Tuesday, June 1, 2010

King James Approximately

An Open Letter To Lebron James

Dear Lebron,

Sometime around the beginning of July you're going to decide on where to spend your basketball prime.

As someone who didn't go to college and, therefore, didn't get to go through the recruiting process you've been pretty openly looking forward to your summer of felation.

When we used to have a pro-basketball team in New York, I was a big fan and you're probably the only thing that could bring me back into the fold. I definitely want you to come to New York and I will cheer along as Donnie Walsh and Mike D'Antoni and whoever else kiss the royal behind.

Now, having said all that, I hope you don't mind me giving you some advice.

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.


You've been openly saying how much fun the summer is going to be. Flirting with New York. Saying Cleveland "has an edge". Talking about how you and all the free agents are going to strategize how to "make the league better". You even rocked a Yankees cap at a Indians-Yankees game. Don't tell me you didn't know everyone in Cleveland wasn't reading into that.

How about you shut the fuck up and get your dick sucked behind closed doors like a grown up?

You're teasing Cleveland and everyone else. You know what that makes you? It makes you a ho, Lebron. Yes it does.

And you know what? You haven't really done all that much yet. Of course for anyone else you've had a hell of a career. But you're not anyone else. If you don't win multiple championships, you're going to be seen as a failure. You showed no balls this post-season, so let's get off that high horse. You have a lot to prove if you're going to go down as a top five all time great. And with your talent, size, charisma and hype, anything short of that will make you a disappointment.

So let's be real here, you basically have three choices: Cleveland, Chicago & New York.

Cleveland sucks. It sucks as a place and the team sucks. Let's face it, you're not staying there. Especially after Delonte West banged your mom.

So your choices are either Chicago or New York.

Chicago has got the better team right now. Derek Rose is an excellent point guard, Joakim Noah is a good big man. Good talent base.

New York, is, well New York. Yeah they're a minor league team but they do have cap space and if you come it will make the Knicks a very attractive free agent destination. And if you win two or three championships in New York you can own the greatest city in the world forever. We're talking Mickey Mantle level idolatry here.

Maybe you go to a Miami or even Brooklyn but I doubt it.

In any case, enjoy the wining. Enjoy the dining. Hell, enjoy the cheerleader filled orgies I'm sure these teams have lined up for you. But, please, for your own sake. Stop being such a tease.


The Notorious LJT


ChuckJerry said...

Delonte West banged your mom.

Open Bar said...

It really would be absurd how much New York would worship that guy if he came here and won a few championships. That must be nice -- being a famous pro athlete. It's like, it doesn't matter how good I am at "Princess Bride" trivia or cooking pork chops, that won't ever get me the kind of love Lebron could have.

Come to NY, Lebron. Help me lose the sads.


Open Bar said...

Oh, and I just thought of this: Can we start referring to the whole Delonte West-banging-Lebron's-mom thing as the King James Libel?

Walt Clyde Frazier said...

Excellent post, LJT. As always.

rick said...

Well done Luke, Lebron is teasing like $eema M#rthy in 10th grade!!
I don't think Lebron is going to chicago. If he did, he would spend literally his entire time there being compared to Jordan and lets face it, Lebron ain't winning 6 championships, especially if he keeps bitching out in the playoffs.

If the Nets were opening up the arena in Brooklyn this year, instead of spending the next two seasons in Newark, I think the Nets would be a great fit. Brooklyn hasn't had a pro team since the Brooklyn Dodgers, Brooklyn fans would represent big time, Lebron would be the face of a new franchise, along with a new russian billionaire owner who seems serious about spending dough to get great players. Jay Z as a part owner doesn't hurt the street cred either.
Lebron will probably end up a knick, outside chance for jersey.

Anonymous said...

NY would eat Lebron alive. It would be the end of him. He would end up in the long line of almost...
He would have more hoes than Tiger.

He should stay in Cleveland and keep his mom away from NBA parties.


jenn said...