Mets Haiku II

It's that time of year, again.

Just before the fifth inning . . .

Summer, yields to fall
October beckons, sweetly
I shall embrace her

After the 13th

Cruelty awaits us
She laughs at familiar pain
Filthy, fucking whore

Open Bar's thoughts on tonight's Mets game

The.

Hate.

I.

Mets.

(author ties noose around his neck while trying to organize thoughts)

Guaranteed: Sportswriters tomorrow draw the connection between the Mets blowing a seven-run lead in tonight's game to them blowing a seven-and-a-half-game lead last season.

I hate to say it, but the Mets were in first earlier tonight, now the Phillies are. So the BLATANTLY FUCKING OBVIOUS CONNECTION THAT WILL BE TOTALLY OVERPLAYED is actually somewhat accurate. In spite of the stupidity.

In conclusion, I hate the Mets. Fuck you all.

Okay fine, I'll watch tomorrow's game.

And the next one.

And the next one.

Time to read some Camus.

(sigh)

How 'bout those Giants! Oh yeah. The whole Umenyora thing. Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Fuck.

Boy these pickles taste good.

No. No, they don't. Even pickles don't taste good anymore.

(cries)

Is there good left in the world? I doubt it.

(author jumps off milk crate, neck snaps)

(in heaven, author has three-way with Angelina Jolie that Australian swimmer chick Stephanie Rice. Nice!)

Keith!

I just got back from Hawaii tonight, and I am going to write about it as soon as I can (You know what's fucking awesome? Hawaii). I am a little behind the other posts, and I will comment when I can, but I was watching the Mets tonight, and I had to get a Keith-ism on the record. In the top of the 8th, with Daniel Murphy pinch hitting, Keith was explaining that there are many ways out of a slump, and talked about the variety of remedies available to a struggling hitter, and concluded:

"It's 6 or 7, half dozen of the other." Now, never mind that this particular saying had absolutley no relevance to the situation at hand, Keith clearly does not understand what it means. If I could figure out a way to post the video here, I would. I have watched it about 13 times tonight.

Reality check: An open letter to Bill Clinton

Dear former President Bill Clinton,

I've been reading some things lately because the Internet is awesome, what with all these Web sites and what have you (way better than books and other such nerdy objects, unlike the Internet, which is jock-central [and, technically, not even an object -- discuss]), and I came across a few things about you that have, shall we say, disturbed me.

No, fuck that. This shit really pisses me the fuck off. A few choice excerpts:

"Bill Clinton is not over it. He's trying, his associates say. He's slowly getting to a better place. But his resentments from the bitter campaign battles of last winter and spring are many and diverse, and people who have spent time with him recently said they fester just below the surface."

"Some Democrats with high-level ties to both the Clinton and Obama camps said they were surprised that Obama has not done more to make the Clintons more enthusiastic about his candidacy."

"'There is a lot Obama could have done to unify the party, and basically he hasn't lifted a finger,' said one Democratic operative who is close to the Clinton team."

Hey Bill:

FUCK YOU. HARD.

Get the fuck over yourself. Why the fuck is it Obama's responsibility? Why is it: "There is a lot Obama could have done"? Why isn't it: "There is a lot Bill could have done"?

Remind me again who won the nomination? Who is the winner? And, as follows logically, who is the loser (even though she began the contest with every conceivable advantage)?

Quit being a sore fucking loser about this and get your shit together. If your loser wife makes even the slightest fucking misstep during her speech tonight, or if you half-ass your way through your speech tomorrow ("Waaahhh, I don't wanna talk about national security!"), the both of you will be on the permanent shit list for the Democratic Party.

My second way-overused pic of the post.

You and your wife lost. You used to be in charge of the party. You aren't any longer. Ever. Stop acting all butthurt about it.

And no, no one's saying you're a racist, but you most definitely played the race card. I don't personally think you hate black people because they're black, but you absolutely did inject racial angles into things that had nothing to do with race. So people called your ass on it. STOP TRYING TO PLAY THE FUCKING VICTIM ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. You know what happened the last time you and your wife tried that? She blew the easiest major-party nomination, like, ever. The 2004 yankees ALCS collapse has nothing on your wife. And you know what? You were a major part of it.

