Thursday, January 14, 2010

"I am the Key Master" . . . "I am the Gate Keeper"

It finally happened.

Vinz Clortho and Zuul. In the same room.

The sound you just heard? The simultaneous breaking of millions of Tea Partiers' backs under the weight of the sheer awesome and win that is

Glenn Beck interviewing Sarah Palin for the first time!!!!!!!

(Can your fingers be out of breath? Because mine sure feel that way after typing that.)

Now what did we learn here?
  • Politicians tend to fall on the untrustworthy end of the spectrum
  • Glenn Beck would totally suck the labia right off the Statue of Liberty
  • Glenn also keeps a journal (though I bet off-screen he calls it his diary)
  • Glenn and Sarah were the top two Halloween costumes (I couldn't verify this, but perhaps my Google Fu is weak today; it's the kind of thing that sounds reasonable -- after all, there are a looooooot of supercrazy folks out there who think these two are just the tops, you betcha! -- but it came out of Glenn Beck's mouth, so it must be wrong. I mean, I heard Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. I'm supposed to trust his statistics? Not until he produces that girl and proves he didn't rape and kill her.)
  • Glenn utters the phrase "radical, revolutionary crazy people" without a hint of irony or self-awareness
  • John McCain supported the bank bailouts, aka TARP -- a point which Glenn makes to illustrate what McCain got wrong, why it was so hard to vote for him last fall. Right at the 7:43 mark, listen to how much disdain Glenn conjures when uttering the word "bailout." And the sweet-natured, common-sense conservative Hockey Mom of the Great (Very) White North, the one who spent the start of the interview bemoaning the lack of trustworthiness in Washington politicians, basically nods in agreement. What went unmentioned? BOTH GLENN BECK AND SARAH PALIN SUPPORTED THE BANK BAILOUTS. Man, I absolutely adore these two. It's goddamn spectacular, the things that come out of their mouths!
  • At about the 5:37 mark, Glenn tells us about some lists he and Sarah appeared on, one of which was "Most Admired." Now, I believed this instantly because duh, obviously, you guys. I didn't need any sort of proof or anything, despite what I said up there about Glenn and numbers and murdering and raping and stuff. But the good folks at Fox were kind enough to show a graphic of the poll indicating that Glenn and Sarah were, in fact, among the Most Admired Men and Women in the country. Here's what they showed us:

Now, I know what you're thinking -- where the hell is David Wright on that list? I was thinking the same thing, so I checked the original list, and here's what I found:

Again, no D-Dubs. And then I was like, waitaminnithere... Can I see those two next to each other, please?

Uh, those numbers, like, aren't the same.

A-ha! The Fox poll is only of independent voters, voting only on political figures. Which makes sense, right? I mean, it's not like either person on screen was recently on the national ticket of one of the two major parties, right? It was nice of Glenn to mention those parameters when he told us how admired they both were. And also, I'm sure it had nothing to do with getting Sarah's name above Hillary Clinton's, or Glenn Beck's over some old black guy's.

Being the industrious little scamp I am, I decided to look a little further into those numbers. Gallup says that it interviewed 1,025 people for this particular survey. And according to, about 38% of Americans identify themselves as Independent. That means about 390 Independents were surveyed. Of those 390, Sarah Palin was voted Most Admired Woman by 14% and Glenn Beck was voted Most Admired Man by a whopping 3%. In other words, 55 people said they really like Sarah and TWELVE whole people said the same about dear Glenn.

Now that is something worth bragging about. Kudos, Beckster.

I don't really know what all this means or why the hell I just spent all this time looking into it, but I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility that if those two spent enough time together, they would eventually spawn some Gozer-like thing so full of insanity, we'd all have to deal with a situation requiring one of us to say, "Nobody steps on a church in my town!"

Or, "Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!"

Or something. Oh, and I get to be Venkman. Dibs.

Anyway, hey -- check out this lady dancing!


ChuckJerry said...

