Friday, July 9, 2010

Counterpoint: LeBron James Is the Biggest Bitch That Ever Bitched

Side Bar probably shouldn't be smiling --
he can't gay marry LeBron in Florida. :-(

Earlier today, SB felt the need to comfort poor LeBron. I couldn’t have disagreed more with SB's DECISION, and here’s why ... (And, for the record, this post isn't about Side Bar being a bitch. It's about the bitch who just moved to South Beach being a bitch.)

SB, you said: “No matter what decision he made, someone was going to be disappointed.”
I say, on the other hand, LeBron James is a bitch. In this whole saga, it’s very much the journey that made him the bitch, though the destination is also quite bitch. The way he orchestrated things these last few weeks and especially last night’s new pinnacle of self-centered bullshit, “The Decision” – that is largely what made him a bitch, though to be sure, the final choice of Miami over Cleveland, New York and Chicago is bitch for another set of reasons.

SB, you said: “He hardly smiled, seemed almost apologetic to Jim Gray for his decision”
You know why? Guilty conscience. Yes, he was embarrassed at the choice he was making because he knows how shitty it is on so many levels, most especially taking a dump on Cleveland after stringing them along all this time and also by agreeing to permanently become Scottie Pippen.

SB, you said: “I have yet to hear anyone talk about the fact that he is putting team and collective excellence ahead of the maximum possible salary. That is an atypical approach for modern-day superstar athletes; perhaps it should be celebrated, not vilified.”
So his salary will now be about $15M-plus, instead of $16.6M. Big fucking difference. And as I said yesterday, LeBron James’ NBA salary is only a fraction of what Lebron™ makes. (Though maybe he did just give up $150 million, but I don’t think that’s what you were implying, so you don’t get credit. And even with that, it wasn’t his intention to sacrifice that money; he’ll lose it as a result of everyone now thinking he’s a bitch.)

SB, you said: “He had to at least make sure that he himself would not be disappointed, and the way to do that was to go to the team that was most likely to win a championship.”
Sure, the Heat are probably now the favorites to win it all next year. But had he gone to the Bulls, they certainly would have been the favorites. I think you can make a pretty damn good case that a starting five comprised of Derrick Rose, LeBron, Carlos Boozer, Luol Deng, and Joakim Noah is better than Wade, LeBron (who should always be mentioned second, from now on), Bosh, Dabney and Wayne Chrebet or whatever other league-minimum guys the Heat will put on the floor to round out the team. And to further that point, if winning is all that matters, why not take an even bigger pay cut -- say, league minimum -- so the team can acquire some decent supporting players?

SB, you said: “There are only so many times that TNT can make the Heat-Lakers the game of the week.”
There are exactly two.

SB, you said: “once Bosh and Wade made their decision, LeBron almost seemed to be falling in line, not leading the charge. The build-up to this whole summer was all about LeBron. But the way it played out made his decision feel a little bit like an afterthought.”
Okay, you got that part right. See? I’m being fair.

A few more thoughts…

First of all, as a life-long Delonte West fan, I’m happy that he’s probably the most popular player in the Midwest right now. Way to go, Delonte!

Fuck this whole going-to-charity nonsense, too. It was the Boys and Girls Club…of Greenwich, Connecticut. LIKE THEY NEED ONE OF THOSE IN FUCKING GREENWICH.

And I thought pessimism was a Mets fan’s default state. I can only imagine what it’s like if you’re from Cleveland. Actually, no, I’d rather not imagine that.

Can’t WAIT to see the Heat’s first visit to Cleveland next year. I thought when Johnny Damon went back to Fenway after signing with the yankees that the reaction was rough. Bring the Kevlar, LePippen!

What I also can’t wait for? Carmelo.

And not a single word of thanks to the people of Cleveland? He pretty much gave them an hour-long kick to the balls. That’s really what it must’ve felt like if you’re Joe Unemployed Guy at the bar in Cleveland – like you just got kicked right in the balls for an hour. (A ha! Perhaps THIS is why SB identifies so closely with LeBron.) Now, normally I’m all for disparaging anything to do with Ohio or its residents (except Kenyon, shut up, LJT), but even I have my limits. What LeBron did was just sadistic.

