Old School Saturday

The song, Mistadobalina, by Del The Funky Homosapien came up in conversation today.

I hadn't thought of that song in years, but I remember really liking it.

The song was released by Del TFH in 1991 and sometime around then (maybe a few years later) I had a CCD (Sunday School but on Tuesdays for all you non-Catholics out there)
teachr named Bob Palladino and we used to sing the song as

Mistapaladino
Mista Bobpalladino
Mistapaladino
Mista Bobpalladino

It always got a laugh.

Incidentally, Mr. Palladino Mr. Bob Palladino apparently recently pled guilty to some kind of embezzlement at the school district he worked in or something like that recently.

Anyway, my mom said that she thought this song was based on some Monkeys song from the 1960s and some googling confirmed that:

Zilch - The Monkees


Zilch!
Mister dobalena, mister bob dobalena
Mister dobalena, mister bob dobalena
Mister dobalena, mister bob dobalena
Mister dobalena, mister bob dobalena

Zilch!
China clipper calling alameda
China clipper calling alameda
China clipper calling alameda
China clipper calling alameda

Zilch!
Never mind the furthermore, the plea is self defense.
Never mind the furthermore, the plea is self defense.
Never mind the furthermore, the plea is self defense.
Never mind the furthermore, the plea is self defense.

Zilch!
It is of my opinion that the people are intending.
It is of my opinion that the people are intending.
It is of my opinion that the people are intending.
It is of my opinion that the people are intending.

Who knew?

And for old times sake, let's listen to the song again - shall we?

The remaining of my post is to be read in the voice of the announcer from Video Music Box on BET.

It's nervous Thursday, we're gonna kick it with Del The Funky Homosapia and Mistadobalina:

Frisbee Beers

Lately there has been a discussion of how many beers fit into a frisbee. Chuck's initial claim of 8 beers was rightly challenged by Side Bar. Clearly a frisbee cannot hold 8 beers. Following that, Chuck used math and shit and arrived at the 2.5 beers conclusion.

Very close, Chuck.

Z, one of our good friends who is also an exceptional math guy, used math and calculated 2.98 (or what most of us would call "3") beers in a frisbee. Both of their answers led to the conclusion that a frisbee contains 2.5 to 3 beers.

When one puts this into practice, the truth is...different. This is not to denigrate Chuck's or Z's conclusions. They did not have an actual frisbee to use in their calculations.

I was able to obtain a regulation-size frisbee (courtesy of Goldie, whose frisbee is definitely trustworthy). And then I poured beer into it. I was very surprised.

One beer.

Two.

Three.

It held nearly four beers.

Drinking a frisbee full of beer is no easy task. I would not have thought that until I actually poured beer into a "disc."

I'm still not a fan of people that take Ultimate Frisbee too seriously. People that do that have either been misled by hippies or are actually hippies. Ultimate can be great fun, as long as no one bitches at me for taking an extra step after I make a catch and then throw an awesome pass. Hey man, chill. Go smoke a doob. It's just a game, right?

Tonight, after filling a frisbee with beer and then drinking it, I'm very impressed with frisbee folks who have done that. I never would have guessed that it could hold almost four beers.

Ultimately (pun definitely intended), keep smokin'. And just keep livin'. L-I-V-I-N.

Huckabees Clip, part II

As a follow-up to Luke's previous post, I thought I'd throw this up. It's a pretty funny re-enactment of that scene with Lily Tomlin and David O. Russell. You may recognize Paul Rudd, who played Brian "60 percent of the time, it works every time" Fantana" in Anchorman. The other guy is Michael Showalter from Wet Hot American Summer, a fantastic movie made by the guys who did The State.

Friday Classic Video: How Not to Breakdance

Make sure you have your sound turned on and your cringing muscles ready.

Cookies? Fudge Bars?

Congrats, Lilah, from all of us at wheeeeeeeeere's luke?, and from the entire Teaneck clan.

Irresponsible Drinking

Chris' post about Andre the Giant, as well as his prediction that he could drink 15 beers at Shea during a nine inning game (side note: my sense is that Chris could do this, but not without more difficulty than he might otherwise expect, but I digress) has generated some interesting conversation about, perhaps unsurprisingly, excessive drinking.

I recall a few of our more ridiculous college drinking rituals, and I am curious what other sorts of irresponsible drinking people did in college. A few that stand out for me are as follows:

(Just for the record, none of this is a good idea. If you should stumble upon this site, and then you and your idiot friends at Colby or some other god awful place decide to take a crack at one of these challenges, you are on your own; the publishers of wheeeeeeeere's luke? -- while we wish you well -- don't want to hear from your parents, your girlfriend, or your dean the next day).

1. Hour of Power. The "hour of power" is a 60-minute endeavor in which all participants take a shot of beer per minute for one full hour. As if divinely inspired, four participants require exactly one 30-pack of beer to complete the event (side note: 1.5-oz*60 minutes * 4 people = 360 oz. of beer; 12 oz. * 30 cans of beer = 360 oz. of beer. perfect). Others may recall this event as Century Club (in which the target is 100 shots in 100 minutes as opposed to 60 in 60). Lastly, when I was in college, "Sink the Seniors" was simply a shot of beer per minute until you were disqualified (by either quitting or puking, which resulted in a disqualification). The last man standing was the winner. I recall a guy getting to 240 once when I was a junior; I think I got to about 150 as a senior.

2. Case Race. This was called "Newman's Day" at Bowdoin (side note: the etymology arises out of the urban legend that Paul Newman, addressing a group of college students, once suggested that instead of sitting around listening to him they should be outside drinking a case of beer (side note to the side note: I didn't realize how many people knew it as "Newman's Day" until I poked around on the web while writing this post. Click the link above for the Wikipedia entry)), but I think it is more commonly known as a case race. The point was to drink 24 beers in 12 hours, from noon to midnight. I think we did this senior year, but my attempt was ruined our junior year when Meg broke her ankle while trying to show people what a great ballerina she used to be. I was on beer 23, but I had to take her to the hospital and never got to finish (no, I didn't drive).

3. Lightning Keg. This was arguably among the stupidest drinking challenges ever invented. There were two variations to lightning keg, the competitive and the non-competitive. In the competitive version, two kegs are placed in a room, and two groups of people (typically pledges and members of a fraternity, since there is no other reason ever to engage in this game other than to haze another person) race to finish their keg first. In the competitive version it is not uncommon for the teams to be hopelessly lopsided, as this event is usually part of hazing someone's world, and if it was fair then it wouldn't be fun. In the non-competitive version (perhaps even stupider), you just finish a keg as fast as you can with a few of your friends (no one ever accused drunk college men of being the brightest and most creative segment of the population).

Even though all drinking challenges (and I refrain from using the term "Drinking Games" because Beirut, Asshole, Beer Die, and things of that nature really don't fit in this category (side note: if you don't see the difference, you studied too hard in college and should have had more fun)) are basically centered around drinking as much as you can as fast as you can, I am curious to know what others were out there when people were in college. I think the criteria for a good drinking challenge are:

1. The goal is attainable (i.e. drink 1000 beers in a week is stupid).

2. The challenge takes longer than a game (a few hours, an afternoon, etc.).

3. There is no chance you will die (i.e., I can chug two bottles of vodka and then ski naked across the quad at 3 in the morning is idiotic)

4. Bonus points if it is a recurring challenge (twice a year, at homecoming, etc.)

Thoughts?