Suck it up, fat boy. What you did during the primaries -- while egregious -- is not beyond forgiving. In fact, most of us would love to forgive you, love to have the old Bill back. Because we fucking hate the new Bill. Remember when you cheated on your wife and the whole world found out and it was embarrassing as fuck for you both? (I'm talking about the Monica thing, not the numerous other times that exact thing happened, nor all the times you've done it that we haven't found out about.) You know who defended you? Us. The people you're now being a total dick to. And if you remember, even when mad white people were deserting you, your strongest defenders were black. You asshole.

Come back home, Bill. Leave the butthurt, though.

love,

Open Bar

P.S.: Yes, "butthurt" is my new favorite word. It's perfect. A perfect word. Like "comeuppance," my former favorite word, which is still my favorite word when my mother asks.

An Open Letter to Barack Obama

Dear Barack,

As we head into the Democratic Convention Week, I have to tell you: I'm concerned.

You did a great job slaying the evil two-headed Clinton dragon this winter/spring but it's time to change the game because you're looking a little soft these days.

First of all, you're letting Hillary, Bill and even Chelsea speak this week. Buddy would probably get some camera time if he hadn't been hit by a car and killed. Seems like a bit much to me. You're in danger of looking very weak.

Let's be honest here, Barry, the Clintons want you to lose. I don't care what they say, they would love nothing more than to see you flame out and give all of us a big, fat "I told you so". I realize, you think you need those Hillary votes but be careful, she's not on your side.

More importantly, the sad truth is that presidential elections are not won and lost on ideas, people don't really vote on issues. We, as Americans, aren't that thoughtful. This, first and foremost, is a popularity contest. You are running for President of 12th grade and you should afford the electorate the intellectual respect of high school seniors.

With that being said, go ahead and talk about change, the economy, the Iraq debacle, George W. Bush and all that good stuff. Go for it, you have to. But....

More importantly, trash John McCain.

I know, I know, you're above that and you're an intellectual and you're going to usher in an era of a new type of politics, except.....

You can't and you won't because it doesn't work - remember, we're not high minded citizens of a democracy - we are 12th graders. We're America, we love guns, tits and gossip. And if you don't wake up and get it together, you're going to be the third Democratic Nominee that is going to lose by being a pussy.

Now, you don't want to come out and say these things, but moveon.org can and other 527s can. Then you can come out and disavow but they need to be put in our heads because you know damn well, McCain will do the same.

With the above in mind, here are the issues you should raise (rather, other people should on your behalf - it would be unbecoming for you to say it yourself):

1. He's really really fucking old. McCain was born in 1936, same as the Hoover Damn. We were in the Great Depression, World War II hadn't started yet. The guy BEFORE Neville Chamberlain was Prime Minister of Great Britain. He's old, Barry, he's fucking Old.
2. He's senile. Low blow? Yeah maybe, but guess what? He can't get Sunni and Shia straight. That's kind of important. He thinks Czechoslovakia is still a country. He can't remember how many houses he has. Do we really want Abe Simpson as president? I don't think so.
3. THIRD TERM OF GEORGE BUSH. Lather, rinse, repeat....lather, rinse repeat....
4. He's immoral. The guy came back from Vietnam to find his faithful wife waiting for him. She had been a model but had been crippled in a car accident. What did the conductor of The Sraight Talk Express do? He cheated on her. A lot. Then he left her. For a rich beauty queen, which is a nice segue into the next point...
5. Cindy McCain is a drug addicted bitch. Barry, Barry, BARRY calm down. Do you want to be high minded and fair or do you want to win? We need you to win, so hear me out. Her father left his first wife for her mother. He apparently had mob connections. She's a rich heiress that hasn't really done anything productive ever. She was into some charities for helping kids - that is, until, the hospitals she worked with wanted to increase the alcohol tax to fund these programs. That would have hurt the beer distributorship she inherited. She doesn't really work there, mind you, just collects huge amounts of money. Oh by the way, she has a half sister (from the mom her dad left) that didn't get shit when he died. Grandpa had promised to help out the grandkids for their college payments - Evil Cindy put the ki-bash on that. Oh yea, she was addicted to painkillers, too. Sounds like an elitist to me. An evil one, too.
6. They're racists. McCain is not going to say it but Rush is, Hannity is, and a lot of other guys are too. Now, in this day and age it's going to be more codewords but you're crazy if there are not going to be a steady drumbeat of reminders to all those red-blooded Americans out there that you are BLACK and probably a MUSLIM too. (Remember...12th graders....) Call them out on it. Remember, many Americans are a little bit racist but they don't want to think of themselves as racists. Shine a light on what those code words mean. People may not want a black guy to win but they don't really want be racists either.
   

