Friday, September 21, 2007

Feeling badgered

I've recently voiced my displeasure regarding the Big Ten -- specifically, that its football teams are grossly overrated -- but I never really had a big problem with any of the schools themselves. (Except for Ohio State because...well because fuck Ohio State with a spiked bat.)

In fact, for a long time I've really wanted to attend a big-time Big Ten game, mostly for what I've heard is an outstanding tailgating experience. Since most Big Ten games start at about noon, that means, folks are there in the parking lot at the break of dawn, halfway through a 30-pack by 9 a.m. That's my kind of people. Then, once everyone's good and soused, it's time to head in for the game. At that point, I can't imagine anyone really follows it all that closely. Sure, you cheer when your team scores, you boo when the referee calls your team for an illegal formation. The usual. But the drunken camaraderie in the stands, with everyone wearing the same colors, screaming their brains out, while being generally unable to remember what happened on the previous play -- that's college football. And the Big Ten was supposed to be known for this type of glorious revelry.

But then this happened.

What the fuck? You can't be drunk at the game? You have to pass a fucking breathalyzer to get in?

And at Wisconsin? I had always actually kinda liked the Badgers. People I know who went there all seem well adjusted and -- unlike, say, those who would willingly refer to themselves as "Buckeyes" -- worth talking to, you might even say "smart." Well how come no one told me Wisconsin was run by freedom-hating fascists? Is that why the school's color is red?

"Who wants a moustache the gulag!!!"

People in Wisconsin, I've heard, are so full of meat and cheese that they have to drink a handle of vodka just to get a little tingly. These people can handle their liquor. Whichever teetotalling pussy came up with this new rule deserves to be tarred and feathered in the town square.

So I guess I've gotta find a new Big Ten team. You know what? I can't believe this never occurred to me. Purdue! Know why? Their nickname is the Boilermakers. And we all know what a Boilermaker is, right? A shot of whiskey dropped into a pint of beer. Now that's a Big Ten school worth cheering on.

Wow, what happened? How the fuck did I end up a Purdue fan. Shoot me now.

P.S.: I just received this from Danny G, a Wisconsin grad. He and I have had some very good talks about drinking policy and stuff. Here's what he had to say:

"This will be for very specific students who at previous games pass through the police center [at Camp Randall], and if students were issued an underage alcohol citation, they would have to come and blow a .000," said Kevin Helmkamp, an associate dean in the Office of the Dean of Students, who expects the PBTs to be administered at the student entrance.

So the guy in this quote is an old nemesis of mine from when some good friends got thrown out of the dorm freshman year. We went out in the papers and in letters back and forth and eventually on a local tv news segment. Suffice it to say, he's a douche.

But you think that's bad, you should read the recent pieces in the Times about drinking in Madison. The chancellor's had a stick up his ass about this shit for years. Their approach to curbing problem drinking is all wrong, but they have no idea what to do, 'cause they only talk to the non-drinkers when formulating their approach. Oh well...

1 comment:

Joe Grossberg said...

Oh, please. Osama bin Laden couldn't blow a .000 ... if you have eaten bread that day, you'll have at least some fermentation in your breath.