A Douche, a Whole Douche, and Nothing But a Douche
It is a little known fact that I went to law school. While I was in law school, we learned some very arcane rules that most people have probably never heard of, like . . . oh, I don't know . . . you can't lie to Congress when you are under oath. It's called perjury.
As Open Bar put it, it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.