Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Most Fucked Up Christmas Carol

I know I'm not the first person to come to this realization, but literally just yesterday it occurred to me that "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" is like one of the single most fucked up songs in the history of the world. It's about essentially an omniscient and omnipresent dude who has the capability to ruin your life if he sees fit.

That motherfucker can see you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake. And as this is such, you'd better not shout, cry, or pout because he's coming to town. I feel like this is a song that probably has like 4 more verses describing all the fucked up things Santa would do to you if you pouted too much but we never hear them, like the national anthem.

Who wrote this song? I mean, I can just imagine some down on his luck guy with 3 kids who never gets a moment's peace just sitting there around November 7th one year like, "You know what kids, you better stop acting like jackasses because Santa Claus is coming to town. You don't have to listen to me but Santa Claus sees you when your sleeping and he knows when you're awake."

How in the world did this song become a holiday standard? It's a fucking vindictive and creepy song. And we sing it like it's "Silent Night" or something. Can we start some sort of committee to get this song out of the Christmas rotation? We can just play the Hanukkah song instead or something.


The Notorious LJT said...

when i was like two i was completely scared of santa claus and apparently asked my uncle one day in near terror, santa claus is coming to TOWN?

Open Bar said...

Here's the second verse and, wow, it's fuckin' freaky too:

With little tin horns and little toy drums,
rootie-toot-toots and rum-a-tum tums.
Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town.

Curly head dolls that toddle and coo,
elephants, boats and kiddie cars too.
Santa Claus is comin' to town.

The kids and girls in boyland
will have a jubilee.
They're going to build a toyland town,
all around the Christmas tree.

You better watch out!
Better not cry!
Better not pout!
I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is comin' to town.

Anonymous said...

That picture of the kid on Santa's lap is downright creepy.

(W.V.: "patio". Weird, a regular word!)