Boner Nomenclature

Show me that smile again . . . oooohhh . . . show me that smile . . . don't waste another minute on your cryin'. Etc. 5 points if you get the reference. Remedial pop culture lessons if you don't.

The Boner (not the one pictured above; the other one) is one of nature's true miracles. The Stiffy. The Hard-On. The Rod. Literary archetype, biological phenomenon, the star of thousands of films, and the bane of 17 and 71 year-olds everywhere (for decidedly different reasons, of course). The boner is a lot like a taxi: they are everywhere in the morning, but when you've been out drinking all night and you really need one, it can be tough to find.

The term "boner," though, even with all of its first cousins, is imprecise and insufficient. Indeed, the "I'm-drunk-at-3 a.m.-starting-at-the-female-anchor-on-CNN-because-my-roommate-was-too-cheap-to-pay-for-Cinemax boner," is hardly (get it?) the same thing as the "I'm-16-years-old-and-the-hot-sophomore's-parents-are-away-for-the-weekend-so-we-are-"watching movies"-at-her-place boner."

No indeed. "Boner" is a clumsy word that describes a whole range of distinct biological events. Accordingly, a naming convention is in order. During a probing, thoughtful conversations about boners a few weeks ago, it occurred to several of us that the different types of boners can each be described by reference to one of the Seven Dwarfs.

(side note: now look, I understand that anyone with even a halfway decent sense of humor can stumble upon the personal assessment that one must be making when one is comparing boners to dwarfs. They're both short, Irish curse, I'm all thumbs, yes, yes. What a riot. Not the point of this post, so move on (side note (II): I'm luking at you, notorious LJT (side note (III): the typo was inadvertent, but so fitting that I chose to leave it))). But I digress.

Without further adieu, the seven boners:

The "Happy"

This one is easy. Undoubtedly the most rewarding of boners, the "Happy" springs to life right when it should. You see a hot girl walk in to the bar and she brushes past you with a wink? Happy. Some gal gives you eyes on the subway? Happy. Two smokin' hot foxes eating lunch outside in midtown in July? Happy. The Happy is sort of like a line-drive single. It's nothing too out of the ordinary, you have a decent change of getting one on any given night, and you have much better chance of scoring once you do. What a dwarf.

The "Sleepy"

Right behind the Happy in frequency, the Sleepy is a freak, and only comes out at night. Even though you are fast asleep and not wookin pa nub (remember that one?), Sleepy is like the night watchman, a sentinel standing at attention. Now there is a biological explanation for the Sleepy (it prevents you from pissing yourself in bed, or something like that (insert mmg joke here)), but that is not the point of this post. The Sleepy is also known as a Morningwood Tree in some circles, but there was no "Breakfast Dwarf" in the movie, so Sleepy it is.

The "Grumpy"

The Grumpy is a sonofabitch, and can be a mean drunk. You've had 13 beers, 8 shots, and a Diet Sunkist, and yet some girl is still willing to entertain the idea of coitus with your drunk ass. You're making out, ready to do the deed, and she reaches down to find - Grumpy. A tired, drunk angry boner. You're mind told you to pass out three hours ago, but you're libido ordered a red bull. The Grumpy will reluctantly go along for the ride, but he isn't happy about it, and refuses to give it his all.

The "Dopey"

The Dopey is an idiot. It doesn't have the brains to show up when a hot girl walks in the room. Instead, it waits until you are watching Sports Center at the gym, or reading the paper on the train to work. The Dopey is the reason that guys say their rod has a mind of its own, even when it is proving it has no mind at all.

The "Bashful"

The Bashful - as the name implies - is the boner that you are a little embarrassed about. Stand up in a meeting about the company's P/E ratio and you're at full mast? You've got a Bashful (I guess that's also sort of a Dopey). On your first date, helping your new lady friend out of the car, and she spies an unnatural wrinkle in your jeans? Bashful. There's nothing to be bashful about, of course (christ, Open Bar willingly farts on the job . . . what's a woody every now and then), but we can't help shying away from the Bashful.

The "Sneezy"

The Sneezy is undoubtedly the rarest of boners, but don't get a Bashful if it happens to you . . . . you are apparently not alone.

The "Doc"

Doc is a symbol for the old man, and the trouble that the more geruntologically advanced may experience with the raising of the flag. The "Doc" therefore, refers to the old man boner, whenever, and however he is able to make it happen. Now I know the folks at Disney probably would be less than thrilled at the whole concept of this post, and certainly not least the linking of the lovable Doc with the awkward truth about impotence and getting older, but, in fairness, it was the Disney folks themselves who provided what is perhaps the best example of the "Doc" that one can find in modern film art:

Don't judge this old man. I bet she gives you a "Bashful" too.

Next week I'll continue defiling dear Disney by explaining how each kind of orgasm can be categorized by one of the syllables in supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Hi-HO!!!