc.

This is the problem with success stories like Colin Powell, Condoleeza Rice, Barack Obama and the like. These leaders are used as evidence to support the claim that there is less racism in the country. That's bullshit. There's plenty of racism, it's just that a very few prominent black politicians have overcome it, and achieved positions still disproportionately held by whites.

Americans would embrace Obama the same way they would have embraced Powell (he was polling in the 40's in 1996), but I don't think that such an outcome would signal the sort of watershed moment in race relations that most pundits will announce.
PS - After a bit of a rest period for me, the Daily Show has once again become required viewing in this election season. It just does not get better.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

John McCain is an asshole, part 2

"That bitch behind me better not get ugly. Wait, what?
She already looks like a corpse? Call my divorce lawyer.
Uh...have I mentioned I'm a POW?"

(This is a follow-up to Side Bar's previous post, so definitely read that first. I think this will be the second in a long line of us trying to point out that genuine-war-hero John McCain might just be a total fucking jackass douchebag as well. LJT and Chuck: Please feel free to join in. There's shitloads of evidence out there. Also, if any of our tens of readers feel like contributing, let us know. Send an email, post a comment, call us, whatever. But please don't call me in the morning, especially on the weekend. I have a scheduled hangover, and I really can't move it.)

John McCain's first wife, Carol, was totally faithful to him while he was locked up and tortured for five-and-a-half years in Vietnam. During those years, she took care of their three children. Except for when she was hospitalized after life-saving surgery, when the kids (as well as some other family friends, I'm sure) had to take care of her.

Carol McCain had a horrific car accident in 1969 -- on Christmas Eve, no less, while she was delivering presents to friends -- where she flew through the windshield and barely survived. After her surgery, she didn't look the same. Just like any other human being who endures such an event.

John McCain came home from Vietnam unable to lift his arms above his shoulders, due to the daily torture he endured there. (Not really torture, though, according to a certain current president John McCain fully supports. That's hinky.) He, too, was disfigured.

Many people would consider moving on if her/his spouse was gone for five-and-a-half years, much less if she/he knew the likelihood of his/her return was unlikely, as it would be if the missing spouse were a POW for that length of time. Carol McCain, however, stayed faithful.

Like John, Carol had nearly died. When he finally returned home, a courageous hero of the highest order, what happened? He saw that his wife looked different. Read: not as hot as before. She was shorter. She was uglier. She was fatter. So John McCain began cheating all over the place, after a few years settling on the rich (family-rich, not earned by her), hot ex-rodeo queen. He then used her family's money to finance his now-ex-wife's alimony, housing, and medical care. Apparently, John McCain – who had endured five-and-a-half years of torture – could not endure his wife, his ever-faithful wife, looking the way she did. He had adopted her two children from her first marriage; they had had a child together. But, I guess, even that wasn't enough.

John McCain earned a whole hell of a lot of good will during those five-and-a-half years. But does that count for everything? As Side Bar pointed out, he was in his mid-40s when he decided to spend six months pursuing this rich heiress while he was still married to Carol McCain. This can't, a la George. W. Bush, be chalked up to “youthful indiscretion.”

And this is the candidate playing the “character” and “integrity” cards?


For the record (and this is not meant to be dickish [“McCainish”?]), here's how Cindy McCain looks these days. How long will she be around?

John McCain and Family Value

Recently, the UK Daily Mail published a story about John McCain's separation from his first wife (Open Bar gets the credit for finding this story and sending it to me). You can, and should, read the whole thing here.

For those who want the synopsis, here it is (with some of the info taken from here and here):
  • John McCain was married to swimsuit model Carol Shepp in 1965 (her first marriage ended in 1964 when she sued her first husband for infidelity).
  • In 1967, he was shot down over Hanoi, and endured five and a half years of torture at a Vietnamese POW camp.
  • In 1969, some two years into his captivity, Carol was in a serious car accident, leaving her unable to walk and severely disfigured.
  • McCain won his release in 1973, and came home to find his wife bore little resemblance to the woman he left: she was much shorter, because she had sections of her legs removed, and she had gained considerable weight.
  • In 1979, then 43 or 44, and still married to Carol, he met Cindy Hensley, who was 25, beautiful, and the heiress to a multi-million dollar beer distributorship.
  • Still married, McCain dated Cindy for six months, while pressing his wife to grant him a divorce. (side note: the Daily Mail article totally plagiarized this line: "Over the next six months he pursued her, flying around the country to see her. Then he began to push to end his marriage" - from a 2000 New York Times article, in which Nicholas Kristof wrote that: "Over the next six months, Mr. McCain pursued Miss Hensley aggressively, flying around the country to see her, and he began to push to end his marriage.")
  • In April of 1980 the divorce was finalized, and in May of 198o he married Cindy.
  • His children from the marriage to Carol did not attend the wedding, and would not reconcile with him for several years.

I understand that there are two sides to every story, and no doubt the McCain camp could explain this story in a manner that would assuage the discomfort it would cause in some of his supporters. But is that a reason to leave it unreported? Why have no major American news media outlets focused on this? Is it because they feel badly? Is it because he is not denying it? Was it too long ago?