The Sock Monster

Found in (or around) washing machines and tumble driers
Thought to be genetically modified , highley evolved organism. Although never actually sighted evidence points to its habits and breediung cycle. A voracious predator the sock monster preys on single socks always leaving behind one of the pair it has captured. Mystery surrounds this behaviour although zoologists surmise this may be an instinctual mechanism for long term survival. Able to cross great distances at speed and unseen there is almost no known method of defense.

- from urbandictionary.com

I must have somewhere around 20 or 30 socks but like maybe 4 matching pairs, it's amazing. Sometimes, I know there is a pair in the dirty laundry I bring down to the basement and then, somehow, there is only one left when I bring it back upstairs.

That damn sock monster! I feel like the Captain Ahab of domestic chores.

Of course, having no shame, I regularly just wear non-matching socks. Now I won't wear a black sock with a very light brown sock, I would say my criteria is that they must be in the same quarter of the color wheel.

If you think about it, for work you really only need black socks, brown socks and (maybe) gray socks.

I need new socks. The next time I go shopping I'm going to buy two or three different kinds of pairs of socks but buy multiple pairs of each.

By doing so, I hope to finally outwit my nemesis once and for all.

Pozzo, Lucky & Andre

Following up on Chris' post about Andre the Giant and his prodigious drinking - Andre the Giant was born Andre Rene' Roussimoff in France.

He got so large that he couldn't ride the school bus anymore and his parents were too poor to afford a car.

Luckily, a kind neighbor helped Mr. The Giant out and regularly drove him to school.

The neighbor? Samuel Beckett - the Irish Nobel Prize winning author of Waiting for Godot fame. Talk about random.

Over-Unders for the 2007 season

I think everyone should pick at least 10 to answer, and at the end of the year, we'll see who has the best percentage:

Mets wins: 94.5
yankees losses: 67.5
Bases stolen by Jose Reyes: 70
Chicks whose virginity is stolen by David Wright: 327
Dudes whose virginity is stolen by Alex Rodriguez: 13.5
Innings Carl Pavano lasts on Opening Day: 4
Barry Bonds' home run total at the end of the season: 755
Mockings of Scott Spiezio on this blog: 18
Rusty trombones given by Derek Jeter: 26.5
GMs named Cashman still employed after yanks miss the playoffs: .5
Beers I consume during Mets vs. Cards on Sunday: 14.5
Guys named Clemens on the yanks by July 31: .5
Starts made before El Duque's right arm slips out of its socket and then completely off of his body: 15.5
Starts made before Carl Pavano is shot while on the mound at yankee Stadium: 6.5
Total games won by the Mets in this year's subway series (reg. season): 3.5
Total games won by the Mets in this year's NLDS: 2.5
Total games won by the Mets in this year's NLCS: 3.5
Total games won by the Mets in this year's World Series: 3.5
Times the Andy Petitte yankeeography is shown on YES: 233
Amount (in liters) of HGH purchased by Ryan Howard: 4.5
Amount (in liters) of HGH purchased by Jason Giambi: 15
Seconds it takes Mets fans to boo the shit out of Guillermo Mota if his first 10 appearances aren't perfect: 3.5
Times Jose Valentin shaves his goddamn mustache the fuck off: .5
Blown saves by Mariano Rivera: 6.5
Saves by Billy Wagner: 40.5
Times Joe Buck is a self-important prick deserving of a lead pipe in the eye socket: 4998
Wins by the Royals: (they still have a team?).5
Times Moises Alou's habit of pissing on his hands is mentioned by Gary Cohen on SNY: 1.5
Times Moises Alou's habit of pissing on his hands is mocked by a liquored-up Keith Hernandez during the later innings of a Mets blowout: 14.5

Top Simpsons Quotes

I was debating with someone the other day whether Seinfeld or Simpsons is the better show. Everyone is entitled to their opinion (and it will soon become obvious that I favor the latter), except that segment of the population that insists that Seinfeld is hilarious and Simpsons is terrible. Who are these people? You can prefer one to the other, but you cannot tell me that Simpsons isn't (a) in the ballpark, and (b) much, much smarter than Seinfeld. By smarter I just mean that they don't rely as heavily on physical comedy or on delivery . . . the actual substance of Simpsons humor is just more . . . well, substantive. The humor on Simpsons is so much more rich, and so much more subtle than it could ever be on Seinfeld. Part of that is due to the fact that they are a cartoon, and can do stuff that wouldn't work on a live action show, part of it is due to personal preference, and whether you enjoy the more esoteric stuff that Simpsons brings to the table, but part of it is just better writing. Hence the purpose of this post, to identify my favorite Simpsons quotes. I've only got three on here for now, so I might add others as they come to me, but these stand out. Most of these require context, and I think I have given enough. I took most of this stuff from snpp.com, the definitive source on the web for all things Simpsons.

1. Episode: My Big Fat Geek Wedding (FABF12)

A despondent Seymour Skinner is trying to win back Edna Krabappel's heart, and Homer is talking to Seymour at Moe's Tavern. Seymour's been trying to talk to Edna from outside through her window. (Kudos, Max, as snpp doesn't have the capsule up).

Homer puts his arm around Seymour and says [paraphrasing] "If there's one thing I'm an expert on, it's winning back a furious woman's heart. I'll stay in the bushes and whisper to you what to say, and you can say it to Edna."

Seymour: "So you'll be my Cyrano?"

Homer: "Hey, if this thing works out, I won't have to."

2. Episode: Mother Simpson (3F06)

Realizing that he has once again spotted a criminal from many years ago (Homer's mom), Burns is meeting with FBI agents to help track her down.

Friday: Are you sure this is the woman you saw in the post office?

Burns: Absolutely! Who could forget such a monstrous visage? She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal.

Smithers: Uh, Sir? Phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago.

Burns: Of course you'd say that...you have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter!

3. Episode: Lisa the Vegetarian (3F03)

At the dinner table, Lisa has decided to become a vegetarian. Homer is stunned.

Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you saying you're *never* going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Ham?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Pork chops?

Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!

Homer: [Chuckles] Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

"Sorry, Inigo, I didn't mean to jog him so hard"

If you were to think back about the time where you threw back your highest total of beers in one sitting, what would it be? If you had to try it now, how high could you get? 20? 30?

Compared to one man, you would be a complete vag.

When it comes to getting a buzz, what does it take for you? Does it approach this answer: “It usually takes two liters of vodka just to make me feel warm inside.”

Who is the King Drinker of All Time?

Andre the Giant. Easily. I direct you to this marvelous article.

Wrestling star. Movie star. Drinking star.

UK OK?

I'm not sure I would mess with the British. I have nothing to back this up, and I know they kind of got bitched a little bit in WWII with all the bombing and what not, but I really think Iran's seizure of 15 British sailors who were allegedly in Iranian waters (a claim the Brits dispute) could end very badly for them.

