Thursday, April 12, 2007
The Mets Lineup, From a Manly Drinking Perspective
For a while now, I've thought about creating a baseball lineup for my favorite drinks. And since I'm unfathomably manly, I knew that only the most manly drinks would make the team. And since I love the Mets as much as I love drinking, I figured I'd combine them into the ultimate lineup--the 2007 New York Mets plus the Manliest Drinks.
(Incidentally, it's a tossup for the 1 and 2 spots on the list of things I love most; drinking and the Mets are clearly 1 and 2, but it's so close. It's sorta like if you're gonna rank the best bands of all time, as long as you have Led Zeppelin and the Beatles at 1 and 2, it doesn't matter to me who's first or second.)
Now on to the lineup. For the purposes of this exercise, I'll introduce the Met first, then demonstrate why the drink matches well with him. (The numbers in parentheses following the drinks indicate my ranking of the most manly drinks, 1 being the most manly.)
Batting first, playing shortstop: Jose Reyes
His drink: Rum. (9)
I figure this is a perfect match. Jose is from the Dominican Republic, where rum is a part of life. And Ernest Hemingway--one of the world's greatest drinkers ever (Not a bad writer either. Was it the booze? Your call. And your call better be "Yes.")--was a huge rum drinker. If you want a drinking lineup, who better to lead off/play short/drink than Jose/Reyes/Ernest Hemingway?
Batting second, the catcher: Paul Lo Duca
His drink: Everclear. (8)
Paulie is from Brooklyn, and he looks and plays like a bulldog--this guy is tough as nails. ("Nails?" you ask. Yes, I'd say he's our new Lenny Dykstra.) If anyone on the Mets deserves the strongest alcohol made in the U.S., it's gotta be him. Lo Duca is the kind of guy who shows up at a party with his own bottle of Everclear, assuming that anywhere he goes, everyone else will be gigantic pussies. If you're at the party with Paul and some douchebag frat-boy fucks with you, then having Paulie Lo-Dukes there with you ensures that numerous frat-boy assholes will end up with broken noses and some severely bruised self-esteem.
Batting third, in center field: Carlos Beltran
His drink: Tequila. (3)
What you want in a center fielder is someone who everyone agrees will ruin any potential triple and reach over the fence and bring back many would-be home-runs; and what you want in a 3-hitter is someone who's gonna strike fear into the opposing pitcher. What you get from tequila covers all: a liquor which everyone agrees will ruin any potential sobriety and bring back many would-be-digested meals; and tequila also strikes fear into your average drinker, even veteran drinkers. Finally, the most dangerous hitter in a late-inning game? The 3-hitter. The most dangerous liquor in a late-night drinking session? Tequila.
Batting fourth, at first base: Carlos Delgado
His drink: Bombs. (7)
What do you ask for in a first baseman/cleanup hitter? Hitting bombs. We're not just talking your average dingers here, we're talking bombs--500 foot longballs. So Delgado clearly drinks bombs. This includes Irish Carbombs, Flaming Dr. Peppers, Jager Bombs, Boilermakers, etc. Anytime you take a shot of liquor, drop it into a pint of beer, and chug the whole thing. Doing that literally cleans up all the alcohol in the area, and thus a perfect match with the cleanup hitter.
Batting fifth, on the hot corner: David Wright
His drink: Whiskey. (2)
With Whiskey, I am including Bourbon, Scotch, Irish Whiskey, Rye--any drink deserving the name "Whiskey." And this is very important: There are no mixers. No Jack-and-Cokes, no Scotch-and-sodas, no Whiskey-and-waters. NO. The only acceptable addition to the art of Whiskey is ice, and please, not too much. And finally, since David Wright is a good Southern boy, you know he loves his Bourbon.
Batting sixth, out in left field: Moises Alou
His drink: Absinthe. (5)
Moises, God bless him, pisses on his hands. Apparently, he feels that it makes him a better hitter. What in the world would lead someone to think that urinating on your own hands could make you a better athlete? Absinthe. That shit fucks you up. It's got this beautiful ingredient, thujone, which creates a hallucinogenic effect and also gives you the clearest drunk you'll ever experience. You drink some good Absinthe, you not only feel a fantastic drunk, you can also suddenly write the world's greatest novels, paint the world's most beautiful art, and play the shit out of left field.
