Side Bar, Defend Your Motherfucking Boy. Again.

Here's what Don Imus said yesterday while talking to Warner Wolf about Adam "Pacman" Jones.

"He's been arrested six times since being drafted by Tennessee in 2005," Wolf said.
"What color is he?" Imus asked.
"He's African-American," Wolf responded.
"Well, there you go," Imus said. "Now we know."

Side Bar is going to tell us that he believes his explanation/apology, which is that he meant to imply that cops like to arrest black people (though not many other NFL players have been arrested 6 times in the last 3 years), and not that black people like to get themselves arrested.

I don't really care if Imus is a racist or not, I just wish he would keep his fucking mouth shut so we don't have to hear from Al Sharpton.

Monday Intriguing Video: Where the Hell is Matt?

OB found this, and for some reason I find it completely entrancing. Enjoy.



If interested, read more about it here.

Social Networking Sites are Stupid

No, I do not want to join Facebook. No, I do not respond to messages on Friendster. No, I was not happy to join LinkedIn (I did it because a gie who is senior to me at the old job invited me, and then re-invited me, or whatever the fuck you call it, and it seemed like a dick move to keep ignoring him). But on the whole, I have this to say about Friendster, MySpace, Facebook, and all that other shit: Leave. Me. The. Fuck. Alone.

Look, the fact is, friendships run a natural course. You aren't supposed to be best friends with everyone. People enter your life, and exit your life, and the duration in between those two bookends is governed by what you have in common, how much you enjoy each other's company, and the experiences you've shared (or, in some cases, because your parents are friends and your mom makes you feel guilty about not hanging out with her friend's kid - why do you think these clowns included me in high school? Because they were nice? Hell no. Eileen hooked me up. But I digress).

The point is, these social networking sites artificially extend the duration of friendships beyond their otherwise natural conclusion. "Oh, look, Billy from Kindergarten is on Facebook." So the fuck what? There is a reason that me and Billy from Kindergarten haven't spoken in 24 years: we were never friends in the first place. Now I have to read that his favorite movie is Goodfellas, he works on computers, lives in Wayne with some girl he met at Rutgers, and his favorite movie is Goodfellas? Fuck that. And then what? Drinks? Dinner? Hell no. "OMG, Kelly from 8th grade totally Facebooked me the other day. She was so fucking hot when we were in middle school." We are old, married (in some cases), and not banging girls who were hot when they were 12. Stop it. All of you.

Scrabble? Come on. You fuckers know me better than that. You can play scrabble on-line in any number of ways. Please don't give me this "I just joined it for the games" crap. That's like these people who are still telling their wives that they are reading Playboy for the articles. Cut it out. You want games? Here. Every Nintendo game ever (except Zelda for some reason, but you can play that here). Now you can play Tecmo Bowl for free all day and not worry about Facebook.

Social networking sites are for college kids and teenagers who think that every time they study for an AP History test that they need to put some inspirational quotation on their home page to capture the moment, or who have nothing better to do but harass other kids with lower self-esteem by sending them insidious messages over the internet.

It's a series of tubes, dagnabbit.

Friendly Advice

As we embark on a weekend sure to be filled with way too much drinking, this seemed very appropriate.

Happy summer, from all of us at Where's Luke?

Blogiquette

A couple of ground rules to consider for the blog. I am curious what the other contributors think, as well as any of our readers (though in truth, we probably don't care what you say, and will decide the rules no matter what you think, and we might even make our decision based in part on the opposite of your opinion).

The issue: Cockblogging.

The description: This is Open Bar's term, and while to me it sounds like an online diary focusing on one's penis, it has come to mean posting to the blog immediately or shortly after another contributor has posted, thus demoting (in terms of position and thus prominence on the site) the earlier-in-time post.

My opinion: I am torn on this one. Part of me thinks it is silly to prevent the other contributors from posting whatever and whenever they want, but I too know the pain of putting up an absolutely spectacular post, only to have it demoted within hours, if not minutes, by some nonsense about how "fucking awesome" America is. Should we consider a six-hour rule? A twelve-hour rule? If so, what about the fact that everything Open Bar posts hits the site between 2:00 and 5:00 a.m.? Does that change the analysis. I think I am leaning towards no rule on this. As long as you put something substantive/funny/engaging/interesting on the site, and you are not posting merely to bury another post (which I don't believe anyone has ever done), we should all be encouraged to post without any time restrictions.

The issue: Commenting on Posts

The description: It has been suggested (perhaps "implied" is a better word) that one should not post -- particularly if such post is "cockblogging" another's post (see above) -- without first commenting on the earlier-in-time post.