Can't you just see like four or five stodgy old British military guys in basement near Downing St., sipping tea, and just muttering "right, cheerio then, suppose we'll have to nuke them; terrible nuisance, this." I can.

Related thought . . . if these guys had done this to Americans (i.e., taken them hostage on what appear to be trumped up charges of trespass), I think a lot of people (myself included) would support a pretty viscious response. Iran ought to be careful here, because as of today the American people have zero appetite for another fight; but this kind of pointless, aggressive stuff strikes me as foolish, as it is really the only way to get people rallied against them.

I Don't Want To Hear About Non-Essential Organs

What is this ridiculousness about non-essential organs? How is it that they can take an organ from your body and then you just go about your business? That motherfucker is there for a purpose. You want to remove my spleen? Hell to the no. I need my spleen. What's going to do the spleening if you take away my spleen? (Lucy, you got some spleening to do.) You want my gall bladder? Hell to the hell to the hell to the no. I need a bladder for all that gall I've built up. Where else am I gonna keep it? It's like, damn, I know I don't necessarily *need* the cup holder in my car to get from place to place, but shit, I need that cup holder.

Seriously though. The spleen serves a purpose. It filters stuff out of the blood and helps to fight infections. How does your blood get filtered if you don't have a spleen? Your gall bladder also serves a function. It stores the bile that your liver produces until you eat something. Then it shoots the bile in there and aids in digestion. How does that happen if you don't have one? How can these organs be non-essential.

I'm not talking appendix here. That thing literally does nothing and is just in the way. Interesting side note, smaller mammals like rabbits and such actually still have functioning appendices that help to digest cellulose. So it's just a vestige of back when we were herbivores. And humans can't digest cellulose, so the appendix clearly does nothing. So now it's useless, suck on that shit vegans. (This last sentence was unnecessary, except that we agreed this was a vegan bashing blog.)

TANK TOPS SIGHTED ON BROADWAY!!!

73 degrees.

March 27.

I know this is just a tease, but spring and summer are a-comin'!

Here are some more girls who are very intelligent with great personalities, and happen to be wearing the official uniform for chicks in New York during summer: tank tops.

No, Ms. Ngo, I Don't Know The Answer

The title was a wiseass answer from a kid in Teaneck to a teacher, Ms. Ngo. (Another popular way to make fun of her was to say something like "Hey, Ms. [clap] [clap] N-G-O".)

Bonus points for anyone that confirm that kid....I think it may have been Jesse Atlas.

In any case, remember what it was like to be taking a math test and just have no idea of what the answer was? I do, all to well.

You can either take a zero, guess 'c', or be a total wiseass.

These kids went with the third option:

This Blog Has Flown

The Beatles "Norwegian Wood", composed by John Lennon, is an acoustic, nice, eminently hummable song. It's got a nice easygoing folky thing goingas well as a distinct sound due to George Harrison's playing the sitar.

But ah, non-web-surfing-Beatlephiles - there's a bit more going on.

In actuality, the song is a little darker. In it, John, goes to some woman's house to sleep with her, they stay up late in her flat (Norwegian wood at the time was apparently a popular but cheap way to decorate one's house - I suppose the equivalent of Ikea furniture) but at the end of the night she isn't going to give him any play and John is forced to sleep in the bathtub. He then wakes up in the morning pissed off about getting played, and burns her apartment down.

I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me...
She showed me her room, isn't it good, norwegian wood?

She asked me to stay and she told me to sit anywhere,
So I looked around and I noticed there wasn't a chair.

I sat on a rug, biding my time, drinking her wine
We talked until two and then she said, "It's time for bed"

She told me she worked in the morning and started to laugh.
I told her I didn't and crawled off to sleep in the bath

And when I awoke, I was alone, this bird had flown
So I lit a fire, isn't it good, norwegian wood.

Sir Paul had this to say, "It was a little parody, really, on those kind of girls who, when you'd get back to their flat, there would be a lot of Norwegian wood. It was completely imaginary from my point of view, but not from John's. It was based on an affair he had. She made him sleep in the bath and then, finally, in the last verse, I had this idea to set the Norwegian wood on fire as a revenge. She led him on and said, "You'd better sleep in the bath." And in our world, that meant the guy having some sort of revenge, so it meant burning the place down...."

No one makes misogyny sound quite as pretty as John Lennon.

There's also some trivia about this song you didn't know. At this point in his career John was very influenced by Bob Dylan, his songs often have a Dylanesque sound. Bobby D apparently had had enough of this similarity and actually wrote a song that appears on his album "Blonde on Blonde" called "4th Time Around". If you listen to it the melody is almost exactly the same as "Norwegian Wood". There seems to be some speculation as to whether it was a playful 'homage' or Dylan's way of saying, "get off my shoes, bitch". In the last lineof the song, however, he seems to be saying, I don't steal your shit so don't steal mine.

When she said,
"Don't waste your words, they're just lies,"
I cried she was deaf.
And she worked on my face until breaking my eyes,
Then said, "What else you got left?"
It was then that I got up to leave
But she said, "Don't forget,
Everybody must give something back
For something they get."

I stood there and hummed,
I tapped on her drum and asked her how come.
And she buttoned her boot,
And straightened her suit,
Then she said, "Don't get cute."
So I forced my hands in my pockets
And felt with my thumbs,
And gallantly handed her
My very last piece of gum.

She threw me outside,
I stood in the dirt where ev'ryone walked.
And after finding I'd
Forgotten my shirt,
I went back and knocked.
I waited in the hallway, she went to get it,
And I tried to make sense
Out of that picture of you in your wheelchair
That leaned up against . . .

Her Jamaican rum
And when she did come, I asked her for some.
She said, "No, dear."
I said, "Your words aren't clear,
You'd better spit out your gum."
She screamed till her face got so red
Then she fell on the floor,
And I covered her up and then
Thought I'd go look through her drawer.

And, when I was through
I filled up my shoe
And brought it to you.
And you, you took me in,
You loved me then
You didn't waste time.
And I, I never took much,
I never asked for your crutch.
Now don't ask for mine.

Lennon and Dylan seemed to have shared a mutual admiration as well as equally large egos, in this pretty rare video you can see them hanging out (Dylan is smashed) in the back of a car and, I think, it kind of shows the interesting dynamic between the two.

Adios

Yo, Alberto Gonzalez is going down. Stick a fork in him. Write it down, take a picture, I don't give a fuck.

These nine federal prosecutors being fired, as handled by Dubya, has got to be one of the worst-managed scandals of all time.

A President can fire any one of the 93 federal prosecutors whenever he or she wants. They serve at the President's "pleasure". I also feel like the President or Executive Branch should be able to place more emphasis on certain - crimes to a point - than others may - like one may be very a bit more or aggressive in prosecuting, say, drugs or illegal immigration or whatever.

So when this story first began, I really didn't pay much attention to it and I don't think I totally even understand it right now. When the story first broke, it was like, "Oh whatever, some people got fired". I figured, well they can do that...but then came the explanations. Had they just said their usual - "fuck you, because we can" this thing may not have had legs.