Batting seventh, in right field: Shawn Green
His drink: Jagermeister. (12)
Shawn, I'm sorry. Last week, I expected you to perform big on the first night of Passover (since you elected to skip your sacred duty of going to a frigging Seder), but you couldn't even come up with a hit. So therefore I cannot give you Manischewitz. But since Manischewitz is purple, I figured Jager would be right up your alley. Hey, after a few drinks, things get simple, right? Purple is purple. I know you're kind of an older guy now and probably not so into Jager, but after a few drinks...you know what I'm sayin'? You're battin' over .300 now, so mazel tov!
Batting eighth, at second base: Jose Valentin
His drink: Mezcal. (10)
The first thing you think when you see Jose Valentin is, What the fuck is up with that mustache? You look like a child molester! So therefore, what would a man have to drink in order to not only wear that facial abomination, but wear it for your entire career? I think the clearest comparison would be like saying, You want me to drink an incredibly horrible-tasting liquor? Fine, and I insist that there be a worm in it! If you truly consider yourself a man, then at some point in your life you must eat the worm at the bottom of a bottle of Mezcal. Jose did, and he somehow gets to have sex with children. What a drink!
Batting ninth, and our Starting Pitcher (This changes every game, so it covers all of them.)
The drink: Beer. (1)
Was there any doubt what drink would be Number 1? Beer is clearly God's greatest creation and, therefore, it gets the honorable role of throwing the first pitch--just as beer begins any watching-of-sports event. Think about it--during a game, you can do as many shots of whatever you want, but you're gonna be drinking beer as well throughout. You want your starting pitcher to be your anchor. If he's not there, then you don't have a chance. Imagine going through your life without beer. Without beer!
As the closer, Billy Wagner
His drink: Moonshine (4)
Moonshine dates back to the earliest days of our beautiful country, and since has had a glorious notoriety as an illegal drink that people still drink. Moonshine, for you dumbasses that have never had any, is amazing. People down South make this shit in their basements and barns, and they've learned to produce all kinds of different flavors and everything. But for my money, unflavored, straight-up 'shine is the way to go. This shit will rock you to your core, no matter how experienced a drinker you are. And you know you are tasting a bit of purely American culture, too. Billy Wagner, another good Southern boy, has surely downed a good amount of this stuff. And think about what you want in a closer--someone people fear and don't quite fully understand. Moonshine and Billy Wagner both fit that bill.
As our pinch-hitter, Endy Chavez
His drink: the Layback. (11)
For those that don't know the Layback, here's what you do: you take a bottle of tequila and a bottle of margarita mix; your buddy puts his back on the seat of a chair (he "lays back" onto the chair), head hanging off, feet on the ground; then you pour both bottles into his mouth until it's full. Once it's full, you stop pouring, he closes his mouth and swallows the whole thing. Then, one of two things can happen: 1. Your buddy downs it all, gets up and yells in masculine ecstasy, or 2. He immediately vomits. If those are the only two possibilities, you know you have a manly drink. Just like when you have a pinch-hitter up--either he gets a hit and everyone calls him the man, or he strikes out and everyone says that he sucks.
And finally, as our Manager, Willie Randolph
His drink: the Martini. (6)
The martini is a classy drink. Many young folks have tried it too early and paid the price. This drink is basically a shitload of alcohol, a tiny bit of flavoring (or none at all), and a really cool glass. There's a good reason this drink is designed for the veteran drinker, and that's why it is the Manager's drink. You don't want the man in control haphazardly throwing back shots of whatever anyone puts in front of him. You want him to drink, yes, and hard, but you want him to show maturity and leadership. A martini is the perfect drink. If you're Willie Randolph, it's fine watching Reyes throw back shots of Bacardi, Wright pounding his Jim Beam, and Johnny "Remember the" Maine doing a 65-second kegstand. But when the players look at the you, the Manager, it must feel might nice gripping such a prestigious drink, knowing that they won't be able to appreciate such beauty properly until their non-drinking hand is weighed down with World Series rings.
To wrap up, here is my list of the most manly drinks:
If you feel I have forgotten a proper manly drink, let me know. And as far as my order goes, let the arguments begin. My only thing--as I stated earlier--is that if you don't agree with Beer and Whiskey as 1 and 2, then you either don't have a Y chromosome or are "special" (in the "went to school on the short bus" sense).