And even if the mainstream media is not reporting it, surely they would report on the fact that others are reporting it. In other words, if and other 527's pressed this story, the media would report it, but take the high road and say that they were just covering the coverage, not the story itself (they cloaked themselves in that bogus excuse when John Kerry got swift-boated). So where are the left-leaning political action groups to bring this completely factual, entirely true story to light? What is going on here?

It is not an accident that McCain lost to George Bush in 2000 Republican primary in South Carolina. That contest was seen as a turning point in the race to unseat the Democrats, and Bush won, at least in part, because he took the gloves off and went after McCain with everything he could possibly find. Some of it true, some of it Rovian fantasy (like using push polling to suggest that McCain had an illegitmate black child). Of course none of us would tolerate the latter in our own candidate, even if it means you lose, but I am all for the former, especially if it means the other guy won't win.

So let's get to it, Democrats. As my co-authors have already observed this week, it is time to take the gloves off and start punching. John McCain is a man who wants to be president of the United States, but in his 40s (not in his 20s or even 30s) demonstrated a complete lack of a moral center. And the other side has the audacity to claim the mantle of the religious right, value voters, and moral superiority? Don't make me laugh.

"Family values" doesn't mean marrying the richest girl who says yes.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Would someone please shove a spiked bat up McCain's ass?

"What do you mean you've never heard of Delaware?"

Color me mildly unimpressed. A few nice speeches, sure. But I still feel like this convention hasn't been hitting the ball out of the park. The ball is there, it's right fucking there, sitting on a tee waiting to get knocked the fuck out. To paraphrase a certain someone, GET THE BALL! WIN IT, BARRY!

Though I didn't see it, I hear that John Kerry actually gave the best speech tonight. WTF? I saw Bill's speech, and it was good. Not great, certainly not his best stuff, though he did have a few nice points. My favorite:
"The world has always been more impressed by the power of our example than the example of our power."
Well said. I don't think he did as well as he could have, but I'm not as low on him as I was a few days ago.

Joey Biden did all right too, I guess. I was hoping for some outright trashing of John McCain. Biden gave us a bit of that, but not enough. I loved the "Freudian slip" part, and I really can't tell if it was rehearsed or not. (I've directed enough actors to be confident that I can usually tell that stuff, but with Biden, he just does that stuff naturally sometimes. So who knows? Wouldn't really surprise me either way.)

But (Kerry aside) where the fuck were the harsh attacks on McCain? Where were the brutal reminders of the innumerable atrocities perpetrated by the Bush administration? Where were the incisive reminders that what the other side has done the last seven years has failed pretty much every single time?

Here is a brief rundown of what we're likely to hear next week at the Republican convention:
  • Barack Obama cannot be trusted.
  • Barack Obama wants us be attacked by terrorists.
  • Barack Obama wants to kill babies.
  • Barack Obama hates God.
  • Barack Obama hates you.
  • Barack Obama is a suicide bomber.
  • Barack Obama rapes children.
  • Barack Obama was a major inspiration for Hitler.
  • Barack Obama is fucking your wife.
  • Barack Obama cheats at Monopoly.
  • Barack Obama got AIDS from a poodle because he's into bestiality and he's gay as fuck.
  • Barack Obama takes shits on the American flag, then burns that flag and leaves it on your elderly mother's doorstep.
  • Michelle Obama is his sister. SAME LAST NAME?!?!?!?!?
So yeah, maybe someone tonight could have bitched out McCain and Bush a bit more. I'm not suggesting that he had to call McCain way too fucking old and probably senile (if not now, soon) or remind everyone that he fucked around on his first wife, then divorced her after she got into a car accident and suddenly wasn't as hot anymore -- all so he could marry into Cindy's huge beer fortune. (Oh boy would I love to marry into a beer fortune. How sweet would that be? I would totally give up Side Bar's life for that. Sorry, man, but it is the way it is.)

But where was the shit about how Bush enabled and embraced torture as foreign policy? I really don't get it. To me, the biggest failure, the thing that has the farthest-reaching consequences is this administration's usage of fucking TORTURE as a main tool in the war on terror. How in the fuck did this happen? America's moral leadership is shot to hell right now -- not so much because of the Iraq war, though that is certainly part of it -- mostly because we've been TORTURING people and explaining it away for the last few years.

And what about Dick Fucking Cheney? Why the fuck has no one (rhetorically) shot that bastard in the face?

I guess there's Al Gore tomorrow, too. Maybe he'll come with the machete. Al, like Kerry tonight, has shown a remarkable growth in testicular fortitude since losing the presidential election. Forgive me if I'm a bit leery of it happening a third time in a row.

Argh. I hate making snap judgments about shit like this, because it's politics and you never really know how things are going to play. And hey, there's still one more day.

I'm not a Chicken Little. I don't care that the national polls have tightened the last few weeks. National polls don't mean shit anyway. And I've learned over the past year that Barack Obama is, in fact, smarter than I am. He beat the Clintons. That's still pretty unbelievable. I'm sure he has a plan, and after all, there are still more than two months till November 4th. I trust ya, Barry. But for God's sake, get someone out there to -- pardon my if you've heard this before -- cut McCain's nuts off.

I'm with ya, Barry. And to repeat what I said earlier: GET THE BALL! WIN IT, BARRY!

Mets Haiku II

It's that time of year, again.

Just before the fifth inning . . .