And thank you, Kevin Durant. Much as I hate when people get all moralizing and shit when it comes to star athletes, the two ways that LeBron and Durant handled their contract situations couldn’t have contrasted better. Durant = class. LeBron = bitch.

LeBron, allow me to address you directly for a moment. Everyone now wants you to fail. Sure the Heat may have some new fans, but that's because no one has ever given a shit about them before. Except for maybe a few randoms -- and they already like Dwyane Wade better anyway. Have fun being Garfunkel the rest of your life, you bitch.

And finally, props to LJT for pointing out that if you’re still on the fence about whether LeBron is as big a bitch as I’ve made him out to be here, please consider his dumbass Abe Lincoln beard – which no one can blame ESPN for.


Side Bar said...

How would your opinion change, if at all, if Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh announced that they were signing with the Knicks, and then a few days later LeBron had decided he wanted to join them in New York?

Side Bar said...

Also, tell the truth, how much time did you spend on that picture? That shit is hysterical. I think I look good.

ChuckJerry said...

That picture is hysterical. I genuinely laughed out loud alone in my apt. for about a minute.

Matt Dabney said...

I think that's the first, and probably only, time I've ever been mentioned in the same sentece as several pro sports stars. I am truely honored. Thank you.

Kudos on the picture of LeBitch and SB. Definitely worthy of LOLness.

Open Bar said...

It wouldn't have been possible for the Knicks to get all three of those guys, unless they were actually being honest about the whole taking-less-money-to-play-together thing, so the question is moot. But I'll play along anyway. If those three had agreed to become Knicks, it would have so vastly altered the basic foundations of time and space that, morally, it would be the correct move to support their decision and be happy that they were now Knicks.

Of course, it would also mean human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria! So let's not wander down that path, shall we?

Side Bar said...

A thoroughly unsatisfying response.

Look, I get how people want to criticize the self-promotion, "The Decision," and all that stuff. And fine, maybe he should have handled the periphery a little bit differently, but come on, he is 25 years old. And so what? He did a television special to announce his decision. Is that such a big fucking deal? Everyone just needs to calm down. JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!! AHHHHHHH!

These guys played for Team USA a few years ago and were like, "man, it would be badass if we could all play together and just win a bunch of championships." And so that's what they did. I don't like it - I want him on the Knicks, duh - but I really just don't see how signing with the Heat makes him a bitch. Have you ever actually BEEN to Cleveland? Do you know how fucking cold it is there in January?

Dan Gilbert is the one who is a bitch. Now he comes out and talks all this shit about LeBron "quitting" in the playoffs. Please. If he was so unhappy with LeBron's performance for the Cavs, why didn't he call him out on it at the time? And why did he offer him ~ $120 million to play in Cleveland? Go sign Darko Milicic you fucking lunatic. And have fun winning 20 games this year.

In sum, the letter from Dan Gilbert to Cavs fans was hysterical, the picture on this post is hysterical, LeBron's Abe Lincoln beard is super-fucking lame and arguably destroys my entire position on this issue, Open Bar is a band-wagon jumping LeBron hater, and no one gives a shit about the NBA anyway so this is all stupid.

Open Bar said...

Fine, if you're just gonna whine about it, here:

If Wade, LeBron and Bosh came to the Knicks, I would be delighted that the Knicks would now be good.

LeBron would still be a bitch for his incredibly drawn-out public dumping of Cleveland.

But he would not be as big a bitch for coming to New York as he is for going to Miami because Wade isn't to New York what he is to Miami. The three of them would be making an equal gesture by coming to New York, whereas by going to Miami, LeBron follows Wade's lead and permanently Garfunkels/Pippens himself. That is bitch.

All of this is bullshit because it's a stupid hypothetical that couldn't possibly have happened in reality, but there's your answer.