One thing you have probably realized by now if you've ever read any of my web sites or blog posts is that I don't ever edit any of the entries. I usually just write in a Joycian stream of consciousness kind of way as if I were having a conversation with someone who doesn't do much talking (my real self and my e-self are polar opposites apparently). Once I run out of thoughts then I hit publish and that's it. So I know there are mistkes in here and in all my posts for that matter, but I'm not going to fix them.
I was re-reading some of the stories from my old web site. Most of them are still pretty funny, so In lieu of some original content, I'm just going to cut and paste one of those stories here. One of my favorite ones is Beer On The Girl, so that's the one I chose. I know most of you reading this blog were either there when this took place, or have read the story before, but If you haven't thought about this in a while, then read it again. You'll get a kick out of it.
Beer on the GirlSo I've read this over and this is definitely a very poorly written story. What actually happened was hysterically funny and I'm afraid that this rendition isn't really too funny. It's way too long and doesn't really get to any point at all. I hope one day soon I'll get to figure out what I want to say and write it here.
This is definitely the quickest turn around on any story on the great stories site. I am writing this tale roughly two months after the event in question has taken place. This story is too funny and too random not to have a place on the board. I am certain that in time, this story will be just as classic as the oft told nugget story, or even reach such grandiose heights as the shit story.
So I hope you all remember Evan. He appears in several stories on this site. Biggie Sessoms, Daffy and the Transvestite and, most notably in relation to this story, Beer on the Cat. Just to refresh our memories, Joe poured beer on Evan's cat and Evan got mad. Please try to keep this story in mind as you read about the events of this night.
There is a bar in Teaneck, NJ called Vinny O's. It's not unlike any other local bar you may have ever been to, but Vinny O's stands out in two ways that make this story possible. The first is that Vinny O's in in walking distance of my house, Brian's house, Luke's house, Dave's house, Chris's house (you get the point). As this is such, if there are no plans on a particular night, an evening at Vinny O's is always an option. The second thing that makes Vinny O's special is an even known as 'wing out'.
Every Thursday night at Vinny O's between the hours of 7 and 11pm you can get buffalo wings for 10 cents a piece. Thus if you walk in with 5 dollars, you can get a drink and some wings and be set for a while. The most common order is 20 wings coming to a grand total of 2 dollars. If given the opportunity, I could wax poetic about the brilliance of this particular night at Vinny O's, but then I would be way off the point. Suffice it to say, that Thursday nights at Vinny O's are a popular event.
There are some of my friends who in recent months have made Vinny O's on Thursday night the place to be. Among us were Brian, Luke, Ricky, Dave, and myself who could be said to be staples of the wing out crowd. There had also been at about this time several people who made slightly less frequent, but not unheard of forays into the wing out pantheon. Mike Gray, Gerald, Max, SPomm, Lilah, and Megan have been seen at wing out on many Thursdays. Now Evan himself had been to many a wing out, and in the weeks leading up to this event, was quickly becoming part of the staple group. Megan, who is another friend of ours, but who didn't know Evan especially well, had also been coming more and more frequently.
So we're this far down in the story and I have yet to say anything about what actually happened on that night. Before I start, I must say that this was the first Thursday night in many, many months that I wasn't at Vinny O's for wing out, so I'm relating this to you second hand. The best thing to ever happen at Vinny O's and I missed it. Most of the staple crew was there that night, including Evan. Megan was also there and with her on that evening were several of her friends from nursing school. One of Megan's friends is named Ina. (perhaps is Eena. I'm not really sure, but that's how it's pronounced. I'll stick with Ina.)
Anyway, everyone was just kindof hanging out, eating wings, things of that sort. Evan struck up a conversation with Ina. He talked to her for a while, but he soon got the impression that Ina was a bit full of herself. Evan was turned off a bit by what he felt was a superior attitude on Ina's part. Luke later confirmed the fact that Ina was acting a bit superior on this night and he wasn't especially fond of her at the end of the evening either. As Evan put it, "She thought she was dope, but she wasn't."
Anyway, Evan wasn't fond of Ina, and neither was Luke, so they stopped talking to her in favor of other activities. Even after leaving Ina, however, Evan felt that he deserved some sort of retribution for Ina's cold ways. He stopped for a while, thought a few thoughts, and came up with a plan, which he relayed to Luke.
"Hey, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna pour beer on that girl's head."
Now both Luke and Evan had had a couple of drinks at this point, so keep in mind that in all likelihood, niether of them was really thinking especially rationally. Luke was in a position to talk some sense into Evan. He was at least in a position to hold him back if he could not talk sense into him. But Luke passed up his opportunity to do that because, as he says, "At the time it seemed like a really good idea." Instead of advising against Evan's plan, therefore, Luke not only agreed but encouraged Evan to pour beer on Ina.
So Evan set out. He took his glass of beer and started toward Ina. Walking as straight a line as he possible could, he targeted the poor girl and soon had her in his sights. He was ready to strike when all of a sudden he realized that something was not quite right with his plan. If you are a good samaritan you might think that Evan had realized the foix pas he was about to commit and decided to err on the side of caution. You would be wrong in that assumption.
Evan looked down at his glass and realized that it was only half filled with beer. In order to have a fully effective strike, he must have a full glass. He turned around, went back to the pitcher on his table and filled his glass. Now fully prepared, he headed back toward Ina.
