Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Stupid shit I do to myself

I consider myself a fairly smart person. I know quite a bit about a few things, but mostly I know a little bit about a lot of things. I love those trivia games on those Max machines in bars. I love watching Jeopardy.

But despite all that apparent genius, I still often find that I'm a total dumbass. But I hope it's not just me.

Here are a few things I often do to myself that make me feel like an idiot:
  1. Bite my tongue. Holy Christ, how bad does that hurt? Usually, I'm just chewing my food -- a very normal activity -- and out of nowhere, it's like FUCK! OW! A variation on this is biting my cheek. Why does this happen? I've been chewing food for years, you'd think I'd be good enough at it by now, right?
  2. Stub my toe. Again, so much pain, and why? Did my body momentarily forget how to walk? Obviously, this sort of thing happens more often during the summer, when I'm wearing flip-flops. But I also like to walk around the apartment barefoot from time to time so, occasionally, the floor apparently jumps up an inch or so and BAM! Bloody toe. This one sucks in particular because it makes walking hard. Walking. Not like I have to do that much.
  3. Hit my head on the kitchen cabinet. This one is rarer than the first two but, because of that, is much more embarrassing and hard to understand. Have I not opened those same cabinets a million times? Do I not know where they are? I'll simply be putting the dried dishes away from the dishrack -- glasses here, bowls there, etc. -- when SMACK! My temple is bleeding.
  4. Poke myself in the eye. Fortunately, this one seems to be getting more and more infrequent. But once in a while, for whatever reason, my hands are near my face and OOPS! This'll basically put me out of commission for a while. I can't see, so best to just stop everything, try to stay still, and let myself recover. Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "How the fuck did that happen?" Answer: Well, dumbass, you just put your finger into your eye socket, did you think it wouldn't result in exactly this?
I'm sure there are a hundred other stupid things I do to myself all the time that I can't even remember right now (No. 5: Can't remember things that happened.).

But I wonder if these sorts of things happen to you. If not, go to hell. But if so, what are they? And do the ones I've mentioned happen to you too?

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