Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Stay out of the ocean!

I see nothing wrong with this at all.

I've hesitated to write much about about a certain topic near and dear to me, as there has not been what economists would call "definitive proof" or "evidence" to support me. But now, after unearthing a true piece of groundbreaking and life-altering journalism, I feel the time has come. (And yes, I'm aware of The Sun's prior reputation as something of a tabloid, but I think this piece proves they've turned the corner.)

Many of you likely enjoy swimming. Some of you stick to pools, some even venture into the occasional lake. But, as I've been saying for years, stay out of the goddamn ocean!

Why, you might ask?


But don't take it from me. Here's how Jose Leonardo Castillo, a former economist who now sees the light, of Mexico's internationally renowned National Fishing Institute (they're like NASA down there) put it:
"One theory we're investigating is that a group of sharks have developed a taste for humans."
Didn't you see Jaws? Aren't you aware how vicious and single-minded these marvels of evolution are? And yet every summer I hear at least one (usually more) story of sharks eating people. Stupid surfers. Dumbass kids. Old people. Everyone is vulnerable.

You know why? The ocean is the shark's home. If a shark walked in through your front door, you'd be totally within your rights and morals to shoot the fucker and eat it. Fuck him. My home is my castle and whatnot. Well guess what you're doing when you step into the ocean for a nice little dip. You're doing the equivalent of a shark breaking into your house!

You keep your food and children in your house, right? Where does a shark keep his?

Jesus! And we humans are supposed to be the species capable of reason and rational thought.

I have absolutely zero pity for the "victim" when I hear about a shark attack. As Vincent Vega said, "You play with matches, you get burned." Sure, the experts (read: economists) tell you the odds are incredibly slim. You know what else is slim? A shark who hasn't recently eaten.

Yes, perhaps, maybe, I suppose I might be a bit extremist about this. I sometimes get "pool spooks" when I think something has brushed past my leg while swimming (yes, in a pool). And before my idiot cohorts throw the obvious at me in the comments, this fear had nothing to do with me getting banned from LJT's Fourth of July parties. That was for stealing cookies and hitting my brother, completely legitimate reasons. But the point remains the same, if you go in the ocean voluntarily and a shark eats you or even part of you, it is 100 percent your fault, shithead. Not only are you intruding where you don't belong (Do you have fucking gills?), you're a pretty easy piece of meat for a species that has survived for millions of years without evolving much at all.

All sharks do is eat and swim and make baby sharks. You're a goddamn human being. Read a book. Play a game. Tell your kid you love him. And for God's sake, teach him life's most obvious lesson:

Stay out of the ocean!


Joe Grossberg said...

Last year, as many people were killed by drinking too much water for a radio station contest to win a Nintendo console as were killed by shark attacks.

Not getting eaten by a shark is actually a pretty reasonable expectation.

Open Bar said...

You miss the point entirely.

The point is that now we have completely valid scientific proof that sharks are targeting humans as food.

The water that dumbass drank didn't actively desire her flesh.

Stop being such an economist and use your head, Joe. Sheesh.

ChuckJerry said...

"...this fear had nothing to do with me getting banned from LJT's Fourth of July parties."

You read my mind, bro. That's pretty boss (weren't we bringing that back?).

Side Bar said...

[insightful/funny observation]