Summer, yields to fall
October beckons, sweetly
I shall embrace her

After the 13th

Cruelty awaits us
She laughs at familiar pain
Filthy, fucking whore

Open Bar's thoughts on tonight's Mets game





(author ties noose around his neck while trying to organize thoughts)

Guaranteed: Sportswriters tomorrow draw the connection between the Mets blowing a seven-run lead in tonight's game to them blowing a seven-and-a-half-game lead last season.

I hate to say it, but the Mets were in first earlier tonight, now the Phillies are. So the BLATANTLY FUCKING OBVIOUS CONNECTION THAT WILL BE TOTALLY OVERPLAYED is actually somewhat accurate. In spite of the stupidity.

In conclusion, I hate the Mets. Fuck you all.

Okay fine, I'll watch tomorrow's game.

And the next one.

And the next one.

Time to read some Camus.


How 'bout those Giants! Oh yeah. The whole Umenyora thing. Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.


Boy these pickles taste good.

No. No, they don't. Even pickles don't taste good anymore.


Is there good left in the world? I doubt it.

(author jumps off milk crate, neck snaps)

(in heaven, author has three-way with Angelina Jolie that Australian swimmer chick Stephanie Rice. Nice!)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


I just got back from Hawaii tonight, and I am going to write about it as soon as I can (You know what's fucking awesome? Hawaii). I am a little behind the other posts, and I will comment when I can, but I was watching the Mets tonight, and I had to get a Keith-ism on the record. In the top of the 8th, with Daniel Murphy pinch hitting, Keith was explaining that there are many ways out of a slump, and talked about the variety of remedies available to a struggling hitter, and concluded:

"It's 6 or 7, half dozen of the other." Now, never mind that this particular saying had absolutley no relevance to the situation at hand, Keith clearly does not understand what it means. If I could figure out a way to post the video here, I would. I have watched it about 13 times tonight.

Reality check: An open letter to Bill Clinton

Dear former President Bill Clinton,

I've been reading some things lately because the Internet is awesome, what with all these Web sites and what have you (way better than books and other such nerdy objects, unlike the Internet, which is jock-central [and, technically, not even an object -- discuss]), and I came across a few things about you that have, shall we say, disturbed me.

No, fuck that. This shit really pisses me the fuck off. A few choice excerpts:
"Bill Clinton is not over it. He's trying, his associates say. He's slowly getting to a better place. But his resentments from the bitter campaign battles of last winter and spring are many and diverse, and people who have spent time with him recently said they fester just below the surface."
"Some Democrats with high-level ties to both the Clinton and Obama camps said they were surprised that Obama has not done more to make the Clintons more enthusiastic about his candidacy."
"'There is a lot Obama could have done to unify the party, and basically he hasn't lifted a finger,' said one Democratic operative who is close to the Clinton team."
Hey Bill:


Get the fuck over yourself. Why the fuck is it Obama's responsibility? Why is it: "There is a lot Obama could have done"? Why isn't it: "There is a lot Bill could have done"?

Remind me again who won the nomination? Who is the winner? And, as follows logically, who is the loser (even though she began the contest with every conceivable advantage)?

Quit being a sore fucking loser about this and get your shit together. If your loser wife makes even the slightest fucking misstep during her speech tonight, or if you half-ass your way through your speech tomorrow ("Waaahhh, I don't wanna talk about national security!"), the both of you will be on the permanent shit list for the Democratic Party.

My second way-overused pic of the post.

You and your wife lost. You used to be in charge of the party. You aren't any longer. Ever. Stop acting all butthurt about it.

And no, no one's saying you're a racist, but you most definitely played the race card. I don't personally think you hate black people because they're black, but you absolutely did inject racial angles into things that had nothing to do with race. So people called your ass on it. STOP TRYING TO PLAY THE FUCKING VICTIM ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. You know what happened the last time you and your wife tried that? She blew the easiest major-party nomination, like, ever. The 2004 yankees ALCS collapse has nothing on your wife. And you know what? You were a major part of it.

Suck it up, fat boy. What you did during the primaries -- while egregious -- is not beyond forgiving. In fact, most of us would love to forgive you, love to have the old Bill back. Because we fucking hate the new Bill. Remember when you cheated on your wife and the whole world found out and it was embarrassing as fuck for you both? (I'm talking about the Monica thing, not the numerous other times that exact thing happened, nor all the times you've done it that we haven't found out about.) You know who defended you? Us. The people you're now being a total dick to. And if you remember, even when mad white people were deserting you, your strongest defenders were black. You asshole.

Come back home, Bill. Leave the butthurt, though.


Open Bar

P.S.: Yes, "butthurt" is my new favorite word. It's perfect. A perfect word. Like "comeuppance," my former favorite word, which is still my favorite word when my mother asks.

Monday, August 25, 2008

An Open Letter to Barack Obama

Dear Barack,

As we head into the Democratic Convention Week, I have to tell you: I'm concerned.

You did a great job slaying the evil two-headed Clinton dragon this winter/spring but it's time to change the game because you're looking a little soft these days.

First of all, you're letting Hillary, Bill and even Chelsea speak this week. Buddy would probably get some camera time if he hadn't been hit by a car and killed. Seems like a bit much to me. You're in danger of looking very weak.

Let's be honest here, Barry, the Clintons want you to lose. I don't care what they say, they would love nothing more than to see you flame out and give all of us a big, fat "I told you so". I realize, you think you need those Hillary votes but be careful, she's not on your side.

