Purely To Get Rid of That Fucking Music

I have nothing at all to say but I just noticed that Z Rock is the last post on our page and this post will bump it off.

The Internet Does it Better

I'm home from work today and I just ordered lunch online through delivery.com.

I love ordering shit online, the less interaction I have with people during the buying process the better.

Porno, Christmas shopping and food should all be ordered online.

It beats the hell out of calling the Chinese food place and restating your order like seven times and the reading of your debit card number is nearly impossible.

I also pay every single one of my bills online. Even to people. I'm going on vacation with Side Bar's older brother later this month and I cut the check from my online banking account and Bank of America just mails him a check. They used to take the funds out of your account right away but now you have to wait until the person cashes it, which is annoying but it's still pretty dope.

Oh, that music from whatever that game is is annoying. I feel like I should be waiting online for Space Mountain.

Guess I know where I'll be tonight...

Care to join me?

Some lady just had eight friggin' babies

"The one on the end, she know it good."

I just don't get this. First of all, how the hell does this even happen? I'm no biologist or fertility doctor (well, that's not entirely true, zing!), but I can say with some degree of certainty that human beings aren't supposed to have litters.

A woman has given birth to octuplets at a Kaiser Permanente hospital in Bellflower, hospital officials confirmed today.

...“My eyes got to be the size of saucers,” Dr. Karen Maples said, when it became obvious there was an eighth child. “We just went on and delivered the babies.”

To give you an idea of how ridiculous this is:

Maples said 46 people were involved in the deliveries.

Forty-six people? For one woman? Better hope no one else happened to enter labor right then. That's gotta be like every doctor in the county, officially crossing the line from "Oh my, that poor mother!" to "What a selfish bitch." Seriously, lady, ever heard of the concept of other people? 

How does someone provide for eight new kids? If you're not already rich, you must be royally fucked by something like this, right? Reminds me of that old nursery rhyme I just made up:

Two babies, fine, but three's a crowd

More than that is not allowed!

When something happens of this sort

Always remember to abort!

[repeat as necessary]

Where Do You Live, Dude?

England is funny. What if you lived in one of these places?

SILF

You know, for a blind dude, our Governor has pretty decent taste.

I can see Canada from my front porch!

And yes, I thought of the nickname on my own. And yes, I realize that so did someone at Huffington Post, Wonkette, and Fark, among others, as well. So don't e-mail me.

All The Assholes Live In Texas

Girls high school basketball is an interesting sport. Generally the teams are either very good and function like real basketball teams, or the teams are very bad and function more like a gym class. This leads to great games with good fundamentals and playmaking between the good teams, freaking disasters of games that can barely be called basketball between the bad teams, and then travesties of justice when one of the good teams plays one of the bad teams.

The Covenant School in Dallas is a good team. Dallas Academy is a bad team. In a recent game, the Covenant School beat Dallas Academy by a score of 100-0. Add to this the fact that Dallas Academy is a school for kids with learning disabilities. And the fact that they have only 20 girls in their school.

Did I forget to mention that the Covenant School maintained their full court press and three point shots into the fourth quarter until they scored their hundredth point? After the game the Covenant coach said, "It just happened". Apparently meaning, "It just so happened that we forgot to take off the full court press at half time when the score was 59-0. At least we slowed down in the second half and only scored 41 points."

Incidentally, the term asshole seems way dirtier when written as two words.

Friday Classic Video: Sexy presidential sex acts

We're all quite aware of the Bill Clinton / Monica Lewinsky cigar routine, and who knows what the hell was going on with JFK and Marilyn Monroe? I can't think of anything too risque involving Jimmy Carter (thankfully). And hey, I know liberals are supposed to be all "free love" and whatever, but Barack and Michelle have been in the White House all of like two days. This is a ridiculous assumption even for FOX to make.



Hey, I'm all about the occasional freaky bedroom activity, but I don't recall MSNBC suggesting Dubya was banging Barney in the Lincoln Bedroom. Sheesh.

Happy Obama Day!

I'm not generally a fan of exclamation marks, but I feel it's warranted here in the title of this post.

Big ups to America for inaugurating Barack. It's really hard to put into words how I feel about this. I'm just happy that today I can finally tell my students that they can word hard enough and be the President and actually mean it. Holla at ya boy.

I feel great about this whole plane-in-the-Hudson-River thing

Don't know if you've heard, but (if you can believe this) a plane, uh, landed (?) in the Hudson River earlier today. And not the lame part of the Hudson (upstate). Apparently it went in at like 57th Street. A few hundred feet from midtown Manhattan (and my office). And everyone on board somehow lived. And the plane didn't, like, get destroyed. And my secret identity is David Wright.

The pilot, whose name -- Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger -- sounds as made up as this whole incident, clearly deserves the World's Greatest Blow Job (NSFW, dumbass).

(Oh, and sorry if you clicked that link. But if you don't know what Lemonparty is, then leave the Internet right now.)

So anyway, here's why I feel great about this thing:

1. Obviously, everyone survived. I mean think about that. If you're one of those passengers, that is an AMAZING time to cash in your good karma. You were in a goddamn PLANE CRASH and you lived. And this wasn't some rinky-dink Cessna or something; it was a full-on 150-passenger Airbus. And your emergency "landing" wasn't in some field; it was in a river not far from a fairly famous series of plane crashes like seven-and-a-half years ago. And you lived.

2. On a more selfish note, I'm getting on a plane leaving NYC tomorrow. The way I see it, what are the odds of something like this happening twice in two days? **knocks very, very hard on wood**

3. Upon hearing that what caused the flight to go down was that a flock of birds flew into the engine or something, I think I may have come up with the single greatest movie reference ever. Y'all remember that scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where Indy and his dad are on that beach and the Nazi guy in the plane is bearing down on them about to shoot them to pieces, right? Well, Indy's dad has the brilliant idea to make those weird noises and flap his umbrella at this big group of birds nearby. The birds all fly up and swarm the plane, causing it to crash. As Indy looks at his pops with a huge "WTF?" expression, pops smiles and utters what I later repeated to my co-workers:

"I suddenly remembered my Charlemagne..."

Unfortunately, I'm currently working in an office full of women in the fashion industry, so my reference was lost. (Sorry for the random sexism. Other than times like these, that kind of office environment is pretty sweet.)

(And for proof that I was really early with that superb quote job, I put it into the comments on Digg as soon as I could find a story on the crash. I'm number 6. Stupid Digg users ranked a different version of the story higher, so, sadly, most people will miss my brilliance.)

(If anyone can find a clip of that Indy scene, I'd love to put it up like right here-ish.)

(No more parentheses, I promise.)