Monday, July 27, 2009

"This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains...

This will come into play later.
(And don't read it. It sucks.)

...Think about that for a while."

In tonight's baseball contest between the Rockies of Colorado and the sucky Mets, one of those really odd things that shouldn't have happened happened.

The situation: Bottom of the 8th inning, game tied at 3. Rockies pitcher Juan Rincon walks the first two batters, Luis Castillo (of the astounding +.400 OBP) and David Wright.

Next up? Cleanup hitter Daniel Murphy. (Sigh) Who proceeds to bunt. (Is there a God?)

I'm lazy, so I won't do any research, but I'm willing to bet that it's highly infrequent for a major league baseball team to ask its cleanup hitter to bunt with two men on and nobody out in the 8th inning of a tie game. But bunt he did, and well, and the Mets wound up with 2nd and 3rd, one out, and the mighty Jeff Franceour coming to the plate.

If that bunt wasn't odd enough, the Astros decided to intentionally walk Franceour.

This is sacrelige. Franceour NEVER WALKS. He swings at everything. Since he joined the Mets, the only reason his OBP is higher than his average is because he got hit by a pitch. He hasn't taken a single walk in a Mets uniform, yet the Astros intentionally walk him.

To be clear, intentionally walking Jeff Franceour to load the bases late in a tie game is simply begging the baseball gods to punish you.

Now up? The fearsome (i.e. not fearsome) Cory Sullivan. Obviously terrified of the journeyman outfielder who was just brought up from the minors a few days ago, the Astros switch pitchers. This forces Mets "manager" Jerry Manuel to pinch hit Fernando Tatis. Now, the thing about Tatis is that he hits into double plays like Chris Brown does to Rihanna. Out of 52 double-play chances this year, he's hit into 13 -- a 25% percent rate, which is friggin' astronomical. It's almost like the opposing managers were having a Dumb Off.
"Okay, I'll walk the guy who swings at everything. Go."

"Fine. You want a double play? Here's my DP machine. Go."

"Oh yeah? Well I'm gonna remove my catcher from the game and replace him with reality TV star Kendra Wilkinson. Go."

"That all you got? Rather than a baseball bat, I'm sending my hitter up with this copy of Deception Point by Dan Brown (see above). He wrote it before The Da Vinci Code, bitch!"
So the new Rockies pitcher throws two ridiculously good pitches, which Fernando Tatis has no chance of ever hitting. 0-2 count. It's hopeless.

And, of course, on the next pitch, Fernando Tatis hits a fucking grand slam.

The baseball gods have spoken.


Side Bar said...

Yeah, but, you know, Fernando Tatis hit two grand slams in a single inning that one time, and you know how Gary loves to bring that up every single time Tatis comes up with the bases loaded, so that must count for something.

Nice work out of Omar yesterday, by the way. Good lord.

ChuckJerry said...

The people on Earth who I hate, in order from least to greatest:

4) Spencer Pratt
3) Adolph Hitler (he'd be higher but he's dead)
2) Omar Minaya
1) Osama bin Laden

ChuckJerry said...

By the way, Gary Cohen nearly creamed in his pants that time the Phillies started Chan Ho Park this year against the Mets and Tatis faced him like 3 times.