But then the Bush Administration said they didn't know or do anything about it. OK, maybe Harriet Myers did but Gonzalez didn't, then he knew but wasn't involved, then - oh yea - he was in a meeting for an hour about it. I guess it's depends on what the meaning of "involved" is. Hmmmm.

Oh yea, his Deputy resigned, a staff member is pleeing the fifth....and did I mention Karl Rove may have been involved? Good times.

If you've been alive and remotely awake the last six-plus years, probably can see something smells funny. My shoes are on as I write this, so it's not me.

What evidently happened is that these people were fired (or at least a few of them) because they did or didn't prosecute certain cases or groups of cases that affected close races. Did you prosecute 'Duke' Cunningham or Tom Delay? Did you not go after voter registration fraud claims that you didn't think were credible? Yeah, you're probably not going to make it to the 2007 Justice Department Christmas Party. What's that, the FBI didn't think you should have prosecuted the voter fraud case? Tough shit, kid.

While I am comfortable giving the Administration some leeway in this area, I am definitely not comfortable with them leveraging US attorneys to sway close political races.

Flag on the play - Bush Adminstration - Illegal motion - that'll be one Attorney General and that last bit of credibility you had.

First Down!

Weekend Sports Recap

So here are the things that happened in sports this weekend that I care about (and therefore you should care about):

1. Hoya Saxa!!! Far and away the biggest news of the weekend was the stunning come from behind victory posted by Georgetown over the still-shaking-their-heads UNC Tarheels. UNC missed something on the order of 17 of their last 18 shots in regulation, and then scored basically no points in overtime (they didn't score any until the game was out of reach)

The three pointer hit by Georgetown's John Wallace at the end of regulation is an instant NCAA tournament classic. GTown was my pick to win the tourney, and given my miserable performance in both pools to date, it would be nice at least to say that I picked the winner.

(side note: to add injury to insult for snake-bitten UNC, the team mascot, played by 21 year-old senior Jason Ray, died today from injuries sustained when he was hit by a car in Fort Lee over the weekend. I know nothing about this other than what I have read on a few random news sites, but it seems like an absolute tragedy and a freak accident).

2. Mike Pelfrey. The Mets named highly-touted prospect Mike Pelfrey as the number 5 starter, setting their rotation for the year (Glavine, El Duque, John Maine, and Oliver Perez at 1-4). This hardly comes off as a particularly formidable rotation, but all five have looked very good in spring training, and Pedro might be able to give us a few quality starts down the stretch. The bigger concern is that but for a few bright spots (Lastings Milledge and Jose Reyes most noticeably) the Mets have looked anemic on offense, with THREE of the projected starting eight batting under .200 for the spring (Paul LoDuca, Shawn Green, and newcomer Moises Alou). The offense should be fine, and if Milledege steals the spot from Green on merit then all the better, but it would be great to bang out a few 10+ games in St. Louis just to silence the whispers.

3. Theismann Sacked Again (but not as badly as the first time). ESPN is reporting that Joe Theismann is out as part of the triad calling Monday Night Football games . . . . Mike Tirico and Tony Kornheiser will be joined this year by ESPN analyst Ron Jaworski.

Umm . . . . what? I feel like I came down on Christmas morning, unwrapped the biggest present, and it was my old bike that I really didn't like that much with a new coat of paint on it.

Theismann is terrible, yes, and it was time for the last remnants of that Sunday Night Football crew to go (Paul Maguire and Mike Patrick were awful, too, and perhaps even worse), but Jaworski? Come on. This guy has made a career on ESPN talking about how the Saints are really tailored to play a nickel defense, and the Eagles dime will give them trouble (side note: it is ALWAYS about the Eagles with Jaworski). Besides, at least with Theismann we got to listen to Tony Kornheiser just murder him for the entire broadcast for all the ridiculous things he says (TK (incredulous after Theismann screams about what a great job the Bears are doing on offense): "Joe, you just said they were doing a lousy job thirty seconds ago!!" JT (defeated): "well, that was before." Priceless).

Kornheiser needs a patsy to be funny. It isn't Tirico, who has Pat Summerall greatness written all over him (just you wait), and Jaws isn't dumb enough to be the patsy. So instead of the combo of: solid sportscaster who will do the straight stuff, comedian and fall guy; now you've got: the straight guy, a comedian with no one to make fun of, and a washed up QB who knows too much about football to be laughed at, too little about football to be interesting, and just enough about football to be boring. Ugh.

Didn't See Huckabees but I Heart This Clip

I didn't see the movie and after reading about it I'm not sure I even want to.
Apparently the movie is about some environmentalist that strikes a deal with a department store (Huckabees) to sponsor him in his environmentalizing, he soon goes farther than they bargained for and is planting trees in the middle of their parking lots and whatnot. Lilly Tomlin and Dustin Hoffman play existential detectives for some reason. Also, Jude Law, Marky Mark and Naomi Watts are in it.
Now, what all of that means I'm not really sure but apparently Lilly Tomlin and the director - David O. Russell did not get along very well.

The Perfect Song

An idea came into my head recently and I don't think I've really worked in through to its conclusion, but I'll put it out there anyway. I was trying to decide if there was a perfect song. Or maybe there's even more than one perfect song. I guess the problem is in the criteria, given that music taste is almost entirely subjective. I mean, someone bought all those Iron Maiden albums, and I know it wasn't me.

I don't know what constitutes the perfect song, but like Justice Potter Stewart said about pornography, "I know it when I see it". (Yeah, I cheated. I had to look up the name of the justice in order to quote him.) But I think a perfect song should be concise, have a nice melody, and say what it's trying to say. I think there's a big difference between a great song and what one would call a perfect song. And a song need not be perfect in order to be great or fantastic or one of the best ever, or even your favorite song.

So far I've come up with one perfect song, "Yesterday" by the Beatles. It is just 2 minutes and 5 seconds of perfection. It's concise, it's eternally hummable, it's message is entirely clear, yet open to analysis. If you're into this sort of thing, it's relatively easy to play a passable version of it on the guitar. It is, simply put, a flawless song.

Without actually coming to the same conclusion, the rest of the world seems to agree with me. First off, the song is one of the 3 or 4 most played in radio history, totaling 7 million plays in the 20th century. (Incidentally, check out the list of most played songs. The one that kindof surprises me is "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. All of those other songs are from the 60s and 70s. The Police made the list even after giving the other guys a 20 year head start. "Every Breath You Take", by the way, though phenonmenal, is not a perfect song because of the misconception in its meaning. Sting meant it to be a stalkery kind of obsessive thing, and he was really surprised when people started using it as their wedding songs. Sorry about that long side note. Back to the point.) So yeah, it has been played on the radio more than almost any other song. It's also the most covered song in history with over 3,000 recorded covers. Three thousand covers is a hell of a lot. Obviously this is a song that strikes a chord with a lot of people.

Now I'm only arguing for the McCartney version of the song as perfection. The other mutations are inferior. Two examples are a capella versions by both En Vogue and Boys II Men. Both are interesting and still very good, but lack something. Even though they're both a capella, and seemingly stripped down, both are really overwrought with harmony and added melodrama. The McCartney version just lays it out there. I mean, it's just beautiful.

