Sunday, September 30, 2007

Fuck You, The Mets

Fuck You, the Mets, you dirty whore, game losing, non-champagne sipping, complacent motherfuckers.

Fuck you, Carlos Beltran, for misplaying that Jimmy Rollins triple, and for not being able to hit a two strike breaking ball even though everyone in the stadium knows it's coming.

Fuck you, Carlos Delgado, for hitting about .215 and not providing any sort of stability in the lineup and for a guaranteed suckfest about 95% of the time.

Fuck you, Luis Castillo, for not swinging at the first two strikes in every single fucking at bat and for trying to do everything in a flashy way, even taking cutoff throws.

Fuck you, Paul LoDuca, for hitting into double plays like you're going to get some sort of bonus at the end of the season, and for not being able to control your temper enough to keep yourself in the games down the playoff stretch, you hot headed Italian Brooklynite.

Fuck you, Tom Glavine, for pitching a third of an inning and giving up 7 runs for an ERA of 189.00 in your only start that even mattered this season. Way to end the career, Tommy.

Fuck you, Jose Reyes, for not running out ground balls or pop ups, and for trying to hit home runs when you're a doubles hitter, and for sucking down the stretch so badly that it's abundantly clear that any team would rather have both Jimmy Rollins and Hanley Ramirez at this point, and for trying to steal third base with two outs when you're already in scoring position more than once, and for having those fucking retarded individualized handshakes with everyone that you can't do in the dugout for some reason.

Fuck you, David Wright, for....being...awesome.

Fuck you, Sean Green, for being an over the hill power hitter who hit 11 home runs this year and who looks like you're going to fall over on your face every time you swing and miss at a ball out of the strike zone, which is often.

Fuck you, Moises Alou, for getting hurt and missing half the season and for giving the fans a glimpse of what they could have had if you weren't a 41 year old guy with above average skills and a propensity for playing 65 games a season, like you've done every year for the past 15 years (didn't someone know this before they signed him, because I did?)

Fuck you, Blastings (it takes a) Milledge, for being the guy in the league with the highest bravado to skill ratio, even more than Delmon Young who throw's bats at umpires. God forbid you make a play or get a hit without celebrating as if you're not payed to do what you just did and gloating over it for two innings so that the rest of the actual baseball game passes you by.

Fuck you, El Duque, for being a 45 year old with the birth certificate of a 37 year old who's crafty enough to come up with some huge wins, but clearly old enough to get hurt down the stretch when your team needs you for the SECOND YEAR IN A ROW, you dirty bastard.

Fuck you, Oliver Perez, for walking everyone in the goddamned lineup and hitting three guys in an inning and not being able to control your fucking pitches despite the fact that you're a major league pitcher. All of your big wins came in May and if you don't get more consistent I will hate you forever.

Fuck you, John Maine, for...leading the team in wins...and for having about as good a year as could have been expected...and for coming up with the only good start for the Mets in September.

Fuck you, Endy Chavez, for getting hurt and missing months of the season when the Mets biggest strength was their bench and it was because of you and for being meaningless to the team this year (even though you're still my favorite Met, provided you come back next year and play competently).

Fuck you, Carlos Gomez, for looking like you're trying to screw yourself into the ground and hit the ball about 650 feet on every swing, when all you need is to hit singles and use your speed to wreak havoc on the bases, just like Jose Reyes didn't down the stretch.

Fuck you, Brian Lawrence, for...wait, who the fuck is Brian Lawrence and why was he starting the must win game on the day after they got swept by the Phillies?

Fuck you, Mike Pelfrey, for going 0-7 to start the season and making it abundantly clear that you're not ready for the majors and that the Mets farm system is not going to provide them with any chips heading into next season, with the possible exception of Blastings (it takes a) Milledge, who sucks in his own way.

Fuck you, Guillermo Mota, for being the worst person in the history of the world, and for somehow convincing the Mets to sign you to a two year contract despite the fact that you were a mediocre relief pitcher with a history of throwing at the head of the Mets best player, and who's only success in the league clearly came because of your steroid use which you admit and which you missed the first 50 games of the season for, and we were better without ou during those 50 games, you dirty, dirty, bitch.

Fuck you, Scott Schoenweiss, I don't care if I spelled your name wrong, because you suck at pitching and this isn't 10 years ago when you were a mediocre starter in this league, so why in the world would you be even a halfway decent relief pitcher today?

Fuck you, Aaron Sele, for being hated by the management so much that you were behind Guillermo Mota on the depth chart and weren't even good enough to be the mop up guy on most days.

Fuck you, Aaron Heilman, for being good enough to get holds in most 8th innings, except when there's a game that we might need to win, for some reason, and then there's a guaranteed home run being given up when you're on the mound.

Fuck you, Joe Smith, for hitting the wall in June. Seriously, June.

Fuck you, Pedro Feliciano, for having a pretty good season except for in the end of the year when it actually mattered and you were clearly overworked on the season just like Joe Torre overworked Paul Quantrill, Tom Gordon, Jeff Nelson, Scott Proctor, and Jose Feliciano.

Fuck you, Billy Wagner, for not blowing a save until late August, and then having a tired arm and back spasms and being the suckiest suck among the other sucks in the bullpen to the extent that the guy who I trust most in the bullpen is Aaron Heilman, which makes me sick.

Fuck you Duaner Sanchez, for...are you still alive?

Fuck you, Pedro Martinez, for making only 4 starts on the season, all in September, and pitching well enough to win the game, only having to leave after 5 innings because you were on a pitch count and leaving the game to the couldn't suck worse bullpen.

Fuck you, Ruben Gotay, for being a way below average second baseman, so much so that we had to go get a million year old Luis Castillo at the trading deadline even though you were hitting .340 at the time.

Fuck you, Marlon Anderson, for geting suspended for two games in September because you had to argue with an umpire instead of just letting it go, and the one guaranteed clutch pinch hit was missing for us down the stretch.

Fuck you, Ricky Henderson, for giving Jose Reyes bad habits to the extent that he didn't steal any bases in September.

Fuck you, Rick Peterson, for wearing that stupid jacket in the middle of April, and for not teaching your pitchers the most important rule of pitching, whish is that they have to get guys out and not give up 6 run leads 3 times in September.

Fuck you, Willie Randolph, for not even showing a hint of trepidation while your season slipped away from you. I don't need you to yell or be someone that you're not, but I do need you to say something like, "It's time for us to stop screwing around and put this away," instead of saying, "Yeah there's some bumps in the road, but it'll be that much sweeter when we're sipping champagne."

Fuck you, Omar Minaya, for letting your bullpen suck ass and not even trying to do anything about it. You mean to tell me that you had the gaul to let Chad Bradford walk and the foresight to sign Guillermo Mota to a TWO YEAR EXTENTSION?

Fuck whoever is responsible for the fact that I'm going to have to pay even more money for my season tickets next year to watch a team with no heart and no character in a shithole of a stadium until your new stadium is finished next season and undoubtedly more than the $14 dollars for parking that I paid this year.

If I missed anyone, then I will amend this post with the appropriate amount of vigor.


Open Bar said...

Chuck -- brilliant.

(But also, fuck Jose Valentin and Damion Easley.

Why? Because fuck them.)

Kill me now.

Side Bar said...

Fuck you, Philip Humber, for not being able to get out of the fifth inning in a game in which you needed to get out of the fifth inning? You pitched at AAA all year? So what? The Nationals play AAA-level baseball, except against us, when we make them look like the 1927 Yankees.

ChuckJerry said...

I had come back and put valentin and easley for their mustache and for spraining their ankle, respectively, but it didn't upsate for some reason.