Thursday, February 19, 2009

Things that are overrated: Chimpanzees

Worst part is, he's aiming at a puppy.

There have been a few news items lately regarding what "scientists" call "chimpanzees." Many people, it seems, still suffer the delusion that these wild beasts are "cute." (See above pic.)

I can understand older folks' problem with this. After all, way the hell back in 1980 those dumbasses elected some formerly shitty actor as President because of "films" like "Bedtime for Bonzo" and "conservatism" and the like. Back in 1951, people thought of those movies like I think of Harry Potter: non-fiction. To the elderly, chimpanzees are clearly loveable, harmless creatures. I get it. Not long before the current elderly, accepted facts included the world being flat, the appendix being useful, and burning witches being effective. (As we Potter-philes know, burning doesn't hurt, it tickles!) So anyway, point is: Don't make fun of old people.

But getting back to what's been going on lately with these chimpanzees, you've probably heard by now about the recent incident in Connecticut:
Travis the chimpanzee, a veteran of TV commercials, was the constant companion of a lonely Connecticut widow who fed him steak, lobster and ice cream. He could eat at the table, drink wine from a stemmed glass, use the toilet, and dress and bathe himself.

He brushed his teeth with a Water Pik, logged on to a computer to look at photos and channel-surfed television with the remote control.

But on Monday, the wild animal in him came out with a vengeance.

The 200-pound animal viciously mauled a friend of his owner before being shot to death by police.

Here's my favorite part:

Investigators are trying to figure out why — whether it was a bout of Lyme disease, a reaction to drugs, or a case of instinct taking over.


Call it "instinct taking over" or whatever, just like you can call a chimp "Travis" or "Bonzo" or "Gesundheit," sooner or later that thing is gonna snap.

Travis attacked 55-year-old Charla Nash as Sandra Herold frantically stabbed her beloved pet with a butcher knife and pounded him with a shovel. Nash was in critical condition Tuesday with "life-changing, if not life-threatening," injuries to her face and hands, Mayor Dannel Malloy said.

She survived, which I guess is the not-silver-at-all lining. This Nash woman pretty much doesn't have a face anymore, and we're all somehow supposed to sympathize with Sandra Herold because she had to stab her "beloved pet"?

What Sandra should've done is what I do all the time: watch the National Geographic channel. She might've seen this:

Anyway. All this is really just a lead-in. If you think that Travis ripping that woman's face off was ain't seen nothin' yet.

Read this article. It's titled, "The Worst Story I Ever Heard."

Once you're done, have fun sleeping. A while back, I tried to explain the simple notion of sharks eating people, but every summer not only do dumbasses go back into the ocean, they keep getting eaten by sharks. Dumbasses.

There's only so much a blogger can do. But as I said, read that article. If you need a visual that will disturb the fuck out of you, then look below. I'm putting it down a bit because it is pure nightmare fuel, so only look if you've got a strong stomach. What you'll see is what happens when human beings -- the sole species of reason, the only creatures on Earth who are aware that they will eventually die -- fuck with nature.


Side Bar said...

I think that guy is flipping you the polish bird. Anyone? Anyone?

Open Bar said...


ChuckJerry said...

trying to figure out why the chimpanzee attacked the woman. He's a wild fucking animal. Fabulous.