Suck it up, Barack! I know you don't like it, I know it's sad but this is how you're going to win. Don't get fucking swift-boated!

If you have any doubts, I would point your attention to last week when Mr. Straight Talk himself accused you, essentially, of treason by saying that you would rather see America go to hell than lose this election.

It's go-time, B. The gloves are off, hit them with everything you can. Now. Please. For us.

Sincerely,









The Notorious LJT

The Ghettoest Event

The Olympics will be over soon, so no need to worry about any more of my useless Olympic posts. For reals, though, the ghettoest event is race walking. It's like, go as fast as you can, but don't run, that would be silly. It's like having a bike race on a Nascar course. Why?

PS - The Bird's Nest stadium is pretty fucking cool.
PPS - I'm glad no one ran out on the course and tackled a marathoner this year. (If I were even capable of running a marathon, it would take me at least 6 hours. This guy just finished it in 2.)

The Most Apropos Name Of All Time

I don't recall being quite as dumbfounded ever watching a sporting event as I was when I watched Usain "Lightning" Bolt win the 100 meter dash (the Giants winning the Super Bowl is definitely 2nd place, though). He destroyed everyone in the race. Literally (not literally) destroyed. He stopped even trying after 70 meters and he still broke the world record. I was honestly astounded.

The only video I could find of it is mad grainy and the commentary is in Italian (I think it's Italian). I'm not sure you can really tell how far out in front of everyone else he is. Also notice how he starts celebrating before the race ends.



Then he came out and destroyed clowns in the 200 meters as well. This video is not of great quality either.



Wow.

Random Thought

Great Adventure should change the name of the Great American Scream Machine to the "Original Great American Scream Machine".

That way they could call it the OrGASM.

Best Facebook comment ever?

(Disclaimer: This particular post may only hold meaning to those who went to our high school. Oh, and Side Bar, too, I guess. He lived in our town, so he'll probably get it too. Side Bar, for those who didn't know, went to a private school because he was better than us. Also, I'm going to rip on him repeatedly in this post, so maybe you should read it just for that. It's gonna drive him mad. You might even say, "schizophrenic." K-Bye!)

Now, we all know how Side Bar hates Facebook because he's a friggin' old man (Just look at his hair. Zing!) who also hates children and ice cream and sunshine and "things that are fun," but I felt I had to report this.

Chuck and LJT have access to this photo because they're on Facebook, but for Side Bar's cranky, old sake, I'll post it here:

That's us (and our esteemed friends AWD and Lumpy) outside Carmine's two Fridays ago celebrating Queen's Quest's "Bachelor Party." (I owe a drink to whoever figures that out first.) This picture was uploaded to Queen's Quest's Facebook page. One feature Facebook, uh, features is "tagging" photos. Side Bar, pay attention: You drag your mouse over someone's face in a picture and identify them, presumably so that other people can search for pictures of you.

Another Facebook feature is that it sends you messages when you've been tagged in a photo. And yet another is that folks are allowed to comment on these photos. And finally, if someone does in fact comment on a photo you're in, Facebook alerts you to that as well. It's amazing, isn't it? Though, yes, not as cool as color TV, right, Side Bar?

Anyway, I occasionally receive these messages from Facebook when someone comments on one of my photos, or someone else's photo that I'm in.

This afternoon, I received a delightful email from Facebook. Apparently, Queen's Quest had tagged me in the above photo. (LJT and Chuck, did you get this too?) Due to the anonymity principle of this widely read Web log, I won't type the name of the person who made the comment, but I'll post a screen shot of the Gmail message. I highly recommend you download the photo, because you need to read the comment. Upon downloading it (Stop me if I'm going too fast, Side Bar. If you need help operating basic photo software on your computer-machine, call me.), zoom in and read the name of the person and what he said. (You might be able to just click on it, too. Try that. Side Bar, that thing to your right is called a "mouse"...)

