Side Bar? Come in. Come in, Side Bar. I got nothing.

I know that our posts recently have been lacking -- there haven't been many, and most haven't been all that interesting. I want to apologize on behalf of Chuck, LJT, and myself. The three of us have half-assed it for a bit now, and we're gonna pick it up from here on out.

But what I really want to do here is assign blame. Assign it to Side Bar. Where are you, Side Bar? Where ya been? This is all your fault. But honestly, I just want to help. So I've come up with a few possible theories regarding Side Bar's apparent disappearence, and I want to know what y'all think. Please let me know if you have any further information regarding this case. If you think one of my theories is right, awesome. If you have your own, let it be known. But no matter what happens, let's just hope for Side Bar's safe return.

(Anything in quotes is my best guess at what Side Bar will say to me upon reading this. The others are my sincere attempts at trying to guess what happened to him.)

1. Fell into a well, just like baby Jessica.
2. Eaten by a shark.
3. In rehab.
4. "I've been working so hard, I haven't had time to post anything."
5. Hanging with A-Rod at strip clubs in Toronto.
6. Typing fingers broken by Louie and Vinnie following some poor Preakness bets.
7. "Hey Open Bar -- fuck off. Get a real job!"
8. On a Hemingway-esque bender somewhere in Key West. (I hope!)
9. Kidnapped by Wu and a blonde porno-actor guy who thought he was a different Side Bar, the millionaire Side Bar. ("You're not dealing with morons here.")
10. Had an awful car accident on the way to the Cape; was hobbled by his Number One Fan!
11. Wife won't let him blog anymore.
12. In a total stupor about how much the Mets rule and how much the yankees suck.
13. In the hospital due to something stupid I did that I don't remember.

For those who don't really care, hey watch this! (And just so you know, she's saying "sparkling wiggles," okay?)