More importantly, the sad truth is that presidential elections are not won and lost on ideas, people don't really vote on issues. We, as Americans, aren't that thoughtful. This, first and foremost, is a popularity contest. You are running for President of 12th grade and you should afford the electorate the intellectual respect of high school seniors.

With that being said, go ahead and talk about change, the economy, the Iraq debacle, George W. Bush and all that good stuff. Go for it, you have to. But....

More importantly, trash John McCain.

I know, I know, you're above that and you're an intellectual and you're going to usher in an era of a new type of politics, except.....

You can't and you won't because it doesn't work - remember, we're not high minded citizens of a democracy - we are 12th graders. We're America, we love guns, tits and gossip. And if you don't wake up and get it together, you're going to be the third Democratic Nominee that is going to lose by being a pussy.

Now, you don't want to come out and say these things, but can and other 527s can. Then you can come out and disavow but they need to be put in our heads because you know damn well, McCain will do the same.

With the above in mind, here are the issues you should raise (rather, other people should on your behalf - it would be unbecoming for you to say it yourself):

  1. He's really really fucking old. McCain was born in 1936, same as the Hoover Damn. We were in the Great Depression, World War II hadn't started yet. The guy BEFORE Neville Chamberlain was Prime Minister of Great Britain. He's old, Barry, he's fucking Old.
  2. He's senile. Low blow? Yeah maybe, but guess what? He can't get Sunni and Shia straight. That's kind of important. He thinks Czechoslovakia is still a country. He can't remember how many houses he has. Do we really want Abe Simpson as president? I don't think so.
  3. THIRD TERM OF GEORGE BUSH. Lather, rinse, repeat....lather, rinse repeat....
  4. He's immoral. The guy came back from Vietnam to find his faithful wife waiting for him. She had been a model but had been crippled in a car accident. What did the conductor of The Sraight Talk Express do? He cheated on her. A lot. Then he left her. For a rich beauty queen, which is a nice segue into the next point...
  5. Cindy McCain is a drug addicted bitch. Barry, Barry, BARRY calm down. Do you want to be high minded and fair or do you want to win? We need you to win, so hear me out. Her father left his first wife for her mother. He apparently had mob connections. She's a rich heiress that hasn't really done anything productive ever. She was into some charities for helping kids - that is, until, the hospitals she worked with wanted to increase the alcohol tax to fund these programs. That would have hurt the beer distributorship she inherited. She doesn't really work there, mind you, just collects huge amounts of money. Oh by the way, she has a half sister (from the mom her dad left) that didn't get shit when he died. Grandpa had promised to help out the grandkids for their college payments - Evil Cindy put the ki-bash on that. Oh yea, she was addicted to painkillers, too. Sounds like an elitist to me. An evil one, too.
  6. They're racists. McCain is not going to say it but Rush is, Hannity is, and a lot of other guys are too. Now, in this day and age it's going to be more codewords but you're crazy if there are not going to be a steady drumbeat of reminders to all those red-blooded Americans out there that you are BLACK and probably a MUSLIM too. (Remember...12th graders....) Call them out on it. Remember, many Americans are a little bit racist but they don't want to think of themselves as racists. Shine a light on what those code words mean. People may not want a black guy to win but they don't really want be racists either.
Suck it up, Barack! I know you don't like it, I know it's sad but this is how you're going to win. Don't get fucking swift-boated!

If you have any doubts, I would point your attention to last week when Mr. Straight Talk himself accused you, essentially, of treason by saying that you would rather see America go to hell than lose this election.

It's go-time, B. The gloves are off, hit them with everything you can. Now. Please. For us.


The Notorious LJT

Saturday, August 23, 2008

The Ghettoest Event

The Olympics will be over soon, so no need to worry about any more of my useless Olympic posts. For reals, though, the ghettoest event is race walking. It's like, go as fast as you can, but don't run, that would be silly. It's like having a bike race on a Nascar course. Why?

PS - The Bird's Nest stadium is pretty fucking cool.
PPS - I'm glad no one ran out on the course and tackled a marathoner this year. (If I were even capable of running a marathon, it would take me at least 6 hours. This guy just finished it in 2.)

Friday, August 22, 2008

The Most Apropos Name Of All Time

I don't recall being quite as dumbfounded ever watching a sporting event as I was when I watched Usain "Lightning" Bolt win the 100 meter dash (the Giants winning the Super Bowl is definitely 2nd place, though). He destroyed everyone in the race. Literally (not literally) destroyed. He stopped even trying after 70 meters and he still broke the world record. I was honestly astounded.

The only video I could find of it is mad grainy and the commentary is in Italian (I think it's Italian). I'm not sure you can really tell how far out in front of everyone else he is. Also notice how he starts celebrating before the race ends.

Then he came out and destroyed clowns in the 200 meters as well. This video is not of great quality either.


Thursday, August 21, 2008

Random Thought

Great Adventure should change the name of the Great American Scream Machine to the "Original Great American Scream Machine".

That way they could call it the OrGASM.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Best Facebook comment ever?

