Thursday, May 1, 2008

Wear Sunscreen

Hardly workin'!

Good Thursdays lead to bad Fridays.

I'm a little old for the on-the-job napping I did in my early twenties. Nowadays, if I come in to work with a hangover, I really just have to tough it out because I've realized (argh) I have no choice.

With that being said, in a conversation with Open Bar earlier tonight, we discussed the days when we used to steal a hungover work nap during the day.

For all you early twentiers out there, if you have to sleep at work, these are your three options:
  1. The Cubicler: This is the worst, in my opinion. Number one, it's the most obvious. Yeah, if you pull it off, people think you're working but -- for all of you kids out there -- you can't pull it off. People know. To pull off looking like you're awake and working -- while you are, in fact, sleeping -- you have to look like you're awake, so your hands must be on the keyboard and you have to sleep while balancing your head atop your neck while sitting up. Can't be done. You're doomed to getting caught and looking like a total slacker or an uncomfortable 20 minutes of half-second z's that are repeatedly interrupted by your neck snapping your head back off your chest.
  2. The Staller: A little better than cubicler. Unless you snore, this is the most inconspicuous. You're behind three cheap metal walls and no one can see you. But you are sitting on the toilet with your pants down, and you either have to: A) balance your head just so while sleeping (which we all agree can't be done), B) rest your head against the wall behind you (and if you have ever done that, you know how it's just a little too far and it's hard tile), or -- and this is the way to go -- C) rest your head on the toilet paper at knee level to the right. Doable but a bit uncomfortable.
  3. The Public Dorminator: This is the way to go. The least conspicuous, but the best sleep. OK, so this is when you just go on a park bench or a park's grass and just pass the fuck out. This can be tricky because if someone you know sees you, there is no denying it, and sleeping in public is not very professional, but if you work in a city and can go a little off the beaten path, you can get a good 30-minute nap that really may rejuvenate you for a good hour or so in the afternoon. This was my move from about 22 - 26 and I never got caught. Except for once - and this should serve as a word of caution to all of you young drunken nappers out there. I was at my job down near the South Street Seaport circa 2002 and had had a late night. Down near the water, they have these blocks of wood that serve as benches which are also good napping spots. I went down to the water, but when I lied down - face to the sky - the sun was unbearably bright, so I covered my eyes with my tie. It worked - but when I got back to the office, the two women I worked with (it was a small office) were like, "What did you do at lunch?" I claimed I had just gotten a sandwich and sat outside. They said, "Were you taking a nap or something?" I laughed it off and denied the accusation. I quickly went to the bathroom after my repeated denials of a siesta, and when I got there, I realized I had been caught red-handed, er, red-faced. My face was totally sunburnt. Well, totally except for the long straight line on my face, across my eyes of pale skin about a tie's-length-wide with, yes, an equally pale triangle on my face. Yes, I had gotten a tanline the shape of a necktie on my face. The jig was up.
So kids, if you must drink on a Thursday and can't tough it out, my advice to you is an inconspicuous outdoor spot. But wear sunscreen.


Open Bar said...

I fondly recall the days where I would lay my head on the soft toilet paper to my right...

But it seems that Office Managers have figured this out. Most toilet-paper dispensers now seem to be enclosed by some awful, uncomfortable shell. And, yes, I've tried it. It's not the same thing.

Best thing to do is go to law school or get an MBA so you have your own office. With a lock on the door. Hell, you might as well just load up, do your business, then take a well-earned -- and totally safe -- siesta.

ChuckJerry said...

I want to meet the guy who had the foresight to hit up business school, work his way up the corporate ladder and get his own office with the express purpose of being able to take naps.

He would truly be the king of all lazy people.

Side Bar said...

The closed-door, office nap is really the best there is. Especially if you know that the people who might interrupt the nap are not around (Friday afternoons are a particularly plentiful harvest for this occurrence).

The real trick is to have a secretary who is down, b/c he or she will (a) lie for you when people call or knock on your door and say "he can't be disturbed right now", and (b) wake you up at a pre-arranged time, if necessary.