Tuesday, May 6, 2008


[Where's Luke? would like to present this guest post, written by Stan Gable of the esteemed Alpha Beta fraternity from the renowned institution, Adams College, which was featured in the 1984's Revenge of the Nerds.]

Hello! Stan Gable here, speaking on behalf of my fellow Alpha Betas. Don't remember me? Here:

(That's me, in the front with my thumb down.)


Never thought you’d hear me say that, did you? As an Alpha Beta, I must confess right off that for many months, I’ve been played for a fool. It takes a man to admit when he’s wrong, but hey, honestly – did you have any idea Hillary Clinton was so awesome? Did anyone?

I was a Barack Obama supporter. Not exactly an enthusiastic one. I don’t need to remind you that he is colored, after all. But between a darky and that nut-busting pile of excess estrogen Hillary Clinton, I’ll take the negro. He can at least play basketball, which is mostly a sport. (Though I’d destroy him on the LAX field. Ha! Imagine that – a black lacrosse player! That’s weird! That’s like saying “Porpoise migraine” or “bubblegum tuberculosis” or “woman president.” Try it!)

Being a decent American, I was able to look past Obama’s obvious, visible flaw. Besides, Hillary has been roundly hated by men for so long I had forgotten why. It’s clear she sucks, that goes without saying, but lately she’s taken this new approach of labeling things “elitist” – but in a negative way. This particularly bothered me, as I am most certainly elite and quite proud of it. Hell, that’s one thing I thought I had in common with her. So suffice it to say, Hillary was clearly not the candidate for me.

Or so I thought.

Just this past Sunday, I was stunned to hear what Hillary had to say after some Greek loser on TV asked her if she could name even one economist who liked her gas plan or something. I wasn't really listening, but my ears perked right up when this came out:
"We've been for the last seven years seeing a tremendous amount of government power and elite opinion behind policies that don't work well for the middle class ... I'm not going to put my lot in with economists."
It’s not so much the first part that caught my eye (“Middle class,” ha! If you’re not rich, you’re poor. That’s basic English.), but the second part. That's why I made it bigger.

Wow! She gets it!

Economists are total NERDS.


They sit around in their mother's basements (just like bloggers, sorry guys!) playing with their calculators and protractors, talking about numbers and math and oh my God I'm so sorry. I was starting to sound a bit nerdy myself! It must be this newfound love for Hillary. Think about it – a woman in charge of something. A woman! I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, so I apologize for the occasional mental slip.

Y’see, economists think they know stuff about, like, the economy. The economy is about money, and if you’ve got money then you certainly don’t need some nerd telling you what’s what when it comes to money. These economists must all be poor, because why else would they have to learn about money? And then they have the nerve to tell other people – people who have money – what’s a good idea and what’s not. It’s like anyone can just take any old word and add an “ist” to it and suddenly their opinion matters more than someone-who-has-money’s opinion. Screw all that. There are nerds and there are the other people in the world who the nerds aren’t. That’s me. That's the Alpha Betas. That’s Hillary.

Look at all the baby economists!

Now, I certainly haven’t completely forgiven her elitist-bashing, but the enemy of my enemy is my friend. And if Hillary – after years and years of repeatedly claiming economists and other so-called “experts” in whatever field should be listened to and not simply called nerds, a ludicrous proposition – can finally put to rest the idea that nerds “know things” and are “worth listening to because they know those things about their particular field of study,” then I'm ready to throw my weight and the weight of the Alpha Beta family behind her.

In closing, please remember: If you ever see one of these economists walking down the street or, more likely, at the library or some other place that is dumb to be at, I’d like to remind you what to do. (This is, of course, if you are out of wedgie-giving range.) Ogre, please?

Hillary ’08!


Joe Grossberg said...

For the record, I am wearing my "Adams Atoms" t-shirt at work right now.

Walt Clyde Frazier said...

I thought I was slated to do the first guest post on Where's Luke? Instead you got Stan Gable? I'm insulted!

Open Bar said...

A few months ago, we had He Who Got Lumped throw something up.

So right our two guest posters are He Who Got Lumped and Stan Gable.

Walt -- you sure you wanna put your lot in with them?

ChuckJerry said...

It's better than putting your lot in with economists.