(Disclaimer: This particular post may only hold meaning to those who went to our high school. Oh, and Side Bar, too, I guess. He lived in our town, so he'll probably get it too. Side Bar, for those who didn't know, went to a private school because he was better than us. Also, I'm going to rip on him repeatedly in this post, so maybe you should read it just for that. It's gonna drive him mad. You might even say, "schizophrenic." K-Bye!)

Now, we all know how Side Bar hates Facebook because he's a friggin' old man (Just look at his hair. Zing!) who also hates children and ice cream and sunshine and "things that are fun," but I felt I had to report this.

Chuck and LJT have access to this photo because they're on Facebook, but for Side Bar's cranky, old sake, I'll post it here:

That's us (and our esteemed friends AWD and Lumpy) outside Carmine's two Fridays ago celebrating Queen's Quest's "Bachelor Party." (I owe a drink to whoever figures that out first.) This picture was uploaded to Queen's Quest's Facebook page. One feature Facebook, uh, features is "tagging" photos. Side Bar, pay attention: You drag your mouse over someone's face in a picture and identify them, presumably so that other people can search for pictures of you.

Another Facebook feature is that it sends you messages when you've been tagged in a photo. And yet another is that folks are allowed to comment on these photos. And finally, if someone does in fact comment on a photo you're in, Facebook alerts you to that as well. It's amazing, isn't it? Though, yes, not as cool as color TV, right, Side Bar?

Anyway, I occasionally receive these messages from Facebook when someone comments on one of my photos, or someone else's photo that I'm in.

This afternoon, I received a delightful email from Facebook. Apparently, Queen's Quest had tagged me in the above photo. (LJT and Chuck, did you get this too?) Due to the anonymity principle of this widely read Web log, I won't type the name of the person who made the comment, but I'll post a screen shot of the Gmail message. I highly recommend you download the photo, because you need to read the comment. Upon downloading it (Stop me if I'm going too fast, Side Bar. If you need help operating basic photo software on your computer-machine, call me.), zoom in and read the name of the person and what he said. (You might be able to just click on it, too. Try that. Side Bar, that thing to your right is called a "mouse"...)

The basic situation is: Queen's Quest uploaded this photo, then tagged me, LJT, Chuck, Lumpy, and AWD. She didn't tag Side Bar because (have I mentioned this?) he's not on Facebook and can't be tagged. But instead of writing AWD's real name, she wrote someone else's. Someone very funny. A real person we all remember from high school. So in case you didn't get it, the person she named in the tag obviously isn't the person in the photo. Well played, Queen's Quest. Apparently, this falsely tagged person received a Facebook message and, well, disputed its honesty.

Now, granted, I can't be sure if he was serious or not. But goddammit, that is just about perfect. I'm not gonna say I shit myself because when people say that, it's always stupid hyperbole, but when I saw that comment, I totally shit myself. We all remember what happened to that poor kid. I'm half-amazed he's still alive, much less still in North Jersey (says his Facebook profile). I figured he'd've moved somewhere far away, like Central Jersey or something. (For y'all who don't know this kid -- he was that kid you knew in high school who got picked on mercilessly. He had a really weird voice, a weirder name, and the weirdest face this side of post-bullet-to-the-face Mary Joe Buttafucco.)

I think he was serious. I also must give serious dap to Queen's Quest for tagging our boy AWD with that guy's name. (AWD, like Side Bar, also isn't on Facebook because he's scared of newfangled nonsense like cellular telephones. In fact, he's not even on Gmail. Can you believe it? He actually has both Hotmail and Yahoo email accounts, but not Gmail. Hotmail! I didn't even know that was still around! AWD is slowly figuring out this World Wide Information Superhighway thing, though -- once he figures out how to get "12:00" to stop blinking on his VCR. Okay, that was pretty cliched. Sorry! Still friends?)

But think for a second: When [the guy in the picture, I can't even think of a good nickname; what's better than his real name?] received the message from Facebook that he had been tagged in a photo, then checked it, and saw AWD instead, what was his actual reaction?

I think it was "That's obviously not me."

Finally, the Internet has an honest commenter.

P.S.: Side Bar has old, wrinkly balls. That's why he likes kicking people in the balls. He's jealous of their young, supple balls. Because his are old. And wrinkly.

Friday, August 15, 2008

CockBlogging: Mad Dog, Olympics, and Deep Thoughts

I have been a right bastard for not posting more recently and I apologize to those of you who may have noticed. I've been somewhat busy with random things recently and whatever. Bottom line, I'm a bastard. I'm even more of a bastard because the three things I have been intending to post about recently are about a) Mike and the Mad Dog, b) the Olympics, and c) some random thoughts. The last three posts by my compatriots have addressed those three topics, but solipsism waits for no man, so I will readdress them.

Mike and the Mad Dog - I watched the beginning of the show on the YES Network today. It doesn't sound like the reason Russo left was because of fighting between him and Mike. Both of them went out of their own ways to say that they weren't fighting at the moment and that Russo was leaving essentially to pursue other opportunities. I think I believe them, though I know that part of it was that Mike is too big of a personality and Russo wants to go and be the man somewhere.

The Olympics - I, unlike LJT have always loved the Olympics. I have, I'm not joking, spent at least an hour or two watching things like archery, judo, and badminton on the Korean and Chinese channels in the past few days.

By far the best event in the Olympics is trampoline. Look out for that in the next couple of days now that real gymnastics is over. Also diving is really dope. Synchronized diving is in some ways even cooler.

