Reality check: An open letter to Bill Clinton

Dear former President Bill Clinton,

I've been reading some things lately because the Internet is awesome, what with all these Web sites and what have you (way better than books and other such nerdy objects, unlike the Internet, which is jock-central [and, technically, not even an object -- discuss]), and I came across a few things about you that have, shall we say, disturbed me.

No, fuck that. This shit really pisses me the fuck off. A few choice excerpts:

"Bill Clinton is not over it. He's trying, his associates say. He's slowly getting to a better place. But his resentments from the bitter campaign battles of last winter and spring are many and diverse, and people who have spent time with him recently said they fester just below the surface."

"Some Democrats with high-level ties to both the Clinton and Obama camps said they were surprised that Obama has not done more to make the Clintons more enthusiastic about his candidacy."

"'There is a lot Obama could have done to unify the party, and basically he hasn't lifted a finger,' said one Democratic operative who is close to the Clinton team."

Hey Bill:

FUCK YOU. HARD.

Get the fuck over yourself. Why the fuck is it Obama's responsibility? Why is it: "There is a lot Obama could have done"? Why isn't it: "There is a lot Bill could have done"?

Remind me again who won the nomination? Who is the winner? And, as follows logically, who is the loser (even though she began the contest with every conceivable advantage)?

Quit being a sore fucking loser about this and get your shit together. If your loser wife makes even the slightest fucking misstep during her speech tonight, or if you half-ass your way through your speech tomorrow ("Waaahhh, I don't wanna talk about national security!"), the both of you will be on the permanent shit list for the Democratic Party.

My second way-overused pic of the post.

You and your wife lost. You used to be in charge of the party. You aren't any longer. Ever. Stop acting all butthurt about it.

And no, no one's saying you're a racist, but you most definitely played the race card. I don't personally think you hate black people because they're black, but you absolutely did inject racial angles into things that had nothing to do with race. So people called your ass on it. STOP TRYING TO PLAY THE FUCKING VICTIM ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. You know what happened the last time you and your wife tried that? She blew the easiest major-party nomination, like, ever. The 2004 yankees ALCS collapse has nothing on your wife. And you know what? You were a major part of it.

Suck it up, fat boy. What you did during the primaries -- while egregious -- is not beyond forgiving. In fact, most of us would love to forgive you, love to have the old Bill back. Because we fucking hate the new Bill. Remember when you cheated on your wife and the whole world found out and it was embarrassing as fuck for you both? (I'm talking about the Monica thing, not the numerous other times that exact thing happened, nor all the times you've done it that we haven't found out about.) You know who defended you? Us. The people you're now being a total dick to. And if you remember, even when mad white people were deserting you, your strongest defenders were black. You asshole.

Come back home, Bill. Leave the butthurt, though.

love,

Open Bar

P.S.: Yes, "butthurt" is my new favorite word. It's perfect. A perfect word. Like "comeuppance," my former favorite word, which is still my favorite word when my mother asks.