Wolverine lives in Detroit and is a 7-year-old girl

I love Wolverine, so don't get to thinking that I'm trying to rip on him with that headline. Instead, read this.

Here's a picture of the legendary X-Man (the one on the right):

"50 Cent can lick my Rainbow Brite doll's taint."

A few choice excerpts:

A 7-year-old-girl is being hailed as an "angel from heaven" and a hero for jumping in front of an enraged gunman, who pumped six bullets into the child as she used her body as a shield to save her mother's life.

Alexis Goggins, a first-grader at Campbell Elementary School, is in stable condition at Children's Hospital in Detroit recovering from gunshot wounds to the eye, left temple, chin, cheek, chest and right arm.

Holyfuckingshit. She's 7.

And how's this for life in Detroit:

Ford said she dialed 911 on her cell phone as she walked into the station.

"The first operator clicked off and I dialed again and told that operator a guy with a gun was holding me hostage with a mother and baby and threatening to kill us. I told her the name of the gas station and then she said they didn't have a unit to send."

As Chuck D once put it, 911 is a fucking joke. Especially if you live near 6 Mile, I guess.

The gunman, Calvin Tillie, is about as big an asshole as anyone has ever fathomed:

Alexis jumped over the seat between her mother and the gunman and begged him not to shoot her mother.

The police report said Tillie "without hesitation" pumped six shots into the child.

By the way, he wasn't using a machine gun. The little girl got in front of her mom, and this Calvin Tillie ubercocksucker shot her SIX SEPARATE TIMES IN A ROW.

And here's the kicker:

Bodley said Alexis receives special education services at school, in part because of a weak left eye, which is the result of a massive stroke she suffered as an infant.

Because of my massive ignorance in the field of medicine, I hadn't realized strokes happened to infants. I mean, I guess I knew it was possible. But what are the odds here?

And how 'bout this:

"She is a good little girl who is very protective of her mother," said Tonya Colbert, Parker's cousin.

Yeah, that and she has a mutant healing factor and her skull is laced with adamantium. (That may include some editorial conjecture on my part.)

Alexis Goggins, I believe in you. You had a stroke when you were a baby; you had the ovaries to jump in front of your mom when she was getting shot; you wound up getting shot in the eye, left temple, chin, cheek, chest and right arm; and you fucking lived.

You are officially a superhero.