Look out for the track and field events coming up after swimming. That should be interesting. I think USA basketball will win the gold, though I'll tell you for sure after tomorrow's game with Spain.

It really pisses me off that the alternate Olympics channel, which has 24 hour coverage, uses literally 18 of those hours to cover boxing. That shit is always on boxing, which is why I have been watching other more interesting events on the Korean channel.

I would like to see a little more variety in the coverage, but I guess the primetime coverage of live swimming and gymnastics is just bread and butter type shit.

Why is it that the women's beach volleyball teams have to wear miniscule bikinis? The mens' teams wear tank tops and gym shorts and the women wear almost nothing. It's definitely degrading.

Squee Oop, dinner's ready. I'll save the random thoughts for later.

Friday Classic Video: I Like Brandon Inge

If you are a fan of New York sports, you probably (a) have listened to Mike and the Mad Dog a fair amount, and (b) fucking hate them. But on Thursday night, Chris Russo departed WFAN for good, leaving Mike to host the show solo. There is a lot more to write about this, but I cannot help but post this video up here. It captures perfectly Francesa's pompous and inane observations about sports, and his sycophantic sidekick's inability to contribute anything other than white noise to the program. Turns out, Mike likes Brandon Inge. A Lot. (Thanks, Metsblog).

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The Olympics

I generally haven't really cared much about The Olympics the last couple of times around and I didn't even really care much when they started.
This week, my girlfriend and I were dog sitting in Manhattan and we have found ourselves watching every night and I really have enjoyed it.
Actually, I've enjoyed most of it - some of it I don't give a fuck about and, because I know you're interested how I feel about it, in detail I shall award medals to the three most interesting stories so far:
The Gold: Michael Phelps. This guy is amazing. I think it's really fascinating to watch an all time great athlete in his prime. Phelps just blows away the competition. Sometimes he's sort of taking it easy and you think someone else may have a chance and then you find he was just fucking with you and blows by. Also, it's been fun watching his medal chase.

The Silver: Gymnastics. The shit they do is pretty crazy.
    • The men's team (even though they're kids) bronze medal win was very exciting, although at the end these guys were trying to be, like, all hard-core into the camera. Shouting things like: "Yo, whatup kid representing America!" or "This is how we do!" or "Big ups, America". I sort of felt embarassed for them. Yes, it's a dope moment but, guys, you are: 5'4, white, a male gymnast and just came in third. You can probably leave the hard core thing in the locker room, thanks. His mouth is pretty fucked up or something but I'm sure he gets plenty of poontang anyway so I don't think we have to feel bad for him.
    • The women's team. Unlike the men's team, they had a good shot at winning the gold. They were pretty bad ass for a while, but then that chick Alecia Sacramona fell off the balance beam and then the rest of them kind of fucked up too. I felt badly for her but right before hand she was looking pretty cocky while joking around and shit right before she missed the balance beam.
    • The Chinese girls' team. You have to be sixteen to be a women's gymnastics olympian, apparently and there is no way those Chinese girls are sixteen. They look like they're nine.
The Bronze: Swimming in general. I guess racing is just fun and swimming is always so close it's just very entertaining. The girls are mad built by the way, they're backs are huge, it's a little weird looking.

For some reason I really could care less about volleyball. Someone apparently thinks I should, as it is on ALL THE FUCKING TIME but I just don't. Really. The women jumping around in bikinis is nice, though.

I'll watch boxing for a few minutes; softball for about one minute; and skeet shotting for maybe thirty seconds.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Deep Thoughts II

A few more . . .

Isn't Barack Obama super fucking lame for suggesting that Americans check their tire pressure as a means of making our cars more fuel efficient? What an ass. Next thing you know he is going to be telling us to wear seatbelts and watch the trans-fats. This is America, Barry -- the Constitution gives us the right to drive around on half inflated tires whenever we damn well please. Communist.

New York is the only city in the world (that I have ever been to) where you can walk outside and immediately know exactly what month it is by the smell. Unfortunately, August smells like a dead dog crapped in your shoe in the middle of trash rainstorm.

John Edwards recently said in a statement to the media "If you want to beat me up – feel free. You cannot beat me up more than I have already beaten up myself." What do you say we give it our best shot anyway, dick?

I go to the gym a couple of times a week. Every time I go, there are about five or six gym rats that are always there, without fail. I would often think to myself, "jesus, who are these fucking lunatics who exercise all the god damn time? Get a life." Then one day I realized that whenever I see them at the gym, I am also at the gym, and wondered, "do they think the exact same thing about me?" Probably not.

I cannot stand the fact that the female host of the Today Show (lay off, it's on at the gym in the morning) is contractually required to become best friends with the sweetheart du jour of American gymnastics. This is some 12 year-old girl who has been force-fed hormone suppressants since she was two so that she would remain 4' 3" and 75 lbs., practiced 22.5 hours a day for eleven years, and I have to watch Meredith Viera sit there fawning over how "cute" she is while they drink lattes on the plaza. Fuck that. Somebody get the archers in here.

And speaking of the Olympics, did you see the Opening Ceremonies? Holy crap. The Chinese are not fucking around. I feel like I am playing Risk with someone who has 338 armies on Kamchatka and is just biding their time. They can roll through Western United States and Eastern United States whenever the fuck they feel like it.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Side Bar is not a dick

Also a dick.

