Friday, March 23, 2007

A Conversation Between George Bush 2007 and George Bush 1977

GB07: Oh man.

GB77: (burps) What is it?

GB07: I’m worried about Iraq.

GB77: (rubs his nose) What's an eye rack?

GB07: What?

GB77: (does a shot) You said you were worried about your eye rack.

GB07: No, the country. I-raq.

GB77: Oh. (bumps a line) Don’t sweat it.

GB07: And now those heathen Democrats want me to fire Berty-Gonz.

GB77: (dials a phone number) Hang on.

GB07: What’re you doing?

GB77: Ordering us some hookers. You look like you could use one.

GB07: 77, I’m married now!

GB77: To that Laura chick? She's kinda homely, but I guess she does do that Sexy Librarian thing…

GB07: I can’t have any hookers in here! It’s the Oval Office!

GB77: Oh man, that’s perfect! We could be the first to score in here!

GB07: Well, actually, the last guy—

GB77: Shut up! They picked up. (into phone) Hey Betty, it’s the Dub Man. How’s it going?... Chillin', chillin', just hangin' with a couple lines and my future self… Yeah, I get to be the Pres!... Anyway, are Heather and Bambi around?... What about Candy and Sapphire?... Hm. Carmen and Angel? All right, they’ll do… Thanks, Betty!

GB07: 77! I can’t believe you would do that to me!

(George Bush 1977 SLAPS 2007 across the face.)

GB77: Get your shit together you dripping pussy!

GB07: (starts to cry) But I… But I…

GB77: There, there.

(George Bush 2007 puts his head on 1977’s shoulder and sobs.)

GB07: I couldn’t get rid of Social Security! And the… (sobs)… and the last election? I got my butt kicked! They wouldn’t even let me put Harriet on the Supreme Court!

GB77: You hang out with chicks named Harriet now?

GB07: Oh never mind, you wouldn’t understand!

GB77: Maybe not, but you know who would?

GB07: Who?

GB77: Mr. Daniel’s. Mr. Jack Daniel’s.

GB07: No, I… I can’t. I haven’t had a drink since I turned 40.


GB07: Because of Jesus.

GB77: Jesus drank his ass off! When they ran out, He just made more wine appear! When He wanted His buddies to drink His blood, He just made them do wine shots!

GB07: But I almost lost my marriage ’cause I was so drunk all the time.

GB77: FUCK your marriage. What else has not drinking done for you?

GB07: I did get to be president.

GB77: Yeah, and how's that workin' out for ya?

GB07: ...

GB77: Exactly. You started hangin' with that teetotaller Wolfowitz and managed to fuck everything up, didn't you.

GB07: I guess.

GB77: Back in the day, when things went sour, what would you do?

GB07: I… I would…

GB77: Come on, say it.

GB07: I would drink.

GB77: You would drink your face off! And then we’d stay up all night bangin’ sluts and doing lines out of dead hookers’ ass cracks! And while you were doing that, were you worried about all your problems?

GB07: N… no.

GB77: That’s right. You wanna know how to succeed in Iraq? The answer’s right here at the bottom of this bottle.

GB07: I don’t think I should. It’s been like 20 years.

GB77: Look, you’re out of office in a few weeks, right?

GB07: Almost two more years, actually.

GB77: Whatever. Just try one little shot and see what you think.

GB07: Just one? That’s all, right?

GB77: Just one.

(They each toss back a shot.)

GB77: That’s the stuff, right!

GB07: Wow. I feel…weird. It’s like…

GB77: I know what you’re thinking. Let’s put on some Skynryd.

GB07: Okay. Can I have another?

GB77: Most def!

(1977 puts on “Sweet Home Alabama” and 2007 pours two more shots.)

GB07: We should get Karl in here.

GB77: Yeah, and Condi too. I wanna see if those legs go all the way up, know what I’m sayin’? NAKED PARTY!

GB07: Oh yeah! Up high!

(They exchange a high five.)

GB77: What’s that thing scratched onto the desk?

GB07: I don’t know. I never noticed it.

GB77: What’s it say?

GB07: It says, ‘For a good time, hit 69 on speed-dial. Ask for Monica.’

GB77: I like the sound of that!

GB07: You call!

GB77: No, you call!

GB07: No, you call!

GB77: I got an idea. Let’s chug a beer. Whoever loses makes the call.

GB07: Deal.

They each chug. By the end of the evening, U.S. troops are withdrawing from Iraq, the Israelis and the Palestinians reach a final peace accord, and all Americans have health care.

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