Darrelle Revis is a football player

And Dan Dierdorff is the worst. Props to the Sports Guy for calling him out on this idiotic kind of broadcasting.

Time Warner Cable Sucks

A few of us were discussing this over email the other day, and it merits discussion in this larger forum.

First, a little background. Cable, phone and Internet are all packaged together in New York City. If you want all three, you pay Time Warner Cable about $200 a month (give or take a few bucks depending on whether you buy any premium channels, go without a phone, get an extra cable box for the bedroom, etc.). This is the only non-satellite option that is generally available to most New York City residents. And given that battling with a landlord over satellite installation would be about as much fun as jamming a PEZ dispenser into your eye, most people just go with Time Warner.

But here's the thing. Time Warner Cable sucks.

It is fucking terrible.

One of the contributors to this blog recently observed that "I hate [my cable box] more than anything else including terrorism." It's not big things. They don't superimpose turtlenecks over Emmanuelle Chiriqui (scwhing!schwing!) during episodes of Entourage or anything like that. But the little stuff adds up. The sound cuts out for no particular reason sometimes. If you tape one football game for more than ten minutes you lose every episode of the Daily Show that you taped last week. It costs a fucking fortune, etc. But such is life, right? You deal with it or you shop elsewhere. Well that's all well and good, but now they are just trying to piss me off. Because of the aforementioned problem of keeping a five-hour Superbowl on tape, my old cable box crashed. You remember the one:

Who would have thought I would ever miss you?

So we had to get a new one. I cannot find a picture of it on the web, but it is (a) bigger, (b) uglier, and (c) about a thousand fucking times worse than the old one. Micro League Baseball on Mike Gray's Commodore 64 had a better graphics array than the display on this fucking thing (side note: someone told me that the software changed regardless of the cable box; seems odd that it happened the day we got the new box, but whatever). The machine is about as responsive to the remote control as Mrs. Side Bar is to me on a Tuesday morning (zing!). And the fast forwarding. Dear god the fast forwarding. Like the old model, this cable box offers the user a choice between several different speeds of fast-forward. But it's really no choice at all. It either goes so slowly that you might as well watch the commercials, or so quickly that you jump 5-10 minutes into the program before you can get it to play at a normal speed again. How the fuck are the Mets already losing, the Phillies haven't batted yet? Oh wait, I just fast-forwarded into the middle of the 6th. Neat.

I think it's on pause.

I know this may seem like it is not a big deal, but I would be the first to admit that I watch a lot of television. And when DVR technology first came out, it was pretty amazing. But Time Warner has managed to make it so fucking tedious to use it that it just amounts to a huge step backwards.

Dear Lord Jesus, Thank You For Jay-Z

Holy fucking shit, Jay-Z's new album, The Blueprint 3, is so good I almost don't believe it. Every time I'm about to give up on rap music, Jay-Z comes out with a new album and this one is no exception. Let me just say this, is his song "D.O.A. (Death of Auto-tune)" the beat is supported the whole way through by a clarinet (it's possible that it's a saxophone). And it's not like, "why is there a clarinet on a rap song?", it's more like "why isn't there clarinet in every rap song?" I don't know what else to say. It's just so damn good.

Jay-Z aside, I don't really know what else to think about the rest of the rap world. As good as Jay-Z has been since 1996 is how bad the remainder of rappers have been since then. The exceptions, Eminem I guess, are few and far between. Even guys who were great at one point, let's say Nas or Q-Tip or Method Man, have been wack for years. I'm in a quandary of sorts in that I know I love rap music, yet there isn't any new rap music that I like even a little bit. I can name a hundred rap songs that I love, but none of them have come out since I was in high school. I know it's not that I've changed, because every time Jay-Z comes out I love it, and I can appreciate that Eminem was perhaps the cleverest rapper ever and threw down some great shit. I know in my heart then, that new rap music just sucks.

Hopefully they're just going through their adolescent phase, kindof like rock and roll in the '80s, before they blow it back up. Of course, for every Nirvana and Pearl Jam from the '90s there are a hundred Matchbox 20s and Nickelbacks sucking the life out of rock and roll.

Anyway, thank you Jay-Z.