Is this the kind of thing where I would be pigeonholed into the Ernie Hudson role? Kindof like LJT always getting to be Luke Skywalker.

This was the most thoroughly researched blog post of the last 2 years.

ChuckJerry said...

As much as it makes absolutely no sense, for some reason I always thought the keymaster's name was Vince Clortho. You know, a nice Italian boy who happened to fall into the family business of guarding evil gates to alternate universes.

Open Bar said...

And whatever really happens to Gozer? After they blast her and she disappears ("We neutronized her!"), I guess she turns into that smoky, flashing light that talks ("The choice is made! The traveler has come."), then what? Turns into the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man? Is that Gozer's new form or something?

And yeah, Chuck, you'd be Winston, obviously. Although you'd be a good Egon too, what with the math thing and all.

Side Bar said...

god damn it I am probably Spengler.

when we used to play star wars winit would make me be lando calrisian and I had to stay in the backyard because he never leaves cloud city. he and ljt would just run around in the front yard and I would just sit on that getto old brick deck (yeah, I am going way back) by myself. that was so fucked up and I just went along with it.

Side Bar said...

oh and by the way, nice work, woodward and openbarstein. you should send this shit to Jon Stewart. He makes fun of Fox News sometimes and could probably use it.

ChuckJerry said...

So, who was winit? Chewbacca? Han Solo? Couldn't one of you play each of those roles?

Was there some logic to you being Lando, or was it just how it was?

ChuckJerry said...

Yeah, my impression was that Gozer took on the avatar of the Stay Puft dude.

Open Bar said...

Well, SB, I wouldn't worry about being forced to be Lando around here. I think it's fairly obvious Chuck would be Lando.

LJT would be Luke again and I, naturally, would be Han Solo.

Not sure who that leaves you with. You're not old like Obi-Wan. You're kind of a dick, so there's always Vader. I can't think of any lawyers in the Star Wars universe (maybe that's why it's so popular).

There's always Admiral Ackbar, I suppose.

Or Leia.

Open Bar said...

Chuck, if SB was Lando and LJT was Luke, then it seems pretty clear that Winit got to be Han, no?

As for Gozer -- then who's doing the voice? I had thought that was Gozer's new formless (except for the smoky and flashing light) form, announcing the coming of the Traveler. I suppose Gozer could be speaking in the third person, though.

ChuckJerry said...

"Well, SB, I wouldn't worry about being forced to be Lando around here. I think it's fairly obvious Chuck would be Lando."

Walked right into that one. There's no chance I could be Mace Windu, is there?

Side Bar would be good at that dude that gets choked out by Vader. If I thought about it long enough I could remember his name, but that would be super nerdy, so I'll stop thinking about it.

I think he shows up, and then vaporizes so they can choose the form he will take, and then he takes that form. And he's a god so he definitely refers to himself in the third person.

Gozer is the Traveller, no?

My favorite Ghostbusters line is actually from 2 when Louis goes, "These guys are great. I turned into a dog once and they helped me." Even when I saw that in the theater when we were little kids I thought that was the funniest line.

ChuckJerry said...

It's Grand Moff Tarkin. I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Open Bar said...

"I think he shows up, and then vaporizes so they can choose the form he will take, and then he takes that form. And he's a god so he definitely refers to himself in the third person.

Gozer is the Traveller, no?"

That kinda makes sense, but then how come Gozer went from being right there on the roof of the building with the Ghostbusters to being mad blocks away when s/he/it got all Stay Puft?

ChuckJerry said...

He had to make an entrance. If he can travel between parallel universes, then he can materialize a few blocks away if he wants to.

Open Bar said...

It just seems a like a hassle. I mean s/he/it (or as Clay Davis would do it: s/heeeee/it) was already up there. I like a big entrance as much as the next interdimensional, cross-ripping nimble little minx, but not only did Mr. Stay Puft show up mad blocks away, he also had to climb the damn building.