Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Things I Like and Hate

This being quite a young blog at the moment, I figured I'd make lists of Things I Like and Things I Hate, to help our darling readers get to know their Open Bar a bit better.

We'll start off with the things that I like, since I'm an optimist.

(In no particular order)

1. Whiskey. Scotch, bourbon, Irish, and rye--and in that order.

2. Beer. Favorite imports: Carlsberg and Guinness. Domestic: Miller High Life (bottles only) and PBR. And don't give me any shit about either of those beers. High Life and PBR taste better than your shitty Sam Adams Summer Brew and gay-as-hell Magic Hat #9. Order that crap around me and it will have urine in it by the time you're back from the bathroom.
3. Tits. (left)
4. America. Freedom is cool. So are flag bikinis.
5. The New York Mets. How the hell we lost to the Cardinals in last year's NLCS, I don't know. But I'm pretty sure I saw Jeff Suppan and Tony LaRussa hangin' out with Kenny Rogers, Pete Rose, and all those guys on the 1919 Chicago White Sox at a bar last time I was in St. Louis. Oh wait, I've never been to St. Louis. Thank God.
6. The New York Giants. Big Blue, baby.
7. New York. As I said in my profile, yes I do firmly believe that living in New York makes me better than you. If you also live in New York, I'm better because I can drink more than you; but if you don't live in the center of the universe, you're helpless, like a little baby gazelle whose mom just got eaten by lions.
8. Steak. T-Bones and Porterhouses in particular.
9. Hunting. I've never been, but guns and using them to kill mindless animals sounds like great fun. It's healthy too. That's why vegans always look like they're about to faint and smell like two-day-old soup.
10. Open bars. I'm late for nearly everything. But never--NEVER--for free alcohol. And yes, I even named myself after this heavenly concept.
11. Back to the Future. The best movie of all time. I'll be certain to write a detailed post about why this is true and why only nerds, conformists and Film Study majors always respond, "Citizen Kane! Citizen Kane!" Wanna know one clear-cut reason Back to the Future is better? It's in color.
12. Chicks wearing sports jerseys. I don't know why this is so hot, but anytime I see a girl with a jersey on, I get aroused. (Unless it's a yankee jersey. If that's the case, she might as well weigh 850 lbs, be covered in pus-leaking boils, and like Dave Matthews.) And if any of you bastards think there's anything gay about that, you can save it, because you know you agree with me.

Things I Hate:

1. Hangovers. Why must there be this hideous yang to drinking's glorious yin?
2. The New York yankees. I'm a Mets fan, which should be enough for you. But if you need more, George Steinbrenner comes in a close second to Osama bin Laden for "Man I'd Most Like to Rape."

3. yankee fans. yankee fans don't know shit about baseball. All they ever say is "We won 26 World Series!" No, "you" didn't win shit. I was in yankee Stadium once for a yankee-Red Sox game, sitting in the upper deck, and my buddy challenged our entire section to name who played shortstop before Derek Jeter. This is because 99 percent of people claiming to be yankee fans are bandwagon fans and don't know a thing prior to the Jeter era. He even held up a $5 bill, offering it to anyone who knew. It took a good five minutes before one of those idiots figured out how to use his Blackberry and Googled it and got the answer right. To sum up, yankee fans are all a bunch of moronic, unreasonably arrogant, mildly-to-utterly retarded atheists who deserve neither sympathy nor politeness. If you see one, it is morally acceptable to throw sizzling porkfat on him. If it's a girl, you may hit her. I generally don't support women-beating, but if the girl likes the yankees, then yes, she's "asking for it."
4. Philadelphia. God, what an awful city. It's ugly. It smells. The famous monument there, the Liberty Bell? Broken. How about the Statue of Liberty? Intact. The Golden Gate Bridge? Driveable. Liberty Bell? DOESN'T RING. And don't get me started on the people who live there.

"One of these is not like the others!"

5. Philadelphia Eagles fans. These guys almost make yankee fans look good. A bunch of unemployed, uneducated, drunk-on-two-beers, would-fight-the-mirror-if-it-didn't-cut-their-hand-every-time-they-try, castrated fat people. Vehicular homicide should be legal outside Eagles games. If al-Qaeda does strike us again, I hope it's a giant dirty bomb in Philadelphia.
6. Vegans. Eat a fucking pork chop, you sissy. "Would you eat that cow if you knew it had a name?" Hell yes, and you tasted great, Thomas.
7. PETA. If there is an organization more deserving of a vagina for a logo, I can't think of it.
8. Girls who tell their boyfriends "I'm late." I know too many girls who have done this strictly to make their boyfriends sweat. Any girl that does this deserves a monthlong case of severe blue ovaries.
9. Scott Spiezio. (left) Would someone please rip out that retarded soul patch!
10. Bouncers. There is no more arrogant creature on this planet than the New York City bar bouncer. These blockheads think that just because their skill set involves "being born large" and "able to interpret numbers on licenses" that somehow they are superior. Anytime I see a fight in a bar, I root against the bouncer. In fact, I hope he falls on a broken bottle.
11. Teetotallers. People who don't drink cannot be trusted.

Okay, thanks for reading, and you can buy me a beer anytime.


Joe said...

"This is because 99 percent of people claiming to be yankee fans are bandwagon fans and don't know a thing prior to the Jeter era."

Well, in their defense, Jeter has been starting shortstop for over a decade now, and before that, the starters were the very forgettable Tony Fernandez, Mike Gallego, Spike Owen, Andy Stankiewicz and Alvaro Espinoza -- a different gie every year for five years.

That's a really high standard, man. I wouldn't say that fans of the Knicks in 1994 were automatically "bandwagon" if they didn't watch during the pre-Ewing days.

Open Bar said...

It's a well made point, joe, but the larger picture is what's important. I'm really getting at these 2 ideas: 1. Once Jeter started winning championships for the yankees, only then did a large percentage of current yankee "fans" show up; and 2. Largely due to that, most of them have no knowledge of the sport, but relentlessly spit out "26 championships! 26 championships!" Yes, I know that's a large number, but do you know a freakin' thing about anything pre-Jeter? (Also, the Jeter question is getting old, I know. I've been using it for years now. It started when Tony Fernandez wasn't too far removed.)