The strike was quick and unescapable. Evan walked past Ina as if he were going somewhere else and then performed the now famous turn and pour technique. Ina was obviously not expecting to be completely doused with beer at any point during that night, and she was therefore taken aback at what was happening.
Ina's first response was to start throwing kicks and punches in Evan's direction. She did her best to beat the crap out of Evan right from her barstool. It was a valiant effort, but for the most part a failure. Evan quickly held on to Ina and tried to calm her down, saying things like "It's ok, it's over now." and "Ok Ok, calm down it's alright."
So imagine this. You've just been doused with beer for no good reason at all and the person who's trying to console is the one who just doused you. Not only that, but he's trying to convince you that what had just happened was not really a big deal. Ina, like most people who might find themselves in such a situation, was having none of that. Even so, Evan had a grip on her so her fight was fruitless.
The reaction from those running the bar, however, was fast and furious. One of the bouncers quickly grapped Evan, put him in a headlock for several seconds, and then slammed him to the floor with his arms behind his back. Someone also held Ina if I remember the story correctly, but I think it was only to keep her from getting at Evan. During this whole time there were three or four people involved in running the bar who were saying things like "Oh, you fucked up tonight, man." and "You shouldn't have done that here." in Evan's general direction. Except it was more like yelling than saying and they were all standing right around him and simultaneously pulling him out of the bar.
Luke tried to step in on Evan's behalf, urging the bouncers to leave him alone, or at least to not treat him so roughly. Evan eventually ended up outside and was being spoken to by Vinny O himself who was among the men pulling Evan out. Vinny informed Evan that he was banned from Vinny O's for 3 entire weeks. This seems like a pretty arbitrary amount of time to be banned from somewhere, and as you may not understand, wing out is one of the more fun events in the week. In fact, Evan had been driving up from Rutgers for the past few Thursday nights in a row, just to come to wing out. Evan was therefore pretty upset that he wouldn't be able to come for a while and tried to talk down his sentence, as it seemed like it came out of thin air in the first place. In the end, however, the 3 week ban was held up and Evan would have to miss out on some hot wing out action.
As you can probably guess, the night at Vinny O's was pretty much over at this point. Everyone more or less decided that after what had just happened, they would be better off just leaving for the night. But here is where the story gets really interesting. I believe Megan was one of the people who had driven there on that particular night and she was obviously going to drive Ina home. Somehow, and as I wasn't there I really have no idea how this happened, but somehow Evan also ended up in Megan's car. And if that weren't strange enough, by the time Megan dropped Evan off, Evan and Ina were friends and they had decided that they would have to hang out again some time.
The next day Evan had a few cuts on his face from face planting into the floor. To peoplewho didn't know what happened, he was hesitant to tell them the real story. Aside from that life seemed to just go on. Evan served his three weeks and upon his return he was welcomed back to Vinny O's with what might be called a glorious send up, though it really wasn't. For various reasons wing out is no longer the glue that holds the week together and there really isn't a staple crowd that meets there every week. But to be banned from wing out during that period of time, was a grave punishment. Let's hope that Evan has realized the error of his ways.
In two short days, Las Vegas will finally get what it has waited 28 long, excruciating years for -- my presence. And what a weekend it will be as well. I'm heading out there for a friend's bachelor party, and it seems like the fates have conspired to make this perhaps the ultimate weekend to be there. Aside from the bachelor party stuff, which will certainly be great fun, three other events have magically converged, thus making May 5, 2007, perhaps the greatest day in history:
2. The Kentucky Derby. Some folks consider June 21 the first day of summer. Others say Memorial Day truly starts summer off. But over the past few years, I've come to believe that the first Saturday in May actually kicks things off. Though I'm not much of a gambler -- I feel like I have enough vices as it is -- I'll always head to OTB on Derby day. The Derby is the first big-time outdoor event in months (excluding Opening Day of baseball, since it is often ass-cold at Shea on April 1, and the Super Bowl, because half the time it's held in a dome), and May is usually my favorite month for weather, so that's often the first time I spend most of the day outside drinking -- what I would consider a good way to evaluate the start of summer. And finally, this is an event with an official drink. And what a drink it is! The Mint Julep! If you've never had one (you suck) here's what it is: fill a cup with crushed ice; grind up some sugar and fresh mint leaves; fill with bourbon (Maker's Mark, preferably). That's it. No mixers. It's just liquor with ice and a plant. And it tastes like ambrosia.
This is another thing I love about the derby: the way everyone gets all dressed up, especially the women and their hats. It's really a totally Southern, genteel style that dominates at Churchill Downs, something infrequently seen at major sporting events. And everyone gets wasted on Mint Juleps, as these fine folks are.
So basically, I know my Vegas trip has Saturday planned out: Morning -- Coronas and margaritas by the pool as I chill out in my sombrero wearing my Mexican flag bathing suit while I curse in Spanish as much as possible, maybe even a Latina hooker or three; afternoon -- Mint Juleps and pulling for Nobiz Like Showbiz, hopefully nailing a hooker with an endearing Southern accent; night -- rooting for de la Hoya even while watching him be as effective at successfully hitting Floyd as Mr. Miyagi was at getting one of those flies with chopsticks, and finishing off with a hooker who's into letting me punch her (that's legal in Vegas, right?).