My opinion: I will readily admit that I really like it when people comment on my posts, particularly when it is one of my co-contributors and they approve of a piece that I spent a lot of time preparing. That said, I cannot see how we can make it a prerequisite to posting that you comment on earlier posts. Sometimes no comment is necessary, sometimes if you can't say anything nice, etc., and sometimes you just don't feel like it. Anyone disagree?

The issue: Labels

The description: Labels are the funny/informative tags applied at the end of the post. I probably should have just called them "tags," and then you would have known what I meant without the need for this description. When you post to the blog, there is a separate field for adding tags, and if you begin to type one that has already been used, Blogger fills it in for you (which is nice).

My opinion: We have enough. In fact, we have 381 of them, compared with 364 posts (including this one). Yes, I counted. There is nothing you can add to this blog that cannot be covered by one of the existing tags. I think we should only use pre-existing labels from now on. Which is to say you can only use labels that Blogger auto-fills for you as you type them in. Sometimes it's a bit of a stretch, but it generally works, and that makes it funnier/more interesting anyway. I am not sure how often we will use tags like "Yorvit is a stupid name," and "poster-board is the new construction paper," but more standard ones like "Mets," "Barack-ing My World," and "Dogs raping children--funny?" will be used all the time. I guess the only problem is that we would have to police ourselves pretty carefully, and it might be a rule that no one wants to/is willing to enforce.

Patti Solis Doyle...is hot

Schwing!

Poor, poor Willie.

The guys over at Y2K had a nice run of posts today on Wilhelm Von's firing. I won't go into it much, except to say that I don't think it's gonna make much of a difference. Wilhelm didn't make Moises Alou 476 years old. He didn't cast a Sucking-at-Baseball spell on Carlos Delgado. He bears no blame whatsoever for Billy Wagner's three straight monstrous chokes.

Wilhelm was there, however, for the magical 2006 season. (Suck on my cock for eternity, Yadier Fucking Molina.) Which makes it all the more insulting the way the Mets handled this whole thing.

Tough day all around.

Which brings me back to the picture at the top. As you may have heard, Patti Solis Doyle, Hillary's old campaign manager who got fired because Mark Penn and Bill Clinton (both of whom had the real power in the campaign) messed everything up, has taken the position of Chief of Staff for Barack's Vice Presidential choice. Seems like a bit of a slap in the face to Hillary, but it could also be a coming-together maneuver. Apparently, Ms. Doyle is an old buddy of David Axelrod, Barack's Karl Rove-dude. We'll see how this all plays out.

But most importantly, how come no one ever showed me a picture of this lovely Latina? When you hear "campaign manager," a sexy mamacita isn't exactly what jumps to mind. (Also, what kind of a Latin name is "Doyle"? Or is she like a chica Bill Richardson?)

So I have an important question.

Which sounds better: Patti Solis Bar, or Patti Open Bar?

¡Me gusta!

Wilhelm Von Randolph

Peace out, Willie.



I like Willie as a person, but I'll tell you the exact moment I lost faith in him as the manager of the Mets. It was 0.04 seconds after he said (paraphrasing), "Yeah, there are some bumps in the road right now, but it'll all be that much sweeter when we're sipping champagne." Because at that moment I knew the team would never play with any sort of urgency as long as he was the manager. And they haven't.

The only energy on the team comes from Reyes, who acts like a clown a lot of the time, and Wright who, God bless him, seems to carry the weight of the entire team from a player representation standpoint. Carlos Beltran has as much personality as some old crusty gym socks (what?).

PS - don't look now, but Carlos Gomez is the spark plug of that Twins team. Lead off hitter, tons of energy, kindof brash in a good way. His numbers aren't through the roof, but he's certainly respectable, and once he ups his on base percentage, he'll be a force to be reckoned with.

I predict two hours before I get cockblogged (that's my new favorite phrase).

PPS - a quick thought exercise. Imagine this, the Mets signed Yorvit Torealba or some other catcher. Instead of Carlos Gomez, they trade Blastings Milledge et al. for Johan. Here's the twist. The pitcher bats 8th in the lineup, Carlos Gomez bats 9th and starts in right field every day. Blasphemy, or really good idea that only Tony LaRussa would have the guts to try?

Hey Hank Steinbrenner: You know what else was cool in the 1800s? Slavery.

Like father, like douchebag.

So Chien-Ming Wang broke his foot the other day while he was running the bases. He's out till September or something. Tough break for the yanks. I feel bad for them. Really.

