Sunday, June 10, 2007

Things That Are Overrated: Beer

I know, I know, this is blasphemy. At least read all the way through before you tell me how bad I suck.

Beer is a carbonated alcoholic beverage. If you want a carbonated beverage, then you should drink coke or sprite, both of which taste better than beer. If you want an alcoholic beverage, then you should drink whiskey or rum or vodka or you get the idea, all of which have more alcohol content and leave you with less of a hangover. If you need an alcoholic carbonated beverage, then combine the two into something like rum and coke or jack and coke.

Beer tastes like shit. There is no one among us who didn't cringe the first time he or she drank beer because it tastes bad. You're gonig to argue that the first beer we had was most likely a shitty beer, and it probably was, but there is no beer that tastes much better than your average shitty beer. And most of us just continue to drink shitty beer anyway, rather than spend real money on marginally better tasting swill.

I'll speak for myself i saying that I've only gotten sick from drinking when I've had too much beer. Almost all beer, unless you're drinking German beer for some reason (purity law), has various preservatives and so forth in it that just make you sick in abundance when combined with the alcohol. And if you're just trying to get shtfaced, really it's a catch-22 because the alcohol content in beer is so low relative to liquor that you have to drink far more beer to reach that level. (I was tempted to coin a phrase like "TestaBerskaGuiney Threshold", but decided against it.) So then by the time you drink al this beer you have all that carbonation in your gut and you know that ain't helping matters.

And it's not just that I personally don't care for beer. It's that a lot of people get really extra fired up about beer. There are festivals and contests and what not. People spend a lot fo time thinking about what makes a good beer versus what doesn't and it's really just unwarranted in my opinion. If you like beer, then that's fine, but just pick a beer and drink it and wallow in your misery in the corner like a good drunk. I don't need to hear about barley and tannins and what not. If I see the Sam Adams guy in a commercial one more time testing beer and talking about high standards and quality while he walks around his brewery in a lab coat when I know in my heart that Sam Adams tastes like absolute shit then I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. (You know a lot of people, and I mean a lot, will start the "If I see x one more time..." without having a reasonable conclusion in mind, that it's something that really should just be stricken from the lexicon. It seems blatantly inappropriate to set up that whole scenario just to say "...then I don't know what I'm going to do".)

If you see me tonight and I'm drinking beer, I don't want to hear shit from you. I didn't say I hate beer, I just said it's overrated. I still listen to U2 songs, it's just that they're overrated. If you can honestly tell me that there's a discernable difference between Coors Light, Bud Light, Miller Light, Original Bud, MGD, Amstel, Heineken, and whatever else, then I think you're just fooling yourself. I do like Blue Moon, though.

OK, let the mild raping begin.


Max said...

Whether you like beer or not, there DEFINITELY is a difference between, say, a Blue Moon or a Heineken, and all the other beer you mentioned. I enjoy slowly drinking a good beer or two, like Blue Moon.

I'd be interested, though, if big-time beer drinkers could pass the Pepsi challenge among generic beers like Miller Lite, Bud Lite, etc...

Side Bar said...

Fearing that my response will be labeled "predictable," I still have to disagree with this post. Beer is as varied as other alcoholic beverages (wine, whiskey, tequila, etc.) and is as prone to variations in taste as each of them.

If the point is that Natty Light and Old Milwaukee suck, fine, point taken. But that's no different than pointing to a box of Franzia and saying "wine sucks."

There is a reason that La Fin Du Monde (a Canadian beer that is perhaps one of the best I have ever tasted) costs more than Coors Light. Beer, like any other generic product with lots of specific brands, can be good, bad and everything in between.

Leaving to the side the socio-cultural element of "havin' a beer" (when was the last time you went to a bar-b-q to have a few "rum and cokes" with some good friends?), I think I disagree with the premise of the post, that beer doesn't really taste that good, and since the only reason anyone could drink it is to get drunk, then there are better options.

Wrong. Having 15-20 light beers when you want to get bombed can be fun, but drinking a really good beer, even only one (ok two) with one or two other people can be utterly enjoyable.

The taste, smell, texture and composure of a really good beer can be the subject of much debate and enjoyment. Of course, a [insert domestic brand here] Light is more for just getting a buzz than it is for enjoying the taste, but that's no reason to dump beer across the board.

Chuck -- some afternoon this summer we are going to do a beer tasting (and I am comfortable volunteering Open Bar to participate without checking with him first) and I am going to try an show you the error of your ways.

Leave the car keys and the baby . . . it's going to be a long afternoon.

ChuckJerry said...

I will submit to said torture.

Open Bar said...

Beer is not overrated and I refuse to dignify this absurdity with some well-thought-out resp -- (burp)

I'll be at the beer tasting.