Art Imitating Life?

Down goes Gmail!

This can't be good.

WHAT DO WE DO?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED POST THIS AWESOME SERIES OF MCFLYS IN MY STATUS BAR? OR THIS AWESOME AD FOR DUREX CONDOMS? COME ON, INTERNET, STOP FUCKING MY SHIT UP! AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN DAY, TOO?! IF I DON'T SEND THAT EMAIL BY 6 ... everything will probably be fine, I know.

I'm also quickly realizing how addicted I am to my Gmail. I've got some things I need to do (which I need Gmail for), but ultimately they can wait. Still, all I can think about is FUCK YOU GMAIL! YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA GO USE FACEBOOK CHAT! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE MAKING ME DO?! FACEBOOK CHAT SUCKS BALLS AND SO DO YOU, FUCKFACE!

I should really try to get a girlfriend or something.

Blog Fatigue

Side Bar summed it up nicely:

I get bored of seeing the same thing on the blog, and when we go more than a few days without a new post, it sort of sucks. And that is particularly the case when the most recent post is (a) yours and (b) kind of shitty.

This post is my solution to that problem.

we can't be friends, E.

People That Impress Me

I have gotten to many places that I'm interested in getting to by riding my bicycle. Especially in my younger days, but even today sometimes, my bike has gotten me where I want to go. I've also been known to tie on my rollerblades and hit the streets to get somewhere more quickly. I did the rollerblade thing more in college if I needed to get about 20 to 30 blocks for some reason.

I must say, though, I'm genuinely impressed by people who actually use skateboards to get around to places. If you ride a skateboard and do tricks and shit, then that's cool, and clearly fairly skillful, but more and more I've seen people riding around on skateboards actually getting somewhere. If you're gonna venture out on the streets with cars and people around, you've gotta have a fair amount of skill. It would also never even pop into my head that I could actually use a skateboard to get anywhere. So kudos you people. That's all I have to say.

What the eff, America? Los Angeles edition

Chuck had a nice rundown the other day about how the various punishments meted out recently to several athletes (including Plaxico Burress, who shot himself in the leg and received two years jail time) didn't quite seem to match the severity of their crimes. And then yesterday, in the City of Angels (whatever the fuck that used to mean), awesome singer and all-around stand-up guy Chris Brown was "sentenced" to all of community service and probation. His crime, if you recall, was doing this to Rihanna:


Some specifics, from the LAPD ("Robyn F." = Rihanna):

"A verbal argument ensued and Brown pulled the vehicle over on an unknown street, reached over Robyn F. with his right hand, opened the car door and attempted to force her out. Brown was unable to force Robyn F. out of the vehicle because she was wearing a seat belt. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against the passenger window of the vehicle causing an approximate one inch raised circular contustion. Robyn F. turned to face Brown and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then drove away in the vehicle and continued to punch her in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand. The assault caused Robyn F.'s mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.

"Brown looked at Robyn F. and stated, 'I'm going to beat the shit out of you when we get home! You wait and see!'

[snip]

"Brown resumed punching Robyn F. and she interlocked her fingers behind her head and brought her elbows forward to protect her face. She then bent over at the waist, placing her elbows and face near her lap in attempt [sic] to protect her face and head from the barrage of punches being levied upon her by Brown. Brown continued to punch Robyn F. on her left arm and hand causing her to suffer a contusion on her left triceps that was approximately two inches in diameter and numerous contusions on her left hand.

[snip]

"... before she could make a call he placed her in a head lock with his right hand and continued to drive the vehicle with his left hand. Brown pulled Robyn F. close to him and bit her on her left ear ... Brown began applying pressure to Robyn F.'s left and right carotid arteries causing her to be unable to breathe and she began to lose consciousness. She reached up with her left hand and began attempting to gouge his eyes in an attempt to free herself. Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and then released her."

(And, for the record, the parts I snipped out were the boring parts, not the parts where Chris Brown helped those old ladies cross the street and then visited those sick kids in the hospital.)

To sum up:

1. Chris Brown beat the ever-loving shit out of his girlfriend and is a free man.

2. Plaxico Burress pulled a Cheddar Bob...



...and is going to jail for two years.

