Dear Our Fans,
Oh, hello. Frankly, we're surprised that there are any of you left.
What do we have to do? We've been irrelevant for a decade. We've had scandals, losing record and horrible personnel decisions.
We didn't get LeBron. Instead we signed Amare' Stoudemire along with his balky knee and fucked up eye. Well, him and three gies none of you have ever heard of.
We even traded your favorite player, David Lee.
Really guys, you're pathetic! Don't you have any self respect at all?
Ha! Just kidding, we don't think you do. We don't respect you either!
Seriously, here's the deal: fuck you.
Fuck you, bitches! We suck and we are going to continue to suck and there's nothing you can do about it!
Just to prove our point, we're going to kick you in the balls. Proverbially speaking, of course because it'd take too much effort for us to go kick all of you in the balls. Frankly, we don't think you have any balls anyway.
You're like the Tina Turner of basketballs fans. That would make us Ike, of course.
That's right, bitches, we just signed Isaiah Thomas as a consultant.
Yes, that Isaiah Thomas. The Isaiah Thomas who signed Eddie Curry. The Isiah Thomas who traded for Zach Randolph. The Isiah Thomas who got us dragged to court of sexual harassment. The Isaiah Thomas who OD'ed on sleeping pills and tried to make people think that his daughter was the one who OD'ed. The Isiah Thomas that ensured that we are going to suck for years and years and years. Yep, that one, bitch! How you like them apples?!
Now, he's just a consultant. Not a major role, that's true, but we think it's just enough to remind you that we don't give a fuck about you. Really, we don't.
We're not kidding.