I'm afraid I don't have any concrete evidence, nor have I really argued my point very well. Well, actually I did provide some evidence, but still I don't know if I made the point. I just really feel that this is the case.

I tried to think if there were other perfect songs and searched in maybe some too obvious places. I thought of the Beatles, and they've got some other great ones, but maybe not perfect.

Led Zeppelin has some stunning songs, but I think they err on the epic side of perfection a lot. "Fool In The Rain", for example, is my favorite Zeppelin song, but that part in in the middle where it turns into a fiesta is really arbitrary and doesn't detract from the song at all, but somehow makes it imperfect. "Stairway To Heaven" is very good, but so out of the ordinary as songs go in terms of length and structure. There's no chorus and the lyrics are kindof nonsensical. And you may call me a blasphemer, but I think "Stairway" is overrated. It's not even one of my top 5 favorite Zeppelin songs. Let me take a step back from that statement. It's overrated in the way a billion dollars is overrated by Bill Gates. "Stairway" is fucking fantastic relative to all music as a whole, but in the Zeppelin subset it falls short for me. "That's The Way" is damn near close to perfect for me, but I am a little upset by the fact that you have to retune your guitar if you want to play it. Otherwise it would be so easy. And how many Zeppelin songs are easy to play on the guitar? Very few is the answer. This is a long side note, but I think guitar playability is what makes "Stairway" so popular. Jimmy Page is a fucking maestro on the guitar and most of their songs are near impossible to play for novice guitarists. "Stairway" is relatively easy and sounds good once you get it down.

I thought about "Baba O'Reilly" by The Who, but Kathy thinks the beginning part is weird and actually doesn't like the song, so I guess it's not perfect. "Brown Eyed Girl" might be a candidate. I can't really think of anything that takes away from it. That's the best I've come up with so far. Any thoughts on other perfect songs? Or on why you think "Yesterday" is or isn't?

A Conversation Between George Bush 2007 and George Bush 1977

GB07: Oh man.

GB77: (burps) What is it?

GB07: I’m worried about Iraq.

GB77: (rubs his nose) What's an eye rack?

GB07: What?

GB77: (does a shot) You said you were worried about your eye rack.

GB07: No, the country. I-raq.

GB77: Oh. (bumps a line) Don’t sweat it.

GB07: And now those heathen Democrats want me to fire Berty-Gonz.

GB77: (dials a phone number) Hang on.

GB07: What’re you doing?

GB77: Ordering us some hookers. You look like you could use one.

GB07: 77, I’m married now!

GB77: To that Laura chick? She's kinda homely, but I guess she does do that Sexy Librarian thing…

GB07: I can’t have any hookers in here! It’s the Oval Office!

GB77: Oh man, that’s perfect! We could be the first to score in here!

GB07: Well, actually, the last guy—

GB77: Shut up! They picked up. (into phone) Hey Betty, it’s the Dub Man. How’s it going?... Chillin', chillin', just hangin' with a couple lines and my future self… Yeah, I get to be the Pres!... Anyway, are Heather and Bambi around?... What about Candy and Sapphire?... Hm. Carmen and Angel? All right, they’ll do… Thanks, Betty!

GB07: 77! I can’t believe you would do that to me!

(George Bush 1977 SLAPS 2007 across the face.)

GB77: Get your shit together you dripping pussy!

GB07: (starts to cry) But I… But I…

GB77: There, there.

(George Bush 2007 puts his head on 1977’s shoulder and sobs.)

GB07: I couldn’t get rid of Social Security! And the… (sobs)… and the last election? I got my butt kicked! They wouldn’t even let me put Harriet on the Supreme Court!

GB77: You hang out with chicks named Harriet now?

GB07: Oh never mind, you wouldn’t understand!

GB77: Maybe not, but you know who would?

GB07: Who?

GB77: Mr. Daniel’s. Mr. Jack Daniel’s.

GB07: No, I… I can’t. I haven’t had a drink since I turned 40.

GB77: WHAT? WHY THE FUCK NOT?

GB07: Because of Jesus.

GB77: Jesus drank his ass off! When they ran out, He just made more wine appear! When He wanted His buddies to drink His blood, He just made them do wine shots!

GB07: But I almost lost my marriage ’cause I was so drunk all the time.

GB77: FUCK your marriage. What else has not drinking done for you?

GB07: I did get to be president.

GB77: Yeah, and how's that workin' out for ya?

GB07: ...

GB77: Exactly. You started hangin' with that teetotaller Wolfowitz and managed to fuck everything up, didn't you.

GB07: I guess.

GB77: Back in the day, when things went sour, what would you do?

GB07: I… I would…

GB77: Come on, say it.

GB07: I would drink.

GB77: You would drink your face off! And then we’d stay up all night bangin’ sluts and doing lines out of dead hookers’ ass cracks! And while you were doing that, were you worried about all your problems?

GB07: N… no.

GB77: That’s right. You wanna know how to succeed in Iraq? The answer’s right here at the bottom of this bottle.

GB07: I don’t think I should. It’s been like 20 years.

GB77: Look, you’re out of office in a few weeks, right?

GB07: Almost two more years, actually.

GB77: Whatever. Just try one little shot and see what you think.

GB07: Just one? That’s all, right?

GB77: Just one.

(They each toss back a shot.)

GB77: That’s the stuff, right!

GB07: Wow. I feel…weird. It’s like…

GB77: I know what you’re thinking. Let’s put on some Skynryd.

GB07: Okay. Can I have another?

GB77: Most def!

(1977 puts on “Sweet Home Alabama” and 2007 pours two more shots.)

GB07: We should get Karl in here.

GB77: Yeah, and Condi too. I wanna see if those legs go all the way up, know what I’m sayin’? NAKED PARTY!

GB07: Oh yeah! Up high!

(They exchange a high five.)

GB77: What’s that thing scratched onto the desk?

GB07: I don’t know. I never noticed it.

GB77: What’s it say?

GB07: It says, ‘For a good time, hit 69 on speed-dial. Ask for Monica.’

GB77: I like the sound of that!

GB07: You call!

GB77: No, you call!

GB07: No, you call!

GB77: I got an idea. Let’s chug a beer. Whoever loses makes the call.

GB07: Deal.

They each chug. By the end of the evening, U.S. troops are withdrawing from Iraq, the Israelis and the Palestinians reach a final peace accord, and all Americans have health care.

Tony LaRussa drinks appletinis

I know I'm a few days late on this, but Tony LaRussa got a DUI the other day. He was found asleep at the wheel at a stoplight. His blood alcohol level was 0.093.

0.093.

Are you kidding? I think your BAL is higher after you finish communion.

And this made him pass out? In his car? At a light?

I'm going to take this as a judgment on the Cardinals shitty team as a whole. I hear they're removing all urinals from their locker room too. And they'll be showing Sixteen Candles prior to every game. And Albert Pujols just bought David Eckstein a gorgeous new pair of pumps.

And hey Scott Spiezio--go easy on the wine spritzers after the game, okay? The Cards need your big bat. And your milky white, super-soft skin.

Friday Classic Video: Old Lady Punches Another Old Lady

Just in time for summer . . . flip flops.

