Ah shit...

It seemed to good to be true. Not too long ago, it seemed almost certain that Alex Rodriguez was out of New York. No longer a yankee. Alas, that will not happen.

It now appears that A-Rod is about to sign a 10-year, $275-million-dollar contract, basically making him a yankee for life.

In my unbiased opinion, this is a big loss for all of the decent, well-intentioned, democracy-loving, non-Al Qaeda-affiliated, smart people of the world. 'Tis a sad day.

Although some very dumb sportswriters and ignorant talk-radio callers have claimed -- in a complete mockery of logic and reason and "general baseball knowledge" -- that the yankees would be better off without A-Rod, the yanks now seem to have locked up the best player in baseball, who will almost certainly end up breaking numerous hallowed, all-time baseball records. And he will do it wearing fucking pinstripes. A sad day, indeed.

I can't fucking stand A-Rod. His doucheiness has been on display, among many other incidents, when he:

• Slapped Bronson Arroyo on the arm
• Yelled at that Blue Jays third baseman
• Allowed his agent to make his opting-out announcement during the eighth inning of the deciding game of this year's World Series.

(He also seems to have cheated on his wife with manly-looking strippers, but that's not baseball-related, so I won't mention it.)

(Oops.)

But in spite of his doucheiness and my personal loathing, he has somehow put up a ridiculous level of production year after year, ever since he became an everyday player. In the face of some of the toughest media coverage on the planet, he has managed to win two MVP awards in four years here in New York. (I'm anticipating that this year's award will go to him. If you'd like to argue with my speculation, please do.) After this season, there can be no doubt that he is the best player out there.

Yet still, there are the doubters.

Some of the frequent criticisms of A-Rod are:

1. He doesn't perform in the postseason.
2. He's not a "team player."
3. He's kind of a dick.
   
4. He's not Scott Brosius.

Let me answer those right here:

1. He doesn't perform in the postseason.

I will agree that during the 2005-07 ALDS's, A-Rod was not very good:

His totals were: 44 AB, 7 H, 4 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 1 RBI.

'05: .133 AVG/.200 OBP/.435 SLG
'06: .071/.133/.071 (wow that's bad)
'07: .267/.353/.467.

Prior to that, he had the 2004 postseason with the yanks. Let's take a look at those numbers.

First, the ALDS:

19 AB, 8 H, 3 R, 3 2B, 1 HR, 3 RBI, .421/.476/.737. Holy shit, that sounds...good? Good enough, in fact, to win the MVP of the series.

Now, the 2004 ALCS:

31 AB, 8 H, 8 R, 2 2B, 2 HR, 5 RBI, .258/.378/.516. Still pretty damn good.

Now for his entire postseason experience with the Mariners (covering the '95 ALDS, CS; '97 DS; '00 DS, CS):

53 AB, 18 H, 6 R, 3 2B, 3 HR, 8, RBI, .340/.396/.566. Those are very, very good numbers.

His entire postseason totals:

147 AB, 41 H, 21 R, 9 2B, 7 HR, 17 RBI, .279/.373/.483.

And just for the hell of it, if you remove the 2005-07 ALDS's (I'll explain why in a sec), he's hitting .361/.405/.611. Do you not want someone like that on your team?

I don't think anyone should be judging A-Rod's postseason production based solely on the last three years. He had a total of 44 at-bats in that time. Name me one player of significance who hasn't had a 44-at-bat slump. Just one. And if you insist upon using that as a gauge, I would love to instruct you to look at the numbers he put up in his 103 at-bats prior, which is more than double that sample size.

This whole "A-Rod disappears in the postseason" line is horseshit. That's based on 44 fucking at-bats! It's like saying, "Peyton Manning sucks because, hey, did you see him throw six picks last week?" (Incidentally, before last year, wasn't everyone saying that Manning wasn't that good because he "never won a Super Bowl"? Hmm...)

2. He's not a "team player."

He's the kind of "not team player" who volunteers to switch from shortstop to third base, even though he's clearly a better shortstop than the incumbent (the untouchable master of clutchiness, Mr. Super Captain Clutchy Clutchness, St. Derek) and also volunteered to give up part of his enormous salary to play for the Red Sox, but his own union prevented him. He also, I might add, goes and hits all these solo home runs, which is clearly selfish. What a dickhead he is to go ahead and score a run on his own after his teammates utterly failed to get on base beforehand. Asshole. Why even bother hitting a home run when no one's on base? It's not like there's a better possible thing a batter could do at the plate than hit a home run. He clearly must hate his teammates and therefore decides to hit home runs when they're not on base. It has nothing to do with the pitchers pitching more carefully when runners are on base.

3. He's kind of a dick.

Yes, he's a dickhead. You know who else was a dickhead? Ty Cobb -- unrepentant racist. Rogers Hornsby -- ibid. Bob Gibson -- threw at batters' heads and bragged about it. And to look at some other sports? Ray Lewis. Terrell Owens. Ron Artest. Bill Romanowski. Bill Belichick. And that doesn't even begin to address the drug addicts (Bonds, Gooden, Strawberry). So A-Rod isn't a felon or a junkie, but he's still a prick, fine.

4. He's not Scott Brosius.

If you can produce a solid argument as to why Scott Brosius is better than Alex Rodriguez, I will donate both of my kidneys to science immediately. I may die, yes, but only because I have seen reasoning that only God could express, and therefore, what else is there to see on this green earth?

Again, this is a sad day for Mets fans, Red Sox fans, people who like their families (even a little bit) and Jesus. He is upset right now. I think the Rapture may be near.