The basic situation is: Queen's Quest uploaded this photo, then tagged me, LJT, Chuck, Lumpy, and AWD. She didn't tag Side Bar because (have I mentioned this?) he's not on Facebook and can't be tagged. But instead of writing AWD's real name, she wrote someone else's. Someone very funny. A real person we all remember from high school. So in case you didn't get it, the person she named in the tag obviously isn't the person in the photo. Well played, Queen's Quest. Apparently, this falsely tagged person received a Facebook message and, well, disputed its honesty.

Now, granted, I can't be sure if he was serious or not. But goddammit, that is just about perfect. I'm not gonna say I shit myself because when people say that, it's always stupid hyperbole, but when I saw that comment, I totally shit myself. We all remember what happened to that poor kid. I'm half-amazed he's still alive, much less still in North Jersey (says his Facebook profile). I figured he'd've moved somewhere far away, like Central Jersey or something. (For y'all who don't know this kid -- he was that kid you knew in high school who got picked on mercilessly. He had a really weird voice, a weirder name, and the weirdest face this side of post-bullet-to-the-face Mary Joe Buttafucco.)

I think he was serious. I also must give serious dap to Queen's Quest for tagging our boy AWD with that guy's name. (AWD, like Side Bar, also isn't on Facebook because he's scared of newfangled nonsense like cellular telephones. In fact, he's not even on Gmail. Can you believe it? He actually has both Hotmail and Yahoo email accounts, but not Gmail. Hotmail! I didn't even know that was still around! AWD is slowly figuring out this World Wide Information Superhighway thing, though -- once he figures out how to get "12:00" to stop blinking on his VCR. Okay, that was pretty cliched. Sorry! Still friends?)

But think for a second: When [the guy in the picture, I can't even think of a good nickname; what's better than his real name?] received the message from Facebook that he had been tagged in a photo, then checked it, and saw AWD instead, what was his actual reaction?

I think it was "That's obviously not me."

Finally, the Internet has an honest commenter.





P.S.: Side Bar has old, wrinkly balls. That's why he likes kicking people in the balls. He's jealous of their young, supple balls. Because his are old. And wrinkly.

CockBlogging: Mad Dog, Olympics, and Deep Thoughts

I have been a right bastard for not posting more recently and I apologize to those of you who may have noticed. I've been somewhat busy with random things recently and whatever. Bottom line, I'm a bastard. I'm even more of a bastard because the three things I have been intending to post about recently are about a) Mike and the Mad Dog, b) the Olympics, and c) some random thoughts. The last three posts by my compatriots have addressed those three topics, but solipsism waits for no man, so I will readdress them.

Mike and the Mad Dog - I watched the beginning of the show on the YES Network today. It doesn't sound like the reason Russo left was because of fighting between him and Mike. Both of them went out of their own ways to say that they weren't fighting at the moment and that Russo was leaving essentially to pursue other opportunities. I think I believe them, though I know that part of it was that Mike is too big of a personality and Russo wants to go and be the man somewhere.

The Olympics - I, unlike LJT have always loved the Olympics. I have, I'm not joking, spent at least an hour or two watching things like archery, judo, and badminton on the Korean and Chinese channels in the past few days.

By far the best event in the Olympics is trampoline. Look out for that in the next couple of days now that real gymnastics is over. Also diving is really dope. Synchronized diving is in some ways even cooler.

Look out for the track and field events coming up after swimming. That should be interesting. I think USA basketball will win the gold, though I'll tell you for sure after tomorrow's game with Spain.

It really pisses me off that the alternate Olympics channel, which has 24 hour coverage, uses literally 18 of those hours to cover boxing. That shit is always on boxing, which is why I have been watching other more interesting events on the Korean channel.

I would like to see a little more variety in the coverage, but I guess the primetime coverage of live swimming and gymnastics is just bread and butter type shit.

Why is it that the women's beach volleyball teams have to wear miniscule bikinis? The mens' teams wear tank tops and gym shorts and the women wear almost nothing. It's definitely degrading.

Squee Oop, dinner's ready. I'll save the random thoughts for later.