I am honestly torn over whether President Bush is right or wrong to resist a subpoena from Congress to have his aides testify under oath (side note: for a surprisingly cordial, surprisingly intellectual discussion as to why, check out John Bolton debating Jon Stewart on the Daily Show this week), but it is laughable how easily our elected officials and their appointees change their minds on this issue. As you might recall, President Clinton faced a similar (though not identical) challenge to executive privilege while he was in office. Here is what our fearless leaders had to say about it then:

• Trent Lott (R-MS): "Meanwhile, Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-Miss.) said Clinton should stop the fight over executive privilege. 'I think he should give up that contest," Lott told reporters Monday. "And I think he should be forthcoming. He should give us more information, not less.'"
  
  
• Tony Snow (White House Press Secretary): "Evidently, Mr. Clinton wants to shield virtually any communications that take place within the White House compound on the theory that all such talk contributes in some way, shape or form to the continuing success and harmony of an administration. Taken to its logical extreme, that position would make it impossible for citizens to hold a chief executive accountable for anything. He would have a constitutional right to cover up. Chances are that the courts will hurl such a claim out, but it will take time. One gets the impression that Team Clinton values its survival more than most people want justice and thus will delay without qualm. But as the clock ticks, the public’s faith in Mr. Clinton will ebb away for a simple reason: Most of us want no part of a president who is cynical enough to use the majesty of his office to evade the one thing he is sworn to uphold — the rule of law." (Not sure who unearthed this first, but the folks at thinkprogress.com credit Glen Greenwald at salon.com).

(side note: In case his guest appearances on Limbaugh and frequent substitutions for O'Reilly on The Factor weren't enough to make you 100% certain that this guy is white, they named him "Snow" just to remove all doubt).

• Patrick Leahy (D-VT): (In the context of the a related executive privilege question during Clinton era) "Most importantly, compelling compliance with a congressional subpoena in this context would be difficult. The civil contempt mechanism normally available to Congress, see 28 U.S.C. § 1365, specifically exempts subpoenas to the executive branch. The criminal contempt mechanism, see 2 U.S.C. § 192, which punishes as a misdemeanor a refusal to testify or produce documents to Congress, requires a referral to the Justice Department, which is not likely to pursue compliance in the likely event that the President asserts executive privilege in response to the request for certain documents or testimony. Thus, the only legal way to enforce this subpoena would be to hold a witness in contempt using its “inherent contempt authority,” but this would require a contempt trial on the floor of the Senate. Not many of us relished our role as jurors during the impeachment trial and are not anxious to reprise that role."

. . . . scary . . . .

Regardless of where I ultimately fall on this (and I am leaning towards favoring the enforceability of the subpoenas), I hope it goes up to the Supreme Court. Either the Democrats win (great success!), or we lose and the Democratic president has the benefit of a great precedent on executive privilege for the next four or eight years.

Finally, the Family Circus done right

This made me laugh so hard I tore my esophagus. God, how I hate the Family Circus. There's nothing "funny" about this "comic." This is a completely retarded family. If American families resembled these complete morons, let's just say there's no way we could have innovated things like the Internet, or the car, or bottled water, or the wheel (yes, America did invent the wheel).

And that "Not Me" ghost that always "hysterically" shows up whenever that little inbred PJ breaks a vase or something? How about "Not Funny. Ever." Or "Not Hetero."

For some other great variations on the Family Circus, go here:

Kissing Suzy Kolber: this is a great sports blog focused on the NFL, and their personal renditions of the Family Circus reflect that. (The title of this post is a great quote. 10 points if you can tell me what movie it's from.)

Dysfunctional Family Circus: this is the mother lode of Family Circus mockery. Very funny stuff.

Okay, thanks for reading, and you can buy me a beer anytime.

Houston Texans, What The Hell Is Wrong With You Guys?

Last year the Houston Texans had the #1 overall draft pick and could have picked anyone they wanted to. Their choice, Mario Williams, a defensive end who they think will be a pass rusher like Jevon Kearse or Michael Strahan. This guy was probably the best defensive end available, but hardly even close to the best possible pick. Defensive end is a relatively unimportant position, especially for the Texans who needed help at literally every position. Before the draft they gave a vote of confidence to David Carr by signing him to a contract extension and basically guaranteeing that they wouldn't choose a quarterback with the first pick.

Given that then they had two logical choices in last year's draft: Reggie Bush or D'Brickashaw Ferguson. Reggie Bush is the most versatile running back since Marshall Faulk and has game changing ability. D'Brickashaw Ferguson is an offensive tackle, and a left tackle at that. The recent wisdom in football is that the left tackle is the second most important position behind quarterback because he protects the QB's blind side on the pass rush. The average salary for starting left tackles is only below the average salary for starting QBs, which tells you how important the position is. Given that they had just signed David Carr to an extension, and that he is the QB who has taken the most sacks of any other QB in every season he's been in the league, they should have drafted someone to protect him. Instead they drafted Mario Williams, who is a good player, but clearly did not deserve to be the #1 overall pick ahead of guys like Bush, Ferguson, Vince Young, Matt Leinart, and Jay Cutler, among others who were chosen in the first round.

Today, the Texans made that already very bad decision into one of the worst decisions in football history by trading for Matt Schaub, Michael Vick's backup in Atlanta, and promptly naming him the starter. If the Texans decided to stick with Carr, then they should have done that. He is a good QB with a dreadful offensive line and not many other weapons. Matt Schaub is essentially a carbon copy of Carr and will have similar success with the club. This is essentially a lateral move. If they weren't going to stick with Carr, then last year's draft was a disaster because they clearly now in retrospect should have chosen Vince Young with the #1 pick.

I will not use much space to describe how amazing of a player Vince Young is, except to say that he reminds me of John Elway, but faster, and of Randall Cunningham, but bigger. He's obviously not reached John Elway status yet, but in his first year in the league he singlehandedly led his team to victory at least 4 times, including once against the Giants that I'd like to forget (as would Matthias Kiwanuka) and once against the Texans themselves in overtime with a 35 yard touchdown run.

Vince Young is from Houston. He went to college at the University of Texas where he led that team to a national championship. He is beloved in Texas and would have been a perfect pick for the Texans in any scenario, even over Reggie Bush, who might end up being a better player. Even if Vince Young didn't end up being a good pro QB, which was nearly an impossibility, no one would have ever questioned the Texans choosing Young first overall. Instead they chose to stay with David Carr, and today they chose to throw that all out the window.

I know it's not your fault at all, but good luck trying to ever live this down, Mario Williams. I hope you don't end up being the Sam Bowie of the NFL, but something tells me you will.

It's Getting Hot In Herrrre . . . (I am getting so hot)

Is it really that far fetched to believe that global warming is ultimately going to bring about the extinction of humanity? It is so easy to just dismiss an idea of such magnitude and catastrophe, but if this were a Robert Zemeckis summer blockbuster about how the world was going to end, we would be about 15 minutes in to the film. After Al Gore's speech on Capitol Hill, the screen would go dark, and cut to a picture of some really desolate, desert area, and a caption at the bottom of the screen would come up that reads "New York City --- 50 years later." (side note: the film would almost certainly be called "Hazy, Hot, and Dead," and it would star Christian Bale as the hero who flies to the sun to drop an iceberg on it and save the world. Ving Rhames would also have a decent-sized part). Seriously, though, there is no reason to believe that this problem will get better given the fact that (a) our own country refuses to do much about it, and (b) the rest of the industrialized world, making up about 1/3 of the world's population (I'm looking at you, China and India) have basically said they can't or won't do anything about it. Yikes.

