Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I hate the fucking Spurs and Robert Horry can just die already

Since my lazy co-contributors to this otherwise-marvelous blog have failed to write anything lately -- and I was stuck without Internet access all day (Can you remember back in like, 1993, when people would look at you like you were an alien troll-monster wearing a Dynamite Kid costume for saying that?) -- I figured I'd throw it out there to everyone to give your opinions on how the Phoenix Suns should respond to the fact that Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw have been suspended for Game 5 on Thursday for...getting off the bench?

In case you don't follow sports (so you're a girl, admit it), Steve Nash -- who is the best player on the Suns and the two-time defending league MVP (Yeah, Dirk, congrats on your totally deserved win this year.) -- has been beaten like Mike Tyson's girlfriend by several of the Spurs in this series so far. He couldn't finish Game 1 after suffering a revolting gash on his nose after an (apparently) accidental collision with someone; in Game 3, Bruce Bowen blatantly kneed him in the balls (no Bowen suspension, even though most players not on the Spurs know he's a dirty player); and in Game 5, with the Suns leading with just a few seconds left, Robert Horry (who is about a foot taller, 100 lbs. heavier, and a total chickenshit bastard) hip-checked him into the scorer's table.

After Horry's clearly intentional assault, Stoudamire and Diaw got up off the bench and -- wait for it -- walked toward where Nash was still on the floor in pain. And for this horrible act of vengeance, Stoudamire (the Suns' best big man and a first-team All-NBA player) and Diaw can't play in Game 5. And Horry got a two-game vacation. Keep in mind -- Horry is a role player, Stoudamire and Diaw the heart of the Suns' frontcourt. (Horry, by the way, gets a lot of credit for having six championship rings, but fuck him. He's always been, like, the seventh or eighth best player on all of those teams. Way to go, Bobby, you're the man. You can cheap-shot a much smaller guy when the game's already been decided. Just go hang yourself already.)

This all dates back to the 1997 Knicks/Heat series in which Patrick Ewing and three other players were suspended for "leaving the bench." The Knicks, who were leading 3-2 in that series, went on to lose Games 6 and 7.

Here's my advice for the Suns: Since Stoudamire can't start, put in the 12th man (or the 11th man, if he's bigger) at his position, and within the first minute or so, have him either clothesline the Spurs' point guard, Tony Parker, like King Kong Bundy going after Koko Beware; or have him throw a nasty chop-block on Tim Duncan's right knee. The Suns' guy will no doubt be ejected (and suspended for the rest of the playoffs for sure, but he's only the 12th guy, right?), but that would at least even things out and send a message to STOP FUCKING WITH STEVE NASH JUST BECAUSE HE'S BEEN KICKING YOUR ASS.

I eagerly await anyone's else's ideas on how the Suns should handle this travesty of punishment by the slowly dying NBA. (Yeah, "slowly dying." How else can you explain a league sending down an injustice like this which will inevitably lessen what was until-now one of the few reasons to even bother watching?)

(This is our 100th post. Yay for us!)

2 comments:

Joseph said...

Your "slowly dying" analysis is ridiculous.

The NHL is "slowly dying".

Even baseball is more accurately described as "slowly dying" due to the injustice of a cheating douchebag like Barry Bonds about to claim its greatest record.

"Slowly dying" in terms of your personal interest level, maybe.

But the sport is still ridiculously popular and profitable. It's the biggest US league, globally. And it's insanely hot with the under-20 crowd.

Are you saying the big three sports in 2020 will be NFL, soccer and Ultimate Fighting?

Vince McMahon Jr. said...

FYI, his name was Koko B. Ware, not Koko Beware. He wasn't a warning to people, he was a high-flying superstar (that may be pushing it a little) in the WWF who carried a bird to the ring with him... Props to anyone who can remember the bird's name!