Anyway, so I'm watching the Mets-Angels game tonight, and that topic comes up, and Gary Cohen utters some serious brilliance (with Ron Darling doing color):

Gary Cohen: Anyway, so Wang gets hurt, and that's bad. But it led to the most idiotic statement of the year, coming from Hank Steinbrenner.

Ron Darling: The year's not even done yet, and you're giving it number one already?

GC: I've gotta read this to you. He said -- Hank Steinbrenner, speaking from Tampa today, says, "My message is simple. The National League needs to join the 21st century. They need to grow up and join the 21st century," saying that the National League should adopt the DH. [Some game action occurred, but I have DVR, so I can skip ahead through that shit. Nice, right? Get DVR if you don't have it. I'm speaking particularly to LJT, who's a caveman.] Hank Steinbrenner says, "I've got my pitchers running the bases and one of them gets hurt, he's going to be out. I don't like that, and it's about time they address it. That was a rule from the 1800s." I mean, are you kidding me?

RD: Oh God...

GC: Does this guy have a filter?

RD: I don't think he does.

GC: That is one of the most idiotic things I've ever heard.

By the way, the Designated Hitter was instituted in 1972.

Hey yankee fans: This is the person running your team.

So the true question must therefore be:

Is Hank Steinbrenner the new Isiah Thomas?

Oh, I hope so.

And God bless Gary Cohen.

Repre-motherfucking-sent

Hell to the yes. Who's with me? Mrs. Side Bar, I know you're with me. Anyone else?



Clearly Danny and Jon only agreed to come back for like 5 hours and left at lunch time. I'd be willing to bet that's not even them in the background when the 5 of them are dancing. I love that at one point they go to a triple shot of Jordan, Joey, and Donny and not a 5 shot of all of them.

Mets acquire Trot Nixon; players respond with their best cliches

That hat looks like it was on the '86 Mets.

Moises Alou and Ryan Church, who were supposed to be the Mets' starting corner outfielders, have faced quite a lot of injuries this year. One because he's really, really old, the other because he has a concussion fetish or something. (Seriously, Ryan? Twice in like two months?)

Corner outfielders generally are there to provide offense, which, when Alou and Church do in fact suit up, they do quite well. However, their replacements -- Angel Pagan (also now hurt), Endy Chavez, Fernando Tatis, Damion Easley, Marlon Anderson, Nick Evans -- haven't exactly torn the cover off the ball.

Today came news of Omar Minaya's surprise solution: Trot Nixon! You may remember him from the Red Sox of not too long ago. I remember that he put a lot of baby powder on his hat and a shitload of pine tar on his helmet, which seemed to start a trend.

At this point, anything new is good for the Mets. Trot could fail horribly, rediscover his 2003 form (.306/.396/.578), or -- most likely -- have no impact whatsoever. But hey, all we gave up for him was "cash considerations or a player to be named later," a.k.a. nada.

But the announcement of the acquisition led to some awesome quotes by Mets players and officials. I can't possibly mock these quotes as well as those guys from Fire Joe Morgan, but I thought I'd post a few here:

Omar Minaya: "Everything that I've heard about the guy is that he's a gamer."

David Wright: "He's a hard-nosed player. He's a guy who's going to go out there and get dirty. He's a guy that plays with a lot of intensity, and I think that's a good thing both on the field and as a clubhouse guy. He's been on a championship team. He knows what it takes to win and he'll go out there and give you something day in and day out."

And here's the real gem, from Pedro Martinez (Trot's ex-teammate): "He looks like a little grouch all the time, but in reality, he's a great person. A good family man."

So:

The Mets need to replace the offensive output they lost when their corner outfielders were revealed as DL whores. The answer, you would think, would be a guy who, like, hits home runs or something. But rather than go for that, we got a guy who is:

• a gamer
• hard-nosed
• dirty
• intense
• a clubhouse guy
• someone who was on a team that won a championship four years ago
  
• going to give you something day in and day out
• grouchy-looking
• a good person
• a family man

But...can he hit? Can he field? Can he run? Is he good at anything that occurs on a baseball field?

I'm not saying I want them to sign Barry Bonds (who sounds like Trot Nixon's archnemesis, if they were in a comic book), but despite Trot's tearing shit up in the minors this year, the guy couldn't even make the big-league roster this spring.

Although, with the Mets playing as sucktastically as they have been, maybe, just maybe, Mr. Pine Tar Family Man could help. Even a little bit.

Oh fuck it, just sign Bonds.

not serious about that