(Hey Al, here's another inconvenient truth: hypercolor went out a while ago. Nice shirt. Can't believe there were people not taking you seriously up on the Hill).

And by the way, while Holocaust deniers are still the worst, and they probably always will be, people who say that global warming is a "hoax" are gaining on them rapidly. (side note: just look at how Subway overtook McDonald's; I mean, that seemed unfathomable 10 years ago, but here were are. You can't stay on top forever).

Play Ball!

So this is my first post to our group blog. The blog was formed as a sort of news magazine type concept, where each of us will focus on a particular area of interest (with the occasional digression). I'm doing sports, and will attempt to write a "sports guy" type thing that is different enough so people don't say, "I guess he's kind of like the sports guy, but not nearly as funny and definitely doesn't know as much about sports."

I think that at times I may write about somewhat more narrow and perhaps mundane topics (e.g., complaining the morning after a particularly bad Mets' loss, or typing "I told you so" 150 times when Eli goes 28-34 for 400 yds and 5 touchdowns on Monday Night Football (coming sooner than you think), and things like that), but given that the MLB season is right around the corner, I thought I would try out a few prognostications. I promise to re-post in October to check out my stats.

Five Things That Will Happen Even Though I Don't Want Them To:

1. The Mets Will Make The Playoffs, And Not Win The World Series. You can't deny it. This team is built to win for a long season, and lose in a short series. The offense is terrifying to any opponent -- especially in a division with only a handful of other bona fide superstars (see number 4, below) -- and can put up five runs in the blink of an eye. But the offense is also not as young as everyone wants you to believe (Delgado at first, Lo Duca behind the plate (and el Padre de Tiempo backing him up), Alou and Green in the corners), and these guys will naturally slow down towards the end of the year. Worse than that, though, the only proven pitching is geriatric, and the Mike Pelfrey's of the world haven't really shown us anything yet (side note: he looked really good against Baltimore tonight; hope springs eternal). Remeber the playoffs last year? "Glavine, Maine and pray for rain." Cute. Omar better pull a rabbit out of his hat before the trade deadline, or we're going to be saying it again this year. And it won't be as cute. The next person who tells me that Oliver Perez might ever be good again is getting punched -- you've been warned. Chan Ho Park? Stop it. Unless he is buying the naming rights to the new stadium, I don't want to hear Chan Ho Park and the Mets in the same sentence.

What are we going to do when we are spot-starting Scott Erickson in game 3 against the Astros? Exactly.

2. El Duque's Leg Will Fall Off In A Pre-Game Warm Up. Further to the above, the pitching this year is scaring the hell out of me. As someone wrote on metsblog.com the other day (great stuff for die hards, by the way), "El Duque will be fine as long as he doesn't have to run to first, field his position, or ever walk from the clubhouse to the dugout. Oh sh*t."

3. The Mets Will Decide That Victor Zambrano "Has Totally Turned It Around." If you are a Mets fan, see the response to number 5, below. Otherwise, you don't care about this at all except to the extent that you can point it out to me and make me puke.

4. Ryan Howard Will Hit 138 Home Runs (Half Of Which Will Be Off Billy Wagner In the Ninth Inning of A Game I Am Attending). Howard is amazing. While he is very high on the "This Guy Totally Has Kevin Maas Written All Over Him" meter, I think he is the real thing, and he has been doing it long enough (over a year) to shush the Maas talk into a whisper. The New York Times did a great profile on him, his family, and his approach to the game, and it sucked because all I want is to hate this guy, and you just can't. By all accounts he is a great guy, has never touched the performance enhancement stuff (side note: the subject of a separate post will be the witch hunt in baseball re: steroids, and the fact that you are either clean or not based on whether Mike Francesa has ever said (in that fat, doughy whisper of his): "we can never know, but no way this guy's not juicin', dawg." Puke. (side note to the side note: the post after that will be about how quickly making fun of Mike and The Mad Dog went from funny to cliche to just lame)), and can hit the ball 850 feet. Scares me to death when the Mets are facing him in a tough situation. Hey Willie . . . get those four fingers out of your pocket right now.

5. Barry Bonds Will Break Hank Aaron's Legendary Home Run Record. "Wait a minute," you're thinking, "this one isn't really as funny as the others. It's just sad, true and kind of a bummer." Yep.

(Impossible to entirely hate Phillies fans by the way . . . the above gets a 9.2 on the creative-enough-to-make-other-smart-drunk-guys-laugh-at-pro-sporting-events scale).

Five Things That Will Not Happen Even Though I Want Them To:

6. The Yankees Will Not Miss The Playoffs. Just deal with it.

7. Dice-K Will Not Win 30 Games And Throw Six No-Hitters Against The Yankees. (He may engage in some sort of dragon-themed battle with Hideki Matsui, in which the movement of their lips does not correspond with the words they are speaking, which would be cool, but I digress). First, Dice-K? Come on. Let's be a little more creative. Even the hot dog guy has cooler nicknames than that. (side note: how long before some enterprising 14 year-old Yankee fan unfurls a banner at Yankee Stadium that reads "Dai-SUCK-e Matsuzaka"? Clever). I know he comes highly touted, but the excitement about him rewriting the dynamic between the Sox and the Yanks for the next five years is just irresponsible journalism borne of the fact that there is nothing to write about in Spring Training. This guy will be good, yes, but to quote the Wolf in Pulp Fiction . . . .

And speaking of irresponsible journalism . . .

8. Bob Klapisch Will Not Be Fired. This guy is the most irresponsible, band wagon writer in the New York media. I understand that they all go with the flow, and flip around a bit to suit their columns to fit current events, but this guys goes too far. When the Mets lose two in a row he wants Willie fired, when they then proceed to win a game or two he is using words like "Cooperstown" and "dynasty." Despite all this, he seems to be getting more play lately (ESPN.com, for example), rather than less. Beat it Bob.

9. SNY Will Continue To Broadcast Road Mets Games In Lo Def Even In The Ballpark Of A Team That Plays In Hi Def. Ok, so this one needs a little explanation, but if you are (a) a big sports fan, and (b) the proud owner of an HDTV, then I KNOW you are with me here. Scenario: Mets playing a road series in say, San Diego. You know for a fact that Padres home games are broadcast in high definition in the San Diego area, so you can conclude that they have hi def cameras and what not in the stadium at the time the game is being played. Despite all this, the game you are watching on SNY is in the lowest of lo def of all time . . . David Wright looks about as well defined as Sir Graham pulling the dagger out from under the rock on a CGA monitor (side note: give yourself five points if you picked up on the Sir Graham reference ("push rock" -- that sh*t never got old)).

