Friday, August 6, 2010

An Open Letter From The Knicks To Their Remaining Four Fans

Dear Our Fans,

Oh, hello. Frankly, we're surprised that there are any of you left.

What do we have to do? We've been irrelevant for a decade. We've had scandals, losing record and horrible personnel decisions.

We didn't get LeBron. Instead we signed Amare' Stoudemire along with his balky knee and fucked up eye. Well, him and three gies none of you have ever heard of.

We even traded your favorite player, David Lee.

Really guys, you're pathetic! Don't you have any self respect at all?

Ha! Just kidding, we don't think you do. We don't respect you either!

Seriously, here's the deal: fuck you.

Fuck you, bitches! We suck and we are going to continue to suck and there's nothing you can do about it!

Just to prove our point, we're going to kick you in the balls. Proverbially speaking, of course because it'd take too much effort for us to go kick all of you in the balls. Frankly, we don't think you have any balls anyway.

You're like the Tina Turner of basketballs fans. That would make us Ike, of course.

That's right, bitches, we just signed Isaiah Thomas as a consultant.

Yes, that Isaiah Thomas. The Isaiah Thomas who signed Eddie Curry. The Isiah Thomas who traded for Zach Randolph. The Isiah Thomas who got us dragged to court of sexual harassment. The Isaiah Thomas who OD'ed on sleeping pills and tried to make people think that his daughter was the one who OD'ed. The Isiah Thomas that ensured that we are going to suck for years and years and years. Yep, that one, bitch! How you like them apples?!

Now, he's just a consultant. Not a major role, that's true, but we think it's just enough to remind you that we don't give a fuck about you. Really, we don't.

We're not kidding.

Fuck you.


The Knicks


Side Bar said...

I have been on Cape Cod this week and I have not been watching the news, reading the paper, etc. So I was out at a bar last night with a few friends up here and we started talking about the NBA. People up here are sort of chuffed about the whole Shaq thing - seeing at as a sort of amusement, and we were talking about LeBron, etc. And when the topic turned to the Knicks I was lamenting how bad they are, and how tough it is to be a fan, and I joked with this one guy that the last straw would be for them to re-hire Isaiah Thomas.

Ha ha.

And he just sort of looked at me blankly for a second and was like, well, they did. This week. He is a consultant with the team now (this is why you all got that dumbfounded text from me at like 11 last night).

I am officially done. I reserve the right to hop back on in a couple of years if something turns around (presumably involving a raging inferno or a bolt of lightning and the Dolan compound on Long Island). But this is it. We said all along that Isaiah would be the last straw. So I am done. I was trying --- really trying --- to stick with this team. But fuck it. I have the Mets and the Giants to let me down every year - I just don't need this.

I am all for standing by your team through the good times and the bad, but no fan should have to go through this kind of active abuse from the team. As Ev suggested a few weeks ago, we should all get to pick a new team and root for that one. I am accepting applications through the fall.

Side Bar out.

ChuckJerry said...

I, too, am accepting applications for a new team. All teams are open for my free agent fan services with the following exceptions: Lakers, Heat, Sixers.

I think the Nets are the early front runner, but I'm leaving my options open.

By the way, my word verification is "boypal". Does that make me a pedophile?

Anonymous said...

Hey guys,
Luke, dope post. I have been a lot more disappointed with the management moves than the players on the court. Jerry and Brian-come to the Nets, yeah they suck worse than the Knicks right now, but the future is bright, after a couple of years in Newark, the future is Brooklyn is looking good.
If your interested in the whole "Nets Sale Pitch," let me know.