This post was originally going to be a comment in response to Side Bar's assholery. But the comment just kept growing, and it soon became obvious that I would have to let go and see what form it took. I was hoping it would take the form of Voltron. That, or a cheerleader in one of those, you know, cheerleader outfits, but... (sigh)'s just a post.

(Which reminds me, why hasn't one of us posted something about that conversation we had about how ridiculous Voltron was?)

[For some context, you should read Side Bar's recent post and check out the comments. I made one and for whatever reason, Side Bar decided to tear me a new one in response. Why? Because he's a dick. Here, I reply.]

Here we go again.

Last time you "grammatically bitch slap"ped me (again, be sure to read the comments), you had simply misinterpreted a joking response as some sort of attack on you as a person (and, more specifically, your aptitude with the English language). I thought I had cleared that up but, alas, you're overly defensive nature has reared its ugly face once more. That, and you're a dick.

So you chose to go with the second definition of "schizophrenic" both times. That made me wonder something: What did the first definition have to say? After all, when someone says something, he's generally going for the first-definition meaning; otherwise, it's incumbent upon the speaker to clarify, agreed? I mean, if I were to, I dunno, call you a "dick", I would clearly be referring to the first definition (using your references):

1. A detective.
2. Vulgar. Penis.
See? Why in the world would I have referred to you as a "dick" if I had meant the second meaning? Clearly, if I call you a “dick”, I mean that I think that you investigate murders like Jerry Orbach. If, for whatever reason, I thought you were a “penis”, it would be my responsibility to make that clear.

As for your second reference, the esteemed “”, here's what they have to say:
1. Chiefly British: A fellow; a guy.
2. Vulgar. A penis.
Again, my point is made. Although in this case, when I call you a “dick”, I do it in a British accent, and I mean that you're a fellow, a guy, a dude, a bro, a brah, a homey, my boy, etc... But if I meant the latter, it's on me to make that clear. Otherwise, how are you, the listener, supposed to figure out what the hell I mean? If you look a little further, the third definition says:
3. Vulgar. A person, especially a man, regarded as mean or contemptible.
Now, I certainly would never mean that, would I?

Side Bar, you wrote a very nice piece on the Mets' current situation. I particularly liked this part:
"The only thing they can do consistently is play inconsistent baseball."
Wow. That's effing brilliant. I've never seen anyone play “consistent” off “inconsistent” like that before. (Google it.) In fact, I'll bet that if you look up “inconsistent” and “consistent” in, like, an online dictionary or something, you'll find that they mean the opposite thing. Nice, dude. Antithesis. James Joyce, your Irish brethren, would be proud.

So apparently, the Mets are playing "inconsistent" baseball – meaning you never know how well they're gonna play. Good sometimes, and bad sometimes, right? And if they "consistently" do that – meaning that you know they're going to do that – uh, does that mean that they're...wait, I'm lost. If you never know if they're gonna be good or bad, but you always know that they're either going to be good or bad, does that make them inconsistent or consistent? You could say that they're inconsistent – good and bad, randomly. And you could say that they're totally consistent – good and bad, randomly. never know if they're going to be good or bad ("inconsistent"), but you do know that they'll be either good or bad ("consistent").

I'm not sure what that all means. I'll leave it to Chuck to parse my logic. But I can say this for a fact: What you, Side Bar, said was cliched as fuck with a cherry of meaninglessness on top. I'm sure you're gonna get all lawyerly on me and pick this apart, but hey, after all, you're a dick.

I consistently expect that from you.

P.S. Just to pile on, you also wrote this:

“[T]he Mets do not have a single relief pitcher who can consistently be called upon to get outs in a tough spot.”
You use “consistent” like Joe fucking Morgan?

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Heads or Tails

On June 16, the Mets were in fourth place in the NL East, six and a half games behind the first place Phillies, and appeared one more losing streak away from folding for the rest of the season. Then everything clicked. The team reeled off a ten-game win streak, Carlos Delgado caught fire, and the team's pitching was magnificent across the board. On July 25, the Mets were in sole possession of first place, two games ahead of the rival Phillies. But in just ten more days, the Mets gave back more than half of those gains, falling to third place, three games behind Philadelphia (where they stood before the start of play yesterday). The baseball season is notoriously long, and even the best teams have high points and low points through the six-month campaign (or seven-month, depending upon those first six). But over the first four months of the season, the Mets have been almost schizophrenic in their performance. The only thing they can do consistently is play inconsistent baseball.

So what to make of this team? Are they finished, as I lamented in an e-mail to a few people Monday morning, doomed to play uneven ball and hover around .500 while the Phillies gradually put the division away? Or are they just another ten-game winning streak from first place, ready to close the gap and more? I have no idea, but there are good arguments to support both predictions.

First, the good news:

Starting Pitching. Despite the rocky week the team has had, the Mets' starting pitching still looks like the best in the division. In July, only the Dodgers and the Cubs had better ERAs than the Mets' pitchers. Johan Santana is, as advertised, more and more dominant as the season progresses (but for the bullpen, he would have closer to 15 wins than the nine he has now). And as one of my co-contributors has already observed, the development of Mike Pelfrey into a front of the rotation starter has come at exactly the right time. Throw in an improving (if still uneven) Oliver Perez and a serviceable (and hopefully healthy) John Maine, and the Mets field a potential winner every single game. And Pedro is . . . well, Pedro. No other team can lay similar claim to that much depth in the rotation.