Now, this is not Arizona. New York is definitely not the place to be caught carrying a gun (especially not during campaign season, eh Bloomberg?), but the disparity here is stunning. Plaxico Burress -- whose teammate and friend Steve Smith had just been robbed at gunpoint -- shot himself in the leg. Meanwhile, in L.A., Chris Brown viciously attacked a woman -- who, it turns out, is another person -- causing her severe injuries.

What the eff, man? I guess the stereotypes of New Yorkers being uptight and Californians just not giving a fuck about brutal violence toward women are true. Although, I shouldn't exaggerate about Los Angeles like that. It's not like you could just cut some chick's head off and expect to go unpunished or anything.

Wait...

Come On

I know they suck, and they deserve some of the criticism that has been meted out this year, but the injuries that the Mets have sustained this year are staggering. The following TWENTY-ONE players have (or, in two cases, are about to) miss/missed games due to injury. And the vast majority were for more than a few games:

Alex Cora
Angel Pagan

Billy Wagner
Brian Schneider
Carlos Beltran
Carlos Delgado
David Wright
Fernando Martinez
Fernando Nieve
Gary Sheffield

J.J. Putz
Jeff Francouer
Johan Santana
John Maine
Jon Niese
Jose Reyes
Luis Castillo
Oliver Perez

Ramon Martinez
Ryan Church
Tim Redding

Dude, we're going to need a bigger truck.

I do not think there is a single team in baseball that could have made the playoffs with this kind total annihilation of their core guys and many role players.

I am starting to think that the only people who truly deserve to lose their jobs are the trainers and medical staff. And even for them, only if there is any basis to the suggestion that poor conditioning, training, stretching, etc. is responsible for some of the injuries (or at least the severity/duration of the injury). Jerry Manuel has made some questionable moves here and there (that sound you hear is Open Bar smashing his head against his keyboard as he reads this), and Omar can be questioned for the decision to sign certain guys (but the biggest question mark - Luis Castillo - has actually had a solid year). I just do not see how you fire Omar and Jerry with such an incomplete record on which to judge them.

I know this is a bit of a 180 for me, but with Wright, Santana and Francouer all going down in the last week or so, I think I sort of threw up my hands. This could all just be really bad luck. The baseball gods may indeed have had it in for the Mets this year.

We'll get 'em next year.

What the Eff, America? Football Crimes Edition

Donte Stallworth went and got drunk and decided to drive his Bentley home. On his way home he killed a dude who was trying to cross the street. For driving drunk and killing a guy, Stallworth served 30 days in prison.

Michael Vick funded and participated in a dog fighting ring for over six years. In that time he regularly tortured and killed dogs. He pitted them against each other, electrocuted them, drowned them, and he didn't stop until he was found out by the police. He was sentenced to 23 months in prison, and he served 18 months.

Plaxico Burress decided to go out to a night club in his sweatpants and also to bring a gun in case he got mugged, like his teammate Steve Smith had been only a few days prior. The gun slipped out of the waistband of his sweatpants (you can't make this shit up) and discharged. Fortunately for Plax, the bullet hit him in the leg instead of somewhere else on his body or instead of someone else in the club. He went to the hospital, tried to hide the gun, and then came to his senses and told the truth about what happened within 24 hours of what happened. For this he was sentenced to 24 months in jail, and he will serve at least 20 months.

Is it just me, or are the punishments for these crimes going in reverse order of severity? This makes absolutely no goddamn sense. Plaxico's first mistake on that night was deciding to wear sweatpants to the club and his second was to bring his gun, but shit he didn't kill anyone or anything and he only injured himself. Sure he should be punished, but 2 years in prison for this? This is just grandstanding, pure and simple, by the mayor and the D.A. at a time when Bloomie is trying to get re-elected to a third term (it's gonna be harder than you think, Mike, though you'll win in the end, I bet, because you'll spend 50 times more money than the other gies combined).

And how can you fucking drive drunk and kill a guy and only go to jail for 30 days? 30 fucking days. Shit, next time I go out drinking, I'm gonna go out in Florida. This guy should be in prison for years and years, and instead he's already out.

This is getting to be ri-goddamn-diculous.