Bewildering Bidets

Non-non-sequitor (Chuck): As I sit down to write this, it occurred to me that this is my second post about shitting.

Today I'd like to talk about something neither near nor dear to our American hearts: bidets.









Now, for those of you that don't know, this is a bidet:










Yes, yes I know, it looks like a cross between a water fountain and a toilet.

Wikipedia describes a bidet as such: "A bidet is a low-mounted plumbing fixture or type of sink intended for washing the genitalia and the anus. Originally a French word, in English, bidet is pronounced (IPA): [bɨˈdeɪ] (US), [ˈbiːdeɪ] (UK)."

(Or, "buh-DAY".)

I've had two experiences with bidets -- the first good, and the second, well, not so good.

1. Bidets are Bi'DOPE!

The first time I used a bidet I was in Brazil. In Brazil they weren't so fancy. They were more like one of those removable-adjustable shower-head thingys but hanging alone next to the toilet. With these, you shat your shit, and instead of using toilet paper, you took the shower-head and washed off with the bidet-head. It was pretty great.

2. Bi'DOH!

My second experience was not quite so pleasant.

I was in Genoa, Italy, a few weeks ago and was in a four-star hotel with much more of a "traditional" bidet.

It looked like a toilet seat with the lid up. It had one of those stick handles you toggle between hot and cold and another handle for the pressure. Its spout appeared to be an upside-down sink faucet.

So -- and this is not a self-flatterting picture by any means -- after having dropped off the Huxtables on a beautiful Genoan night, I figured I'd bidet my big'ass. I straddled the bidet and, looking down on it with my neck craned like an owl, tried to line up my asshole with the little knob. I turned on the knob and it was trickling cold water. I turned it higher and warmer where it was just above 'lukewarm' and not a very strong flow of water.

So here I am, vulnerable as a giraffe drinking water: legs spread, asshole lined up, the warm water trickling. Then I turn the faucet up. I take the plunge:

• Have you ever had a fire hose shooting boiling water up your asshole? Well, I did and it hurt. The water, when I turned it on full throttle, turned FUCKING HOT. I'm not saying a little too warm, I mean, like, boil-your-bunny-level-fucking-hot. It was hot and I had turned this motherfucker on full blast.
• Now, if you were straddling a scalding-hot stream of water up your ass, what would you do? Yeah, me too -- I jumped out of the way, with the bidet still on full blast shooting into the wall. And with a curious girlfriend calling in, "Is everything OK, honey?" ("Yeah, it's OK!"). I landed on the floor and watched as the bidet punished the wall while a mini-cesspool began to form on the floor.
• I shut off the bidet, sopped up the water, and wiped my ass like the pig-headed American I am.

So, my advice to you: We are Americans, we don't eat with chopsticks, we don't use the metric system and we don't use bidets. We wipe shit out of our assholes with our hands and paper -- not butt-fountains.

G'day, bidet!