Carlos Beltran. Carlos Beltran has had a somewhat disappointing season. His offensive production is not too far off of what is fair to expect, and he continues to dazzle in centerfield. But Beltran has earned a reputation for catching fire two or three times a season, and going on a 10-15 day tear when he bats over .400, drives in a ton of runs, and hits a bunch of home runs. He has not had anything close to that kind of streak this year, and he is due. What better time for him to carry the team than in August, when, for his career, he is a .299 hitter with a .390 on-base percentage and a .537 slugging percentage (his best of any month in all three categories)? If Beltran gets hot, especially now that he is hitting in the number two spot in the batting order, this offense could easily put up six or seven runs a night.

Schedule. The Mets have, by far and away, the easiest remaining schedule of the three team competing for the NL East division title. As ESPN observes:
The clear edge goes to the Mets -- at least on paper. They only play seven road games after Sept. 3, and all seven are against non-contenders -- unless the Braves somehow play themselves back into the bidding. What's more, the Mets' only meetings with their division competitors -- the Phillies and Marlins -- are both at home. The Mets close out the final week at home; then again, that didn't seem to help them last September, did it? The Phils play 16 of their final 29 on the road, though they do have the luxury of playing their final six at home. Of the last three series with the Marlins and Mets, two are on the road, and the Phils still have a challenging seven-game West Coast roadie left, to say nothing of a four-game visit to Chicago to close out August. Florida's September schedule is split pretty evenly (12 home, 13 away). But with paltry attendance, can the Marlins count on much of a home-field advantage?
Phillies and Marlins. The Mets' chief rivals for the division title - Philadelphia and Florida - are good teams with a lot of strengths, but neither has shown any ability to put the Mets (or each other) away. They have questionable starting pitching, holes in their offense, and (as noted above) have tough schedules for the rest of the year. If the Mets can manage 87 or 88 wins (an achievable 30-21 between now and the end of the year), that might be enough to win the division.

But then again . . .

Bullpen. The Mets' bullpen is utterly unreliable. Of course, relief pitchers are typically not as good as starters (that's why they are in the bullpen and not the starting rotation), but the Mets do not have a single relief pitcher who can consistently be called upon to get outs in a tough spot. Even All-Star closer Billy Wagner has seven blown saves (I cannot help but think where the team would be if he had only blow, say, three of those, but whatever). I respect the team's decision to balk at the trading deadline when the asking price for bullpen help got too steep, but I wonder if they will regret trying to go it alone.

Carlos Delgado. What a month. Delgado (.357, 9 HR, 24 RBI) narrowly lost out to Ryan Braun (.366, 9, 23) for NL player of the month for July. But is there any way he can continue at his current pace? Answer: of course not. It seems reasonable to expect Delgado to come back down to earth in the next few weeks, and with that, the team's offensive production could falter a bit. I think the same argument can be made, to a lesser extent, about Fernando Tatis. If the Beltran hot streak isn't coming (see above), and if Delgado cools off considerably, the offense begins to look very mediocre.

Injuries. Injuries have been a problem for this team all year, and it's starting to get worse. There is still no indication when injured right fielder Ryan Church will be back. John Maine is on the disabled list. Billy Wagner is on the disabled list. Ramon Castro had to be helped off the field after a Saturday collision. And Pedro is . . . well, Pedro. The rookies and the veterans are filling in nicely, but this team is not going far with Dan Murphy and Fernando Tatis as its corner outfielders. And while I criticize Billy Wagner as much as anyone, he is the only guy I can see closing for this team in meaningful games in late September and beyond.

This team is not the best team in baseball, but neither were the 2006 Cardinals. This team does have a few of the best players in baseball, and if everything clicks at the right time, watch out.

Saturday, August 2, 2008


Tonight, Carlos Beltran is batting second. Jerry Manuel says he intends to keep him there for a while.

This is great news. I think (especially with Carlos Delgado hitting like circa-1999-Carlos-Delgado) this is an excellent move. It's something I've wanted for a long time.

I predict great things.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Don't Worry Fans, 86 Years From Now We'll Be Great

Apparently the Boston Red Sox hate winning. How desparate could they possibly be to trade Manny Ramirez, plus two prospects, for Jason Bay? What could he possibly have done? They might have felt like they weren't going to win with him, but they're definitely not going to win without him. And he only had two months left on the contract after 8 years. It just don't make no goddamned sense.

I was all ready to write a post that was titled something like, "Dear Mets, Remember1986? Well, Fuck You Too," when they were going to trade him to the Marlins, but that fell through. So the Red Sox managed to do favors to both the Yankees and Mets yesterday.

The Mets didn't really do anything at the deadline, but neither the did Marlins or Phillies, so we'll see what happens. I won't hold my breath.

The Yankees filled holes in the outfield (Nady), bullpen (Marte), and catcher (Rodriguez). The Red Sox got worse, and the (Devil) Rays did nothing. I think the Yankees are going to make the playoffs again based on yesterday.

Someone explain this to me. Unless Manny was murdering people in the clubhouse, I really don't understand this move at all.