Monday, August 25, 2008

An Open Letter to Barack Obama

Dear Barack,

As we head into the Democratic Convention Week, I have to tell you: I'm concerned.

You did a great job slaying the evil two-headed Clinton dragon this winter/spring but it's time to change the game because you're looking a little soft these days.

First of all, you're letting Hillary, Bill and even Chelsea speak this week. Buddy would probably get some camera time if he hadn't been hit by a car and killed. Seems like a bit much to me. You're in danger of looking very weak.

Let's be honest here, Barry, the Clintons want you to lose. I don't care what they say, they would love nothing more than to see you flame out and give all of us a big, fat "I told you so". I realize, you think you need those Hillary votes but be careful, she's not on your side.

More importantly, the sad truth is that presidential elections are not won and lost on ideas, people don't really vote on issues. We, as Americans, aren't that thoughtful. This, first and foremost, is a popularity contest. You are running for President of 12th grade and you should afford the electorate the intellectual respect of high school seniors.

With that being said, go ahead and talk about change, the economy, the Iraq debacle, George W. Bush and all that good stuff. Go for it, you have to. But....

More importantly, trash John McCain.

I know, I know, you're above that and you're an intellectual and you're going to usher in an era of a new type of politics, except.....

You can't and you won't because it doesn't work - remember, we're not high minded citizens of a democracy - we are 12th graders. We're America, we love guns, tits and gossip. And if you don't wake up and get it together, you're going to be the third Democratic Nominee that is going to lose by being a pussy.

Now, you don't want to come out and say these things, but can and other 527s can. Then you can come out and disavow but they need to be put in our heads because you know damn well, McCain will do the same.

With the above in mind, here are the issues you should raise (rather, other people should on your behalf - it would be unbecoming for you to say it yourself):

  1. He's really really fucking old. McCain was born in 1936, same as the Hoover Damn. We were in the Great Depression, World War II hadn't started yet. The guy BEFORE Neville Chamberlain was Prime Minister of Great Britain. He's old, Barry, he's fucking Old.
  2. He's senile. Low blow? Yeah maybe, but guess what? He can't get Sunni and Shia straight. That's kind of important. He thinks Czechoslovakia is still a country. He can't remember how many houses he has. Do we really want Abe Simpson as president? I don't think so.
  3. THIRD TERM OF GEORGE BUSH. Lather, rinse, repeat....lather, rinse repeat....
  4. He's immoral. The guy came back from Vietnam to find his faithful wife waiting for him. She had been a model but had been crippled in a car accident. What did the conductor of The Sraight Talk Express do? He cheated on her. A lot. Then he left her. For a rich beauty queen, which is a nice segue into the next point...
  5. Cindy McCain is a drug addicted bitch. Barry, Barry, BARRY calm down. Do you want to be high minded and fair or do you want to win? We need you to win, so hear me out. Her father left his first wife for her mother. He apparently had mob connections. She's a rich heiress that hasn't really done anything productive ever. She was into some charities for helping kids - that is, until, the hospitals she worked with wanted to increase the alcohol tax to fund these programs. That would have hurt the beer distributorship she inherited. She doesn't really work there, mind you, just collects huge amounts of money. Oh by the way, she has a half sister (from the mom her dad left) that didn't get shit when he died. Grandpa had promised to help out the grandkids for their college payments - Evil Cindy put the ki-bash on that. Oh yea, she was addicted to painkillers, too. Sounds like an elitist to me. An evil one, too.
  6. They're racists. McCain is not going to say it but Rush is, Hannity is, and a lot of other guys are too. Now, in this day and age it's going to be more codewords but you're crazy if there are not going to be a steady drumbeat of reminders to all those red-blooded Americans out there that you are BLACK and probably a MUSLIM too. (Remember...12th graders....) Call them out on it. Remember, many Americans are a little bit racist but they don't want to think of themselves as racists. Shine a light on what those code words mean. People may not want a black guy to win but they don't really want be racists either.
Suck it up, Barack! I know you don't like it, I know it's sad but this is how you're going to win. Don't get fucking swift-boated!

If you have any doubts, I would point your attention to last week when Mr. Straight Talk himself accused you, essentially, of treason by saying that you would rather see America go to hell than lose this election.

It's go-time, B. The gloves are off, hit them with everything you can. Now. Please. For us.


The Notorious LJT


Open Bar said...

I whole-heartedly agree. Get nasty, Barry, fuck it.

Primaries are one thing; the general election is another. As much as Democrats and whoever might want a "nicer politics", that shit ain't gon' happen as long as Republicans keep winning by using that strategy. Why would they stop?

And since they won't stop, you must engage. Democrats are itching to throw down after having seen Gore (yikes) and Kerry (ugh) fail pathetically to win elections they should have won in a walk.

Fuck those idiots who might claim that going negative will ruin your "bring us together" strategy. Those people are either Republicans hoping to keep you docile or, well, other stupid people.

Go after McCain, and go hard. Send every surrogate out with stories of McCain being a douchebag. We all know he's a POW, but if he wants to Guiliani-9/11 himself into ridiculousness, take advantage.

McCain promised he wouldn't go along with Swift Boat-style character attacks from independent groups ( but yet he does. So you have absolutely zero reason to hold back.

And he's old.

Older, even, than Side Bar.

Open Bar said...

"We're America, we love guns, tits and gossip."

That, sadly, is brilliantly accurate.