What the eff, America? Los Angeles edition

Chuck had a nice rundown the other day about how the various punishments meted out recently to several athletes (including Plaxico Burress, who shot himself in the leg and received two years jail time) didn't quite seem to match the severity of their crimes. And then yesterday, in the City of Angels (whatever the fuck that used to mean), awesome singer and all-around stand-up guy Chris Brown was "sentenced" to all of community service and probation. His crime, if you recall, was doing this to Rihanna:


Some specifics, from the LAPD ("Robyn F." = Rihanna):

"A verbal argument ensued and Brown pulled the vehicle over on an unknown street, reached over Robyn F. with his right hand, opened the car door and attempted to force her out. Brown was unable to force Robyn F. out of the vehicle because she was wearing a seat belt. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against the passenger window of the vehicle causing an approximate one inch raised circular contustion. Robyn F. turned to face Brown and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then drove away in the vehicle and continued to punch her in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand. The assault caused Robyn F.'s mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.

"Brown looked at Robyn F. and stated, 'I'm going to beat the shit out of you when we get home! You wait and see!'

[snip]

"Brown resumed punching Robyn F. and she interlocked her fingers behind her head and brought her elbows forward to protect her face. She then bent over at the waist, placing her elbows and face near her lap in attempt [sic] to protect her face and head from the barrage of punches being levied upon her by Brown. Brown continued to punch Robyn F. on her left arm and hand causing her to suffer a contusion on her left triceps that was approximately two inches in diameter and numerous contusions on her left hand.

[snip]

"... before she could make a call he placed her in a head lock with his right hand and continued to drive the vehicle with his left hand. Brown pulled Robyn F. close to him and bit her on her left ear ... Brown began applying pressure to Robyn F.'s left and right carotid arteries causing her to be unable to breathe and she began to lose consciousness. She reached up with her left hand and began attempting to gouge his eyes in an attempt to free herself. Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and then released her."

(And, for the record, the parts I snipped out were the boring parts, not the parts where Chris Brown helped those old ladies cross the street and then visited those sick kids in the hospital.)

To sum up:

1. Chris Brown beat the ever-loving shit out of his girlfriend and is a free man.

2. Plaxico Burress pulled a Cheddar Bob...



...and is going to jail for two years.

Now, this is not Arizona. New York is definitely not the place to be caught carrying a gun (especially not during campaign season, eh Bloomberg?), but the disparity here is stunning. Plaxico Burress -- whose teammate and friend Steve Smith had just been robbed at gunpoint -- shot himself in the leg. Meanwhile, in L.A., Chris Brown viciously attacked a woman -- who, it turns out, is another person -- causing her severe injuries.

What the eff, man? I guess the stereotypes of New Yorkers being uptight and Californians just not giving a fuck about brutal violence toward women are true. Although, I shouldn't exaggerate about Los Angeles like that. It's not like you could just cut some chick's head off and expect to go unpunished or anything.

Wait...