No, I do not want to join Facebook. No, I do not respond to messages on Friendster. No, I was not happy to join LinkedIn (I did it because a gie who is senior to me at the old job invited me, and then re-invited me, or whatever the fuck you call it, and it seemed like a dick move to keep ignoring him). But on the whole, I have this to say about Friendster, MySpace, Facebook, and all that other shit: Leave. Me. The. Fuck. Alone.
Look, the fact is, friendships run a natural course. You aren't supposed to be best friends with everyone. People enter your life, and exit your life, and the duration in between those two bookends is governed by what you have in common, how much you enjoy each other's company, and the experiences you've shared (or, in some cases, because your parents are friends and your mom makes you feel guilty about not hanging out with her friend's kid - why do you think these clowns included me in high school? Because they were nice? Hell no. Eileen hooked me up. But I digress).
The point is, these social networking sites artificially extend the duration of friendships beyond their otherwise natural conclusion. "Oh, look, Billy from Kindergarten is on Facebook." So the fuck what? There is a reason that me and Billy from Kindergarten haven't spoken in 24 years: we were never friends in the first place. Now I have to read that his favorite movie is Goodfellas, he works on computers, lives in Wayne with some girl he met at Rutgers, and his favorite movie is Goodfellas? Fuck that. And then what? Drinks? Dinner? Hell no. "OMG, Kelly from 8th grade totally Facebooked me the other day. She was so fucking hot when we were in middle school." We are old, married (in some cases), and not banging girls who were hot when they were 12. Stop it. All of you.
Scrabble? Come on. You fuckers know me better than that. You can play scrabble on-line in any number of ways. Please don't give me this "I just joined it for the games" crap. That's like these people who are still telling their wives that they are reading Playboy for the articles. Cut it out. You want games? Here. Every Nintendo game ever (except Zelda for some reason, but you can play that here). Now you can play Tecmo Bowl for free all day and not worry about Facebook.
Social networking sites are for college kids and teenagers who think that every time they study for an AP History test that they need to put some inspirational quotation on their home page to capture the moment, or who have nothing better to do but harass other kids with lower self-esteem by sending them insidious messages over the internet.
It's a series of tubes, dagnabbit.