("Wright stands in against Wells . . . the count is 2-2")

10. Barry Bonds Will Not Go Away. Remember that girl you hooked up with freshman year in college? You felt weird about it within weeks, because something was just off, and it only got worse, because you realized sophomore year that no one likes her, she's kind of ugly, and kind of a bitch. A few years later she is sitting next to you at graduation, your mom is talking to her mom, and they both want to know if the two of you have met.

Watching Chris Berman call Barry Bonds' record-breaking home run shot on a Tuesday night in August against the Nationals is going to be much more awkward.

Chew On This Shit, Vegans

I was watching a documentary on early humans on the Discovery HD channel. The Discovery channel is cool, but the Discovery Channel in High Definition is amazing. Especially the underwater shows. Blue Realm, Into The Deep, I think those are titles of shows on the Discovery Channel about diving and the ocean and crap.

Anyway, here's my point. Throughout history there have been roughly 20 species of hominids, all of which have died out except for one, homo sapiens. At some point our great grandfathers or something were little ape men with hairy butts and abnormally large brains. Then we evolved into the brilliant species that rules the world today and does smart shit like making sweaters for dogs and creating West Virginia. The other species of humans were essentially herbivores and survived by eating grass or wheat germ or some such thing, and homo sapiens evolved eventually into an omnivore, and more importantly, a carnivore. The consensus that this particular documentary reached was that the reason humans became the world's dominant species and evolved such enormous brains capable or reasoning nad abstract thought and writing poetry is because they became carnivores.

Hunting for lettuce isn't all that complicated, but in the winter you're fucked. Hunting for pigs or cows or whatever those dudes ate is much more complex, especially for a relatively wimpy animal with small teeth, poor vision, a terrible sense of smell, and poor running skills. The fact that they had to figure out how to catch and eat meat is what allowed the human brain to evolve into what it is today.

So, vegetarians, you are selling out on your species. Are you too good for your species? I want you all to go out to dinner tonight, have a steak, and think about how goddamned smart you are.

Classic Pics: Neil dancing

BPG's pops. Description not necessary.

Things I Like and Hate

This being quite a young blog at the moment, I figured I'd make lists of Things I Like and Things I Hate, to help our darling readers get to know their Open Bar a bit better.

We'll start off with the things that I like, since I'm an optimist.

(In no particular order)

1. Whiskey. Scotch, bourbon, Irish, and rye--and in that order.

2. Beer. Favorite imports: Carlsberg and Guinness. Domestic: Miller High Life (bottles only) and PBR. And don't give me any shit about either of those beers. High Life and PBR taste better than your shitty Sam Adams Summer Brew and gay-as-hell Magic Hat #9. Order that crap around me and it will have urine in it by the time you're back from the bathroom.
3. Tits. (left)
4. America. Freedom is cool. So are flag bikinis.
5. The New York Mets. How the hell we lost to the Cardinals in last year's NLCS, I don't know. But I'm pretty sure I saw Jeff Suppan and Tony LaRussa hangin' out with Kenny Rogers, Pete Rose, and all those guys on the 1919 Chicago White Sox at a bar last time I was in St. Louis. Oh wait, I've never been to St. Louis. Thank God.
6. The New York Giants. Big Blue, baby.
7. New York. As I said in my profile, yes I do firmly believe that living in New York makes me better than you. If you also live in New York, I'm better because I can drink more than you; but if you don't live in the center of the universe, you're helpless, like a little baby gazelle whose mom just got eaten by lions.
8. Steak. T-Bones and Porterhouses in particular.
9. Hunting. I've never been, but guns and using them to kill mindless animals sounds like great fun. It's healthy too. That's why vegans always look like they're about to faint and smell like two-day-old soup.
10. Open bars. I'm late for nearly everything. But never--NEVER--for free alcohol. And yes, I even named myself after this heavenly concept.
11. Back to the Future. The best movie of all time. I'll be certain to write a detailed post about why this is true and why only nerds, conformists and Film Study majors always respond, "Citizen Kane! Citizen Kane!" Wanna know one clear-cut reason Back to the Future is better? It's in color.
12. Chicks wearing sports jerseys. I don't know why this is so hot, but anytime I see a girl with a jersey on, I get aroused. (Unless it's a yankee jersey. If that's the case, she might as well weigh 850 lbs, be covered in pus-leaking boils, and like Dave Matthews.) And if any of you bastards think there's anything gay about that, you can save it, because you know you agree with me.


Things I Hate:

1. Hangovers. Why must there be this hideous yang to drinking's glorious yin?
2. The New York yankees. I'm a Mets fan, which should be enough for you. But if you need more, George Steinbrenner comes in a close second to Osama bin Laden for "Man I'd Most Like to Rape."


3. yankee fans. yankee fans don't know shit about baseball. All they ever say is "We won 26 World Series!" No, "you" didn't win shit. I was in yankee Stadium once for a yankee-Red Sox game, sitting in the upper deck, and my buddy challenged our entire section to name who played shortstop before Derek Jeter. This is because 99 percent of people claiming to be yankee fans are bandwagon fans and don't know a thing prior to the Jeter era. He even held up a $5 bill, offering it to anyone who knew. It took a good five minutes before one of those idiots figured out how to use his Blackberry and Googled it and got the answer right. To sum up, yankee fans are all a bunch of moronic, unreasonably arrogant, mildly-to-utterly retarded atheists who deserve neither sympathy nor politeness. If you see one, it is morally acceptable to throw sizzling porkfat on him. If it's a girl, you may hit her. I generally don't support women-beating, but if the girl likes the yankees, then yes, she's "asking for it."
4. Philadelphia. God, what an awful city. It's ugly. It smells. The famous monument there, the Liberty Bell? Broken. How about the Statue of Liberty? Intact. The Golden Gate Bridge? Driveable. Liberty Bell? DOESN'T RING. And don't get me started on the people who live there.

"One of these is not like the others!"

5. Philadelphia Eagles fans. These guys almost make yankee fans look good. A bunch of unemployed, uneducated, drunk-on-two-beers, would-fight-the-mirror-if-it-didn't-cut-their-hand-every-time-they-try, castrated fat people. Vehicular homicide should be legal outside Eagles games. If al-Qaeda does strike us again, I hope it's a giant dirty bomb in Philadelphia.
6. Vegans. Eat a fucking pork chop, you sissy. "Would you eat that cow if you knew it had a name?" Hell yes, and you tasted great, Thomas.
7. PETA. If there is an organization more deserving of a vagina for a logo, I can't think of it.
8. Girls who tell their boyfriends "I'm late." I know too many girls who have done this strictly to make their boyfriends sweat. Any girl that does this deserves a monthlong case of severe blue ovaries.
9. Scott Spiezio. (left) Would someone please rip out that retarded soul patch!
10. Bouncers. There is no more arrogant creature on this planet than the New York City bar bouncer. These blockheads think that just because their skill set involves "being born large" and "able to interpret numbers on licenses" that somehow they are superior. Anytime I see a fight in a bar, I root against the bouncer. In fact, I hope he falls on a broken bottle.
11. Teetotallers. People who don't drink cannot be trusted.

Okay, thanks for reading, and you can buy me a beer anytime.